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Original poster

I slept with my ex

26 replies

Sunnydays78 · 12/07/2018 16:47

Long story but I had been with my husband since I was 13. Fast forward 25 years and three kids later we separated and have been for 20 months. There was a whole range of reasons why, a lot of outside pressure and illness but ultimately we stopped looking after our marriage and didn’t communicate.
The result I moved out!
Now we have both tried to move on but nothing feels right, kids are still devastated and both our families are torn in two.
Last night he asked to come round to talk we did for hours and ended up having sex. He initiated it and it just felt right. However, he is seeing someone it’s not majorly serious between them but she is there no less. Does going back ever work out?

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 12/07/2018 16:50

You don't seem bothered that you're the other woman, that you're facilitating your ex's cheating.

You deserve each other.

Thingsdogetbetter · 12/07/2018 16:54

Not while he's still seeing his gf. Does she know it's not serious? And not while the issues that split you up haven't been resolved.

  1. He spilts up with gf.
  2. You have couples counselling.
Otherwise you're the ow and it'll all happen again.
Original poster
Sunnydays78 · 12/07/2018 16:59

It’s seems odd that I am the other woman but yes I am. He plays down his relationship with her saying they haven’t had sex yet. They don’t see each other often. It certainly won’t happen again. Couples counselling is what I’m going to suggest

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 12/07/2018 21:10

It sounds like you may still want to be together.

Original poster
Sunnydays78 · 12/07/2018 21:28

I just worry we’ve been apart too long

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 12/07/2018 21:42

May be it took the separation to realise you wanted to be together. Maybe try dating each other and see how it goes.

midnightmisssuki · 12/07/2018 21:53

he cheated on her? Hmm

Original poster
Sunnydays78 · 12/07/2018 21:58

I obviously wouldn’t entertain that while he is with her in anyway

OP posts:
midnightmisssuki · 12/07/2018 22:03

but Sunnydays78 he IS with her. He has cheated on her, please dont convince yourself he isn't, because 'it isn't serious' - what does that even mean? So they haven't had sex, he's probably frustrated, and has come back to you to have sex - which you did. Sorry i know its harsh - but he did cheat on her, and you facilitated it.

NotTakenUsername · 12/07/2018 22:05

Op I’d struggle to see you as the ow too, with the history you share, even though technically you are.

You say you both stopped taking care of the marriage but what specifically does that mean?

Cricrichan · 12/07/2018 22:11

If I'd been seeing a man for a little while and hadn't had sex with him and he slept with his ex wife of 25 years I wouldn't see that as cheating, just as not ready for another relationship and unfinished business with his wife

Original poster
Sunnydays78 · 12/07/2018 22:18

We stopped communicating our life was full of looking after our children and other people and some how our marriage became not our priority. We stopped doing things together and really lost our way. I thought it was over. Since then I’ve been to counselling and I can see things far clearer. Our family is so important to both of us I think what we have or had deserves another shot

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 12/07/2018 22:56

It sounds like counselling could be really successful then?

Original poster
Sunnydays78 · 12/07/2018 23:01

I suppose he needs to make the decision to finish whatever he has with the women he’s dating.

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 12/07/2018 23:03

I don’t really see it as cheating either tbh! Go for it! Surely you both have to give it a shot? You’ve not really got anything to lose. Good luck OP Star

Original poster
Sunnydays78 · 12/07/2018 23:08

Thank you! We have a long history together a lot of work would need to be put into but it would be great if it worked out.

OP posts:
merville · 13/07/2018 00:20

He plays down his relationship with her saying they haven’t had sex yet. They don’t see each other often.

Hmm, call me cynical but maybe he is downplaying it because it's convenient to and that's not actually the truth. May not change things for you but just in case it does, just a thought ..

merville · 13/07/2018 00:21

Sorry to sound negative but I'd just be very wary of getting into an ongoing cheating/2 women situation, doing the 'pick me' dance etc.

Original poster
Sunnydays78 · 13/07/2018 00:33

I know he doesn’t see her often because of the situation with our kids so that is easy to believe and I am back and Firth from the house.
The sex thing I struggle to believe too at times. However I know him well obviously and I think he’s telling the truth. He says when he’s with her he feels like he’s cheating on me and he can’t do ‘it’. She obviously feels insecure about the situation and tells him that she thinks we’ll get back together. Possibly another reason why it’s not gone further between them. Regardless if they have it haven’t I think if we were to give it another go it’s something I’d just have to leave alone and not look back on. I think I can do that

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnydays78 · 13/07/2018 00:35

Oh and we will definitely not be sleeping together again while this situation continues.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 13/07/2018 00:45

All the analysing you're doing is totally irrelevant if he's slept with you and hadn't asked that you get back together. He could have asked. He doesn't need to think about it - you're not strangers, you've had a life and kids and history together.

Whilst you're here wondering he's probably laying down next to her.

Why is he talking about her to you anyway, letting you know she's insecure, they haven't had sex etc? He's probably talking about you to her too.

I can understand why you want to get back with him. I just don't think this man is loyal to what you had, and he will play you both. He has no discretion either. Good luck and I do hope it works out though. He will be back of course - but try to make sure it's in the way you want ie back together in a committed relationship. He will be nostalgic for what the 2 of you had but that doesn't mean he will want to go for it fully and cement your relationship again.

Don't accept him having a foot in both camps or waffling onto you about this girlfriend and act as if he's not into her (yet he's with her🙄). You don't need stories about his girlfriend, you need to know where you stand, where you go from here.

His actions will tell you the truth, not his talk.

SandyY2K · 13/07/2018 00:54

I second counselling and give your marriage another chance.

Original poster
Sunnydays78 · 13/07/2018 00:59

He’s probably hedging his bets ! Sound advice I think

OP posts:
bloomingrain · 13/07/2018 01:02

I think you both need to sit down and talk, see what you both want, maybe you needed the distance to realise you want each other.

Do bear in mind he has been with another woman, even if only emotionally, this is something that could eat you up for years, tread carefully, but I think you will know if it's worth a shot.

Original poster
Sunnydays78 · 13/07/2018 01:05

I dated a guy for a while too. So we both are coming back to it with similar experiences. It’s something I’d hope to address then move on from.

OP posts:
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