Hen night

[Bettyooops]

To cut a long story short,
I have been close friends with a girl I have know about 15 years. Her mum and future MIL have organised her a hen party which I had agreed to go too.
However I have just getting the details through and it is going to cost more what is in my budget and the money has to be paid by the end of the week. In all honestly, I haven’t got a massive budget as I am a single mum to a one year old and all my money is tied up in either the baby or bills/house.
I am so scared to let them down because I know how I would feel if one of my close friends let me down but I physically don’t know how I am going to afford it and I don’t want them footing my bill if I’m a no show.

I know I probably seem a bit like a drama queen but I feel sick with worry thinking about it all. I would also have to make my own way there and own way back as there is nobody there from my town and I don’t know any of the other ladies at all.
Anybody ever been in this situation or got any advice? Even though I don’t know what advice I’m asking 🙈
Thankyou for reading x

If she is a good friend, then she will understand.

"Friend I'm so sorry, but unfortunately I'm not going to be able to meet the cost of the hen party. I'm really sorry to let you down and I hope that maybe you and I can catch up together after your wedding. Many many apologies but please know that I will be thinking of you on the day!"

No hen party is worth the worry of your finances especially if you're already struggling

NotTheFordType message is good, I'd cut out the last sentence, one sorry is enough to cut it

Is it a meal in a local restaurant or a trip abroad. You have the right to say no. A real friend will understand.

I couldn't afford my best friend's hen night/ extravagant weekend away. I didn't go. She wasn't happy. I was immensely disappointed at her response and wished she could have accommodated me with something closer to home. Ultimately I didn't end up going to the wedding because she was such a bridezilla. I don't speak to her anymore at all. I'm ok with it because a real friend would understand your finances don't always reflect how much you care.

thankyou for your advice! To be quite honest I don’t know if she would understand as without sounding “woe is me” she hasn’t ever been in the situation I’ve found myself in right now with no partner etc and next to no money. I love her so much and If I could afford it, I would most definitely make the effort as I know she is only getting married once. I’m just so worried she is going to fall out with me or think I’m not making the effort as since my little girl has been born, my priorities have changed and I am finding myself secluding myself from social gatherings because of my financial situation and she probably things that’s me not making a lot of effort.

The party isn’t abroad no, it’s about 15 miles away from me in the city and a very fancy day/night out.

I'd a hen night with a reasonably priced meal and then pub. I didn't want my friends out of pocket because I'd choosen to get married. One of my friends couldn't afford it, so I paid for her. It was my celebration and I wanted her there. The idea that a bride would get the knock because i wasn't in a financial position to go on their hen night would make me reassess my friendship with them. It's selfish and self centred in the extreme. And don't get me started on hen night's abroad!!!

My friends and I were just discussing hen nights the other day. Meeting at the B2B's house, a few nibbles and then a trawl round the local pubs with a chanty was the done thing back in the day. I think we should go retro with hen and stag do's, save lots of money, stress and drama.

Could you just do the night out bit and skip the day bit?

Well my whole way of thinking was that I was just going to go for a couple of hours, make my own way there and leave reasonably early so I wasn’t having to rely on taxis which is going to cost me a fortune.
But the money for the day and night needs to be transferred by the end of the week so it looks like everything has been paid for and me not going is going to leave others out of pockets.

In hindsight the money that they are asking isn’t a massive amount to someone who is on a good income or Tbf has any income at all! I think with the money they are wanting and for transport home it would cost me £100. This doesn’t include outfit for the dress code, drinks through out the day and obviously I’m going to need her a wedding present a few weeks later.
I don’t know why I am so worried to the point it’s keeping me awake at night (dramatic I know😂) but I just hate letting people down. There is quite a few others going (I don’t know a single one of them either except friend) so I don’t think my attendance isn’t going to effect anything except the price going up and my friend thinking I’m not making an effort.

I’ve been in this situation - single mother of 2.

I said I couldn’t make the all day shopping (yawn) or the all night clubbing.

I did go to the meal and bought the cheapest thing and drank water. Then they split the bill (including bottles of champagne) and it literally took everything from my bank account.

I’d never do that to anyone else (should I suddenly get married!)

You shouldn't go. No reasonable friend should want her friend struggling financially to go to her hen do.

Write a nice card explaining its just out of your reach, and suggest you go out for a meal/night out locally to celebrate? Alternatively buy a bottle of champagne/Prosecco for her to take to the hen party and know you were thinking of her?

£100 for a night out!!!! I'm not a single mum, we have a good income and I'd be reluctant to spend this on a hen doo, then go to the wedding. I think they should have planned this in advance so if you were prepared to spend that, you could have saved up.

How about you join them for a few drinks and take public transport? No shame in saying you can't afford it.

Again, thankyou for all your replies. I don’t think I am going to go and am taking all your advice on board.
It’s just bottling up the courage to say something. Hopefully il not be made to pay the money they are asking.

If you're a bride and you want a spa weekend, to hire a cottage, go llama trekking etc etc then good for you but you have to understand that sometimes people can't pay hundreds of pounds for such things and won't be able to attend. The sensible option if you really want everyone there is to either have 2 dos, one expensive and one cheap night down the pub or options eg if you can't afford the llama trekking come meet us for a drink before/after.

So yes don't feel bad, a true friend will understand.

You would think that wouldn’t you? To give my friend her due, I don’t actually think she knows the plans for her hen night as it is all a surprise to her.
I’m just so worried I’m still going to have to fork out the bill. Which I know I agreed to go I just didn’t think it was going to be this much. And the longer I’m leaving it to say I can’t actually go the worse I’m making it.

I wish I had a backbone 😔

I would message her mum to say that you are very sorry but due to your current financial situation you are unable to commit to attending the Hen do currently planned. Maybe make arrangements to see the bride and have a face to face with her to explain that you are unable to attend.

Maybe have a nice picnic together one afternoon instead.

Please dont feel bad though.

Just be honest and say that you simply can't afford to go. I spent a fortune on weddings in my 30s but there was a stage when I had my first that I simply couldn't afford the time or money so I didn't go. It didn't bother my friends just like when a few years later they had to turn down stuff because they had young children then.

And they can't get money from you that you don't have!

I couldn't make a hen do once (diff reasons) last minute but I just sent some drink money for the hen which was very much appreciated - she's lovely anyway but even the other members of the hen party at the wedding commented on how nice it was. if you can spare a little perhaps that's an option?

I once went to a hen do which was a w/e at a Spa including meal and overnight stay. I couldn't really afford it and it spoilt my enjoyment of the day/night. I wish I'd had the courage to say no. Could you ask if it's ok to pop round, take a bottle of fizz and explain your position? Hopefully she will understand. x

If you can't afford it then you can't afford it, not a lot you can do. Was the cost mentioned and agreed by you before they requested the money, if not then it's not your problem if they have to pay for your no show...you didn't agree to it

Have a chat with her, today if possible so they can cancel your place. Any good friend will completely understand.
Tell her you can’t wait to go to the wedding but unfortunately finances won’t stretch to the hen do.
If you do have a little spare, maybe send a bunch of flowers with a lovely note in to her work/home the day before 😊

Don’t reveal any details to your friend or the others will be mad at you if you spoil the surprise. Contact the organiser only. Say “thanks for the hen party details but sadly I can’t afford that much money. I’m a single mum and I struggle to get by. I’m happy to just come for a few hours on the day and make my own way home, if that’s ok? Thanks so much” then see what happens. Give them a chance to be decent about it until they aren’t.

Also, you don’t have to spend a fortune on a wedding gift. Get the card/wrapping paper from the pound shop and get them something reasonably cheap and personal like a wedding album for their photos or a framed print of their names.

She should be the one worrying about you!