Feeling conflicted advice needed please

[Justme1981]

Hi all
Ive posted on here recently about my relationship with dh, im in a bit of a mess & need some outsider perspective please.
In brief dh can be unpleasant to live with rude to myself & ds, he really struggles with nights & early morning wakings (ds is 18 months ) we have no sex life, hes sleeping on sofa as its too hot. He calls me fat & our ds a little rat or little bastard. I spoke to womens aid & after giving full details they said hes psychologically abusive, that i should make a plan to get out.
Last night i tried to talk to dh about how i felt, that his words hurt me, that i dont feel loved or wanted. He again said hes sleeping on sofa because of the heat. He then told me that hes making an effort & thought we were working through things. I said we still need to talk though. He then said that the way i talk to him is disgusting, that i dont care about him (not true) and that he feels like putting a gun in his mouth & pulling the trigger. One of the problems is we dont spend much time together except on annual leave, he said that it wasnt right i had visited my cousin at uni on my day off. I reminded him we had agreed i could go see her ages ago (it was a special event at her uni). I told him i dislike the names he calls ds he says he calls his brother worse. I said you are his parent, its a different relationship & its not right. He then continued to say how hard it is looking after ds, hes tired, never gets a break except when i & ds go to bed.
I feel so conflicted i feel sick, i love him but dont know how to improve things, weve had counselling in the past which didnt help. I recently saw a message on his phone (i know i should nt have looked & that will teach me but i cant unsee it) from that time he was saying he has all the power as he can take everything inc ds from me, he also talked about women being 'fucking vermin' on his texts.
But sometimes he is lovely makes me drinks etc he says hes really trying...
Help!! I need an outsiders view, anyone been through similiar and come out with a happy marriage at the end? Any advice?

I don't live in the UK, but everyone swears by the Freedom Programme that is given by Women's Aid. It is either free or inexpensive, can't remember which, but I think it would be a good start for you.

Thank you both, we have agreed to give it one last try, hes promised to stop calling ds names.
Im also going to get some legal advice just in case
Thank you all

By all means let him try (for all of 5 minutes in all likelihood) but please use this time to check out your legal/financial/housing situation so you feel more empowered when if things go south again. It's amazing the strength it can give you to have a plan in place and it'll help you ignore his threats about taking DS etc. And yes, do the freedom programme, even the online version is worth doing if you can't physically attend, here's a link www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Thank you for the link to freedom programme i will take a look.
Ive booked an appt with a solicitor for just in case. Thank you to everyone on here you are giving me the courage to do this

Op

This man will not change. He is dysfunctional and abusive.

Unfortunately due to your own upbringing you were ripe for the taking. What is also apparent is that you are now raising your son in an abusive environment. From what you have said things don’t seem too bad for you yet but actually things will get worse.

You got in trouble for having a day out? You get no help with your son?

You say you want to stay as that way you can protect your son - no you can’t he is exposed to the daily underbed of domestic abuse in the form of possessive and controlling behaviour.

The early years are so important and already your lovely little boy has been on the receiving end of intimidating verbal abuse by his caregiver. I can tell you it will damage him.

This man will certainly not be interested in keeping your son if you leave and it’s unlikely he would get a slice of your pension. Especially if he has his own. These are just attempts to place fear in your head.

There is a lesson to be learned here. He’s a nasty abusing waste of space. You will find you give him many chances.....but one day you will wake up and see him for what he is.

Oh and yes of course he will try. It’s called mr nasty mr nice.

When abusers see you’ve had enough they turn on their nice act, tell you what you want to hear blah blah then boom the nasty side emerges.

You are virtually raising your son alone anyway. It’s a shame you get no support with all these early mornings especially as you work.

You could try the baby board on here for tips if your son is a very early riser