If you had a time machine...

[bigdreamer]

Looking for advice!

Used to be a wedding coordinator and have seen many weddings take place - now it is time to plan my own.

We live together and we are both very close with our immediate families however we both do not want extended family at the day due to issues that have occurred on both sides. At the moment we are under extreme amounts of pressure to invite the troublemaking extended family and hope they behave.

I used to give my brides the advice of - it is your day, do whatever makes you happy! The bride would then release the emotions of the amount of pressure she is under to make everyone happy.

I am now that bride.

I am ready to elope and go abroad and have no one there. On the other hand - do I hope for the best and throw a wedding at a venue and hope everyone can behave? Or do we simply get married in a registry office? Obviously, money is also a very persuading factor in just doing something small!

My question to you: if you had a time machine would you change anything about your wedding day?

Do you wish you were more stern about your wedding or are you happy you took the "advice" from close family members about how a wedding should be?

Yep. I wouldn’t bother. I’d go on a bloody good holiday instead (sorry, bitter cheated on wife). Do what makes you happy, pacify the rest (family/ friends etc.) as much as you want to, don’t take it too seriously, and don’t get into debt for it.

Enjoy your day, have fun, look amazing x

Wedding 1 -

I wish I'd put my foot down and had the bridesmaids I wanted. My mum was dead set against the two of them (aged 9 & 6) and I gave in.

That elderly distant relative we wanted to invite but who lived miles away and couldn't come to the wedding - MIL said not to send her an invitation as she & FIL didn't want the hassle of having to go and collect her, have her to stay with them over the weekend of the wedding and then take her home again. I thought it was really bad manners to leave her out, but they knew best.
Well.. bless her, the poor old dear was terribly upset that she didn't get an invitation. She told us afterwards that she knew she wouldn't have been able to come to the wedding anyway, but would have liked to receive an invite all the same.
MIL and FIL neglected to tell her that it was their idea not to invite her.

Wedding 2 - should have chosen a different hairdresser. The rest of it was great.

NC for this one.

If you have two cousins who are the same age as each other and one is your mum's sister's daughter and the other is your dad's brother's daughter...

It is extremely bad form (and deeply insulting) to choose one of them to be a bridesmaid and ignore forget the other one - just because you don't see her as often because she lives further away.

I spent a year planning our wedding and threw ridiculous amounts of money at it and I hated it. It was totally ruined by my drunk maid of honour, a hysterical guest and just loads of other bs.

Genuinely would go back, have a quiet (family only) service and a nice meal out somewhere with them all and then have a night out at a later date for anyone who wanted to celebrate.

Don't let ANYONE pressure you into anything. It is your day! No one else's and if you don't do it how you want, you will regret it.

I had the full castle, big white dress, 4 bridesmaids, long lost relatives, people flying in from miles away, lilys flown in from Brazil for the bouquet, hats for women job, and I didn’t really enjoy my own wedding. It wasn’t me at all, but my group of friends all got married at the same time and I just thought that because that’s what they all did, that was what weddings were - a process to go through. If I was doing it again I’d make it much smaller - even with 70-80 guests there’s no way to have a proper meaningful conversation with anyone.

If I did it again I’d sit down with my fiancé and think about the people we really loved - the people who we really wanted to spend time with, and who would take real pleasure in seeing us get married - not the people you ‘should’ invite, or who were there as much to see their mates/relatives for a good knees up. I’d probably also go much less formal - a pretty village hall and a nice informal but luxurious buffet rather than a 5 course meal that goes on forever. And I’d like it to be fun - people who all get along, and you know you can relax with them. Cite budgetary pressures, keep it low key, and have a romantic intimate ceremony. Also - don’t blow your budget on cake or flowers. Nobody apart from you will remember them. Blow the budget on a really good band or music. People don’t remember the ‘things’. They remember whether they had a good time.

We had our wedding on a shoe string budget 33 years ago. We were poor as the church mice in the church at that time. It's the people and your DH, I honestly wouldn't change a thing about my wedding, lots of people still say what a great bash it was. There wasn't anything missing though, it was a large church affair.

We had been together 7 years before we married, so I knew who I was marrying. That helps, not rushing into it.

Also, I wouldn’t spend half as much time, energy, or money as I did faffing about with vintage cars, inaccessible venues, cake testing, favours, centre pieces, and all that nonsense. Keep them simple - some you might not even need at all (you know more about this than me!) and focus on the things you love. I had a big fruitcake wedding cake (I don’t even like fruitcake and didn’t have any of my massive, stupidly expensive cake). Put it this way - if you were having a special birthday party who would you invite? Do that, but have a wedding ceremony too.

I would not change a thing. We had just under 60 guests, did not invite the troublemakers on my fathers side or my mothers side! Were they offended? Probably, but we rarely have to socialise, and we held strong that it was a small wedding.

I'd have taken a few days off before the wedding day.

This is hugely outing but we emigrated shortly after our wedding and due to time constraints and not being able to leave my job until the last minute, I only had two full days to prepare for the wedding and the move - and DF was away with work so I do mean "I", not "we". I neglected myself and got sick, and I lost my voice! I still had an amazing day, but it was so disappointing to not be able to speak properly with all the family and friends I'd been so excited to see (and there was the small matter of saying the vows... ).

If I had a time machine I'd take some quiet time out just for me before the wedding and make sure I leave my phone at home. I'd take a deep breath and give myself time to get excited about what it all meant, rather than rushing through my to-do list.

I would either elope, have a small garden wedding or registry office and then used the money for travel and house deposit (and an awesome photographer).

I had the big wedding with extended family and friends of family, some of who I didn't even know. I was bullied into it. I have wedding photos with people I had never met before, friends who I no longer see, and sooo many 'plus ones'. I would not have spent money on flowers, table decorations, jewellery/accessories etc. I would not have had matching bridesmaids dresses, I would have given them a colour and let them pick something flattering and comfortable.

I wouldn't have let my husband's daughter ruin our day. And I would have put my own needs and wants to the fore. I faded into the background when I should have felt like the most elated person alive. :-(

I really wouldn't have bothered. Buut i'd have had hair extensions for a long down do. Wouldn't have spent money on a naff band. Gone abroad. Got a better photographer.

We had 15 guests and dud registry office and a meal but really wanted to do it abroad.. we were emotionally blackmailed by my mother - never again as she ruined my day anyway.

Glad we didn't do the big wedding thing, neither of us wanted that.

I wouldn’t change anything except my mum was terminally ill and was upset that her appearance ruined the photos. I was just glad she made it but I am sad when I look at the photos. She died 6 weeks later

I would have eloped - just me and dh. Instead I got pressured into being polite and inviting family I don't really care about, my mil was shouty because she didn't cope well under pressure (and we had our shoestring wedding reception in her garden). I wish I'd had a honeymoon unstead of being skint and going back to work asap.
You should take your own advice and do what you really want to do.

I'm happy with how my wedding was as we didn't have any drama at the time. If I had to do it all over again now though (we do have loads of extended family drama), I absolutely would only invite the people I wanted there. It's your day, do what you want.

Spend the minimum amount of money.

Mine worked because we did really invite just those people we wanted to spen£ the day with. It was fun and we let extended family now that it was goin* to be small.

It meant it was relaxed, no one was peacekeeper....

I’d start with the list of people you want there!

I would have ditched the horrendously tight control pants earlier and eaten more! Apparently the food was phenomenal but I barely ate.
We had a small wedding at our favourite time of year in my home village, with people we love whom we knew would genuinely enjoy seeing us marry, a delicious meal (apparently!) and then danced the night away. It was wonderful. I wasn't overly focussed on my wedding as I was so excited about the marriage itself and just being married to H but it was just lovely. I made most of the decorations myself which I really enjoyed and am glad I did because it made it very personal and saved a fortune! It wasn't a very expensive affair, although my one extravagance was having my dress made for me. It was actually cheaper than many off the rack dresses I see but in comparison to the rest of the wedding costs it was expensive. Worth it though as I felt gorgeous and it was very unusual.
My family are great and no one tried to over step or get overly involved without my asking.
It certainly wasn't everyone's cup of tea in terms of a wedding, but it was perfect for us.
So yes, sod the pants and eat more!

No. I had a small, inexpensive wedding (20 guests) and it was a nice, low key day. Very little planning involved, other than booking register office and hotel for the meal we had afterwards.

Oh gosh actually you know I would have chosen a different photographer. Ours was crap. On a recommendation from a friend but the photos from ours were nowhere near as good and I was quite disappointed. It wasn't a huge deal but the older I get the more I wish they were a bit better. But hey ho, at least we've got some!

Very small inexpensive wedding with close family and a few friends. Good photographer.

The rest is a waste of time and money.

Could write a whole book about it! First, I could say "different groom" - but then, I wouldn't have my beautiful daughter, great son-in-law & beautiful granddaughter.
They had 2 choices - big wedding/small honeymoon, or vice versa. They opted for the latter.
On the day, there were only 7 of us - everything they chose was just perfect. Absolutely magical day!
Honeymooned in Galapagos Islands - which would not have been possible had they had a big wedding.

If I did it again, mine would be small none of this onviting every one just the people I want there with a meal afterwards.

The dp would like a big doo ..... comprimising will be needed.

OP as you have told many a bride to be .... It is your day, do what makes you happy.

Is the OP coming back?