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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Worn down

29 replies

IrianOfW · 10/07/2018 12:21

I think I need a break from my family.

I am just so tired.

I am in my 50s. I am a chronic depressive but with medication and running it's under control.

A few years back my middle child dropped out of her A level course due to anxiety and depression. She got herself better with meds, CBT etc and is now a different woman. Back at college, has a new GF that she seems very happy with. But it was a long and painful road, for all of us TBH.

2 years ago DH had an accident at work which has caused him a great deal of pain and meant he had to give up cycling which was his new hobby. Then he was basically bullied at work and a few months back started sick leave due to stress. He is getting brilliant support from his union rep but he is still hugely stressed and still can't bear the thought of going back. He also also has diverticulitis which causes a great deal of pain.

DS1 has had a chequered career at school and since. He has struggled at work and at college and has no self-confidence. He has recently accepted that he is depressed and from things he had said I suspect the idea of suicide has crossed his mind. He is starting a new job today - minimum wage, 0 hours contract but at least it's something. But last night he suffered a panic attack. I had to talk him down, do breathing exercises and visualisations with him for an hour or so until he could sleep. He knows his anxiety is groundless but he can't help it. Then I couldn't sleep and woke up at the crack of dawn scared he'd overslept. This morning he texted a while back saying he was doing OK so as usual nothing is as bad as he thinks it will be. The GP referred him to a therapy centre who have seen him precisely ONCE for an initial assessment three weeks ago.

DS2 who is on the spectrum is the least troubling member of my family atm. Apart from the animals and even the bloody bearded dragon is refusing crickets.....

What do I do? I don't know where to turn. I love my family and would do anything to help them but I am just so tired and I am worried I might start to let them down. The hot weather has been the last straw and I have started snapping at people which I hate to do.

Where do you go when the people you love are the problem?

OP posts:
Original poster
IrianOfW · 11/07/2018 12:09

No?

OK.

OP posts:
MellowMelly · 11/07/2018 12:13

Sorry OP! Sounds like you need a break regularly to ease your stress. Can you take one day a week to do something relaxing that you enjoy?

Original poster
IrianOfW · 11/07/2018 12:18

Thanks melly - I work full time but I must admit I have, in the past, taken a random day off when the kids were at school and just took the dog, my camera and walked all day. It does help a lot but I can't do it that often.

I do a long run every Saturday morning which I love, but in the afternoons I go to visit mum and dad (elderly and not in great health) so I have to rush over there as soon as I'm showered. They moved nearer me so I could support them more.

OP posts:
NotMaryWhitehouse · 11/07/2018 12:21

That sounds like a lot to deal with, no wonder you're fed up.

Do your family know that you are struggling too? I think it's very easy for your voice to get lost when you're trying to help everyone else around you.

Stillme1 · 11/07/2018 12:28

Didn't want to read and run. Not sure if I have any decent advice.
Firstly, you need to watch that you do not burn yourself out. You are taking everyone's troubles on board but they don't seem to be sharing your load.
Secondly, time away from the family. What about a day in a shopping centre and a trip to hairdresser. Alternatively a day out in the country or seaside with either a picnic lunch or meal out.
Even a few hours away from the house and the family could go a long way to giving you a break. Switch off phone or monitor calls.

Original poster
IrianOfW · 11/07/2018 12:30

I don't know NotMary.

I am guilty of 'doing everything' in my house but now down to a martyr complex, simply because I got fed up fighting to get anyone else to do it regularly. And simply not doing the washing up, cleaning etc didn't really bother anyone other than me! When you are really busy it's hard to find the time to make people do things.

I have tried to talk to DH but he has got so much on his plate atm I can't really expect too much. He has only just got to the point where he will go out of the house to somewhere new.

DD is better but she's 19 and beginning to plan her future - I don't want to bring her down again.

Both boys are very emotionally supportive I guess but useless at practical stuff.

My parents - can't expect them to do anything. Dad has Parkinsons, mum has a crumbling spine so I envisage more support being needed in the future.

It feels like I am plate-spinning all the time.

OP posts:
colditz · 11/07/2018 12:37

It's very hard when you are dropped into the role of carer. People have boxes in their mind, and carers never seem to move into the "cared for" box, no matter how much they need to be.

I've struggled lately with being emotionally responsive when I cannot seem to make anyone listen to the words that come of of my mouth or engage with the solutions that I carefully research and present to them. My mother is rude, my 15 year old is neurologically disabled, my 12 year old is asthmatic and scatty with his meds (thinks he's invincible), my partner lives 40 miles away (more and more by choice, I'm beginning to suspect, rather than circumstance), and my dad has smashed yet another relationship apart with his priapismic behaviour, and my children's father is a piece of shit who stole from me.

ANd, like you, I'm so worn down with it all. Nobody considers my feelings, my needs, my life plans.

The laundry is symptomatic of this. Stacks of clothes are found in the dirty washing that never got worn, never even got put away, and got kicked around the floor until I ordered the rooms to be tidied (fucking daily and they are still messy by 4pm, how? HOW?). Nobody thinks for a second that someone fucking works to get them clean and dry and folded up nicely.

And like you I have sat up for hours and hours at night comforting a teenager who says he cannot see the point of being alive when all he causes is upset, pushing away my own suicidal ideation because I haven't got time to self harm, when so many people need me.

I'm already letting everyone down and I would just love to have a magical clock, a Time Turner, something I could use to stop time, go on holiday alone, have it not all turn to ratshit in my absence (as if my absence is even an option), and come back refeshed and ready to don my battle hat again. I am so tired.

MellowMelly · 11/07/2018 12:55

@IrianOfW
Do you all live in the same house and how old are your children?

Original poster
IrianOfW · 11/07/2018 13:14

Hey Colditz, sympathies. I would love an off-button so everything would stop where it is while I got a chance to smell the flowers! xx

mellow - Yes we do. DS1 is 21 (he's the one with anxiety), DD is 19, and DS2 is 15.

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 11/07/2018 13:25

It might seem that by hiding how you're feeling from everybody that you're supporting and protecting them, but you're really really not. Expressing your frustration to them won't break them - they're made of china, they're just having a hard time, the same way you are. You should all be supporting each other and it might well be the case that having the opportunity to support you is a great boost and a help to them - supporting someone you love and admire can be a wonderful experience, even if it is hard. Cutting people off damages your relationship with them long term - as you're seeing - you're snapping at them because on some level you want them to see how much you're struggling but if you don't tell them, how will they know?

You deserve support. You deserve help. You are worth it. You have value beyond being a scaffold for everyone else's life.

Spaghettijumper · 11/07/2018 13:27

Sorry, that should say 'they're not made of china!'

Spaghettijumper · 11/07/2018 13:30

I would add that growing up I knew my mother had a lot of stress and was really exhausted but when I tried to talk to her or help her she shut me down, partially I think to protect me. But she would then make snide remarks about being forgotten or being overworked. From my point of view it was very frustrating - I wanted to connect with her and understand what she needed but she was so embattled that she couldn't put her defence down long enough to just be honest about how she was feeling. It made me feel rejected and it damaged our relationship long term. She still does the snide remark thing but I ignore it now - my view is that she can speak English and if she wants to tell me something she can tell me using words rather than sulking.

Original poster
IrianOfW · 11/07/2018 13:33

Ouch spaghetti! Sad

I don't think I do that often. The snapping is a rarity.

I think the problem is that I still think it is DH who should be helping me shoulder the household burden but that is a battle I gave up fighting years ago so it doesn't much occur to me to be cross with the kids when they don't. DH now does about 20% of what I think he should do.

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 11/07/2018 13:37

'DH now does about 20% of what I think he should do.'

That's ridiculous. No wonder you're worn out.

Spaghettijumper · 11/07/2018 13:38

I don't think it's a matter of battling and getting cross, it's a matter of stating what you need and expecting that to be delivered, and if it isn't then you take action. You do need to take control of the situation to a certain extent - I know you feel defeated but there are things you can do but are perhaps reluctant to.

IdblowJonSnow · 11/07/2018 14:18

You need to have stern words with all if them. You can't be doing all that and work full time! I agree it's stressful leaving things like washing up but don't be doing their washing and ironing if they're not pulling their weight. I don't see why your husband being bullied at work means he can't help out at home. CD you go away for a wkend break w some friends or alone?

Gilead · 11/07/2018 14:22

If you don't take time out for you, then there is no-one to hold it together. You have to tell them you need time off. Make lists and rotas, try to get them into a routine that allows you the time you need. Remind them they'll get nothing from an empty jug, it needs re-filling now and then and that involves them pulling their weight.
Flowers

MellowMelly · 11/07/2018 14:30

@IrianOfW
You do need to go into self preservation mode or you will burn yourself out like a previous poster said.
I think you need to all sit down and have a family chat. It doesn’t have to be formal but you do need to let them know how you’re feeling, and that’s exhausted, and they need to start helping around the house at least. I’m hoping they’d all want to help out a lot more if they knew that the anchor of their family, yourself, was feeling so worn down.

Original poster
IrianOfW · 11/07/2018 14:41

Thank you.

I know you are all right.

Right now it just looks like another chore but I know it needs to be doing

OP posts:
Gilead · 11/07/2018 15:01

It does look like another chore, but it may be the last in a while and the one that saves your sanity. Deep breath and go for it, hold firm!
Star

Spaghettijumper · 11/07/2018 15:19

Do you think part of the reluctance in tackling the issue is around the fear that your DH simply won't do his bit? It can be easier to just give up than to face the fact that the person who's supposed to care for you and support just won't do it.

Original poster
IrianOfW · 11/07/2018 15:22

Maybe.

He does a lot of things that show support and care for me. Just not this thing..well not enough. Since he has been home he has been better but I know if I was in his position the house would be spotless - but then I guess that is because I like living in a clean and tidy house, he genuinely does not care.

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 11/07/2018 15:29

It's not really a matter of caring about a clean house - he should care that the house not being clean bothers you and that he can help and support you by cleaning it - perhaps not to your standard but at least adequately. It's not acceptable to live in a family and just refuse to play your part in keeping that family running smoothly.

Sparkletastic · 11/07/2018 15:38

It will help his MH to be busy around the house. If he can't think / see what needs doing help him to make a list. And get the DCs involved too. Go out one night a week - cinema, friends, drive in car, swim - whatever helps you switch off. It takes some work and mechanically carving time out to get some space. Then after a while a new routine will become established.

Original poster
IrianOfW · 11/07/2018 15:48

Wow! Maybe they do listen a bit.... got text from DS1 'Dog walked, washing up done, garden watered'

Shock
OP posts:
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