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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being unreasonable?

33 replies

Vieve · 10/07/2018 19:40

Hi

My husband & I both work. Me about 40 minutes from home and him a good 2 hour commute. I am the main breadwinner. I have a very responsible job with staff at multiple sites. He has no staff and limited responsibility. He leaves for work at 5.45am and only gets back 7.30pm. This means I do the childcare (we have a daughter in primary school), dropping off at grandparents who take her to school, picking up at 5.30pm, special events, organising things for school and other activities, buying present for friends parties etc etc. I also end up organising most things around the house, housework and doing the DIY. He is trying to sell a product he has developed over the past 8 years and uses this for justification for working where he does. Admittedly he has now started to sell the product but it's not going to make millions!!But I feel he doesn't appreciate or even respect my job and does nothing to help or support me to do my job. If I need to go for an early meeting I have to ask in advance and only get "help" on some occasions. I feel like as long as I pay the bills he doesn't really care about what I do. He's willing to give up the job if I will support him. He refuses to find a job locally. So my question is, am I being mean by wanting more support and help around the house? He sees this product he's developed as a way to pay off the mortgage early so he can retire. Should I be more supportive and help him to achieve his dream? He says he's doing it for us but I'm not buying it anymore. I have no social life or friends but he goes out whenever he wants to. If I go out shopping he constantly phones me to check on me. Even accused me of being a lesbian and hitting on my one friend, so I don't even feel comfortable having female friends anymore. I just need a sanity check please!

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 10/07/2018 19:53

When you say two hour commute. Do you mean in total or 2 hours each way. If in total he's only commuting 40 minutes more than you, for a business that doesn't make money, so is royally taking the piss! If two hours to work and 2 back for a business that isn't making money then he's a fecking bad businessman who is royally taking the piss! He is both emotionally and financially abusive and you'd be better off divorcing him in my opinion.

I'm all for the dream of early retirement but it seems to your job to do EVERYTHING til that MIGHT happen. And is he suddenly going to turn into Mr Supportive and do his share if this product miraculously comes good? I doubt it! More likely you won't see him for dust.

category12 · 10/07/2018 19:56

Sounds like you wouldn't really notice much if he wasn't there. Might be less work in fact.

Vieve · 10/07/2018 19:57

It's 2 hours commute each way.. with train fair of about £12K/ year!

OP posts:
eightfacesofthemoon · 10/07/2018 19:58

Have you ever thought that he’s just a plain areshole?
I mean throwing it out there...but

Vieve · 10/07/2018 20:00

Smileyes I do.... a large part of the time. But I have no family or friends to support me so guess I just put up with it. But thanks for helping me to see I'm not being unreasonable!

OP posts:
category12 · 10/07/2018 20:06

But you manage just fine with him as a millstone round your neck? You don't have support now with him. I don't see what he's bringing to the party.

Wallywobbles · 10/07/2018 20:07

Yup. He's bringing shite all to the party and leaving with the hosts champagne.

eightfacesofthemoon · 10/07/2018 20:07

Unless what your saying is lies. I would say
FACT
he’s an areshole. I was going to say break it all down, but I don’t think there is much point. He does what he wants
You do what he wants

And an hour on a train. 1/2 hour either side, sounds pretty easy to me. I did it for years. It was a nice restbite.

eightfacesofthemoon · 10/07/2018 20:08

@Wallywobbles
Best analogy ever. I am stealing it

Thingsdogetbetter · 10/07/2018 20:09

12k train fare for a product he thinks MIGHT sell? He's a bloody awful businessman! As well as afore mentioned plain old asshole!
You'd have time to develop supportive friendships using the money you're subsidising him with on babysitters!

Wallywobbles · 10/07/2018 20:12

@eightfacesofthemoon why thank you.

OP who actually pays for his train fare. You'd be loads better off without him.

HollowTalk · 10/07/2018 20:13

Is he actually earning anything? Is he employed and doing this business thing on the side?

He has a rotten attitude. I'd reconsider things if I were you.

Vieve · 10/07/2018 20:43

He has a job but as you can guess, a large chunk goes on travel. So I cover all the bills and half the mortgage. The business is on the side.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 10/07/2018 20:45

So he pays half a mortgage, nothing else and doesn't even help with the dc let along do his share. While you pay half the mortgage, ALL the bills and do everything for the dc. And you were asking if YOU were being unreasonable? ? Wtf!

SandyY2K · 10/07/2018 20:50

YABU. He is.
I'd be very fed up with a husband like that.

Constant phoning when you're out. Accusing you of being a lesbian...it would piss me off.

UrsulaPandress · 10/07/2018 20:56

And you love him because .......?

HollowTalk · 10/07/2018 21:01

If you imagine a life without him beside you, do you feel happier or more sad?

titsbumfannythelot · 10/07/2018 21:39

Jesus h christ. Have my first LTB.

A first rate cocklodger. You can do much better.

SandyY2K · 10/07/2018 22:49

Apologies. I meant to say YANBU.

RabbitsAreTasty · 10/07/2018 22:55

What is the point of him?

HeebieJeebies456 · 11/07/2018 01:52

So he doesn't want a partnership - he wants a cash cow who bends to his will.....how long do you want to stay in that role?

Doingreat · 11/07/2018 05:03

Wow. Just wow. How do these absolute total shits manage to find and KEEP FOR YEARS such supportive and loving partners like yourself Op? Just what is their secret? How do they reel women like you in?

He sounds like a bloody teenager who contributes less than nothing to your life. He expects you to subsidise his little hobby while 0xd4
You sound absolutely amazing by the way. Juggling a demanding job with kids and keeping home life ticking over.

Monty27 · 11/07/2018 05:07

I would rather be poor and spend time with my DC's and not spend 12k sitting on trains

Monty27 · 11/07/2018 05:09

Sorry posted too soon..
And if he doesn't want to be financially supportive I would kick him to the kerb
This is no family life op. Flowers

Doingreat · 11/07/2018 05:12

Sorry posted too soon.
Meant to say he expects you to subsidise his little hobby while you run around killing yourself doing everything.

In the immortal words of Attilatthemeerkat, what is in this relationship for you now? What are you getting out of this relationship?

Sorry about calling him a shit. Though it's well deserved. Can't sleep it's too hot. Been awake since 3am reading about shit men on MN. Outraged for the women dealing with these nasty pieces of work.

Get rid of him OP. At least that way he will have to contribute to child maintenance and look after his kids at least some of the time.

And again. You sound amazing. I'm in awe of women like you who do it all. Now do one more thing. Please. For yourself. LTB

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