Feeling conflicted advice needed please

[Justme1981]

Hi all
Ive posted on here recently about my relationship with dh, im in a bit of a mess & need some outsider perspective please.
In brief dh can be unpleasant to live with rude to myself & ds, he really struggles with nights & early morning wakings (ds is 18 months ) we have no sex life, hes sleeping on sofa as its too hot. He calls me fat & our ds a little rat or little bastard. I spoke to womens aid & after giving full details they said hes psychologically abusive, that i should make a plan to get out.
Last night i tried to talk to dh about how i felt, that his words hurt me, that i dont feel loved or wanted. He again said hes sleeping on sofa because of the heat. He then told me that hes making an effort & thought we were working through things. I said we still need to talk though. He then said that the way i talk to him is disgusting, that i dont care about him (not true) and that he feels like putting a gun in his mouth & pulling the trigger. One of the problems is we dont spend much time together except on annual leave, he said that it wasnt right i had visited my cousin at uni on my day off. I reminded him we had agreed i could go see her ages ago (it was a special event at her uni). I told him i dislike the names he calls ds he says he calls his brother worse. I said you are his parent, its a different relationship & its not right. He then continued to say how hard it is looking after ds, hes tired, never gets a break except when i & ds go to bed.
I feel so conflicted i feel sick, i love him but dont know how to improve things, weve had counselling in the past which didnt help. I recently saw a message on his phone (i know i should nt have looked & that will teach me but i cant unsee it) from that time he was saying he has all the power as he can take everything inc ds from me, he also talked about women being 'fucking vermin' on his texts.
But sometimes he is lovely makes me drinks etc he says hes really trying...
Help!! I need an outsiders view, anyone been through similiar and come out with a happy marriage at the end? Any advice?

Women’s aid are right I’m afraid; make a plan and get out. He is abusive and from the message you saw it seems he’s not just abusive towards you but has a horrible attitude to women in general.

Making you the occasional cuppa is not compensation for being an inadequate partner and father - my husband makes breakfast for all 3 of us every week day as he gets up for work before the baby and I get up and he’s doing his anyway, so we come down to breakfast and fresh coffee on the table. I’ll do it when I stop maternity leave and start being the first one up. It is lovely, but it isn’t special - it’s little ordinary ways of making life better and easier for each other.

Get out, and if and when you want to, find someone who is proud to be with you and happy to actively make your life better/easier, not worse.

Thank you verbena i really appreciate you taking the time to reply & your advice

That’s not on, does he call his son those names to his face?
You can do much better without him.
You don’t need to be allowed to go out for the day that’s not how a loving relationship works.

You need to get out

He is a cunt

Please end your relationship. Ypur son is getting damaged to see you tolerating this.

He thinks women are vermin, and calls your DS, the person he should love the most in the world, a rat, or a bastard. You cannot have a happy marriage with someone like that. He has made his views clear, and he will not change! Please leave, and be happy without him.

Wow he's a treasure isn't he ? Exactly what is it that you love about him ?
You are worth so much more than this.

Thanks for all your replies.
Yes he calls ds those names to his face :-( its at night if he wont/cant settle.
He used to be so loving to me, somewhere along the line things changed, i dont really know when.
I feel physically sick, tonight got back home he seemed unhappy to see me, said its because of last night. Hes already eaten (thats fine i feel too sick to eat) says it will take him time to forgive me.
Im sat here upstairs alone crying i know its pathetic.
Thank you again to all who have replied

And what is it you are meant to have done last night?

What are you going to do ? This is intolerable.

Please protect your son.

You have to make the decision to leave, both for your own sake, and more importantly for the sake of your ds. You may find that if ds grows up in this toxic atmosphere, he will start abusing you too. He'll think it's normal. No more crying, no more trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. There is no doubt. Get out now.

I was in a very simillar situation to this! I found out I was pregnant and at that point decided to leave after his last episode, (thinking about mine and the babies safety) You need to think of your safety and wellbeing! His behaviour is unnacceptable, he should not be treating you or your son the way he is. Get help, speak to family and do whats best for you! Its not fair on yourself to be living under duress.

You and your sons happiness should be prioritised over his childish abusive behaviour!!

Thank you for your replies, sorry for the delay i went to bed & am just up with ds.
You are right i need to think of ds. My worry is that if i leave i wont be able to stop dh from being horrid to ds at least if we live together i can fix it. Rationally i know i need to leave, but my heart is breaking. My ds has just given me the biggest cuddle hes such a loving boy i hate that dh cant see that.

None of these bastards are horrible all the time, there are always short nice periods to keep you hooked.

But personally I have never, ever regretted leaving my dd's father.

My worry is that if i leave i wont be able to stop dh from being horrid to ds at least if we live together i can fix it

But you aren’t fixing it are you? He’s doing it which is why you posted.

So you either stay and 100% of the time your son will be living with an abusive father and an mother who accepts this. THat will be his normal.

Or you can leave and raise him correctly so he’s able to see for himself the behavioural standards he should be setting and receiving in life.

It must b a daunting thought, but I'm sure that you know you and your DS will be better off apart from this abusive bully.
Show your ds a calm, loving and nurturing home, he will grow up knowing true love vs what abusive behaviour looks like.
You and your DS deserve happiness

Your son is living with this man.

If you leave, chances are he'll be exposed every other weekend at the most. Or his dad will lose interest fast, as DS is such hard work.

So, your DS is no excuse not to leave.

And at least you'll show your son that abusers are to be left, not put up with.

he was saying he has all the power as he can take everything inc ds from me, he also talked about women being 'fucking vermin' on his texts.

I’m sorry, but this tells you everything you need to know. He will never change the way he treats you because this is what he really thinks of you. You are ‘vermin’ that he enjoys having ‘all the power’ over, and your son is a bargaining chip he can use to wield that power over you. Loving husbands and fathers simply do not talk this way about their families. I’m so sorry.

It’s very telling that after that horrible long description of all the truly awful things he does, the only counter-example you can give of his ‘nice’ behaviour is that he makes you drinks sometimes

What would you rather have, a husband who treats you with love and respect, or a husband who makes you the occasional cup of tea?

Please, please talk to someone and get help with this awful situation.

In 20 years time this is what your son will be like if you don't leave. He won't respect you or any other woman. If you can't leave for yourself do it for your son. Make plans to secretly move, find a job and a house, pick a town miles and miles away and leave. You need to be strong for your son. I'm sorry but I don't think your DH will even care about contact or maintenance when you've gone, he'll just find some other poor woman to inflict misery on because he hates life. Don't let him drag you down 💐

I can't imagine how hard it is for you. But you know what you have to do.

Please get angry on your behalf. I feel angry for you and your beautiful baby. It will be hard to leave, but leave you must. If it makes it easier, decide what it is you want to change/where the clear boundaries are. Write it down. Give him 1/2/6 weeks and say if you do X again I will leave. This might give you the clear motivation to go. You will have done your absolute best. Keep posting. x

Oh OP he really is a nasty piece of work isn't he? The way he speaks to you and your DS is vile and it's classic psychological abuse, you would be well rid of him. Maya Angelou said "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time", this man is showing you very clearly who he is both. He will NEVER change.
As Plasticgiraffe said In 20 years time this is what your son will be like if you don't leave. He won't respect you or any other woman. If you can't leave for yourself do it for your son.
I hope you find the strength to leave this shitty excuse of a man, all of MN will be cheering for you when you do.
Sending

Thank you everyone, the strength of support here is amazing,
We had a huge row again this morning, he says if it ends he wants ds (i think this is to hurt me) and some of my pay/pension. I said no to both but he says that is fair. We ended up agreeing that we will try to work through this, that he will try to be loving to ds & not call him names. I have told him how much it hurts hearing it & that its not normal to not say i love you to your child. I feel sick. I dont know which way is up anymore.

Keep a diary of these arguments, and any situations you witness with your son. Keep all messages and emails, write everything down!!

His behaviour will all stand as evidence against him should you decide to leave. He cannot take your son away from you, he cannot take your pay or pension. Get advice from citizens advice, and read up on your rights on gov.net. Make sure you know where you stand so when he threatens you again with taking your son away you are fully aware and can stand your ground. He is scaremongering and in a way trying to suggest that staying with him is the easier option. Stay smart, and dont be scared to leave if you need to! Even if its to get away for a weekend!

You are so much stronger than you realise!! You will be great no matter what happens ❤

I think, OP, you would benefit from taking the Freedom Programme, therapy and/or finding out about your rights.

Do you have friends and family? I ask because abusers tend to separate their victims from friends and family and that makes it so much harder to get away from them.

Thank you i will have a look at the gov pages, you are right i need to know my rights. Hopefully that will make me stronger!
I dont have any close family, (nc with mum who physically/verbally/emotionally abused me until i went nc, dad rip) i have a couple of v good friends but dont see them often. I havent been out with them since having ds as dh wont look after him at night if hes working the next day & im generally too knackered on my work days to do anything after (i work 8-6 4 days a week its an hour away, dh works other 3 days).

Please leave for the sake of your son. Seeing this abuse from a young age is going to ruin his life - he'll either become an abuser/sociopath himself or his self-esteem will be so destroyed he could turn to addiction/suicide in later life. There's no way he will grow up being called those names from babyhood and turn out just fine.

You know this is wrong. He's only got you to protect him. Speak to those friends of yours, even if you don't see them often they are still your friends.