"Freedom", "personal space" and "how often do you text"

[BloodyDisgrace]

I have a question for anybody who's got time to answer/cares.
Suppose your husband says he's having some drinks with workmates after work, or has something else to do (no matter what) before coming home. Do you text/phone him while he is away? Do you ask "Where are you?" "When are you coming home?" If yes, why do you do it? Does your husband do the same when you are out?

I ask this because I read a lot here how wives text their husbands in this manner. Is it how a lot of people live these days once we all have smartphones? I never did that to any of my husbands/boyfriends. My 1st husband was a very socially active, politically engaged person, and he always told me in advance he has something after work, and I just waited, reading a book/doing the dinner/seeing friends meanwhile, and he'd phone to say he is on the way. None of the men I were with in any meaningful relationships ever checked on me. I went to a night club a few times without my boyfriend (as it wasn't his kind of thing) and never had the Lady Gaga "Telephone" song kind of treatment from him.

In fact, I'd hate if someone texted/phoned me when I'm out. I'd feel like a leash around my neck is tightening and pulling, and it would aggravate me. The tighter the grip - the more a person would feel trapped and want to get out. I'm a housewife now with a lot of free time during the day, and my 2nd husband never texts "What are you doing?"

Do you think a lot more marriages could be saved if we didn't text all the time?
Thank you.

Me and DH always text through the day. Mostly to ask how's work etc. I also ask when he will be home and he does the same. We like to stay in communication through the day and sometimes for a chat when we are bored. If it's done in a controlling way it's destructive.

I wouldn't unless he seemed to be taking a long time and I became worried about him.

Some people do seem to spend a lot of time texting conversationally, which isn't the same as checking up on your partner - if that's something a couple are in the habit of doing, I don't believe it would be detrimental to the marriage.

'Checking up' texts are probably a symptom rather than a cause - it suggests a lack of trust and insecurity if one partner has said they'll be out for, say, a couple of hours and the texts start coming well within that timescale. I think it's healthy to have your own space and social life within a marriage and that should be respected.

If you're receiving unwanted texts all the time while you are out, you need to explore the reasons your partner has for doing this - insecurity/lack of trust/control issues.

I will text dh if he is MIA and I am on pickup duty...but only if he has said he won't be late and it IS already late! ...it would be along the lines of
"if you are going to be much longer get a taxi from the station, I am off to bed"

but otherwise any texting on a night out is generally restricted to snippets of gossip that the home person would love to know, or a saucy NORWICH or BURMA type ;)

and this is pretty standard either way tbh

I am generally a bit aghast at the huge amounts of texting between couples that goes on according to most of MN

Dh and I married for 20 years 2 school age kids - - we would only text if needed e.g. if I'm out and expected home at 10pm would text if I was going to be late or maybe earlier in the day to remind dh and he does the same - otherwise only if have a question that needs an answer. No general chitchat by text.

Totally agree with BloodyDisagrace - when I was commuting you'd here people having the pointless 'I'm on the train' conversations. Same boring things every day. 'What are we doing this evening? What shall we watch on telly' type crap. Do these people just not speak to each other when they are together or are they then glued to their phones talking to other people?

It's good and healthy to have space from each other and not have to 'catch up' every couple of hours. So needy and so oppressive!

*hear not here!

Do you think a lot more marriages could be saved if we didn't text all the time?
Thank you.

Not necessarily. Me and DP text a fair amount but we're quite young and grew up with phones; so it's not checking in - we just tend to be chatting. If we're not, one of us is busy. There would be no frantic calling unless something had gone wrong!

For people who are not used to chatting to their partner/friends/anyone as is common today; I'd imagine that it'd be more suffocating.

I don't text my boyf on a night out unless there's a total emergency and I wouldn't dream of asking him to be home by a certain time.

I text my DH or speak to him on the phone once or twice a day. If he goes out with friends after work he always gives me a rough idea of when he'll be home. I'd have no problem with sending / receiving a text while he / I was out, but also no problem with not receiving / sending a quick reply.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy - yep, when I lived in London, if I got a quid for each time someone barks on the phone "I'm on the bus!', I'd be a millionaire by now :))

@AnchorDownDeepBreath - I dig that. I'm 42, hubby a 2 years older and we both have a "daft phone" [Nokia 2G - you need to press 3 times to produce a letter], it's all by choice, so the communication is mostly face to face, but younger people such as yourself would be different. For me it's interesting to know how other generations communicate.

When my DH goes out with friends I never text him whilst he's out and about, unless like others have said, he's back later than expected and I just want to check he's ok.

I actually find it so frustrating when I'm out catching up with friends, and one of them is constantly glued to her phone as her DH is texting her every 5 minutes. He knows where she is, that she's having a girly evening catching up with friends, and when she's going to be back. I think sometimes it can be a bit of a control tactic by partners who are a bit insecure of their other halves being out and about without them - especially in a 'night out' setting!

Trust, I found, is an odd thing. You might be so trusting, giving space, not checking etc. - and then find out your partner used it too liberally, did something which hurts you, and you end up feeling like a naive fool, "not getting clues" etc. Or you might think you're going to be a smart one, start checking/asking questions - and they make you feel paranoid, insecure and jealous. The only way out of this shut is, I guess, know your partner well and yourself not being too damaged. But: it's easier said than done ...

@bizzers - I saw one poor lass at a gym, her bloke keeping her on the phone when she was in the steam room, or drying her hair, waxing ... Shit, she should have just switched it off. Me-time, Lady Gaga style!

For nights out we will only text each other if an emergency occurs or if a change of plan happens such as time due home, earlier pick up etc.

We also do not have the pin codes to each others phone and believe that privacy is important. I always here the argument that " for peace of mind we track each other's location and look on each other's phones" but I feel this is a controlling technique and shows a massive lack of trust and insecurity.

But if it makes you feel better then fair enough, each to their own as they say.

I only text my dh if I need to communicate something, never for a chat or a catch up.

He's away with work at the moment and has been for a few months. We Skype once a week and whatsapp every two or three days! I really couldn't stand being constantly interrupted for inane chit chat.

From when dh goes to work in the morning no communication then really until he texts saying his leaving the office/court and thinks his train will be in at x. This is only so I know if he will be home early enough for dc bath time or if I need to do it. His got a job to do he can’t really be texting/calling me all day and I wouldn’t want him to as I have stuff to get on with too.

If dh is going out after work No i don’t call him and wouldn’t unless an emergency presented itself. He just texts once his on his way home, I don’t know why really but his always done it so “I know it’s him trying to open the door”

When I’m out for the night again Dh would only call me if it was an emergency of some sort. Again I just let him known once I’m going home I only do this because he does it!

I worked with a girl once that called her boyfriend for her whole lunch HOUR every Single Day. and they always had the same boring what you got for lunch? How’s work? What paper did you read? Conversation. They both worked 9-5 and lived together, he even use to pick her up from work so they were pretty much glued together so why the hour phone call every lunchtime?

I just don’t get why people need to “check in” a million days a day with the person they live with, it would honestly make me want to scream

I just don’t get why people need to “check in” a million days a day with the person they live with, it would honestly make me want to scream

This entirely, I’d put this down to either insecurity or a control freak

We text for information only purposes.
I hate all the pointless communication when I'm with friends and we have to stop our conversation for them to respond to their partners. I feel like I'm twiddling my thumbs.

Frankly, I'm too busy working myself to contact DH multiple times during the day.

We have been together 16 years. We text throughout the day while DH is at work or if I go out at weekends. It works for us.

We share our location with each other on our iPhones too, more fore security than anything else.

I am 41, had a mobile phone since 1996 (couldn't even text on the first phone I had) and I think advancing technology has made it easier for people to become control freaks with their partners.

I remember an exP telling me that his friends were envious of him, because I only used to ring him once a day, just as I was finishing work, to find out what the plan was for that evening. Their DPs/DWs all used to ring or text at least three times a day. I just never saw the need; I was working, he was working, I didn't need to know what he had had for his lunch, and was damn sure he didn't care what I'd had for mine, as long as I'd eaten something.

DH and I work for the same organisation, so if we communicate during the day it tends to be by email; I will ask him whether he wants to go to the shops on our lunch break, he will ask me if I'm having a good day, etc. However, he has said that he would hate it if we didn't work together He also hates it if I do anything without him, and will text me at least twice if I go out to run an errand and leave him at home. There's probably a-whole-nother thread in there!

Yep information purposes - DH tends to say what train so I can get dinner sorted etc. On a night out we would both say back at a certain time and would let the other know if its later.

I dont get why people dont do this as its polite too - its the rule I will have for my children if you are going out be back at the agreed time or let me know if not and I want to model it

CHecking up texts probably come from a breakdown of trust x says will be back by 7 but comes in 5 hours later with no letting know in between,

If you are planning a late night say, if its turning into a late night say - its not controlling to say this things (it would be controlling to say no!)

Thank you to everyone who took time to respond.

yep, I totally understand emergency/safety aspect - and in this matter the modern technology is good, saves us some worrying. All my friends I've just seen (especially female ones) text back to say they are safe at home, and so do family members who have to drive. This is just good manners/consideration for you, as well as husbands/you texting to say which train they one is catching.

Our life is a very regular one: I know when my husband is back, and have the thins ready for dinner. We don't have kids so it eliminates any extra considerations (such as picking them up, driving them somewhere etc).
Thank you all, much love and happiness to your families (fuck, I'm being so sickly sweet here, but I really mean it...)

our texting or communicating is around picking kids up or other house stuff.

He travels for work and we might get a skype call every couple of days. If he is out for a night, I don't text.

I was out on an evening with friends and they were firing off multiple don't forget to do this and that, etc texts. Meh. They should be able to cope.

My fiancé and I usually go out in the evening together so no need to text! We text each other to an extent during the day like how is your day going etc if I have been out without him he doesn’t constantly text me!