Am I being unreasonable?

[Vieve]

Hi

My husband & I both work. Me about 40 minutes from home and him a good 2 hour commute. I am the main breadwinner. I have a very responsible job with staff at multiple sites. He has no staff and limited responsibility. He leaves for work at 5.45am and only gets back 7.30pm. This means I do the childcare (we have a daughter in primary school), dropping off at grandparents who take her to school, picking up at 5.30pm, special events, organising things for school and other activities, buying present for friends parties etc etc. I also end up organising most things around the house, housework and doing the DIY. He is trying to sell a product he has developed over the past 8 years and uses this for justification for working where he does. Admittedly he has now started to sell the product but it's not going to make millions!!But I feel he doesn't appreciate or even respect my job and does nothing to help or support me to do my job. If I need to go for an early meeting I have to ask in advance and only get "help" on some occasions. I feel like as long as I pay the bills he doesn't really care about what I do. He's willing to give up the job if I will support him. He refuses to find a job locally. So my question is, am I being mean by wanting more support and help around the house? He sees this product he's developed as a way to pay off the mortgage early so he can retire. Should I be more supportive and help him to achieve his dream? He says he's doing it for us but I'm not buying it anymore. I have no social life or friends but he goes out whenever he wants to. If I go out shopping he constantly phones me to check on me. Even accused me of being a lesbian and hitting on my one friend, so I don't even feel comfortable having female friends anymore. I just need a sanity check please!

Research narcissistic abuse

Sounds like you are carry him , and you sound terrific in all that you do working and looking after your kids .
No your not being unreasonable , your stronger than you think , if you do decide to take the plunge and go it alone , you will be amazed how quickly you will gain friends and have a lot more support then when you were married , sorry but it is the truth , do take time to rethink what YOU need to help YOU , and evaluate what your husband really contributes , and maybe you will see a clearer picture , on how you can improve your quality of life , goodluck and hope it resolves itself soon.

Errr what? He commutes 2 hours each way?!? Is this for real? You are the main breadwinner and you do everything!!?? Are you serious? Plus you have no social life? So it’s his dream to retire early. Sounds like he already is!!
I’d say get rid, downsize your house to make life/finances more manageable, get in a cleaner couple of times a week and start getting a babysitter every week for a couple of evenings and go out and enjoy your life! What’s the point of working hard like that if you are supporting this guy who does nothing to support you!!!

You're doing everything without him, stop letting him drag you down, sounds like you'd be better off without him

Seriously OP. Stop trying to get him to help more around the house and just face the fact that he's a twat in more ways than one. Get rid.

Not at all OP it is your husband who is being a selfish little man, he clearly only has his own goals and aspirations in sight and could not care less.

I would be very careful and ensure that I protect myself financially from him, ensure he pays half of everything etc, do not bear the brunt of the finances.

Unfortunately it is time to make a decision as to whether or not you are going to allow this selfish behaviour to continue or whether you are going to put your foot down and take control of the situation. You manage a lot of people from day to day trust me you can manage one little piss ant like him too.

But personally as you seem very unhappy, I would start taking steps to separate if he is not prepared to change. There are a lot of help out there for those of us who do not have the support of family or friends when it comes to childcare. And once you have all your ducks in a row you will find that life will be so much simpler and I doubt his parents would turn their backs on their grandchild, so I would not be too concerned about that.

And if you do need in house help, there are such wonderful things as Nannies, I had a wonderful one for 4 years and she was a credit to our house and my child.

There is always a solution to a problem, never be afraid to take those first steps. You seem like a very strong woman and if he refuses to change then you need to make the changes that would be better for you.

Having a mother who is not only emotionally but also mentally in a better space is also only beneficial to your child.

How much does he earn? And can he get a job Closer?
Seems crazy!
I feel for you re the job and childcare as I'm in a similar position albeit my husband does do more drop off and pick ups now as he's between jobs but his last position I felt it all fell to me almost and I earn x3 what he does yet my job was the one that suffered and I lost many working hours a week doing all the childcare pick ups and drop offs ... pita
I'm hoping the new job isn't quite so strict and flexible working or part time works for us!

I'm sure he could get a job closer but won't. Says he's overqualified, He's not prepared to change field even slightly and wants a job doing exactly what he wants to do. I think that's why he likes working where he does.... it's a prestigious organisation and he can use the name to impress people, even though his job is very low down the pecking order.