DH is always "ill"

[COunTess56]

Hi all long time lurker here....

So my DH is generally great, can be quite lazy sometimes but so can I.
There's one thing that's bugging me though, he is always calling in sick to work.
He genuinely has had some stomach problems and an anal fissure (which are quite painful but no reason to take time off so I've read), and I have sympathized with him because I have suffered with haemorroids and IBS for years, he has had a camera in his bowels and been back to the doctors numerous times with the same answer and same prescription.

But he calls in sick for one to three days every month, sometimes more if he can get signed off, and I know he doesn't like his job, and would like to start his own business, but he was like this at his previous jobs since I have been with him.

I work different shift patterns to him as I am a carer so I am off in the days a lot so he thinks I have all this free time when really I'm recovering from a demanding job doing 12 -16 hour shifts!!! Sometimes I think he does it to spend more time with me and then expects me to be happy and think it's sweet but it's getting on my last nerve and I am losing my sympathy for him! I've even quit a job I love so I can do a 9-5 and maybe encourage him to stay at work.

He is now starting a new job in August, which will require much more from him and I'm worried the same thing will happen again.

Yesterday he called in sick to his current job, and his manager told him she wouldn't authorize his absence because his sickness record was horrific, he told me this almost shocked and when I agreed with her he was totally bemused!
I told him I understood his health problems, but it's not acceptable to take so much time off when I have similar problems and just get on with it, and that if it is persisting so much he should go to the doctors and really push to have allergy tests and stuff done etc, that this would show up in his HR record for his reference if requested, and that he wouldn't be able to do stuff like that in his new role.

He didn't really say anything to that but much later made a hinting comment that I owed him an apology, but a neutral evening followed because I just couldn't stop being annoyed but didn't know how to approach it again with him constructively.

He seems to be almost constantly ill, wanting to sleep in and complaining about his stomach and bumhole, and expects me to sit and stroke his head for hours, but complains that I waste his time if I go out and do anything without him, which I can't understand, I really don't know what to do, any advice would be great!

could he be depressed? Might be worth a joint visit to the GP if he would agree to discuss, maybe his work place have a OT dept or a company GP? This sounds like a nightmare for you

My advice would be to separate from him.
I couldn't live with someone like that.

Sounds like a big baby. Yuk. Grow up manchild.

What do you want? Have a good think about it. Lay down what you want with clear boundaries. Give him 6 weeks. If he changes and sorts his life out give him a second chance, if not move on.

He's lucky he got another job with that record. If he carries on he will be sacked.
Not sure what you can do if he cannot see this for himself.

Thanks for the advice!
@itbemay...
He has struggled with depression before, and he has been prescribed anxiety medication on several occasions as the doctor thought his stomach problems are caused by anxiety, but he never takes it, I know that he is fed up with working jobs he doesn't like, but he can't seem to find a solution so I know that frustrates him... we were both made redundant before Christmas and I got a job as a waitress after months of bad interviews till I found a better job, and it's still not what I really want to do, but we all have to do things in life we don't want to, to survive...

He doesn't use his creams regularly either though his symptoms seem to subside for a few weeks after I have forced him to go to the doctor again.

I really think he is being a baby and making all the excuses he can, I can tell he just can't be arsed sometimes, and uses my caring nature against me, I have tried just not saying anything so I don't encourage him with sympathy.

I'm bored of playing nurse when I care for people who have a much harder time than him, I can't deal with the instability that he might be fired, and the fact that he never brings home his full wage because he's always 'sick'.

I can't think of anything other than putting him in a bag and shaking him up

I'll see how the first month of his new job goes anyway, he wants a better life but he's not willing to put the work in to 'put money in some one else's pocket'

Hi OP, this sounds so frustrating!! I sound a bit like your husband, I have stomach problems which are aggravated by anxiety and also depression but I just get on with it and also don't complain to my friends/ family anymore as they're bored of hearing it!! I've also found myself feeling better if I tell myself I'm fine, maybe he needs to fake it til he makes it? When I'm feeling shit if I sit and fester I just feel worse so get into a downward spiral. Can you sit him down and have a full and frank convo about how irritating he's being and how you hate the instability of worrying if he'll get fired? Do you have kids/ plans for kids?

He expects you to literally sit and stroke his head for hours?

If so that's a level of neediness that boggles my head. I'd have lost patience long before now

The setting up his own business will never happen. It's complete pie in the sky. He's lazy, entitled and deluded. Most people work in jobs they don't enjoy, why does he think he's a special case? You're worried he will be the same in his new job? You KNOW he will be the same in his new job. His issues are down to his personality not his employment. He sounds like a dead weight to me. What do you actually like/love about him?

and expects me to sit and stroke his head for hours,

^

Couldn't be doing with this, personally

No way will he ever start his own company, never ever. Will not happen.

What job does he do? Does he ever cancel social events because of his health or is it only work? If the latter then you know it's not being ill that stops him going.

OK. Son has stomach problems but he is self employed so has to sort it. His route was serious exercise e.g. out at 6am to a class, his diet had to change, gluten free has helped. He does suffer from stress, so the exercise and a careful diet keep it at bay. Could you tell us what your DH`s diet, food and liquids is like?

I should say he paid privately for lots of tests, cameras down and up.

Have you got children?

My DP is constantly ill with exactly the same symptoms and just generally a low level of malaise.

He has coeliac disease though, and doesn't stick to his diet particularly well.

He needs to get tested or shut up.

Sorry he sounds lazy and bratty. He's been given medication and plenty of people go to work not feeling 100%. He doesn't sound very nice, he's obviously not bothered about the impact on you, his colleagues and employer who all have to pick up the slack for his behaviour.

I'd be spitting- has he ever actually taken his medication as directed? Because if so, then I'd have more sympathy, but otherwise think that he doesn't even know if it can be fixed. Or alternatively it's not actually that bad, so there's no reason for you to be stuck as his nurse. Personally I couldn't stick with someone with this attitude and expectations (stroking his head for hours?!?!) not least because everyone I know with this mentality gets much much worse and not better with age.
How are you going to feel when he's 55 and still moping about, but now with even more health issues and no career history / pension to talk about?

Blimey people talking about separating! Seriously? In sickness and in health and all that.

I agree that he does seem like hard work and maybe you agreeing with his boss might give him a wake up call he needs.

Is he very touchy when you try to talk about it? Because to me it seems as though he is a bit half-hearted about tackling it. My DH was like this when I met him, thanks to MIL and FIL who never really looked after him (or anyone else) much or taught him how to deal with illness.

If he genuinely wants to be well, he has got to work at it: using the creams as advised, not just when symptoms are bad, eating well, getting enough sleep and fluids, exercising, going back to the doctor promptly when he really needs to. It can be surprisingly hard for some people to do this if they were not taught or at least shown self-care and dealing with illness as children.

I would not be too quick to indulge him, especially if he is not prepared to help himself. It sounds as though the refusal of sick leave is a much-needed wake up call.

If your DH is just swinging the lead, however, I would tell him you are going to ignore it, and do that.

Hi all, thanks for the input,
I do love him and he does make me happy in a lot of ways, we go on long hikes together and play music together and generally make each other laugh, but this is frustrating and a bit of a red flag for me as I have been manipulated before.
@swiftofthings He works in sales/recruitment, so it is a lot of pressure, and he generally meets his targets if not exceeds them, but we have a good work/life balance without the need to spend a lot of money. He has cancelled social events in the past and has openly lied to people in front of me about the reasons for cancelling but has also genuinely been ill.

He used to have a really bad diet before we lived together, but for the past 3 years his diet has not really changed, as I do most of the cooking, we eat a varied and balanced diet, but @welshmist and@pastabest he is french and has a very sugary breakfast every morning, chocolate brioche, croissant, etc so normally gluten-y things, other than that not much wheat or processed foods, he already stopped eating dairy with positive effects (I can't eat dairy). He has also had camera's up and down that were inconclusive, nothing to worry about in August last year. He doesn't exercise as much as I do as he has a naturally athletic build but also complains that he needs to do more exercise, which I really think would help with everything.

We don't have kids but we are both hoping to in the next couple of years(he lost his first child and partner in a car accident 12 years ago), but we have a lot to work towards first and stability is key for me due to my own unstable upbringing.

I went to meet him for lunch just now and spoke to him about it, he got very upset very quickly, and didn't really answer my questions, he said if I wanted to leave him I just should go because I was looking for excuses (what?!)
I told him I wasn't trying to fight with him, it was just driving me crazy and I asked him if there was more to it, did he need some other kind of support and if he didn't want to talk to me about it right now would he please sort it out in his own time, and try taking the propanolol prescribed to him for anxiety.
He also said he didn't want to feel ill all the time and did not enjoy being sick at work and that he was supportive when I'm ill (nope).
Then changed the subject.

So I'm halfway between feeling like an ars*hole and an idiot, he was genuinely upset and crying which I don't want to cause, but it needed to be said and there was no resolution and I lost control of the conversation.

@reginaBlitzkreig
yep thanks this is what I was trying to tell him.
I'm a care worker and I'm supposed to promote people's independance and I've done the opposite with him because I love him

He sounds like hard work, but you say he lost his first child and partner in a car a depression/illness started after that time? Would counselling help him address his behaviour around his current symptoms/MH?

Another perspective OP - As someone who was chronically ill for years ( a decade nearly) before getting any proper diagnosis, and was written off as 'anxious/depressed' as well as being told the ailments i had were minor, before eventually being vindicated- I too got fobbed off endlessly by various GP's with prescriptions that didn't help my issue because ultimately they were for the wrong thing in the end .The experience was horrendous and I felt very alone and unsupported. I cannot tell you how detrimental it was to my mental health to be desperately wanting to pull my weight, literally not be able to, but have no 'valid' reason why so i got it in the neck endlessly.
For those who will say this is extremely rare and i was unlucky, i would beg to differ as the average time of diagnosis for some rarer conditions, is years, and i've met many people with the same illnesses as i have ( through support groups) who had the exact time, if not longer time frame. The NHS is wonderful, but does not often cater very well to complex or specialised conditions. There is very limited help.

It caused me so many issues at home with my DP. Though i didn't take sporadic time off of work in the same way as you're describing he does, I was at a point, off sick for several weeks, and took an extended break inbetween jobs as i was not able to reasonably function with the discomfort and pain. Throughout, my DP would make comments 'made with care' about how if i got sacked it would ultimately be my own doing, and regularly compare his similar health issues to mine ( eg his bad headache but he can still do the washing up, vs my migraine that rendered me almost senseless) and point out how he 'just got on with it' - Frankly i felt so upset and under pressure the whole time to be well i'm sure the stress made me iller. It didn't matter that he didn't endlessly say it, as it felt like it to me. Alongside a trope of 'well-meaning' comments from others about how i 'just need to get back up and about/a bit of sun/ a holiday' etc my mental health took a nose dive.

People absolutely do feel pain in different ways, and respond to medication differently- if pain is the reason he is taking time off he could ask for a referral from his GP to a pain management clinic to attempt to control it, however be aware that in turn a lot of those medications cause side effects which can be disabling also. If the issue is a mental health based problem then that will not just go away either and he is still suffering, it is not a lesser problem.

I have no idea how ill he is or isn't, neither does anyone else here so i'm surprised at the immediate jump to assuming he needs to sort his shit out and you should leave him. If you really feel its the case he is just lazy and a hypochondriac (as i'm sure some people might well be in life) then perhaps that would be best for everyone. If you love him and believe he is honest then you'd be better off taking his word for it and deciding whether being with someone with potential health issues, be those mental or physical, is feasible for you.
If stability is so crucial to you for your own reasons then perhaps he is not the one for you as you can't expect him to snap out of anything because you have an inherent need for it.
If he can't, he can't and you need to make a decision based on the reality of what you have, not what it would be if he only changed 'x'.

Until you have resolved that though i'd not have thought it a great idea to plan a family as the issue will just magnify tenfold when you have a child to care for, when his health, and his additional income are even more relied upon.
I admire your resolve to want to 'solve' the issue but equally i'm sure he would prefer to feel well also, it is not always a simple fix. Referrals and tests can run into years. For me, having a specific test done and it returning 'normal' was in its own way stressful as i knew i felt far from it. It doesn't automatically mean that i was therefore fine and need to snap out of it.

Apologies for the length and feel free to disregard because of that but i did want to offer another perspective as so many here are similar.

Are you living with my husband? For him the issue is:

• Long term chronic depression
• Generalised and Health Anxiety
• IBS

The three things combined have made it hard for him to hold down a job without loads of time off sick and then his anxiety bubbling over and him quitting. He has taken meds when the anxiety is really bad but they come with side effects that don't help. He is currently working on his IBS (seems to be triggered by lactose) and his general health. However he hasn't been in paid employment for 8 years. I am the working parent and earn enough to keep us comfortably. He is a SAHD to a school aged child. It is only in the last 12 months he's been mentally well enough to address the IBS and it is working wonders.

I regularly want to kill him! I get so frustrated and want him to TRY HARDER to be ok. I get annoyed that he is lazy. However none of that compares to how annoyed he gets with himself and I think we both acknowledge that he can't do better and he is trying and that him being a househusband allows me to work flexibly at a job I love and to support us.

I think you need to consider whether your DP is able to do better and how you will cope if, like mine, he eventually feels he cannot work full time.

Sales/recruitment is extremely stressful work unless you are the sort of person who thrives on pressure, stress and more pressure. I did it years ago and ended up having a bit of a breakdown so I apologise for my earlier dismissive comment about his job .

However, I realised that I couldn't continue in that line of work and sales in general (the striving for targets is just so relentless and we had to complete 20 telesales calls per day also), so I got out of it. I hope your DH's new job isn't in the same field. His health may improve in a less stressful line of work, which definitely excludes having your own business. One of the happiest people I know is a post-man!