My ex partner will be getting arrested tomorrow, I feel sick

[firsttimemum90]

I’ve posted a couple of times about getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I ended things back in March and the following months have been hell. I’ve had massive denial, anxiety, the feel I’m dependent on him and violence.
In this breakup period there have been four episodes of violence. Usually around the house and living situation. He won’t leave. So he forces me out the house in anyway. He’s mainly only pushed, grabbed me. I reported him in April after he pushed me to the floor and was very abusive to me. I played it down to the police, he got a phone call that’s all. After that he went mad and I ended up apologising to him, he said I betrayed his trust and threatened to take our son away. I was heartbroken.
I’ve had 8 weeks of counselling and his word don’t be effect me as much as before but I have a long way to go.
Sunday night we were in the house together. An argument started, he pushed me and headbutted me. I called 999 as did he blaming me. Police came, questioned noth of us. I refused to give me a statement he got made to leave the property. I got classed as high risk on safeguarding. Next day my family’s and friends persuaded me to give a statement. That happened today. Inially they said it would be unlikely to go to court. Then I gave my statement, something didn’t let me hold back. My friend had taken pictures of previous bruising he has caused and this was all given to the police. It’s now gone from he’ll be cautioned an asked toccome to station, and I’ll be offered support. To he will be arrested tomorrow. I feel so so guilty and wish I never did it. Please any words of advice I feel horrible. He’s messaging me now saying he hates we are like this and wishes we could just get on. That won’t happen after tomorrow. All I wanted was to be amicable for our son.

OP, you feel ashamed because you care about him more than yourself right now. You have NOTHING to feel ashamed of. He behaved this way, he chooses how he reacts, you didn’t force him to headbutt you.
You have done the right thing, the action you’ve taken is absolutely right. He will no doubt dress it another way, but they do that don’t they. Do not be drawn in by his selfish endeavour to eliminate his guilt and responsibility. This would only have escalated, he could have caused permanent damage or worse.
Stand strong against this, lean on friends and family, know that you are in the right. It may well hurt, but in the years to come, you’ll be pleased you did this, proud even, knowing you protected yourself and your child.

Please don't feel guilty for something that is entirely his fault. You, and your friends, have got it exactly right and this is the only way it can go. Get and take any help you are offered and look after yourself. Well done.

You need to stay the hell away from him and keep your son safe! Social services are probably already planning a visit. If you're not firm that you will drop all contact they will open a case. Your son is what's important. You've done the right thing and taken the first steps to protect him now you need to keep on this path.

Echoing what @pog100 has said. Every one of us has the right to be safe from violence and abuse. You didn't "make" him attack you; he chose to do that and he has to take the consequences. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

You care for him and still love him, but you need to think of your child. You don't want him to think that behaviour is normal do you?

You also need to be healthy and away from this man so you can raise a healthy, well-rounded child.

Run and good riddance!!

Thank you for the responses. I just feel awful and like I’m to blame. I trigger him, and now I’ve reported what he’s done because of me, and he’ll get in trouble. Yes I have been told there will be a social worker assigned to us now. It all feels like it’s koving very very fast. Will they stop him seeing our son. It will break my sons heart, he’s not a bad dad to him. We just can’t be around each other. I know that and I won’t let that happen again. I feel so anxious and scared

If he's a convicted violent criminal then social will want him to have supervised contact to start and will assess his safety around the child. But he could very well be in prison for 2 years and not want to see your child after coming out. Do what the social worker tell you to. You might be an amazing Mother but if you don't cut ties with your ex they could see that as a danger to your son and possibly take further steps. I'm saying that to be real with you, they can be your greatest ally but their priority will always be the child. He is a bad father. A good father wouldn't touch the Mother of his child let alone repeatedly beat her.

You don't 'trigger' him. Nor was it 'because' of you. He wanted to treat you badly, he wanted to abuse you. It was a choice he made. An actual conscious choice. He waited for the right moment and a normal action of yours that would justify that choice to himself. And he's messed with your head so much that he's managed to get you justifying his choice to yourself as well.
Does he choose to this to others, to workmates, bosses, people down the pub? Nope! Because they won't put up with it. They'd have him arrested first time. This shows he can resist and choose who and when he abuses.
This temporary action, like childbirth I imagine, is painful. But there is a new life to be had at the end: yours!!!

You did the right thing, totally. You have potentially saved countless women from being subjected to the abuse from this arsehole. Well done

You know - a friend of mine knows someone like you, didn’t want to report her partner etc etc, he was violent towards her too, she said it would get worse, her friend didn’t listen, one day she ‘triggered’ him, so he stabbed her - in front of their kids. He’s in prison now, she’s in a wheelchair (can’t walk anymore) and has moved To another country. Not saying it will happen to you, but it escalates. Be very careful, he doesn’t sound safe.

Has anyone been there and the partner/ex been arrested? What happened. I can’t help feeling guilty. He’s not a bad dad to our son, my son adores him. I’d be heartbroken if he went to prison and having to explain that to him. Or if he has to go to a visitation centre I wish this wasn’t my life

He head butted you. He has left you bruised. Don't minimise that.

You need to set an example to your son that it's not acceptable.

You don't deserve it. I promise you didn't cause or trigger it. You could say what you wanted to me and I would never head butt. That's the same for most people. He is violent. He is dangerous.

Don't feel guilty. Feel proud that you are taking a stand. You deserve more.

He is a bad father. There is nothing stopping him from turning round and beating up your son the way he beats you. Then you'd have something to feel guilty about. You need to understand he is not safe to be around your son on his own. He is a safeguarding concern and if you allow that you will be seen as just as bad as him in the eyes of social services. It has to be about your son now not your ex. I don't want you to end up losing your son because of what your ex did.

Yes I’ve been there - they will arrest him and charge him - he may plead not guilty - but the police have your evidence and statement. He may be kept in a cell overnight and put before the magistrate in the morning.
If he’s bailed they will tell him not to contact you and not to go to your address.
Mine was charged with 2 counts of common assault - he was given a 2 year suspended sentence - ordered to go on a domestic violence course and a small fine.
I asked for a restraining order - so he can’t come to the house and it was given. On the day of his court case the prosecution called me and I gave the history. He hadn’t battered me but it was a push or shove; threats to kill and smashing things up,
He wouldn’t leave previously or if he did he’d come back.
YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING - he WILL NOT change.
He has abused YOU - how fucking dare he.
Find your anger - he wouldn’t do it to anyone else.
Look up trauma bonding - it may apply to you.
Really - you need to keep away from him. I blocked mine as he was calling me on the way to the police station. He’s going to emotional mess with your head - you can block him.
I felt guilty off course - we are human - but please let him go.
Social services will become involved. You are deemed to be high risk. It’s best if contacts at a supervised contact centre.
These men don’t let go easily. Seek support and if he comes anywhere near you call the police.
Sorry your going through this.🌺

You are not in any way to blame, so have no reason to feel guilty. His abusive behaviour has put him in this position. He is very unlikely to go to prison unless he has a past track record of violence, in which case he would richly deserve it. I agree with Mary's points above. Please look after yourself and your son and don't give this abuser any headspace.

This is about what is best for your DS. Children in households where domestic abuse happens, suffer poor outcomes later on in the future. They are faced with the choice of identifying with the abuser and becoming an abuser. Or identifying with the victim and picking an abusive partner. You might think they do not know what is going on between their parents, but they do and they fear the worst. OP, you have done the right thing for your DS.

When they say about court. Do I actually have to go there and give evidence. When I last went to police but wouldn’t give a statement he said I had betrayed his trust, he was disappointed in me and threatened to take our son away.
I just don’t get it. It’s obviously been really emotional breaking up but I know that doesn’t give him a right to do what he does.
Yes I have been classed as high risk.
I know my questions can’t be answered but if he’s realeased does he get to still see my son. Do I say no. It’s meant to be his weekend with him this weekend. I just feel so anxious and worried

OP I’ve been here

You feel guilty because he’s been gaslighting you and minimising for such a long time.

Keep pressing with this. When you are ready you’ll worry about contact with your son. And you’ll want this evidence when it has to go to court. You’ll need this to keep him safe.

You’re doing great

He is NOT a good Dad. He hurts and abuses you, your DS's DM. What will happen when your DS decides to disagree with him? Will he get headbutted too?

You might think your DS doesn't know what has being going on he undoubtedly is. Do you think your DS's room is soundproofed or something? He's probably heard everything, including your Ex hitting you.

DH's parents thought that DH and his brother couldn't hear the horrific, screaming arguments they had because they'd gone to bed an hour before. They heard every single word and often cried themselves to sleep. They were 10 and 8.

He's pobably too fucking scared to say anything to disagree with your arsehole ex which promulgates the idea that he's a great Dad. I've no doubt that if someone carefully talks to your DS that he will disclose what he's heard. Probably because he's sick with worry about you, his Mum. But you seem to be more concerned about what might happen your ex than your DS's wellbeing.

Stop worrying about your arsehole ex and put your DS first. He's a violent fuckwit. He shouldn't be anywhere near your son! Wake up and put your DS first, before SS do it for you.

he said I had betrayed his trust, he was disappointed in me and threatened to take our son away.

He said this to keep you under control.

He is an abuser, he'll say things to hurt you. And he's the one who has betrayed your trust. You should be able to trust a partner not to abuse you, and he failed.

He is a bad father. There is nothing stopping him from turning round and beating up your son the way he beats you.

It’s not just this. It’s that he’s seeing it’s ok and normal to violently attack the mother of his kids if she ‘triggers’ him. It’s that he’s internalising the idea that dealing with anger and frustration safely and calmly is not the man’s responsibility in a relationship.

You have done the right thing OP and I can’t even imagine how much strength it took. Keep doing the right thing by getting yourself away from a situation where you are disrespected and unsafe, and your son is being exposed to inexcusably shitty behaviour.

You need to give evidence and you need to keep him away from your son until ss says otherwise. If you don't and happily give your son over it could go from high risk to danger resulting in your son being placed in foster care. I'm not saying that to be mean. I just want you to understand how serious things can get if you allow this man back into your life. Imagine your son being beaten like you were. It's likely to happen at some point if you don't safeguard him against it. Please forget about your ex and what he's feeling. He means nothing. Your child means everything.

Sweetheart, I understand how churned up you must be feeling, it’s so hard to see things in perspective when your head has been messed up by an abuser. You are being incredibly strong even though you probably don’t feel it. Please keep doing the right thing to keep you and your child safe, you WILL come through this x

Why do you feel guilty? The only place abusive arseholes like him belong is in a prison cell.

You’ve nothing to feel guilty for, stay strong and believe that you have absolutely done the right thing xx

He's getting in trouble because he's a thug OP! A nasty piece of work who thinks it's OK to headbutt and intimidate women. Don't feel guilty.