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Original poster

How pissed off would you be about this? DH and colleague

78 replies

dhsufb · 08/07/2018 14:57

DH went out on a works do on Thursday night and today when I was using his phone a message from one of his colleagues popped up and I accidentally opened their conversation (iPhone so it was hovering at the top and didn’t know how to get rid of it). There were a few from Friday discussing the night before, DH said he had been quite drunk and colleague said ‘yeah I thought you must have been, you spent like an hour telling Megan how much you loved tits and how nice hers were’ ‘Megan’ is one of their colleagues Sad Angry. The rest of the conversation makes it clear that nothing actually happened, DH basically said he was cringing at the memory and colleague said it wasn’t a big deal and that she hadn’t seemed bothered.

I am obviously upset, I told him straight away that I’d seen the messages and he didn’t actually seem that worried I don’t think he thinks he did much wrong. He insists nothing happened with her and I do trust him that he hasn’t/wouldn’t do anything physical but hate the idea that he’s now going to work everyday with a woman that he’s had that conversation with.

Would you consider this flirting or ‘normal’ drunken conversation and would you be upset or am I over reacting?

He said he barely remembers it so can’t tell me any more but I am also worried about what else he could have said in a long drunken conversation with just her

OP posts:
bethy15 · 08/07/2018 17:51

Just read that he's senior to her.

Yeah that's a huge issue, mostly because every woman is never OK with that kind of behaviour, it makes us uncomfortable and embarrassed, especially in front of other people.

It's awful if he doesn't get in trouble, because it means she believes she has to withstand some lech treating her as a piece of meat or she'll be fired. As pretty much every woman has become accustomed to. We've all been taught to withstand it since we were far too young to have to.

donquixotedelamancha · 08/07/2018 17:55

I think he should take the woman some flowers, and say my wife says I owe you an apology

This. I'd be more pissed off about how uncomfortable he probably made her than the betrayal.

I'm sure it's true he liked her tits, but would not assume it's indicative of him trying to cheat.

Loopytiles · 08/07/2018 18:00

He sexually harassed a colleague.

Flowers would not be appropriate. If anyone who witnessed it reports this to his organisation he could be fired.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2018 18:00

Like my dad always said, if you really want to know who someone is, see them when they're drunk.

TheseThingsMatter · 08/07/2018 18:00

No, no, no. Please don't take flowers to the sexual harassment victim - the woman who has been reduced to her tits in front of her co-workers by a manager. That's utterly insulting.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2018 18:02

As Loopy said, giving her flowers is the worst thing he could do. Totally inappropriate and absurd. She's not his girlfriend, FFS, she's his victim.

Bluntness100 · 08/07/2018 18:07

How do you know he's not normally like this? He seems to have slipped into the role with relative ease don't you think? And his colleague didn't seem overly surprised, did he? I'd assume your husband is very much like this.

And what does it mean to you? You're thinking he fancies rhis woman and she's going to run off with him, that's not the case. He fancies her yes, but to her he will just be some leacherous creep who sexually harassed her in front of her work colleagues.

If you're ok with that, because it means he's not going to leave you, he just drunkenly hits on women, then fair enough. But it's very sad that your bar is set so low. Do you ever meet his work colleagues? Because they will all know. And they will pity you. Men and women alike. If they know you know and accept it, then that pity will likely move to repulsion.

I've no time for men like this and no time for anyone complicit in it.

JennyHolzersGhost · 08/07/2018 18:19

My mum says she married my dad because of how he is when he’s drunk. Just saying.

Daddystepdaddy · 08/07/2018 19:44

I wonder if there will be an email appearing in the inbox on Monday...

Never, ever get drunk around work colleagues.

spiderplantsalad · 08/07/2018 20:17

Poor Megan. I hope she reports him - harassed by a manager in front of all her colleagues. He could be fired for that, and she's probably dreading the thought of going in to work whether she makes a complaint or not - but so long as it wasn't flirting, it's okay?

bethy15 · 08/07/2018 20:56

I was thinking about this earlier and the crap us women have had to put up with.

I was thinking, is the reason that the OP's husband and his friend believe that Megan will be OK with this because they are already involved in other everyday harassment of her that they believe to be just 'banter' at work.
Kind of 'Megan's fine with it because we already compliment her tits every day of the week anyway'.

Men usually believe women are fine with it. It's funny, now we've seen all the crap men have been pulling everywhere, what's been revealed in the movements is all things men thought women were fine with.

GorgonLondon · 08/07/2018 21:00

Glad to see others have pointed out that flowers would be the worst possible idea. Just awful. Do not do this.

Bobobobobob · 08/07/2018 21:01

It was banter nothing more nothing less. God help anyone who works in my office. If you don't like what someone says to you on a night out tell them and move on. Megan seems like she took it in the manner in which it was said. If she didn't like it don't stand there and take it.

midnightmisssuki · 08/07/2018 21:17

I was Megan a few years ago. It’s vile. Do you know what it’s like - a senior going on about your breasts, how nice they are, how great your bum looks and not being able to say anything back? I don’t work with the guy anymore but he was a senior and thought he could get away with anything, no one reported him Becasue we were all so junior and he could get us fired. He sounds like your DP. I hope she reports him and he gets fired.

And yes, it’s a little selfish that you can’t see the bigger picture, and all your worried about is wether he was flirting at her and is he fancies her. Sorry OP, I know it’s not want you want to hear.

Loopytiles · 08/07/2018 21:29

Employment law disagrees with you bob.

TooTrueToBeGood · 08/07/2018 21:31

It was banter nothing more nothing less

Ah, the classic defence of teenage boys and grown men with the mentality of teenage boys. Thankfully, no HR department worth a damn buys it Bob.

annandale · 08/07/2018 21:36

A friend of mine almost lost their job for behaviour a little like this and was pilloried. They spent months redeeming themselves and have given up alcohol for good. But hey, she was female. Your husband should give up mixing alcohol and work and should be terrified of the consequences.

doorframe32 · 08/07/2018 22:53

''A friend of mine almost lost their job for behaviour a little like this and was pilloried. They spent months redeeming themselves and have given up alcohol for good. But hey, she was female. ''

what did she do?

annandale · 08/07/2018 23:24

Not telling any more of her story, sorry.

sugarnotsweetener · 08/07/2018 23:36

OP that’s not flirting, so even if he does fancy her the chances of Megan now reciprocating those feelings will now be long gone, she will think he’s vile - so no worries there! Imagine having a drunk tell you how much he loves tits and how great yours are “for about an hour” that’s just gross. Your worry is your husband.

I know you think he’s not like that normally but every office I’ve worked in has had a lech and I can tell you their behaviour on Xmas do’s when their wives are present are so so much better (not to mention appropriate) so I wouldn’t bank on him never having done this before. Sorry.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2018 23:57

Op, I hope you show this thread to your husband. If he's not a totally irredeemable pig, perhaps there's a chance he will understand and appreciate just how deplorable his behaviour actually is.

allthefuckery · 09/07/2018 03:32

Jesus Christ that's disgusting. If my dh behaved like a pig like this he wouldn't be my dh anymore.

schoty77 · 09/07/2018 04:11

If I was DH I would be worried this Megan would report him (I would) or is this behaviour normal for DH when he's drunk?

Yeah, I'd be furious..and disgusted.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2018 04:28

he is senior to her so could look really bad. He is insistent though that she would have been ok with it

And what exactly could she do if she wasn't OK with it? What with him being senior.

I've had bosses like this. Arseholes to a man. And worrying close to abusive in one case.

Zommum · 09/07/2018 05:23

That's awful. You need to get him to understand that what he did was horrible and that he should apologise. Does he know he could be in trouble at work? I think you need to talk to him and let him know that just because nothing happened it's still not ok, and you are now questioning your relationship. Don't get upset by the other responses on here, you are not responsible for his actions, your priority is your relationship.