Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fallen in love but I'm married

59 replies

Mrsnoriss · 09/07/2018 09:33

Ok, here goes. Feel like I'm probably going to get a lot of abuse for this and I am prepared for it. Not necessarily looking for advice, just need to get it off my chest as I can't talk to anybody about this IRL.

So basically, I have fallen in love with my friend. We've been friends with this couple for years, go on hols together etc. For the past 2 years or so friend and I have been getting very close. We've had the odd hug and talk a lot, came close to kissing, but we haven't as we both feel really bad. This is a completely shit situation to be in and I feel like the worst person on the planet. Like I'm living a lie. Can't see how this can go on for much longer. That's all, thanks for listening. Would be nice to hear from someone who is or has been in similar situation.

OP posts:
eightfacesofthemoon · 09/07/2018 09:38

How do you feel about your marriage? People tend not to fall in love with others if they’re happy.
I think that’s what you really need to concentrate on. I would cut contact with your friend and try and work out how you feel about the rest of your life.
Do not have an affair. It will not end well for anyone, including you and your friend

BastardGoDarkly · 09/07/2018 09:40

Love? Are you sure? How does he feel? (assuming it's a man) do you still love your husband?

kidsneedfathers · 09/07/2018 10:30

It is a classical scenario for French...if it is just lust and sex then they take it lightly indulge in it and forget about it (bagatelles they call it). If it is deep love (soul sister/full compatibility with the other) then they just break their marriages ("their chains") and devote their life to their new found love (example:the Macrons). I don't advise any approach. I don't like any of them. I prefer the honest Anglo Saxon approach: honesty-time off to reflect...so can you try to speak nicely to your husband about it and ask for some time off where you don't start any new relationship or whatever until you are sure of yoursrlf-and during which you just reflect on it all and yet to understand what ground you to this situation..if course the best is that you speak honestly to your husband and go together to some counselling to help you see clearly what is going on...good luck dear ..

TattyCat · 09/07/2018 10:32

Assuming you are female, TELL your husband what's going on. You'd be surprised at what a dose of reality can do.

Annalogy · 09/07/2018 10:42

Are you sure that you really love this man? Or is it maybe a 'grass is always greener' scenario?

WasFatNowThin · 09/07/2018 11:00

I'm thinking you're more likely to be in lust rather than love. Step back and take a look at your marriage, do you still love your partner?

callywags · 09/07/2018 11:07

You need to either finish your marriage or tell your spouse and see if they want to continue with you.

BastardGoDarkly · 09/07/2018 13:35

What the actual fuck are you on about kids ? Brew

Original poster
Mrsnoriss · 09/07/2018 13:44

Thank you for your comments. Yes I'm female and he's male and yes I do think it's love rather than lust as I wasn't attracted to him when we first met. I am now though, not denying that. I do think my husband and I have grown apart and it sometimes feel like we are just co parenting. (Kids involved on both sides, another reason why we can't just split) The other man's feelings are mutual as we have spoken about this, so we are fully aware what we're feeling is wrong and we can't hurt our spouses and kids, but it does make us both sad. The only thing we have to hang onto is the 'promise' that we can be together if we are ever both free. It sounds pretty sad, but I just wanted to mention it so you know we are talking love, not lust. Perhaps I married the wrong man, perhaps there is more than one person out there for us, I don't know. Just feeling confused and depressed about the whole thing.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 09/07/2018 13:50

OK. So he doesn't want to leave his wife.

Do you want to leave your husband regard less of this fact? Or are you going to go no contact with "friend" and work in your marriage?

Because, honestly, anything else is massively unfair on your husband.

You're having an emotional affair, either shit or get off the pot.

kitchenrollinrollinrollin · 09/07/2018 13:54

You're having an emotional affair. No wonder you've become distant from your husband.

This is a recipe for pain on all sides, hence your self pity. I think what you've done is quite deceptive and an abuse of your partners' trust in you both.

I would cut contact. There are children involved. Don't pretend you could possibly be giving your marriage a healthy chance with this going on.

Myheartbelongsto · 09/07/2018 13:57

You sound pathetic.

Almost kissed? Jesus Christ with friends like you who needs enemies.

Tell his wife how you feel about him and that'll keep you away from him. She'll make sure of it.

In real life I'd call you a cunt but can't here as the pearl clutches will go bananas.

I wonder would they be so understanding if it was their husband you were sniffing around.

Elementtree · 09/07/2018 13:58

Did you not think to knock the friendship on its head when you realised you felt like this?

What an easily preventable life-disrupting carry on.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 09/07/2018 14:01

You say you go on holiday together - is this with or without your respective spouses?

Mookatron · 09/07/2018 14:02

OK what you need to do is get the idea out of your head that you are romantic star-crossed lovers. It is not a darkly dramatic wind-swept relationship, it is a rather seedy secret you are keeping from your DH who doesn't deserve it.

I'm not actually unsympathetic - life is boring - but you have created a fantasy here that DOESN'T EXIST. No doubt the OM scratches his arse and never wipes the kitchen surfaces just like your DH.

chequeplease · 09/07/2018 14:06

As painful as it will feel you need to cut contact completely and focus on your husband if you want your marriage to survive.
It will feel better in time.

Hoppinggreen · 09/07/2018 14:06

What mook said, you are enjoying the drama and the tragedy of it all
Cut all ties with this friend who yiu are actually having an affair with even without the sex and focus on your marriage. If it turns out you aren’t in love with your husband when this other man isn’t around anyway then take steps to leave

MediocrePenguin · 09/07/2018 14:09

God what's the matter with people?! They have fallen In love - it happens and is hardly the crime of the century. Especially considering they've not acted on it yet.

OP - it's not fair to continue as you are, biding your time till you can be together and letting everyone else carry on oblivious. You are putting their lives on hold too which I'm sure you know.

You have two choices - cut contact or jump ship (if you think this guy is worth it). Good luck with whatever you decide.

mademybed123 · 09/07/2018 14:13

WOW, life is so black and white for people on here.... oh to be so uncomplex

I have a friend who told me about her situation like this. Very similar set up, and in the end they had to spend time apart and break contact because otherwise it got too hard.
You might need to make a choice at some point. This isn't just a light flirtation, a bagatelle, but love... and you will rip yourself apart if you let it carry on or get to a position where your partner's find out in the worse possible way.

Not an easy situation to be in, good luck.

HeGotManFlu · 09/07/2018 14:20

You can fall in love with anyone, what is happening to you is not fair on your dh or your friends wife. If you both no longer feel happy in your marriages then leave, be honest with everyone and let the spouses get on with rebuilding their lives. Don't stay in an unhappy marriages, dont continue to make a fool of your dh or your friends wife, they deserve better.

Robin233 · 09/07/2018 14:52

I've said it before and I'll say it again ...... if he really loved you he'd leave his wife and be you.
But he doesn't and he won't.
And if his wife found out he'd be begging forgiveness.
It romantic nonsense.
What would you pin your future hopes on a man that can't make a relationship work (with his wife)
Has he tried talking to her ?
Really talking to her?
Has he tried to fix whatever problem they have to make their relationship good again.
Because it was once.
Here is a man who takes the easy way out ( flirting with you )
Rather than rolling up his sleeves and putting in the hard work sometimes needed in marriage.
Is that what you love about him????
I know il being harsh but love story this is not - sorry.

kidsneedfathers · 09/07/2018 15:13

bastard i just wanted to show how much social constructs influence our conscience and approaches to love dilemma. If this was a French site then I would expect most women around to get starry eyes (OP is in love and is loved back) and go a bit green of jealousy (we are all a bit bored in our marriages but we don't all get to find our big love to break the marriage chain...) that is the French philosophy...I remember I was in a beautiful park in France on DD. My OH disclosed to me the betrayal the day before...I was shattered...I sat on this bench and these two elegant French ladies sat next to me. We spoke. I shared with them my story and pain (i got 4 kids). And do you know what was their first concern (no not the kids): it was whether he would allow me to have an affair as well...(he would...in fact he would be extatic if i have one - he would go to great lengths to take care of the kids drive me to my dates whatever if this will give me some peace and level the field...he got this European attitude...sex is bagatelle i am his big love etc) voila bagatelles...Now that is not my philosophy. I like honesty. So OP if you already had heart conversations with the man you love, and both of you are sure that you are made one for the other then can you propose him you the following:each of you speak to your partner ASAP with a lot of respect and honesty...your legit partner deserve your honesty...your kids as well...he has the same duties toward his wife and kids. ..common nobless oblige...the kids will not forgive you if they grow feeling that because of them you sacrificed the love of your life...

kidsneedfathers · 09/07/2018 15:14

I was in the park a day after DD..just for logic purposes

Annalogy · 09/07/2018 16:21

I am obviously not supporting the emotional affair, but I do feel for you OP.

I don't see why you should be miserable. If you've fallen out of love with your husband then maybe you should do both of you a favour and be honest. He deserves love as much as you do.

You'll just have to be 100% certain that it's the right choice, as they'll be no going back afterwards and as you're aware, it'd be breaking up a family.

You said 'if you're both "free"', you're not in prison and you deserve happiness as much as anyone does. Just don't lie, it'll come back to haunt you if you do.

...and on a side note, your situation is a pretty rough way to start a new relationship. Would you both be able to fully trust each other? Knowing that you'd both fallen in love with someone else whilst married? Would you be wondering if he'd do the same if you two got together? Just something to think about.

Zebra31 · 09/07/2018 16:41

He won’t leave his wife. Regardless of weather you love him or not. You need to leave your husband so he can find someone that loves him. Using your husband as some kind of stand in whilst you wait around is selfish. Stop using your DC as an excuse for staying. If you don’t love your husband because you love someone else you need to leave. Be on your own until your fantasy can be realised.

Swipe left for the next trending thread