Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will I stay like this?

28 replies

moonandmountains · 08/07/2018 15:03

Three days ago the love of my life abruptly ended our long term relationship, he left with all his stuff and I've not heard from him since. There was no big fight, no warning and no communication. He's just simply walked out on me and our two dogs and left all three of us in shock.

I haven't contacted him at all because I feel it will only hurt me further. I haven't eaten in three days and I can't go into our bedroom so not getting much sleep either. I find myself walking the dogs aimlessly for hours past midnight. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that won't go away and I am spending hours worrying about how my dogs will cope (they adored their dad to no end) and I feel so heartbroken for them whilst they sit by the window waiting for him.

I'm worried I will stay stuck in this weird unsettled feeling where I'm hyper aware of the silence in the house, and all the little reminders of ex DP. Our routine has gone now and I don't know how to find a new one. My dogs are looking after me and I am doing my best to make things normal for them but everything just seems so surreal and odd without the person who was the centre of our world around.

Will I move out of this weird funk? Does the loud silence eventually become normal? Will my dogs be ok? Will I ever want to eat again? Sad

I feel like I'm coping ok, I'm not crying or desperately begging him to come back, but my whole being feels so off and so sad.

Please tell me that me and my boys will find a way to be happy again Sad

OP posts:
WasFatNowThin · 08/07/2018 15:40

Your dogs will get used to it before you.

I know you don't want to eat, but you must make yourself, especially if you're walking so much.

stoicismlight · 08/07/2018 15:46

Ah Flowers moon.

You’re in shock. It may take a while, but you will move on.

No matter how much you do t want to, you must eat something. Even if it’s just porridge. Not eating will not help.

Do you feel like talking and if so, do you have anyone in RL to talk to?

stoicismlight · 08/07/2018 15:47

It’s the most horrible feeling. X

I will bump for you later if no one else has come along to contribute.

yaffingale · 08/07/2018 15:56

Sorry to read this OP.

It's shit, but all of you will be ok. The dogs will / probably quickly get used to the idea of their dad not being around. They will turn their attention to you now.

As for you, you must eat. I know it's difficult not knowing why he left, not knowing if you did something wrong etc. Don't worry about that, he is a twat for up and leaving like he did. Try not to waste your energy on it worrying.

When it happened to me I took the opportunity to have a couple of days to sort myself out, tidied the house, got rid of all his shit, just basically remove him from my life as quickly as he removed me from his. I felt so much better afterwards.

Thanks
GreenEyedBlonde · 08/07/2018 16:03

I'm so sorry OP xx

donajimena · 08/07/2018 16:06

If funds allow I would suggest a little retail therapy. New duvet cover, rugs cushions pictures. Whatever it takes to make your bedroom yours as opposed to your shared room.
On an emotional level you will feel sad for quite a while but yes, you will get better. Its cruel the way he left but no way would have been easy.

FolkGirlAtHeart · 08/07/2018 16:14

I second a bedroom makeover. It will help you make it your own space.

Flowers
letsdolunch321 · 08/07/2018 16:16

Day at a time sweetheart 💐

Original poster
moonandmountains · 08/07/2018 16:17

Thank you for the replies, it means a lot. I had a late miscarriage 6 weeks ago (at 15 weeks) and have been a little down since, I think he got annoyed with me moping around the house but still, our relationship was lovely and I'd never have expected him to leave me in the way that he did.

The eating thing, the thought of eating anything makes me feel so ill, and seems impossible to force anything down but I am going to try a shake or some soup later.

I am also having a good clean up and removing little bits of his that are lying around so that is keeping me busy.

Is the no contact thing the way to go? I'm desperate for some closure but my intuition tells me it won't help anyway. I want to ask him if he's ever going to see the dogs but I fear if he wanted that he would have said, plus long term I doubt it would be sustainable so maybe this is better Sad

OP posts:
MarieG10 · 08/07/2018 16:23

I suspect part of it is that you don't know why he left? I would suspect because you got pregnant and is breathing a sigh of relief. Sorry if direct but it happened to a friend

GreenEyedBlonde · 08/07/2018 16:31

Did he sit you down and actually say anything at all?

Original poster
moonandmountains · 08/07/2018 16:34

@MarieG10 He was the one who wanted a baby, it was timed and planned and he was very much excited about it. I was very ill with sickness though for 12 weeks and I guess that took some of the fun out of our rship. We were due to go away in the next few months and had lots of future plans, so it feels really strange that I now need to plan a whole new future alone. Just last month we were having a baby and saving to buy our house Confused

The bedroom makeover is something to put on my list, I can't sleep downstairs forever I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
moonandmountains · 08/07/2018 16:43

@GreenEyedBlonde ...No, there was no discussion other than a text to say he was picking his stuff up after work. I saw the text after he had already been and gone.

And he hasn't been in touch with me since. I haven't attempted to contact him because I'm just so bewildered by it all.

OP posts:
GreenEyedBlonde · 08/07/2018 16:45

Wanker ✊🏻💦

Original poster
moonandmountains · 08/07/2018 17:05

@GreenEyedBlonde
Exactly, it's nothing that I would ever expect him to do. He knows I am the least confrontational person ever, if he had sat me down and ended it, I would have accepted it and quietly let him go. I'm not one to make a scene and we've never argued in our 5 years so to end it so nastily when he knows how rough the past few months have been on me is beyond cruel in my mind.
I guess I'll never have the answers, I have to just accept it for what it is and move forward day by day Sad

OP posts:
Sidneythecam · 08/07/2018 17:07

I'm sorry

I have no advice. I'm currently in bed wailing my eyes out at the loss of my partner

I hope we will be okay

Original poster
moonandmountains · 08/07/2018 17:14

@Sidneythecam ...I'm so sorry you're going through this too, if you need a sympathetic ear feel free to message me.

I'm going to try and take the dogs out earlier tonight, I think it's a bit sad to think of myself lost and wandering around in the early hours. I think it's because I am not used to sleeping alone and always felt so safe and secure going to bed with XDP so I'm avoiding that lonliness. Got to face it sometime though.

OP posts:
yaffingale · 08/07/2018 17:43

Don't go out late at night. Would you consider letting the dogs sleep on the bed with you? Or are they elephants like mine that like to get in and make themselves ultra comfy. With that and two cats fighting over the space.

Sorry, trailed off a bit. In my opinion definitely no contact, you don't owe a message or phone call. If he wants to make contact he will, and if he doesn't then he really is not worth losing sleep over. 5 years is a long time but it's not a lifetime.

X

mogratpineapple · 08/07/2018 17:51

On first guess, he doesn't know how to cope. Maybe this has been the first serious thing he's had to deal with and can't manage it, can't face up to it, so ran away. Doesn't bode well for the rest of life, does it?

Wishing you all the strength in the world and good wishes. Dogs will always stick around when the going gets tough xxx

Original poster
moonandmountains · 08/07/2018 17:52

@yaffingale I have two boxer dogs at 35kgs each so they take up a lot of space! But yes once I'm back upstairs they will sleep with me. For now I'm on the sofa bed in the living room because I just can't face the bedroom right now (but I will eventually) Plus I'm finding some comfort in falling asleep with netflix on in the background.

Yes the no contact thing seems right, I had no control over the situation but I can control my reactions and if keeping quiet retains some dignity then at least I've got that left. Thank you for message x

OP posts:
ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 08/07/2018 17:56

You will eat again. It took me four days and then I had a boiled egg, mashed up in a cup with butter. Take it slow and don't worry too much about the eating; it comes back eventually. Your body will take over and do what it needs to.

You'll be all right in the end. Hold on.

Original poster
moonandmountains · 08/07/2018 18:05

@ElizabethinherGermanGarden

Thank you, I've just had half a protein shake, was a struggle but at least it's something. All these messages have helped so much Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
moonandmountains · 08/07/2018 18:12

@mogratpineapple No it doesn't bode well at all and I don't want to be with someone that can do a total 360 on me like that. If we got back together I'd forever be a nervous wreck that he'll disappear on me at any time without warning. Not a way to live.

OP posts:
GreenEyedBlonde · 08/07/2018 18:16

Buy some fruit tomorrow, just some strawberries and a banana. Blend them, pop the smoothie into three small cups and promise yourself to quickly gulp them every three hours. I know eating food is vile for you at the minute so just drink it instead!

I was where you are. I lost so much weight my eyes were popping out of my head, then one morning I woke up shaking and had to shuffle down the stairs on my bum because I was so weak. I asked my Mum to make me some toast and it improved slowly after that. She told me years later I looked anorexic and she'd cry over the state of me.

You've a painful process to go through OP and it's not going to be easy, but you will get through the other side and you'll be happy again. Just take your time. Watch funny videos on YouTube. Find something you enjoy doing and build a routine including it.

I wish you the best xx

HollyGibney · 08/07/2018 18:21

I found the rule of three always seemed to work for me. After three days I could tell someone and maybe eat something, after three weeks I was able to go to work and actually function and work there and slag him off to my friends, after three months I started to get angry though still hurting, then it gradually got better.

Go and eat something, even if it's just a biscuit or some soup. This feeling is The Worst. But it will pass, I promise and in a while you'll forget you ever felt this bad. It's a bad mental injury and like physical ones you need time to recover but definitely will.