I’ve finally accepted its over...

[WellIveFailed]

I’m lying beside my beautiful Dd who has crept into my bed. And I can’t contain my tears. They are running down my face like a water tap. I’ve tried and I have tried but last night was the final time I can let her dad humiliate me.

Our marriage is fine. No sex really to speak of, or intimatcy, but we are usually good as a team. We have always had money problems and I think that plays a huge part in how stressed we both are.

When there is conflict he refuses to talk to me. He sits and fixes his jaw and his stare and no matter how much I try to lead the conversation to make him see how I feel or ask him to explain how he feels, he just sits their like I don’t exist.

He has never raised his hand. In a lot of ways I do deserve it because I won’t just put up and shut up. If I never complained everything would be ok.

I’m 7months pregnant. We have a ridiculous amount of debt. I feel totally trapped. I don’t want to break up my daughters life. But I cannot stand him anymore.

I have lost all respect for him, as he has for me. It is broken and cannot be fixed. I’m not sure why I’m posting but I’m so lost.

Fernando81 I agree with you. As I said in my last post:

“What I did last night was an unacceptable act of violence. If a man had done that, regardless of the circumstances we’d be telling the wife to leave.”

Sorry I missed your question. No I am not a violent person with anyone else. I work with children and I’m as far from a violent stereotype as you could imagine.

This was out of my character. However I do always feel that frustration bubbling when he does that ignoring thing. Last night I snapped and I am ashamed.

I cannot talk to him and I cannot cope with being ignored by him. It is over and I’m lost and I don’t know what to do but it is over. I will not become that person.

I think your pregnancy hormones are acting, too.
and maybe he feels like whatever he says wont help you so acting childish like that. he is very tired with work as well.
it is really difficult time for both of you.
you both need some strength from somewhere. i wish you didnt have any debt. maybe things were a lot different.

would be a lot different.

I have wondered about hormones. But regardless of how I reacted this time, it has highlighted that he will not stop behaving like this.

I want to be in a loving relationship with him but that is something that is not on offer. He will work hard to provide financially. But he will not have a relationship with me. He won’t discuss anything that even hints at criticising him. He will dismiss anything critical I mention about myself to try and address the issues we have.

I am invisible. When I leave he won’t care. If I stay he won’t care. I don’t exist.

as I read on mn it looks like most men dont like arguments, cant manage/handle them, try to avoid them as much as possible.
women are different, they want to go to the roots of problems.

He's driving you to this OP, not for one minute am I condoning violence but I do understand your frustration at being constantly stonewalled and ignored. You've recognised your actions last night were wrong and that things can't go on as they are but I don't think you're seeing his part in this clearly enough.

A relationship is supposed to be about working together, being a team and give and take, he's not doing any of those things. Not only that but he's actively choosing to be unsupportive and uncooperative when you try to tackle problems, he's letting you down hugely and it's no wonder you're at breaking point.

His working hours are a red herring imo, I have no doubt he's tired but it doesn't excuse the way he treats you, my DH works ridiculous hours and still manages to be supportive and involved in family life and decisions. There's also the fact that he won't help himself by tackling the debt properly which may well mean he could afford to work less, he'd rather use his tiredness as a stick to beat you with and that speaks volumes about him.

I agree with a PP (sorry on phone so can't check back for names) that starting to look at the practicalities of leaving and making a plan would be a good idea. Giving yourself options will give you strength and stop you feeling so paralysed by the situation. You don't have to view it as a definite decision but it will help to know there is a way out.

I’m so angry and hurt and broken. I don’t know how I will get through this. He doesn’t want to abandon me but he doesn’t want to fix things.
He’s pushing me to leave him so he can say he had no choice.

Time to stop focusing on him and what he says/wants/intends, what about you? You can't carry on as you are and the option you really want isn't on offer, he's made it quite clear he won't change so now you need to decide what you need to do so you're not living in misery.

It's hard I know but you need to give yourself a break from the emotional wrangling of trying to work him out and focus on what you can do to help yourself practically. Would you consider talking this through with someone like Women's Aid? I'm 100% sure they would consider this relationship abusive and having someone objective to help you work out where you go from here could be really helpful.

You can't carry on as you are and the option you really want isn't on offer

This is so true.

Pay off as much debt as you can that is in your name only as you will still have to pay it when you seperate.

I am worried about money, but I have no intention of taking anything less than my fair share of the debt.
However I will then work out a debt management plan.

However I will then work out a debt management plan.

That's one of the (many I suspect) positives of leaving him, you will be able to actually sort stuff out instead of endlessly going round in circles because he won't engage. It will put you back in control of your own life and enable you to move forward instead of being stuck. You can't fix him but you can fix your life

See that’s what I thought.... all debts would be split 50/50 but no. If it’s in your name you pay it. Get some advice before you do anything and good luck.