Am i wrong?

[Lookonthebrightside87]

Me and my parntner have 3 kids between ages 2 and 9, and have been together 11 and a half years. We are in a good place 85% of the time even though i have established he is 75% emotionally unavailable.
Anyway...tonight we ate donghnuts after tea and we did a don't lick your lips challenge. Everyone had finished and my partner had the doughnut powder and cream around his mouth, he started to mess about to try and kiss me on my lips with all that crap on and i resisted, but he carried on and i had to wrestle my way out and up the stairs with him chasing me, my legs gave in at the top of the stairs and he weighed himself down on me and after me giving a good fight to keep him off, i just gave up and he slathered his lips all over me in a soppy kiss kind of way. I immediatley ran off into the bedroom and started to cry. He then came in a few minutes later and i said to him he took it too far, and that it felt as though a stranger was trying to pin me down and i couldn't breath, and i got upset. His reply was oh fucks sake it was a joke and now you've made it not a joke like you always do and he stormed off. Then a few moments later he turned it around on me and said he can't believe what i have acused him of? A stranger he said and shook his head and is really mad at me.
So i get it was a joke but in my opinion it went too far. Why did i start to cry and felt really emotional when i had got up?
he can't see my side and i don't understand his. He does this everytime and tries to turn it around on me.
We are now not speaking to eachother and its awkward as hell.
What are peoples opinions please? Mucho appreciated

It's easy for horseplay to go too far. That's why there are always tears at children's parties.

Is this common behaviour in your relationship or unusual?

I can see both sides of it so I guess once you are both calmer you need to have an adult conversation about appropriate boundaries and hopefully make up.

YABU. Your HUSBAND was playing about. You SHOULD have played right back - why didn't you do that?! Instead you put your foot down, he didn't know you weren't playing back and you've taken offence to it.

What was the problem with him doing this anyway? And if it was SUCH a problem for you, you should have actually told him? I'm not surprised he took offence to your comments, I would too!

I can see both sides of this

On first reading i was veering towards you overreacting. However, I've thought about it a bit more and have changed my mind. For me, the key is that you say " it felt as though a stranger was trying to pin me down and i couldn't breath". First, if that is how you felt then that is how you felt. It is not for him or us to tell you that you didn't or shouldn't have felt like that. I aldo suspect strongly that there came a point where your sense of panic snd powerlessness would have been undeniably evident to him. He should have bavked off at that point but instead he chose to indulge himself.

I can see both sides. It happened with us once, we were messing around in bed and he pinned me down and totally overpowered me (it wasn't anything sexual) he was messing and I had been laughing but all of a sudden this really weird feeling came over me and I started to cry, totally out with my control. He was a bit annoyed but didn't make any sweeping statements about me never taking a joke. I apologised because I knew he was messing and I had been laughing, he had no way of knowing I was no longer finding it funny.

We didn't fall out about it but I think because I saw his point of view and said sorry, he didn't understand why I'd cried but to be fair neither did I.

I'd be more upset at him saying you can never take a joke - it's a big thing of mine to say if something has annoyed you, point out the actual thing rather than saying "you always do x" or "you're always y" because that's saying about your personality.

I'd probably say to him that it was a silly thing to fall out over and let's not let the weekend end on a downer because of it.

Mandapanda i did tell him to stop several times. I am claustrophobic and the way he was leaning against me was hurting and making me panic. I was playing along until he had me pinned down and i couldnt move. The only way i could explain to him the way it made me feel was by saying it felt as though a stranger was on me. Maybe i could have phrased it better but the point was there.
We do fool around sometimes where he tickles me to death but this was different and if we ever have a moment where we have a dis agreement he always turns it around to make me the bad one...always and never ever apologises.

Yeah sounds very similar...he is in a mood with me now so he is very unapproachable. I just don't think i should be the one to instigate an appology first. Its always me and this time i just dont want to. Maybe i am being stubborn and feel embarrassed too.

Hmm maybe that didn't come across too clearly then for me -sorry OP! Just have a chat with him and say it made you feel a bit claustrophobic, started to panic and it all came out a bit wrong but to listen to you when you say no?

It sounds like normal banter gone a bit wrong!

I can see both sides too. Sounds like a bit of fun. But if this was every day, I'd be drained to fuckery.

I wouldn't apologise, but I'd instigate a let's be friends again conversation. I can see why he'd be upset if he felt like you were alluded to him being like a stranger attacking you, which I think we'd all associate with sexual assault. You haven't done anything wrong at all but is it worth falling out on a Sunday evening.

Maybe the conversation about him never apologising needs to happen separately at a different time.

I spoke first and said what is it that i have said to offend you enough to be like this with me? I also said that i could have phrased it a different way but that he had made me feel claustrophobic and that i cried for some reason.
It took a while but he evetually said sorry but with his back to me whilst playing his pc game.
I know he is crap with anything where emotional-ness is needed but thats what emotionally unavailable men do. Thats a separate thread haha.
He has a also brought up the 'what have you text your friend about it'? I said i haven't and he said like you always do.
I have done once and the backlash i got for it will make me never do that again. He also said do what you want, you do anyway!
What the?? Where has that come from? I never ever do what i want because if i did i would have some guts and text my best mate about it! Also this is the only time in our 11 year relationship where i have reacted this way, and i told him this. All our conversation has happened with his back to me whilst i am sat on the sofa and him on his pc playing a game!!!
I am shaking writing this as if he found out he wouldn't be happy, then i would be in the doghouse again. Ffs.

Can you see why he may be upset, OP? Can you do what you say he cannot?

Yes i can which is why i can notice it missing and not normal. And i do see his side which is why i went upto him and said i am sorry if i offended you by the way i described how i felt. I then went to sit on the sofa. He never turned around to me so what am i supposed to think? Should i just be happy that he said sorry with his back to me? And that he brought up irrelevant shit? Just to make me feel worse?

Plus i should be able to talk to my best mate about anything without it hurting my partner. I wouldn't care if he did infact i wish he would.

It was a game that went wrong. It does seem like you overreacted big time. If you had cried and said I just panicked he would have understood that.
Making out almost like he was a stranger attacking you it's just offensive. I would have been very upset with you.
When a game it's not a game for either participant always ends up in tears.
I don't even know why you wouldn't apologise. You both were wrong but he didn't want to cause a panic attack.
He didn't mean to upset you and for that you need to say you are sorry.
Adults playing acting like kids. Grow up and apologise.

It would also really upset me if my DH was sharing with his best mate our life in full. Some things ok but not everything. You sound very immature.

If this has happened before and he’s not understood your boundaries then I’d suggest you establish a safe word that means, literally, “stop now.”

I guess I can see this from both sides but it does now sound like he’s being childish with the sulking etc.

Wtf Colbu the op has nothing to apologise for!

That was not an apology from him.

I'm with TooTrueToBeGood. Your brain perceived danger and reacted accordingly. You weren't in control of that. I do not believe he wouldn't have been able to see you were frightened. I just don't believe it. Human threat responses are too obvious not to be perceptible.

It's concerning that he always blames things on you, twisting them to make out you're the one at fault so you have to apologise. That's red flag territory.

As is the fact you're so afraid to break his rule of not talking about stuff like this by posting here that you are shaking. That is not normal to be banned from talking to people about your life, and to be so afraid of his reaction you change your behaviour.

Are there other things where you change you behaviour to avoid setting him off?

It's flat out wrong that you're not allowed to talk to your best friend about whatever you want to.

It's also wrong that he's thrown out supposed wrongdoings at you now, but I'm not surprised - it's because you stood up to him and refused to apologise. He's trying to bring you back in line as the one who kowtows to him.

What do you actually mean by "emotionally unavailable"?

You can't help how you feel, but equally he can't guess how you feel either. The "no" can still be part of the silly game and doesn't mean he's trampling over your wishes.

It was crossed wires and I would imagine it's how both of you are behaving afterwards that is pissing the other off the most, rather than the incident itself.

It can be a delicate balance wanting your feelings to be listened to but not wanting people to end up walking on eggshells around you.

Colbu24 if you had read the thread i did say sorry for making him feel that way and that i don't know why i cried. I told him i said stop lots of times and he carried on. So yes i may have over reacted but his actions and no sympathy for me is totally unacceptable in my eyes. And do you not think i deserve him to at least be turned around to me when we are speaking about it?

I am by far an egg shell person. I am straight talking person so things usually get sorted quickly. I can't be doing with egg shell people. He has said things that are totally out of what has actually happened. And reguarding telling best mates about our relationship, and i don't mean everything.

Gruffalina72 thank you that is spot on.

By me saying Emotionally unavailable i mean that he isn't at all open about his feelings and never has been about my feelings either. He isn't a very supportive person and he isnt the most affectionate person either. These are a coupleof traits of an emotionally unavailable man.
He knows i think he is emotionally unavailable as we have sat down and talked about it.
I first noticed it when my mum tried to commit suicide on the eve ofbour daughters birthday(i don't think she knew that when trying to commit suicide)
His reaction when i burst out crying and told him was sorry you are crying but your mum is dead to us! And she is band from seeing the kids and coming to this house.
Then whenever i tried to mention my mum he would just ignore me. I got so angry about his ignorance i couldnt believe it. He point blank refuses to even understand depression at all.
Its been over 1 year and he still wont have her name mentioned really. I have somewhat accepted his decision but not about my mum seeing our kids. She is not allowed in our home at all so i take them to her.
But i must stress he is commited into our relationship we have been together for 11.5 years. Although he doesn't really care for marriage. He is also a good father to our kids.

Gruffalina72 the only things i would say i do to change my behaviour is never text my best mate and ask for her opinion on relationship things. And the other is never talk about my mum. Also i cannot tell him when his actions make me feel a certain way such as being on his pc playing a game every night while i sit watching tv and if i make a conversation, he has very little to say. I have gotten used to this but it upsets me every now and then bevause it makes me feel 'not worth it'. He says i am being silly but why do i keep feeling like that. I have mo body to talk to so thats why i am on here.
He is not violent at all. He just isn't an empathetic or sympathetic person.

Also my frustration isnt really with him not being emotional. As i have learned to accept thats the way he is. He is good on other ways. But this disagreement is about me doing all the leg work and not getting much back.

I have had something similar, DH has never done anything aggressive/forceful, but play wrestling when we were younger he pinned me down by the arms for a couple of seconds, absolute panic consumed me and I burst into tears. Never had a reaction like it before, it was very odd.
DH was very apologetic and upset even though I knew he meant no harm.
Can you try to explain that it's not so much an accusation, just that it went too far and you didn't like it?