DH lives in a state of unconsciousness... conditions?

[Wellber]

I'm getting increasingly frustrated at DH who is completely unaware of what is going on around him most of the time. Today, I was settling the baby to sleep whilst he was in the room next to us with our 5 year old who was shouting and singing v loudly. DH had literally just been in the room where I was and commented on the fact that i was trying to settle an over-tired baby. Yet he did nothing to quieten our 5 year old when the noise started and the loudness continued for atleast 5 minutes! The thing is, I doubt he even will have noticed the noise as he often doesn't and I find it strange.
It's a common theme.
Its not just noise. He'll often not notice that his leg is shaking or that the window wipers are still going in the car although it's not raining. He doesn't notice or remember where he puts things, he can't seem to prioritise or see himself or life from an objective viewpoint. He will go to sleep at night with the curtains open when there is a street light outside the window and not even notice that he hasn't shut the curtains.

Before children, I'd thought he was just a bit too laid back, but it's more than that. Its a real insensitivity to his surroundings and I'd say the same applies with feelings too. He cant empathise at all. I also worry that he can't sense or foresee danger when he's with the DCs.

Ive heard of hypersensitivity and the relationship it has to autism, but is there a condition whereby people have the complete opposite problem? I genuinely think DH has some form of condition which is limiting his capacity to be affected by the world around him. He will even sleep under a thick duvet in summer, his body sweating profusely.
It doesn't seem quite right. I've googled and can't find anything. It's like he's just not "with it." He has been like this for a long time. Can anyone help? It's becoming increasingly difficult to live with someone like this.

Dyspraxia, ADD/ADHD and slow processing often co-occur. Did he have any trouble at school? I think the problem you'll have is if you want him assessed by a doctor you will need to convince him, but you are also likely to need some information on how these traits manifested in his earlier life. He is unaware, so you will need cooperation from parents, perhaps.

Like Rafikils said, checklists are a great idea. My ds gets very muddled if he has to think of more than one thing at once. If he has a checklist then he can refer back to it and things run more smoothly. I wonder what your DH was like as a child?

This is interesting. I know a few people of the 'leave all the lights in the house on, unobservant, self-involved' variety and they are just very busy in their own heads but capable of paying attention to others and their needs when they want to.

Interestingly, perhaps, the female one has really turned a corner after having dcs - their needs have become part of her needs and she's 'grown up' a lot through having to be a more responsible person. The male one is more obviously capable of switching it on and off and capable of looking after dcs safely but indulged far more by others, so free to carry on in his bubble.

So, at that level, I think training and lack of being challenged on it early are big factors.

Even with someone else I know who is far more scatty, unobservant and clumsy, in a maybe dyspraxic sort of way, plus self-absorbed, she can be responsible if she identifies the thing she's being responsible about as 'part of herself and what she is doing'.

So, is the problem, or part of it, that he has grown up being allowed to think that looking after his own interests only is perfectly fine? You say he is helpful to others when asked but that's a choice and a favour. It is not the same as internalising a sense of awareness and responsibility, or ever having been told that one ought to.

I was going to suggest dyspraxia but pps beat me to it.

I have it, and have worked with children who have it. It is a broad spectrum diagnosis and many of your Dhs traits fit. I was only diagnosed as a family friend who was a psychologist spotted some unusual traits when I was a child and insisted I was assessed. It's perfectly normal to be 'high functioning' with it. I have a good job, children etc etc, you wouldn't know unless you knew me well that I have it. I would say that although you think he isn't aware of his downfalls he probably very much is but just struggles to process everything all at once and prioritise what is important. I would say that I often feel like I'm firefighting and try to be very organised in order to keep on top everything. I just thought that I was 'normal' until I got diagnosed and can now see how other find many things in life easier than I do. It can also be linked with autism, hyper-mobility and developmental delay amongst other diagnosis'.

My son is in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD.
Reading through this thread I can pick out so many behaviours and apply them to my son.
My first thought for your DH was ADHD.

My stbxh was like this. Less so sensory wise but totally and utterly detached. He either walked around in a daze or was totally fixated on something. He did some really really odd things.
Here are just a few:

1. be driving while talking to someone and then drive the complete wrong way, he did this ALL THE TIME
2. always went to the drivers side of the car even when he was a passenger
3. He said it was over between us, i was ill so went to stay with family. He took out children to his family, he decided to potty train that day??!! isnt there enough stress atm 4)Be totally unaware of others emotions and feelings
4. be unable to put things in sequence or figure stuff out in most if not all situations.
   6)constantly fell out with people and then obsessively worry about it
5. didnt appear to see danger, which was scary as we had young children. So would do something like go swimming the children would be in rubber rings and arm bands and he would just be doing lengths occasionally looking at them. When i pointed out the danger he always be littled it
6. had no connection to anything materialistically. Eg would expect me to use a single pushchair and a sling for our second child rather than fork out for a double.
7. was totally and utterly lazy and didnt care if the car had a fault or needed fixing would drive it himself or expect me to drive it. these are just a few, it was as if he was on a different planet. He was either using me to emotionally help him and keep him grounded or was bullying me. I would be more connection about the lack of emotional connection than any thing else. I have to be honest and say it started off for me a bit like how you are describing it. I later realised that it was a lot more than that and i am pretty sure my stbxh has an undiagnosed personality disorder. You just wouldn't believe some of thing things he has done, said and some of the totally and utterly odd things that he believes. Even my solicitor said hes a very odd man. Im really hoping your husband is not like this but if there is something wrong and you carnt put your finger on it than remain open minded.

they are just very busy in their own heads - this is part of ADHD too. I've realized that I have markers for it as well. Reading up on it has been incredibly enlightening in working out why the hell I've 'self sabotaged' so much in my life. It wasn't actually self sabotage, it's quite likely ADHD Inattentiveness.

I also have a lot of 'noise' in my head. There's always a dozen things competing for my attention, so the boring thing that I'm supposed to be working on I struggle to get done. Much like right now.... I'm supposed to be working and I'm here on MN

Busyness in heads - with the people I'm thinking of, it's more a total focus on what interests them, obliviousness to other things immediately around them, or going on in the world (lack of social and political awareness), rather than the 'lots of noisy things going on their heads' that you're describing. They're quite successful at work, perhaps because they're good at focusing on their chosen thing.

I’m following this as mine is very similar and especially the constant leg jiggling. It’s incredibly annoying to live with

Our eldest child has similar traits, she just has no gage of how to behave in social situations. Her spacial awareness is zero and other children find her overbearing

My DS is like this. He is autistic.

My DH is a bit like this OP. His son was diagnosed with dyspraxia at age 20 and his brother was diagnosed with ADHD at age 43. BILs doctors think MIL has ADHD too, but that’s based on what BIL has told them, she’s never been assessed.

My DH has never been assessed either, so it could easily be his way of dealing, or rather not dealing, with his abusive parents throughout his childhood.

Gosh op this has really resonated with me, my dh does some of the exact same things, no awareness of noise levels, leaving wipers on, curtains open. Like you say total lack of awareness of what's going on right in front of him. I thought he was laid back but after reading this thread I'm beginning to wonder if it is something else. I can sympathise with you, I and also finding it increasingly difficult to live with.

DD2 has dyspraxia and sensory processing difficulties - particularly an UNDER sensitivity to tactile input. She's very like this - the leg jiggling/foot tapping thing can be kind of like a sensory reassurance of whereabouts in space your foot actually is (the best way I've seen that explained is like when you've had a tooth numbed at the dentist and you keep prodding your gum to make sure it's there because you can't feel it)... also likes a very heavy blanket on her on a night (I'm the same) for the sensory reassurance. She's also got very poor working memory - can't multi-task at all and comes across as being utterly oblivious to the world and on her own little planet sometimes (seems like a very happy contented planet though).

As for the good at tennis thing - when I rang the dyspraxia foundation helpline they gave me the example they know of with a professional tennis player with the condition... can't tie his own shoelaces.

It's a really badly misunderstood condition - because everyone focuses in on the coordination part of it (that one's not a rant to get me started on at present) and the other stuff just doesn't get mentioned but when I started unpicking it - all DD2's quirks and "DD2 things" just fell right into place.

This is a brilliant video explaining the foot tapping and the like. Doesn't stop it being incredibly bloody annoying when you're living with someone doing it though (or DD2 falling off the bloody sofa for the 97th time in the day) - but helps understand it a lot!

That sounds very tough to deal with. My mil before she died maintained that she and fil only had one child because dh was so difficult. My strong suspicion is that fil couldn’t be trusted to look after dh. Mil was lucky in some ways as her mil lived with them til she died when dh was around 10 - that’s as in fil always lived with his mother and I assume the reason behind this being he wasn’t properly equipped to live alone.

Fil is very likely on the spectrum. I’m wondering if there isn’t more too it. He absolutely has a total lack of awareness and has similarities to some of the examples on this thread. He ended up accidentally abusing his dog by underfeeding it and was so stubborn that he wouldn’t listen to me. The dog was a bag of bones when it died.

Dh is ultra protective of his father and it has caused many arguments. I told dh right from the get go fil wouldn’t ever be looking after dd. I could totally imagine him inadvertently killing dd as he could only ever manage to be attentive to her for 10 minutes max. I didn’t even allow him to look after my latest dog.

Dh and I also had big arguments that his father should not get another dog under any circumstances. He finally understood that it was unintentional neglect and now agrees with me. Unfortunately he has a blind spot when it comes to his father. I suppose it must have been hard to have his father whispered about by the family all his life. Fil has always been seen as the family misfit.

As for his house, fil sees nothing. I got him all set up nicely in his home before we moved back to England. Before that everything was falling to bits for example his kitchen tap had snapped and he’d put a piece of hose pipe in its place. I always do a house check when we visit.

Even with a stubborn fil, who sees nothing it’s tough enough. With a dh to deal with, who has some of these traits, I really feel for you.

XP and DD are rather like this. They both have ASD with ADHD traits. They mostly only notice things which they actively care about or are expecting (although very occasionally, they go the other way and become hypersensitive).

Lists are useful and constant reminders. Had I known when XP was still DP I would have been much more upfront about reminding him about things. As it was, he would have been annoyed by constantly being told what he needed to do.

Can you persuade your DH to investigate what is wrong? Either that, or micromanage him... (which is exhausting).

My OH is like this- ASD and ADD.

I have to constantly remind him to be quiet when other people are sleeping.
He just doesn't get it- he will get ready for work very noisily- including singing while he goes up the stairs.

I have to remind him every time- " no singing", " close the bathroom door gently", "no banging about in the kitchen".

He is sweet, kind and generous in many other ways but the noise thing can be irritating to live with!

I do the leg jiggling thing & I'm autistic (poss also some ADHD). It's partly an anxiety thing & partly a getting-excess-energy-out thing. I notice it most of the time but there'll be times when I'm doing it without realising too.

Hi OP - it is a common misconception that people with ADHD have to be hyper - but there is a kind of ADHD without the H which is 'primarily inattentive' ADD, often missed or mis-diagnosed because as children we are less disruptive. Also the rate of adult diagnosis is high as it was relatively unknown when we were kids. This is a description of some of the traits:

Core Symptoms of ADD/ADHD
Though each of the ADD subtypes has its own set of symptoms, they all share the same core symptoms.

A short attention span for regular, routine, everyday tasks (homework, chores, etc.)
Distractibility
Organisation problems (like having a messy room, always running late, etc.)
Procrastination
Forgetfulness
Problems with follow-through
Poor impulse control (saying or doing something before thinking it through)

Primarily Innatentive Symptoms:
In addition to the core symptoms, the unique characteristics of Type 2/Inattentive ADD include:

Difficulty maintaining focus
Tendency to lose things
Making careless mistakes; poor attention to detail
Complaints of being bored
Appearing unmotivated or apathetic
Being tired, sluggish or slow moving
Appearing “spacey” or preoccupied

I got to 45 years old thinking that ADHD meant being hyperactive, before realising and getting a very late diagnosis at the same time as my son (and it turns out everyone with ADD/ADHD will have their own mix of traits - my son has primarily inattentive ADD but has the leg jiggling).

It is a neuro-biological condition which means the frontal lobe is made differently causing problems with executive functioning (basically the stuff described above).

A useful metaphor I heard was that if you imagine that part of our brain as having a series of cogs that have to work together - the brain of an ADD'er has slightly faulty ones - the things that make the cogs come together and function can be the leg jiggling (or fidget spinners) or intense focus/interest on something/massive pressure (often work well under pressure having procrastinated to the point it is now urgent - then, boom - they deliver). But for the most part to complete every day tasks that seem simple and normal to someone NT can take SO much effort to undertake it almost hurst - which is really hard to describe (and mind-blowingly frustrating for everyone around you - sorry!).

It may not be ADD/ADHD but everything you have said chimes and there is such a lack of awareness (understandably - if it isn't relevant to you you wouldn't know!), hence all that blah above. Might be worth checking out anyway! Good luck.

chipsandgin thanks for that - my OH has ADD, but not ADHD.

No hyper element.

He was late diagnosed ( in his 40s)

Further my earlier post, it's interesting reading the experiences of others. My ex-h is almost definitely ASD/ADHD and I can see so much of his behaviour here, particularly noise, lack of empathy, tapping and leg shaking. I did address this with him when our DS was diagnosed but while he acknowledged it was a possibility, he was and remains reluctant to do anything about it. To be fair, I also have traits but not anywhere near a level that impacts on my day to day life or that of my children. I think if behaviour are becoming dangerous or could potentially be dangerous then they have to be addressed, how you do this when the person can't see it themselves, I really don't know.

I'm a bit like this due to complex PTSD. People associated PTSD with hypervigilance but most of my symptoms have been avoidance based so involve a shutting down response.

Dulling the world a little bit, turning the volume down, everything being a bit muffled.

I am forgetful and struggle with executive function.

Also have great people skills which mean I tend to compensate for my planning issues by being very good and accommodating with people (also chose a people-focusesd career with minimal admin, which helps).

I do the leg jigging thing regularly, will regularly walk around in my own world, sleep with the curtains open and stay asleep even when the sun comes up, not notice that I've left something on (mainly my indicator), I use my winter duvet all through the year cause I refuse to buy two duvets. I certainly don't have autism or any other medical disorder, and I would be very offended if someone suggested I did. I'm just a laid back, chilled person who also happens to be forgetful and oblivious due to being so laid back. It certainly does not mean I have SN. Everyone's personality is different, if everyone was the same the world would be a very boring place

I’m very much like this and I have dyspraxia. I wonder into roads, have zero spacial awareness. Last night dh was in the kitchen talking to me and I opened a cupboard, smacking him in the head. I’m clumsy, disorganised and really struggle with directions or instructions. It’s a really annoying for me and lots of others!

It really shouldn't be considered offensive to suggest that someone you are close to could be autistic, or have a sensory processing problem. It's nothing to be ashamed of, knowing about it is useful, and if it does seem likely, why not point it out, especially if it is causing difficulties in their relationship?