Should I be worried

[Overlyworried]

So DP goes to a works colleagues leaving meal/party a couple of Saturdays ago (were both early forties). Plan is for me to collect her at the end of the evening so she can drink, it's about a 15min drive from where we live. Following discussions before she leaves, I'm under the impression that the party will be finishing at 11pm, and ask her to text me near the time to confirm. She leaves at 7pm, I get a couple of texts at 9pm saying she's having fun. then nothing until 11:45pm.

I texed at 10:30pm asking if she wanted to leave at 11pm. At 11pm I text to say ok i'm on my way, I know this type of thing will overrun, so not too worried as yet. I arrive around 11:15pm and text to say waiting outside. and get no reply. I'm not sure which house in the road the party is at, she just told me the road name. 11:30pm still no reply, So by this time I'm a little annoyed she's not texted or called to let me know when I'm supposed to pick her up, and I text to say i'm heading back home, please let me know when you want collecting. I can see she's not read the text's i've sent but has received them.

I go home and shower, she's texted while i'm in shower. saying Sorry. then a text a couple of mins later saying she'll get a taxi.

I had promised to pick her up and had every intention to still do so, and her text messages were so short and abrupt, most unlike her that started me worrying. So now i'm under the impression that she will be calling a taxi company and getting picked up asap. I text to say don't get a taxi, i'll be there in 15mins, jump in car drive back to the street and text to say i'm there. No text back. So by now i'm hoping she's not already got a taxi, and I can't just sit and keep texting, so I call her - no answer, and try again, before she answers the second time by now it's 12:15am. She answers, as though she's done nothing wrong, I tell her i'm waiting outside, she says she's not ready to leave yet. I say i thought you were going to get a taxi and i did not want us to waste money getting one. She says she'll be out soon, i wait about 10mins and she appears walking down road towards me.

I'm so cross with her actions, I say to her I don't want to talk (she was drunk so I knew it would be pointless)

a few days later I try to explain how i felt, that she had not bothered to let me know when to pick her up, and that she did not even call or text me for almost 3 hours. She does not understand why i'm so upset and just says sorry.

It's not the first time it's happened, (Christmas work party at a hotel and another occasion, all in the past 7 months) I think every time she's actually been out on her own she's not bothered to stay in touch or call me to confirm pickup time, which is why I feel that once she's drunk she forgets about me. She said previously it's rude to call me when she goes out with her work colleagues so i have to text. And the reason she said she could not reply to my texts was because her phone was in her handbag under the table and it would be rude to use the phone while at table with everyone, apparently no one else there would dream of looking at their phones during this time. I also found out meal finished at 11pm, but they went away from table so she still had no access to the phone then either. So i was feeling a little unloved, well that's how I was feeling until today when I see that she's be-friended a younger single guy on facebook who was at this meal/party 2 weeks ago, who lives in the same town she works in and the party was in. My head is spinning, was she just seeing this guy after the party, was she at the party?

We've been together seriously for almost a year, i'd known her for a couple of years before that, and she's never friended any other males on facebook in that time, she has other male friends on there but not since we met. This guy at party was son of person who was leaving the company, i can tell by his surname.

I asked who he was this morning via text and she replied you've nothing to worry about. when i said i was worried she just replied sorry.

What do I do ? things have not been great since that party, I texted her this morning to say i think it best if i stay in hotel tonight. I feel so hurt that she does not care how I feel and that she does not understand why i'd be upset. I wanted to talk to her last night, but when I got back home from playing football in the evening she'd drunk a bottle of wine and I new talking again would be useless. Why would she need to drink a bottle of wine in a few hours? again i don't understand.

I think you need to get things in perspective. You sound a bit controlling and paranoid. I hope your DP had fun on her night out.

Agree with pp, nights out don’t always finish on ‘time’ and if she’s having fun she should feel like she can stay. I would be annoyed if my oh just turned up without me texting, unlikely as he’s would just go to bed if not heard from me at estimated time, knowing that I was likely enjoying myself and that I’d sort a cab. I think you need to chill a bit

I hope so.
I just don't understand why she'd want to become friends on facebook with a single guy, who as far as I know she only met that evening.
It's totally out of character for her to do that.

I think you are reading too much into this OP. Your DP had a night out that over ran, she was out with work colleagues having a good time, you mis-communicated that's all.
The facebook thing I wouldn't even think about. My DH works for a big company and is always adding people on facebook, women and men that I don't know after he's been on training days or nights out. Doesn't mean anything.

I would have been so angry if you were my OH and you turned up outside my work do at the time you had decided I should leave. She was more than reasonable in saying she would get a taxi - so you weren't inconvenienced by having to put her up when she didn't know when that would be, and yet you drove to her again! You sound incredibly controlling. It's up to her how late she stays out and whether she can afford a taxi.

Re: Facebook. I would just ask her. Perhaps he added her and she felt rude not accepting. I always get really remote connections adding me and if I don't want to offend sometimes I accept them and just lock my profile down.

After a year of dating it's not meant to be this hard!

If I were her I'd feel a bit stifled OP. I don't want to have a dig at you, I know you're well-intentioned, but I think that when she has an occasional works night out it's best to leave her to it - she willl ring if she needs you. I'd say the same in reverse, too.

Is there some gut feeling in play here?
As for not paying attention to the phone, that does happen on nights out. But adding some random person after said night out would get me thinking. There is one thing though, it feels a bit like you are playing a martyr here, staying in a hotel? Maybe take that chat with her instead and figure things out. But you can't accuse her of wrongdoings no more then the next man without some proof. It can be innocent.

Wow. You need to back the hell off.

She doesn't think she did anything wrong, because she didn't. You did. Repeatedly.

You sound extremely controlling. This is not love.

she did not even call or text me for almost 3 hours

So? She's allowed to do things without you without being constantly in contact with you at your beck and call.

I also found out meal finished at 11pm, but they went away from table so she still had no access to the phone then either.

So? And how did you find this out? People focus on those they're socialising with. They don't go out to spend the whole time glued to their phone texting somebody else. That is rude.

I can see she's not read the text's i've sent but has received them.

So why did you drive there? To make a scene? Force her to leave at the time you wanted?

If it had been me, I would have left it. She's a grown woman. It's 15 mins from her home. She's perfectly capable of getting a taxi if she's decided she wants to stay out.

I think every time she's actually been out on her own she's not bothered to stay in touch

Yes. Because she was out with other people enjoying their company.

She said previously it's rude to call me when she goes out with her work colleagues so i have to text.

Correct. It is rude to sit there texting you too. As I said in the beginning, you need to back the hell off with trying to control her like this. I have a hard time believing you don't know this.

apparently no one else there would dream of looking at their phones during this time

Correct again.

So i was feeling a little unloved

What you're describing is feeling out of control. Love has nothing to do with anything you've described.

I see that she's be-friended a younger single guy on facebook who was at this meal/party 2 weeks ago

Oh no, she's growing her social circle and staying in contact with people she met at a recent social occasion. If you loved her, you would see this as a good thing.

i'd known her for a couple of years before that, and she's never friended any other males on facebook in that time

So you stalked her for two years before she made the mistake of getting into a relationship with you? That is sick.

things have not been great since that party

I'm not surprised. Your behaviour has been abusive.

I feel so hurt that she does not care how I feel and that she does not understand why i'd be upset.

No, you're annoyed that she hasn't bowed to your attempts to control her. Nobody normal would understand why you'd be upset, because your behaviour is not normal and nor are your expectations of her. This is not how normal people conduct healthy relationships.

I texted her this morning to say i think it best if i stay in hotel tonight

Was that a threat to try and get her to comply with your demands? Or genuine? Because if it's genuine it's the first and only sensible thing you've said. I would suggest you make it permanent. Leave her to heal from your abusive behaviour and go and sort yourself out.

What you have described doing to her is coercive control. It is abuse. And it is a crime.

Set her free and go and sort yourself out. And not as a way of "winning" her back - permanently. If you loved her you wouldn't be abusing her, and on realising you were you would immediately leave and never re enter her life.

Alternatively, if you don't love her, carry on and wait to be arrested for coercive control. It's a crime because it's despicable. I hope she is strong enough to leave you if you won't do the decent thing of removing yourself from her life.

you sound very controlling. why are you monitoring who she becomes friends with on FB? maybe they got on well, maybe she thought it would be rude to decline.

she is a grown woman who doesnt need her DP (of a year) turning up to escort her home at 11pm. she can get a taxi. if she has done this before then you should tell her to make her own way home next time.

ive been in relationships for 5+ years and would never dream of doing what you done. my DP can get a taxi whenever he wants and i wont be checking his FB friends the next day.

CLOUDCHAOS

We'd agreed that I'd pick her up at 11pm. That's why I still drove there to collect her. And she'd not messaged to say any differently. She'd asked me several times if I would pick her up so she could drink.

You are trying to monitor and micro manage a grown woman...

Read your own OP and see how ridiculously controlling and jealous you sound.

And read what @Gruffalina72 has written.

I wouldn't be surprised if she leaves you and wouldn't blame her.

She should run for the hills before it gets too serious!!!!

Gruffalina72 - She'd said it would finish at 11pm and that's when i was to pick her up, she gave no indication that she did not want me to do this. I said i'd pick her up, that was the agreed time, I presumed it would overrun a little that's what i waited for her. and went back to get her.

Sort your jealous and controlling self out before you go near her again. You're creepy.

*Overly
*
Even if there was originally a miscommunication she was clear in her message - she would get a taxi.

That's reasonable and fine.

What isn't reasonable or fine is ignoring her and deciding you don't want her to get a taxi and driving to her again!

You sound like a massive controlling prick

well she clearly changed her mind because she was having a good time, wouldnt that be your first thought?

you still drove over there even when she told you she was calling a taxi, thats weird.

Also go work on your insecurities, which you clearly have a lot of! @Overlyworried

If I turned up to pick my husband up every time he said he'd be leaving a party at a certain time of spend an awful lot of time sitting about. She was out having fun and you got mad at her for leaving when she wanted to, and refused to talk to her.

You're scary. Has she actually given you a reason to be this paranoid? Because you're giving her a really good reason to leave you.

I've not checked her facebook page for many months, she's only a small number of friends on that site. I was not looking for any evidence of wrong doing.

She'd posted a photo yesterday afternoon, and some of her friends had liked it (she does not post very often, maybe once a month) and there was someone she'd never mentioned liking the pic. Then I could see she'd become friends with him recently no idea when, it just says became friends recently.

Yes I can see how the timings of texts etc in the OP looks a little crazy, but i was just taking the info from my phone. I could perhaps have put the info into a more rounded explanation.

You really are a fucking creepy bastard

You sound very insecure and controlling. I'd ditch you if I was her.

Not sure why it would occur to you to check who's liking her Facebook posts either. Odd.

Every word that @Gruffalina72 has said ^ ^

Just step back and think about it for a minute - your behaviour is unacceptable

As a PP has said - maybe you should read back your OP. Checking her facbook, arriving even after she said she'd get a taxi, annoyed she didn't call or text when she was on a night out...
You are giving the impression you are a controlling partner. Maybe you should have a think about how you have acted and try to see it from her pov.