Age difference of nine years proving insurmountable

[GreyGauntlet]

I recently met a man who is nine years my junior I am 44 and he is 35. I did not give it much thought at the outset but he has mentioned it several times, in the context of "people are looking at us because we look so incongruous together". Would you be shocked or surprised or disapproving of this age gap?

I'm 48 and my partner is 66 - it used to really bother him as he was convinced people were looking at us - but not now. It was funny though 3 years ago when we went to Spain as my then 14 yr old daughter (from previous relationship) was with us and we all had different surnames. Check in asked so many questions they must have thought we were trying to kidnap her LOL

I doubt anyone can really tell there is an age gap unless one of you looks much younger/older tbh. Maybe it does bother him a bit?

Me and dh have a 15 year age gap ( dh is older) and at first it did bother me a bit as I hadn’t dated anyone older before but it doesn’t anymore we’ve been together years with 3 dc.

I wouldn’t judge any age gap, who consenting adults date is up to them

Sounds like he is self conscious rather than anything else. I dare say I wouldn't notice an age gap like that on sight as am useless at aging people. To be honest I don't think anything when I do suss an age gap. One of my family has same gap in their relationship and no one thinks anything of it and they don't looks vastly different in age.

Really I wouldn't think anything of it. It's only nine years. The problem seems to be that he does...

Meh! I’ve dated men that much younger.
It’s nobody else’s business. So long as you don’t look twenty years older than you actually are, I doubt people really notice.
Enjoy life, enjoy your youth 😜

Do you want to stay with someone so insecure and self conscious? He can't be much fun if he's not relaxed with you. It's not the age difference, it's him!

He's looking for an ego stroke or he's a twat.

he has mentioned it several times, in the context of "people are looking at us because we look so incongruous together"

This sounds like negging to me. Does he ever straightforwardly compliment your appearance?
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negging

You could just say "hmmm yes I suppose you do look fairly old for your age"

You don't have an age gap problem, you have a dp problem.

Differences like age or ethnicity or education etc in a relationship shouldn't matter but only if neither of you care. It sounds like he might and that is a problem.

If your both not comfortable especially with something like age which neither of you can do anything about then how can it work one of you will be self conscious because the other can't hide their feelings forever so both end up unhappy.

My dp is 14 1/2 years older than me. It's never been a problem to me or to him, in fact Iv found him more attractive now as we have both aged although I feel that's likely due to love. he is nearly 50 and I'm early 30's now. I was 18 when we got together.

I am 50 (female). DP (male) is 41.

No issues at all. We’re both mature adults. His girlfriend before me was 24 and had never had children which I found difficult to get my head round but that proved to be all in my head.

I wouldn’t think anything of it if you were happy and well suited to each other. There’s nearly 7 years between my dh and I. We met when he was 21 and I was turning 28. At that age, that’s would be a pretty big age gap for most, but it’s worked for us. We got married 3 years later and our first dc was born when he was 26. It’s never been a problem, though for a long time he got ID’d buying alcohol and I didn’t (depressing after awhile), and someone once thought he was my little brother!

The age gap is no biggie. But the fact that he keeps mentioning it certainly is. "Incongruous", really? Unless he follows that up with "as everyone can see I'm punching above my weight", then you need to bin him.

The age gap is fine.

His negative attitude isn't.

My ex partner was 8 years younger than me - I never gave it a thought!

There shouldn't be a problem as 9 years at your ages isn't that much but obviously he has a problem with it since he's mentioned it several times. Since you've just met, I wouldn't waste anymore of your time on him.

My OH is 16 years younger than me, when we first got together I was paranoid folk were looking at us. Now it doesn't bother me and I actually forget the age gap. Until I ask if he remembers a song from the 80s...

It's not a noticeable age gap. I don't understand why he's making an issue of it.

Perhaps he's decided he wants children or something (assuming he has none).

Whatever it is, he needs to explain.

He keeps mentioning it because he’s bothered by it but not mature enough to admit it. Other people aren’t the problem, his negativity is.

The age gap is fine. His negative attitude isn't

The age gap is fine. His negative attitude isn't
^ I agree totally with this.

We've the same age Gap; we met at 20 and 29 and it's not been an issue at all. As other posters have already mentioned, I'd be much more concerned about his attitude.

No it doesn't matter at all unless it matters to one of you. Unfortunately it does sound as though it matters to him. Sorry.
I do know a lady with a much younger, very handsome husband. They are blissfully in love but she does introduce him as "This is my husband X" so I guess mistakes must have been made

I wouldn't notice or make a comment about anyone else but if it were me I would not be happy with him commenting on it like that. I think he is telling you what he really thinks himself. I'd be off on that alone.

I’m 45 and white and my OH of 10 years is 33 and Asian, so imagine the looks we have had over the years.hahaha
We don’t get them as much anymore as I haven’t aged but he has.lol
It’s not about age, it’s about the person and how you get on together and the love and respect you have for each other.