My ex partner will be getting arrested tomorrow, I feel sick

[firsttimemum90]

I’ve posted a couple of times about getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I ended things back in March and the following months have been hell. I’ve had massive denial, anxiety, the feel I’m dependent on him and violence.
In this breakup period there have been four episodes of violence. Usually around the house and living situation. He won’t leave. So he forces me out the house in anyway. He’s mainly only pushed, grabbed me. I reported him in April after he pushed me to the floor and was very abusive to me. I played it down to the police, he got a phone call that’s all. After that he went mad and I ended up apologising to him, he said I betrayed his trust and threatened to take our son away. I was heartbroken.
I’ve had 8 weeks of counselling and his word don’t be effect me as much as before but I have a long way to go.
Sunday night we were in the house together. An argument started, he pushed me and headbutted me. I called 999 as did he blaming me. Police came, questioned noth of us. I refused to give me a statement he got made to leave the property. I got classed as high risk on safeguarding. Next day my family’s and friends persuaded me to give a statement. That happened today. Inially they said it would be unlikely to go to court. Then I gave my statement, something didn’t let me hold back. My friend had taken pictures of previous bruising he has caused and this was all given to the police. It’s now gone from he’ll be cautioned an asked toccome to station, and I’ll be offered support. To he will be arrested tomorrow. I feel so so guilty and wish I never did it. Please any words of advice I feel horrible. He’s messaging me now saying he hates we are like this and wishes we could just get on. That won’t happen after tomorrow. All I wanted was to be amicable for our son.

One of the indicators of child abuse is not very surprisingly domestic abuse ( also drug and alcohol abuse and mental illness ). One of the things that the social worker will be doing when they meet with you is assessing your capacity to protect your DS. If you continue to prioritise the needs of your ex over your child it is not going to be viewed very positively. Your ex is a grown up - he has autonomy - he has chosen to be violent to the mother of his child. Your son has no autonomy - he can’t decide to move out because he doesn’t like the level of care he’s received or he’s tired of being frightened. So although I feel sorry for your troubles it is time to really step up and take care of your child.

Lovely, you don't trigger him, that's just one of the excuses he uses so that you'll blame yourself instead of him. Getting you to blame yourself is how he previously protected himself from facing the consequences of his actions. But that's wrong. It is entirely his fault and he has nobody to blame but himself.

Please look at doing the Freedom Programme. It will help you understand what he's done to you, why you feel so guilty and ashamed, and what a healthy relationship would have looked like. As well as how to spot the warning signs in men like this in the future.

Also, he's not a good dad. Good dads do not violently assault or otherwise abuse the mother of their child. Whether you see it yet or not, it will have had an impact.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - the support of the other women in the groups will probably help you cope with this situation too. It's not therapy, it's an information course, so you don't have to talk if you don't want to, but I really do believe attending it would help you enormously.

I was scared to attend it, but it made my life so much better. Please give it a shot.

Don’t feel bad, he is an arsehole who deserves prison. Please don’t let your poor children grow up with this idiot in their lives. You don’t deserve to be hit. Don’t believe his lies about taking the children. He won’t be allowed. Be strong, OP. Get rid of him.

This is what I don’t get. I felt a lot stronger this morning when I gave my statement. I was truthful. I was meant to be at work today and be plan was for his dad to have him after school. I told the officer this and he said that I can’t stop his dad doing that unless I feel he’s at immediate danger to my son. And through what I said the officer didn’t think so.
I was advised when I was to go home to my son to wait in the car locked and wait until he drove off then when in the home to lock all doors. Which I have.
Of course I want to protect my son. I know we can’t be under the same roof or he witnesses to much. By my son and his dad one on one do have a good bond and he is a good dad to him when I’m not around. It’s me he has the fixation with.

I called the Police on my husband after he hit me for the third time in two weeks. He had not been violent before then. The night after the third incident he became threatening again, I was scared so I called the Police and reported him. He was arrested and kept in jail over a weekend. He went to court when it opened the next week but the charges were dropped as they need two pieces of evidence and they only had my statement. It didn't matter though. He never did it again. I was told that had he been charged he would not have been allowed to return home until his case went to court. He would have had to stay away from me. I'm not sure if he could have seen our son or not.
He turned out to have had a mental breakdown, but that is not an excuse for violence. There is never an excuse.

You have done the right thing. He would have kept hurting you otherwise. This should stop him, and mean you're able to relax in your own home again as he won't be around. Always remember, you are NOT to blame

If he has no control over you he could turn on your son. He is not a good father. This isnt what makes a good father. He is still
Blaming you.

Seconding what @C0untDucku1a has said - if he hits you, or threatens you, then he is NOT a good father, sorry. Would you still say he had a fixation with you if he snapped and started hitting your son as well?

Social Services also will not view him as a good father as he is creating a high risk environment for your child.

HE IS NOT A GOOD DAD!! Because he beats up your DS's DM. You. And he is telling your DS how to behave in a relationship. Do you want your DS to punch/headbut his girlfriend when he doesn't get his own way? You might think your DS is too young to take this in but this is what he is learning.

And as soon as your DS starts to disagree with him he will probably get the same treatment. He isn't a good Dad. Full stop.

And quite frankly if you can't understand that after all of the posts trying to help you then I hope that Social Services step in to protect your boy. He needs someone in his corner and I don't think that you are.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stay strong and stay well clear of this so called man.

I could have written this post 3 years ago I stayed with my psychopathic ex for 10 years (from a very young age) and he ended up in court charged with GBH. I bottled it last minute in court as he manipulated me and made me feel sorry for him and that we could sort our lives for the better.

Fast forward not even 1 year, and he nearly killed me. He threw me down the stairs and left me unconscious .

Thankfully that was the push I needed to leave forever. That was 3 years ago and I cannot tell you how grateful I am to myself to have left but also sad that I didn't value myself enough to leave the first time.

Stay strong hun. Things won't get better regardless of what he says. One more time could be the last time

xx

A man who is 'triggered ' by words isn't safe around a defenceless child. will your ds need to watch what he says around his violent father?
This man has betrayed your trust and has made the home his son lives in a place of violence. He isn't a good dad.
You are not the cause of this man's abusive reactions he used abuse to control you.
He hurt you because he choose to!

He is teaching your son that the normal thing to do when angry is to beat your partner up.

You are now showing that this is unacceptable.

You did the right thing.

A good dad doesn't beat up the mother of his child. Ever. And yes, I've been there. A way down the line now and I know it wasn't my fault. There are no excuses for hitting someone. You don't hit him, do you? You don't hit your child, do you? Why is that? Because you know it's wrong.
You and your child deserve better than this.

OP, if you take him back, then it WILL be a safeguarding issue. SS will get involved with anyone who they consider is failing to protect a child from an abusive situation. That includes witnessing abuse and hearing abuse.

Your partner abusing you will cause your child damage. That is why you have SS assigned to you. Your partner is directly and absolutely abusing your child by making him witness what he does to his mother. Can you imagine how that tears up a child inside? He is an abusive father.

You are not betraying your partner. You are protecting yourself and you are protecting your child. Your partner has MASSIVELY betrayed you and his child. You are now being the strong one. Do not give up.

he said I had betrayed his trust, he was disappointed in me and threatened to take our son away - oh poor petal; he's so disappointed in you taking back control, standing up for yourself and your child, and he thinks after what he's done, he can 'take your child away'? He can't take your child. Never in a million years will he get more than supervised access - because he is a violent thug.

And as for you triggering' him - do you really think you 'make him' do these things to you? How does that work? Can he 'make you' hit and headbut Someone else? Hit your son? No? Didn't think so. He wants to, and so he does. Doesn't matter what you do or don't do. And he will, sure as eggs is eggs, do it to your child eventually, when he does something that ExP doesn't like.

I'm so glad you have reported and got this thug his comeuppance - otherwise he might be out on the street and picking on someone else, maybe even me. Or my (adult) kids. I hope he does get locked up with the same violent thugs as him.

Well done. we can all sleep better.

You can’t keep having him use you like a punch bag
He will go on until he kills you