I’ve finally accepted its over...

[WellIveFailed]

I’m lying beside my beautiful Dd who has crept into my bed. And I can’t contain my tears. They are running down my face like a water tap. I’ve tried and I have tried but last night was the final time I can let her dad humiliate me.

Our marriage is fine. No sex really to speak of, or intimatcy, but we are usually good as a team. We have always had money problems and I think that plays a huge part in how stressed we both are.

When there is conflict he refuses to talk to me. He sits and fixes his jaw and his stare and no matter how much I try to lead the conversation to make him see how I feel or ask him to explain how he feels, he just sits their like I don’t exist.

He has never raised his hand. In a lot of ways I do deserve it because I won’t just put up and shut up. If I never complained everything would be ok.

I’m 7months pregnant. We have a ridiculous amount of debt. I feel totally trapped. I don’t want to break up my daughters life. But I cannot stand him anymore.

I have lost all respect for him, as he has for me. It is broken and cannot be fixed. I’m not sure why I’m posting but I’m so lost.

In a lot of ways I do deserve it because I won’t just put up and shut up.

You don't deserve it. Not one bit.

Didn't want to read and run. People with helpful advice will be here soon.

Two things stand out at me, your marriage is not fine and no-one deserves to be hit because they want to be able to communicate with their life partner, him sitting and refusing to talk is controlling and most definitely NOT and OK way to behave. Is the debt in both names? Have you been to someone like Step Change to find a way out of the debt? Don't shoulder all the blame yourself and don't listen to him if he tries to tell you it is all your fault.

But I really do. I get so frustrated and cause arguments and then he does this. If I didn’t ‘pull him up’ on things, everything would sail along ok.

Yesterday it was over the car needing work done and I wanted him to speak to a mechanic for me and he wanted me to do it. Ultimately I did do it, but it just highlighted his unwillingness to help me with anything. I just think I should have just done it and not asked for help.

And last night I threw things. A bottle and a frame. Not at him but I smashed things I was so frustrated after an hour and a half of trying to get him to acknowledge the conversation and join in.

Why didn’t I just go to bed? If I’d walked away we would be frosty for a few days and then go back to the status quo.

He doesn’t hit me.

I know I don’t really mean it, and please forgive me for saying it, but I wonder if I could understand it all more if he did?

Bloody hell, you are a broken woman. He really has ground you down to a shell of your former self, hasn't he?

What you are saying is that you should walk on eggshells instead to prevent this from happening.

That's not healthy.

He needs to communicate but refuses to. That's what has killed the relationship. You are simply frustrated with trying to make the relationship work.

He is a controlling arse and you really need to get away from him. Otherwise your daughter will grow up thinking this is the norm in a relationship.

He would say differently. He would say that I expect too much. He works really long hours. Sometimes 16hours from getting up until getting home. (Even as I write that I’m questioning myself is that definitely accurate because if not the conversation would be about how it can actually be 17hours - and so that becomes the conversation instead of what I want to talk about.)

So I said I would do all the housework so as he can get to bed at a good time so he gets as much rest as possible.

So that worked for a few weeks but now last night he was sitting up on his computer past the time he said he needed to go to bed. So he was using the time I freed so he could get enough sleep up to do his own thing. We are both run ragged, but whereas I do things ‘for the family’ he thinks he does things ‘for me’.

The reason the sleep is important is because he is very grumpy and unpleasant when he comes in from work when he is really tired.

I genuinely don’t know who’s fault it is. But I’ve been to counselling and I’ve tried so hard and I don’t have anything more to give to him and it’s still not enough to make me worthy of being listened to if I’m not happy with how something in the marriage is going.

The only thing I have is to try to be happy and positive and not complain but I keep failing because somewhere deep in my history is a fiesty woman who would be disgusted at who I’ve become.

But he also needs some down time that isn't sleep. That's a very long work day for him, do you work too? Why are you in so much debt?

He had a period of unemployment before we got together when he used credit cards to fund himself. Then a head in the sand attitude for years and I didn’t take enough control of knowing what was going on.

It is now being managed, but it will take years to resolve.

In terms of down time, I don’t disagree. But he takes the dog out for a long walk every evening. I offered to do that too so he could spend 30minutes on his computer and he was really angry and weird about that too. He wouldn’t engage about if that would be enough time to do what he want to do.

If that would make him be nice I could walk the dog too. It just feels like every time i ‘give’ something, he quickly takes it for granted and then takes more on top of it.

At the moment I work 0800-1730 too.

shitwithsugaron I really relate to your message - but he would be furious that your message could be relatable to our situation.

OP, your marriage is a nightmare, but you have identified one of the key stressors, so if you want to stay in, be proactive about the debt. Get all your facts together and go and speak to one of the debt management charities -

National Debt Line

Stepchange

payplan

If you look here you can see the CAB advice for choosing a debt management company. Choose a free one - like the ones above. There are many people out there wanting to take you money to sort this out, but the free ones are just as good.

Once you have sorted the debt repayments, then you will have space to breath. It seems to me that your DH is working all hours and you want him to deal with the other shit too - like mechanics. While you dont have to put up and shut up, Im trying to look at things from his point of view. You say you do the housework so he can go to bed on time.....thats a bit controlling? Hes not a child, and he deserves some downtime too. No wonder he is grumpy, working 16 hour shifts and coming home to a wife who just wont let him be...maybe cut the poor guy some slack and YOU do something to help with your combined debts.

TheVastMajority you are saying almost word for word how he would view it.
And you are right. There are no devils or angels here.
He’s not a child, but he behaves like one so often it’s hard to relate to him in any other way. I’ve lost all respect for him.

shitwithsugaron

Yes it is trust. I often catch him trying to manipulate the conversation to avoid telling the truth.

Also, he refused to go through a debt plan. I asked and asked for years.

I can relate to your frustration and unhappiness, as my ex H was like this, he would never respond to any questions or any attempts to talk about issues.
it would go along the lines of "What's wrong?" "Nothing" then silence and looking away "Look we really need to talk about this" ...No response, and a tight lipped silence, which would cause me anger and frustration and to behave badly and in a way that was at odds with my general character .
There was no sex either, and he was terribly bad with money and ignored the problem.

You will do yourself a huge favour by just walking away from him, for your own sanity realise this isn't going to improve, I can promise you from the moment you split it will be like lifting a huge burden and you will feel so much lighter, emotionally

Then stop asking. Tell him. Debt plan with me, or do it your own way without me.

I suspect he is still racking up debts, which is why he doesnt want to do a debt plan. He will have to get rid of his credit cards, so I suspect he has some additional cards that he is still using, robbing Peter to pay Paul.

A debt plan will allow him to not have to work 16 hours a day. It will freeze all the interest and get the creditors off his back. It will take into account the amount you need to live on and how much you can realistically afford to pay back. You might even be able to write off some of the debt.

If he wont do this, then you have to decide if its worth salvaging this relationship. If you have lost all respect for him, then maybe its time to leave. Tricky with a baby on the way, but better that than this life - you hardly see him, he is miserable and grumpy, you are walking on eggshells, so whats in it for you? and whats in it for your kids? They'll never see their dad.

I honestly don’t know what is more scary.

• Walking away and starting over with no qualifications a beautiful daughter and a soon to be newborn.

• Staying in this relationship where nothing is too terribly wrong, we have some level of security and my daughter has her friends and everything she knows all around her. I know it will wear me away to nothing. But can I really do this to her or our baby?

I have to guess how he feels because he won’t tell me.

I’m confused TheVastMajority, in your first post you say I’m controlling and in the second you say, ‘don’t ask, tell.’

The thing is it is over. It has to be.

What I did last night was an unacceptable act of violence. If a man had done that, regardless of the circumstances we’d be telling the wife to leave.

Well I did it. I threw glass that smashed. It wasn’t aimed at him but it was an act of violence.

I smashed my head against the coffee table (wooden) repeatedly while he watched.

I screamed into pillows and cried uncontrollably while he watched.

I cried myself to sleep. Not that sobbing time of cry, ugly violent tears.

I can’t stay with someone when I become violent during our interactions. I am so ashamed of myself. And I do feel like he pushed me to it - but I did those things, no one but me.

Have you thought about what would happen if you separated - I mean, actually looked at how you would make this happen, devised a plan? It might help you to feel more in control of the situation if you could see this as a realistic option that was open to you - even if you decided to try to rebuild your relationship instead. Knowing that you could leave him if you wanted to would give you confidence.

You got pregnant again when your massively in debt.Your partner was stupid to get in debt but your violent reactions are worrying.Are you a violent person with other people?If so then the problem is at least partly you and are unlikely to be solved by walking away .
If your partner smashed things up he would crucified -double standards are definitely at play here.