First time poster in need of advice, different perspectives, apologies if it rambles I may never get the courage up to post again. And for those that take the trouble to read and comment thank you.
Im in my early 50s and married to a wonderful woman the same age, we have been together since our late teens and have 2 grown up children that have flown the nest.
In the first year of our marriage I had an affair with a work collegue, with counselling and the amazing forgiveness shown me by my wife we got over it and moved on.
Fast forward through 30 years of mostly happy marriage, we have argued at times over the small stuff but the serious stuff we have always pulled together and got through it.
However since the start Ive been rubbish at managing money and the worse I got at it the more I kept it from my wife till it got to the stage where my default position EVEN when she knew there was a problem was to lie about it.
Before the flameguns come out, I fully accept that this was not in any way shape or form acceptable behaviour, I have thought long about why I took this position, mostly pride not wanting to admit I was like a monkey with a machine gun when it came to sorting out money or indeed asking for help from those more money savey than myself. But also a sincere desire that my idiocy should not effect my wife day to day, I truely did not want to burden her, she has had enough else in her life to deal with outside of our marriage.
A few months ago this came to a head when my wife discovered I had borrowed from our joint overdraft acc to cover a shortfall else where, a couple of days later the personnel loan I had taken out was also discovered and that coupled with the debt to a friend pushed her over the edge and she left.
2 weeks later she returned after I came clean about every penny owed. none of the debt was due to anything other than bad (tragically bad) money management, paying for supplies on credit card then not clearing those costs when the job was paid, continuing to pay off minimum amounts, forgetting to cancel subscriptions etc.
She now has full access to all accounts, has all past statements and I get monthly help FOC from a friend to ensure it doesnt happen again, that as well as us both getting stuck in has ment over two thirds of the debt has been cleared leaving a small amount on a loan and a debt to a friend who is in no hurry to get it back. Its well in hand and fingers crossed will be cleared in the next 8 to 12 months.
Soo if only that were it, however during one of the many rows since she asked me again If I had ever been unfaithful over and above the time she knew about, If I didnt come clean she would leave me this time for good.
So I admitted to another 2 affairs, in my early 20s, yes this was after I had promised I would never do it again, yes I know that it was completely unacceptable and in no way can it be rationalised or excussed.
I wont trivialise them by making excusses as to the length both were one night affairs however I did meet with one of the women on more than the occassion that lead to the adultary.
Should she have known at the time? yes, have I denied it every day for the last 30 years? yes.
I disgusted myself at the time and looking back as a 50 something with the benefit of 30 years more life experiance I dont even recognise the 20 something that I was. I cant give any reasonable or rational explanation, it was the actions of an immature idiot and I have regretted every day for 20 odd years.
I fully expect now the "Once an adulterer always an adulterer" and similar comments, but Ive nothing to gain by lying on a forum, I did make a choice 20 odd years ago that I would never be unfaithful again and I have stuck to that. I didnt tell her and as the years have gone on and our marriage has gone from strength to strength and we have supported each other through thick and thin, my affairs have receeded in my memory I have had less and less reason to ever come clean.
My wife and I have worked hard to provide for our children and each other, and had a solid marriage, but now she has the full facts that solid marriage has been built partly on a lie.
I have no other secrets, money is now totally transparent, and I have been faithful for the last 25 odd years.
Of course I should never have been unfaithful I accept that, of course I should not have lied about money regardless of good intentions.
But the bottom line now is my wife wishes a divorce and does not wish to continue with couples counselling which we have been getting.
This is all coupled with the fact that we are been downright horrible to each other, I know is my fault and I should just man the up and take any amount of righteous retribution but its difficult, for me it was 25 years aho for my wife it was 8 weeks :(
So can I save my marriage? I love her more than I can say, I would do anything to change the past but I cannot, and I cannot see anyway to prove to her that lies over money will not happen again and that I deeply regret my affiars of years ago and have been a faithful loving husband since. (I know I should have been for the whole 30 years not just the last 25)
So again thank you for taking the time, all comments welcomed regardless of your opinion of me all I want to do is to try to make it right.