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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH is always "ill"

29 replies

COunTess56 · 12/07/2018 09:44

Hi all long time lurker here....

So my DH is generally great, can be quite lazy sometimes but so can I.
There's one thing that's bugging me though, he is always calling in sick to work.
He genuinely has had some stomach problems and an anal fissure (which are quite painful but no reason to take time off so I've read), and I have sympathized with him because I have suffered with haemorroids and IBS for years, he has had a camera in his bowels and been back to the doctors numerous times with the same answer and same prescription.

But he calls in sick for one to three days every month, sometimes more if he can get signed off, and I know he doesn't like his job, and would like to start his own business, but he was like this at his previous jobs since I have been with him.

I work different shift patterns to him as I am a carer so I am off in the days a lot so he thinks I have all this free time when really I'm recovering from a demanding job doing 12 -16 hour shifts!!! Sometimes I think he does it to spend more time with me and then expects me to be happy and think it's sweet but it's getting on my last nerve and I am losing my sympathy for him! I've even quit a job I love so I can do a 9-5 and maybe encourage him to stay at work.

He is now starting a new job in August, which will require much more from him and I'm worried the same thing will happen again.

Yesterday he called in sick to his current job, and his manager told him she wouldn't authorize his absence because his sickness record was horrific, he told me this almost shocked and when I agreed with her he was totally bemused!
I told him I understood his health problems, but it's not acceptable to take so much time off when I have similar problems and just get on with it, and that if it is persisting so much he should go to the doctors and really push to have allergy tests and stuff done etc, that this would show up in his HR record for his reference if requested, and that he wouldn't be able to do stuff like that in his new role.

He didn't really say anything to that but much later made a hinting comment that I owed him an apology, but a neutral evening followed because I just couldn't stop being annoyed but didn't know how to approach it again with him constructively.

He seems to be almost constantly ill, wanting to sleep in and complaining about his stomach and bumhole, and expects me to sit and stroke his head for hours, but complains that I waste his time if I go out and do anything without him, which I can't understand, I really don't know what to do, any advice would be great!

OP posts:
ReginaBlitzkreig · 12/07/2018 17:13

I think unqualified support can be counterproductive, in the sense that as long as you are providing that support you and your DH may both stay stuck in an undesirable situation.

I am the person with long-term health issues in our house. DH is very supportive, and in the past that support has included challenging me to stop doing things that are self-sabotaging, and requiring me to step up to manage things like ordering repeat prescriptions in good time so I don't run out of meds, and communicate openly about how I really am. Things are a lot better because DH was prepared to tackle me about stuff I was avoiding.

So OP, I think that you should continue trying to have the difficult conversations, albeit with an emphasis on loving your DH and being keen to help him. It isn't right if you are expected passively to accept the status quo even though it could spell disaster for you as well (lost job, money trouble, putting off having children etc).

Guiltypleasures001 · 12/07/2018 18:13

He lost his previous partner and child in a car accident?

Bloody hell im not surprised he's got stomach problems and an anal fissure, poor bloody sod.

Ide say he needs to see a counsellor and mention complicated grief, how does he act/get on around the anniversaries child's birthday, accident fate etc?

Skepticat · 12/07/2018 18:14

How long has he had the fissure?

With respect, what you will have read about how painful they are is based on the least severe end of the spectrum. If it hasn't healed then it will be at the more severe end - and those that don't heal by themselves usually require surgery and are f*cking agonising. I say this from personal experience. I needed surgery, opioid painkillers to keep the pain under control, and obviously had to be signed off work. The NHS info, if that's what you read, about anal fissures is so far removed from my experience and the experience of people I've talked to that it's almost laughable.

Equally, inconclusive camera tests do not equal nothing to worry about, other than they haven't found cancer. Inflammatory bowel disease can be missed in biopsies if they're not taken from an inflamed point or during a bout of inflammation, and some bowel issues like bile acid malabsorption or SIBO can't be found by a camera test, they require different tests.

My camera tests were inconclusive, I was told it was just anxiety, and then I ended up nearly dying and needing major surgery. It was not "nothing", it just wasn't picked up by the tests they did at the time they did them.

Bowel disease, if that is what is going on, can cause malnutrition and fatigue, because the body can't absorb what it needs regardless of diet. Also, if he does actually have an inflammatory disease fresh fruit and vegetables would make it much worse, whereas processed food would make his symptoms better.

Whilst it's lovely for you that you're able to get on with things, as you've apparently told him, you are not him and you are not experiencing the things he is and has. None of us knows what it is like to walk in another person's shoes, even if we think we empathise. It's unfair and unhelpful to tell people "well I have problems and get on with it". You are a different person. Just because you can cope with the problems you have, doesn't mean he can cope with the different problems he has.

Incidentally, trauma, especially the kind of trauma of suddenly losing your family in the way you've described him losing them, can manifest physically in the body for decades to come. Often with the kind of symptoms you describe. It's not "in his head" if that is the case, it's that the body gets stuck in a hyper alert state, which can cause inflammation and in turn physical illness.

Sometimes people don't push for more tests because they're scared of what the results will be. Or scared that they'll put themselves through the extra tests and still be left with no answers. That can be worse sometimes, when you're living with the physical effects of something being wrong with your body, but being told that because they can't find anything it must be in your head. Modern medicine is still a lot of guesswork.

Propranolol for anxiety, either works instantly or not at all. It only takes away the physical symptoms of heart racing etc, it wouldn't fix anything else anxiety related. It might help people push past anxiety fears and interact with people for instance, but it wouldn't calm your system or your mind necessarily. It's a bit of an odd thing to prescribe on its own as a first attempt. I've only seen it provided as a supplement to proper anxiety medication.

All of that said - if you can't live like this, you can't live like this. I don't know him, I don't know what it's like to live with him. If his health remains like this, will you be able to cope with this being your life without taking it out on him or becoming desperately unhappy yourself?

My impression - and that's all it is - is that there are swathes of this where you have been quite harsh and unfair, but also elements that sound like he is possibly being manipulative. Whether that's taking advantage of the situation or something else, I don't know.

I am puzzled what you mean by him complaining you waste his time if you go out without him? How does that work?

Your comments about things like that are a bit concerning.

COunTess56 · 13/07/2018 09:07

@skepticat @guiltypleasures001 @dontgobaconmyheart

I'm really trying to be as understanding as I can, asking the right questions, suggesting solutions, but it's like he doesn't want to hear it or do anything more than what we already tried.

He has received extensive counselling before we met, I have suggested he go back into counselling because he is obviously struggling with something, he has night terrors sometimes too, and I have been to doctor's appointments with him on several occasions, but HE NEVER TRIED TAKING THE MEDS.
I kind of understand because I too had been on anti depressants for a long time and taking tablets so you 'act right' or 'feel right' can be insulting and intimidating especially when you know they might make things worse instead of better.

He has had his fissure for maybe over two years, with it affecting him for about a week month or every few months.
I have researched anal fissure a lot because I really couldn't get my head round why it was bothering him so much, and yes it sounds painful and long lasting, but most people say it's no reason to have time off work, though it can feel very uncomfortable for a few hours after going to the toilet, it sounds like a similar feeling to haemorroids which I know all to well about, which can flare up and be hard to get rid of.
But again he does not use his cream consistently and now does not want to go back to the doctors.

I'm trying really hard to remain sympathetic, and I don't want to be insensitive to the pain he may be in but there is literally nothing I can do to make him better, and if he won't take meds/cream/visit doctors then there really is nothing left to say than just get on with it, because moping around just makes you feel worse and it brings me down too, sometimes it feels like its my fault.

I have been really patient, and I'm posting as a last resort and a bit of a vent, as I'm sure he would not appreciate me talking to friends about this.

When I 'waste his time' it normally means I haven't spent the whole day with him, or when I have to work the night shift, even though when I stay at home he mostly lies in bed until 1pm, which I can't do for too long as it hurts my back, but when I go out in the morning to yoga or whatever then come back ready to spend time with him and go hiking or whatever, he says it's too late and I've wasted enough of his time! I enjoy the time we spend together even if it's just watching a movie in our pants or walking the dog round the block.

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