Can I just be immature and rant for a minute please? No one in RL to talk to...

[cantcompare]

My ex and I split up 4 years ago. Technically it was mutual but his behaviour was so awful and at such a vulnerable period of my life (I had a newborn and two older children, one with SEN) and his behaviour was so appalling, I just didn't have the energy to fix the relationship any longer. The truth is, he wanted out as much as I did. Maybe because he'd met someone else. He screenshotted her Facebook picture 6 months before we split (as he did to other women) to wank to and I found it via snooping, 1 week before giving birth to our youngest. He claims that he didn't start seeing her until the following year, after we split as she lived and worked abroad. This somewhat checks out as true but it wouldn't surprise me if there had been a one-nighter before they re-ignited contact.

Anyway, what started off as casual became serious and they are together now and finally making plans to move in. Entirely fair enough and I think she has been very patient with with whilst he's faffed about all this time. She been kept completely out of the kids life (his decision not mine) and his selfishness regarding contact has ensured that they've been able to build a nice relationship together, unencumbered by many responsibilities.

What's triggered me recently, is an old mutual friend sending out his wedding invites. He's invited my ex +1 and then a separate invite for just me. So even if I did have a date for the occasion, I'm not allowed to bring one, whereas he is.

This means that for the first time ever, I will have to be in a room alone with him and her. I have nothing against her personally but I feel so shitty about myself that I'm not sure I can handle it. You see, in every sense of the word, my ex has upgraded me.

I am 3 stone overweight because of a medical condition (on its way to being cured but unsure if enough weight will have come off by the time of the wedding). I have a dead end job that I might be being made redundant from soon. Due to a shitty childhood filled with neglect and sexual abuse, my education stopped at 15 years old. I attempted to make it up and got halfway through a degree but could not afford to continue due to finances. I have three kids, no spare time, terrible taste in men (keep meeting abusers), not much family support, live in a falling down rental and just generally have absolutely NOTHING going for me. My ex does what he wants and has free time and a disposable income. Thus he has been able to cultivate a nice new relationship. I however, have nothing to bring to the table and am preparing to feel utterly humiliated in front of all our friends, who will no doubt secretly be comparing me and this woman (because that's human nature ain't it)?! Sorry for the sob story- sadly it's all true.

This is her;

-She’s keeps fit and groomed and has a good figure
-Has a well paid job
-Is well travelled
-Has no dependents so is flexible and more fun
-Is well educated (privately no less) to degree level
-Speaks several languages
-Comes from a loving, supportive family
-Is wealthy
-Doesn’t have any nasty habits or debilitating illnesses
-Better sex life
-Would probably be a better girlfriend/mother
-More houseproud
-More mature
-and the rest...

Apparently the only things I "beat" her at, are (according to my ex);

-I have a prettier face
-I'm funnier
-I'm kinder/more polite to people

That's it! That's all. I don't even come close. And how pathetic to think this way anyway.

This woman is so top notch in comparison to me and I just can't stand it. I don't even want my ex back. He was abusive. I'm not sure how his business or what he gets up to should bother me so much. But I just feel like absolute shit. 😞 His own family wasn't worth the effort because of this chic and I can see why - she must truly be something else.

I shouldn't envy her - he has cheated on her repeatedly already. Poor girl. But I just feel like a huge, embarrassed piece of shit. And that someone as scummy as my ex gets all the luck and makes me look like a loser.

Sorry for ranting. Absolutely pathetic I know...

Hey you, you sound amazing. I can guarantee that your friends will not be comparing you unfavourably at all. People don't do that to their friends. If they know what an abusive and cheating man he is, they'll be happy for you and feel sorry for her.

Not pathetic. It's great sometimes to just go "it's not fucking fair"

She's not you. She didn't feel your babies kicking inside her. Or see their first smiles.

You matter. And you are important. You are Mum. And you will always be your kids first choice.
Doesn't matter about your ex. Or her.

You have your own value.

Your ex is an idiot.
(May his genitals be infested with the fleas of a thousand camels)

You don't need to take anyone to the wording wedding. You're fabulous just as you are!!!!

Thank you Cricrichan! You're very kind!

I'm not sure any mutual friends know how awful he really is; I've stupidly kept my mouth shut, dignified silence" and all that. Not everyone's his biggest fan but he's got his nice guy act down to a tee. Some of my personal friends don't care for him much, but because he and I share kids I know they feel they can't slag him off really. Our mutual friends adore him. They love me too and actually most of them wanted us to get back together. But I've accepted that as the "Singleton" to their coupledom, it'll probably be me that's phased out. It's been slowly happening already.

I know it's life. It's just hard to take.

Thank you everyone!

Haha - I really do hope he gets cock fleas, that'd be hilarious! 😂

She's got a cheating twat for a partner, you don't.

I do sometimes panic that they'll be able to provide a better quality of life for my kids with their combined wealth and that the children would prefer life with them, compared with what I can provide in my own. I worry that that's the final part of the plan for her stepping into my old life and me being surplus but I realise that's silly. And in fact my ex is not so evil that he'd let that happen I don't think. Or he is at least image conscious enough.

He's desperate to stay my friend and continues to call, text and lurk around here like a bad smell. Why though? I just don't get the need? To absolve his guilt?! It's been 4 years - everyone's moving on, what she's he actually want?

She has Mike. He's cheated on her repeatedly. I have a source and he's admitted it as well but tried to play down their own exclusivity. She has no idea. Feel awful for her.

But I have no one. And I'm starting to think it might have to stay that way.

Loneliness sucks.

So he's told you the ways in which you are better than her? Well lift yr head girl! You have things she hasn't. You got away from a cheating scumbag but whether she knows or not she's still with a cheat. You have things money can't buy ie dcs/are funny/kindness.Eventually you may lose weight but she won't be kind or funny. I always think that people who smile are alwayd a lot more attractive than someone who looks miserable no matter what their size. Act happy at the wedding fake it till u make it. The best is being happy. Why don't u ask if u can take someone along?I
That does seem a bit unfair

You've not said anything good about her personality op which is the most important thing. Whereas you're funny and kind so I like you more

I meant yhe best revengeid for others to see you happy.Must get some kip. Nite.

I'm only better than her in three ways. I really cannot compete! I'm outwardly cheerful and have a nice face (and hopefully in the not too distant future, a nice figure again too) but she has a whole heap of other shit going for her that's more compatible with being, well wanted I guess!

I don't think I envy them as such, (he's a dirt bag after all)! It's more that I'm scared of the potential humiliation that comes with people's natural comparisons. I'm old news now. Even if I turned up with all the weight lost and looking sensational, I still think people are going to gravitate towards them because together they scream success whereas I just look a bit pathetic. So silly really.

Do you have to go to the wedding?

I might give it a miss. That's not because you should hide away, because you sound lovely and he sounds like a massive arsehole.

Don't be hard on yourself make it easy. And it's not immature to say any of that. It's fair enough.

It sounds like you are doing a great job

Thank you so much everyone, you're honestly really cheering me up! Bless you all! 😘

I will enquire about the invite when I've hired found a date to bring!

It's good to get it off my chest where know one will ever know and now I can blag how I really couldn't care less! 😁 And hopefully wait for karma to catch up with him!!!

Hope she finds out about his cheating, and then finds someone much better than him that she deserves and kicks him to the kerb!

You have his version. Have you met her? Have you even seen her? God knows what her FB photo was like if it was screenshotted for thomas the tank purposes.
The man sounds like the scummiest piece of snailshit imaginable.

I wouldn't go to the wedding...or id ask if I could have a plus one and find a lovely man to take.

Apparently the only things I "beat" her at, are (according to my ex);

-I have a prettier face
-I'm funnier
-I'm kinder/more polite to people

So he's with her for her money and body and lifestyle!! It truly doesn't matter, as pp has said. You can't see it but you HAVE got the better end of the deal - and you will see that.

You are probably feeling vulnerable and definitely your current low self-esteem is preventing you really seeing that.

You could ask if you can invite a plus one if you've someone to go along with you - or make your excuses. I think I'd say 'I'd truly love to be there sharing your day however I've shed 'x' no. of stones of (ex's weight) weight and am fully enjoying life thanks to that particular weight-loss. And, to be honest, would find it uncomfortable to socialise with his new partner knowing what she has to look forward to once the honeymoon phase is over. I'm sure you'll understand.'

There's probably masses wrong with that approach - and other posters will likely point them out.

I just think it might make the friend getting married realise all was not all roses and light in your marriage but you are keeping, and have kept, a dignified silence and moving on.

He cheats on her. How come if she is so wonderful.

You think they have it all, but there is something wrong in that relationship, where as your now worrying about what lies he told you this week, bet the poor lady is.

She will also know she has your sloppy seconds...

She's got all those lovely advantages. But she's got him as her partner, so in terms of relationships they have got her nowhere, have they? She's worse off than you are: you're rid of him. Goes to show that even the brightest and most beautiful can be just as clueless as the rest of us.

I wouldn't be looking forward to it either - I'd definitely beg patheticallyfor a +1 invite, but these things do usually feel worse in your imagination than in real life, don't you find?

One tip sit with your back to them, it helps so much too not have them in your eyesight all the time.
Mine cheated and we had to both be somewhere... With lots of friends.
Apparently they watched me all night. But I couldn't see them as behind me.

I would go to the wedding with the mantra, "He cheats on her" , in my head the whole time. This will bring that extra bit of subtle confidence to your demeanor and will carry you through.

I have learned that in the long run, over time, these things have a way of evening out. She will find out he's a louse (or snailshit as a PP put it - love that!) Your mutual friends will know etc etc. Just KOKO and wait for all of this to happen and remain dignified throughout as you are doing already.

'Just generally have nothing going for me'. Apart from you BOTHER to parent three kids. You are CENTRAL to their world. This is tiring and not glamourous but EVERYTHING to three little people who are growing up loved. Fuck him and his skinny woman. You are a superior human being. A quality person. He checked out of parenting and went for the girl he was WANKING over. Just UGH. To him, not her. Adjust your crown, momma.

You sound fab OP. He sounds like a shit. She sounds reasonable but unaware that her happiness is likely to spiral downwards once she moves in with him.

Are there any mutual friends going to the wedding that you could confide in? Get a lift with them, make sure they look out for you in case you have a wobble? I'd certainly want to be your friend and supporter in that situation.

Or, maybe claim you have a clash of events and can't make the wedding? Why go if you're not looking forward to it?

Oh the poor woman can you imagine how low her self esteem must be if she's hung around for four years while he twatted about trying to make his mind up if she was good enough and fucked about as suited him?

You got rid, have some pity for her op!

Don't go to the wedding. They are very boring affairs anyway.

Your ex's new gf is not "better" than you, she's just different. Ok, you might think why does he have such happiness when he's such an unpleasant person, but you don't know what their married life is going to be like. Just don't think of her or him, they don't matter, but YOU do, and soon it all will be just water under the bridge.