Worn down

[IrianOfW]

I think I need a break from my family.

I am just so tired.

I am in my 50s. I am a chronic depressive but with medication and running it's under control.

A few years back my middle child dropped out of her A level course due to anxiety and depression. She got herself better with meds, CBT etc and is now a different woman. Back at college, has a new GF that she seems very happy with. But it was a long and painful road, for all of us TBH.

2 years ago DH had an accident at work which has caused him a great deal of pain and meant he had to give up cycling which was his new hobby. Then he was basically bullied at work and a few months back started sick leave due to stress. He is getting brilliant support from his union rep but he is still hugely stressed and still can't bear the thought of going back. He also also has diverticulitis which causes a great deal of pain.

DS1 has had a chequered career at school and since. He has struggled at work and at college and has no self-confidence. He has recently accepted that he is depressed and from things he had said I suspect the idea of suicide has crossed his mind. He is starting a new job today - minimum wage, 0 hours contract but at least it's something. But last night he suffered a panic attack. I had to talk him down, do breathing exercises and visualisations with him for an hour or so until he could sleep. He knows his anxiety is groundless but he can't help it. Then I couldn't sleep and woke up at the crack of dawn scared he'd overslept. This morning he texted a while back saying he was doing OK so as usual nothing is as bad as he thinks it will be. The GP referred him to a therapy centre who have seen him precisely ONCE for an initial assessment three weeks ago.

DS2 who is on the spectrum is the least troubling member of my family atm. Apart from the animals and even the bloody bearded dragon is refusing crickets.....

What do I do? I don't know where to turn. I love my family and would do anything to help them but I am just so tired and I am worried I might start to let them down. The hot weather has been the last straw and I have started snapping at people which I hate to do.

Where do you go when the people you love are the problem?

Irian, that's fabulous. Be gushing in your reply and let them know what a big difference that makes to your life. I've found that seems to engender further endeavours!
Really pleased for you, little things can make such a big difference.

Miracles happen!

Do you parents have any other help than from yourself? If not - would they be open to the idea. That would take some of the burden off you. Sometimes people who have got used to the idea that we will do everything NEED to see that, actually, we can't, and we are struggling.

Don't fall into the martyr trap, which is perilously easily if you are a "do-er" and just want stuff done and dealt with, and other people (like your DH) are content to sit and watch "stuff" pile up around them.

If you're struggling, say so - not in a complaining or self-pitying way, but calmly and factually. Say you need some help and ask the others in the household what they are prepared to do (give them the choice rather than trying to dictate who should do what).

Is DS1 on any meds for his depression/anxiety? The kind of anxiety that leads to panic attacks can be exhausting, draining and debilitating. Sounds like his GP hasn't really progressed matters, so is it worth re-visiting that?

Sometimes all this can just pile up and feel overwhelming. It can help to break it down into smaller individual problems and see what can be dealt with now, what can be dealt with sometime in future, what can be delegated etc etc rather than feel so drowned in "stuff" that you simply cannot see a way forward.

They aren't really open to it. Mum in particular. I have tried to encourage her to find a cleaner but there are always a lot of little reasons why she can't. It isn't as if they ask me to do much but they like me to visit which is a chore in itself much as I love them. Going to see them tonight - mum cooks for DS2 and me and lovely as that is I'd rather stay at home. Does that make sense to anyone else?