Red flags - controlling or not?

[Wary1234]

I have been seeing someone for a short while now, it's going very slowly/steady which I like as a lot of my relationships have always moved quite fast, so actually feel in some ways this has signs of being healthier than other dating periods I've experienced.

I am however, a bit wary of a few things and wanted to ask your genuine opinions on this, whether it's warning flags or whether I am being silly.

I haven't physically changed my appearance at all since we met, by the way. However, there have been comments and suggestions since quite early on. I dye my hair, and he has suggested countless times, for me to change my hair colour (back to it's natural colour). It is dressed up (I feel), as he thinks 'it will suit me' when questioned, and that my natural colour is lovely. This started happening after a couple of months. I have explained I like my hair colour and may decide to change it back to it's natural colour some day, but don't want to at the moment and that's that. The comments still come though.

He goes on at me about wearing make up. I have always worn make up, but honestly I really don't wear a lot. Mascara is a staple everyday, plus a smidge of eyeliner. I wear a very light foundation to help hide my rosacea which I have explained to him, as this makes me very self conscious and wearing the make up helps me feel better about myself. It's not an orange or dark foundation at all, it really is very pale and natural. He says I don't need it, and here is where I feel really silly for being wary - that I'm naturally beautiful and look better without it. However I have asked if he doesn't like women who wear a bit of make up why choose to date some one who does, he says he doesn't mind it but that I don't need it.

I have had comments about my clothes. I mainly see him in work clothes which can't be helped, which are boring. However, I love to make an effort when going out. He still comments on my clothing when meeting up straight out of work, how it'd be nice to see me in something different and something with colour. When outside of work I actually DO wear a lot of colour and have done, however I can't wear different clothes at work it's just not feasible. I also don't feel it's feasible to always bring a change of clothes to work with me just to change to meet him straight from work for an hour. When going out anywhere I do honestly put a lot of effort in. The comments still come though.

He did make a suggestion of what I should wear on a day out with him very recently. I didn't wear it as it wasn't suiting for the activity (would have made me v overdressed).

There are a couple more examples but I'll leave it at these for now, as I think the hair and make-up ones are the one's that happen so frequently that they're the one's bothering me most. I have told him it makes me feel as if he doesn't like me the way I am and he says not at all, it's just that I don't need these things.

The comments are always said in a complimentary ways eg: I'm beautiful enough and don't need to do these things, so can't figure out if I'm being silly and he's actually trying to boost my self esteem, or whether it's cleverly dressed up and I'm being naive. I've certainly had boyfriends tell me I don't need make up once or twice before, but literally once or twice and I've not experienced it to this degree this early on, nor have I ever had one go on about changing my hair colour.

Opinions appreciated please xxx

Red flags. Run like the wind.

hmmm I think your gut is picking up on stuff here. In themselves the comments are fine, it's just he is not stopping despite you giving your reasons. Perhaps he is not too great at picking up on what you are trying to say. I think if he makes a similar comment next time, explain how it is making you feel and if he then doesn't stop then he's definitely overstepping boundaries and this would definitely be a red flag.

Wary I have been happily married for 22 years and my DH has never criticised or "critiqued" my hair, make-up and clothes except to compliment me. To be perfectly frank this guy sounds like a jerk and no catch at all. Who wants to be constantly criticized? He may dress it up but he is just refusing to leave well enough alone, he is letting you know that he knows better than you.

My partner has never said any of those things; it is definitely red flags.

Once went out with someone who said all this and even called me " his woman" and what I should wear even though we had barely met.
Started becoming a controlling nightmare.
As you were asking Op ... 🚩🚩🚩

It doesn't sound horrendous in the context you've put but something has made you post.

Does he come across jealous, does he want you more "dressed" longer skirts, higher necklines etc?

He can feck right off. At the moment he seems determined to change your appearance. Control disguised as complements. How long before he's doing the same with your personality? I'd accept once, but you've told him you're not changing and he's still going on about it all.
You're actually justifying your choices in your OP because he has made you doubt yourself so much you convincing yourself you are silly to excuse his behaviour.

I'd be outta there before this became anything more than a short term fling. Just because it's going at the right pace does not mean you ignore should other flags. Be proud you picked up on this early on and walk away.

It’s making you uncomfortable enough to post here. To me he seems over invested with how you look, rather than who you are, and too keen to have you change your appearance according to his thoughts. Of course he is nice and complimentary about it, but people seeking control are often nice about getting their own way, especially to start with.

He isn’t really listening to what you want, either.

I’d give this one a miss.

Massive red flags
At best - he wants to change you and why would you be with someone who wanted you to be different from who you are?
At worst - the beginning of a very slippery slope. Run like the wind OP, you can do better.

I don't know if they're red flags or not as never been in that kind of relationship, but I do know I'd find all those comments irritating and patronising and the relationship would not last very long.

Thank you for your responses, it's definitely giving me things to think about.

To answer a couple of questions: No, this is the thing, he really doesn't come across as jealous at all and infact seems to go to great effort to suggest he's not - he is the quiet type who seems quite laid back with most things actually. He has had a couple of moments, looking at my phone repeatedly when I'm messaging someone, asking if a message I received was from x, when I said no, asking who messaged etc but I put that down to nosiness and it doesn't happen often. I have had a female friend look at my phone when messaging as well so don't think it's jealousy on his part. However he did comment he knew messages from x person were in a specific colour - I wouldn't have a clue who he gets messages from or what colours the chats appear in.

There was a time that I did a favour for someone (male) and they said they would get me a wee something as a thank you (in his presence) - totally innocent. He did make a bit of a jokey thing about it but it was obvious he was a bit put out iyswim.

So this is why I'm struggling to make sense of it. There are a couple of other things I feel pressured to change in life by him, but feel this could be quite outing tbh if I post them. xx

This stuff is definitely not ok.

People who are controlling are always nice to begin with.

Controlling and patronising. Red flags are flying high.

I've just seen your post about the phone thing

This is not a nice guy; I'd cut your loses and run

Op he was exactly like this - to the world a laid back sort of person and really quite charming ...
To me only using charm to skilfully take the edge off his controlling behaviour .
If you can't be with someone who GENUINELY accepts you for who you are why be with them ? 💐 🚩

Looking at your phone repeatedly while you're messaging someone isn't okay.

Run run run!
My adult daughter’s bf started like that and got worse, he knew exactly how long it would take her to walk from work to home etc and would question her if a minute late, made her give up friends, thankfully after several years she came back home last year and dumped him.

Get him a Barbie doll. He can play dress up with that.

Not good OP. He's making you question yourself - your decisions about how you have your hair ffs.

Did he say he's a chilled guy? Whilst watching you message? He's Iagoing you. Saying he's one thing whilst being another.

Yeah, red flags, all a bit weird.

"looking at my phone repeatedly when I'm messaging someone" this is the only bit that I thought "meh" about. I look at DPs phone sometimes when he's messaging. I'm being maybe too nosey and want to be involved- mostly because 90% of the time he is messaging mutual friends. I have no interest in knowing what he's talking about with people I don't even know...it's nothing to do with me.

My DP might comment on my make up or clothes if asked, or just to compliment. I would be insulted if he started making suggestions without me asking. Unless it was on a practical basis (e.g. - I think you'll be too hot in that won't you?).

Easiest way to decide if it's inappropriate, is to reverse it. Would you start telling him he should change his hair (or dressing it up as "OMG you'd look so nice if you had different hair" = "wow you'd look better different"). Would you suggest he started dressing differently? I suspect not!

You are majorly minimising. Looking at your texts and learning the colours so he knows who it is is downright freaky. Asking/demanding to know who is texting you isn't just nosy, he's checking up on you. Presumably the messages so far have been from 'acceptable' friends so he hasn't needed to start paying down rules YET! And being put out by a thank you present IS being jealous.
First post was about your appearance, then drip feed about checking up on your messages, then he's making you feel PRESSURED into making other changes.
This chilled guy is anything but. Stop minimising and making excuses.

Red flags

At best he is very rude to repeatedly comment negatively about your choices about how your hair, make up and dress.

Also very rude, at best, to nosy into your business with your phone.

Same comments my ex used to make. He ended up battering me while i was pregnant. Run OP.

This is abuse, op.

Run.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - it will teach you why this is wrong, how much more abusive it will become if you stay with him, what he's trying to achieve, the impact it will have on you, and what a healthy relationship would look like (not this).

Coercive control isn't necessarily about the violent monster you see in films. It's about all the things you just described. Gradually taking control of your life, undermining your confidence, monitoring who you communicate with, making off comments about interactions you have with other men so you reduce your social circle, leaving you feeling like a decorative object rather than a person with her own choices and preferences, making you feel you have to justify why you don't take a change of clothes to work so your appearance meets with his approval!

Somebody who loved you and respected you would not behave like this or make you feel this way, where you're justifying all these things that require no justification!

Just because he conducts his abuse with a cheerful tone, does not mean it isn't abuse. It's about the intent and the impact, not the nastiness of the tone used to abuse you.

Please go on the Freedom Programme, but first get rid of him. It will only get worse. Trust your instincts here, they are right, and listening to them now will protect you from much greater suffering further down the line.

I'm a little concerned that you seem to have compared one isolated aspect of this relationship to previous ones (it moving slowly) and concluded on that basis that it is fine and there are no issues. That's really not advisable, because different abusers use different tactics and have different personalities. You need to look for warning signs, not just compare to other instances with a different person.

If you do Freedom it will set you up for the future so you will see men like this coming before you get entangled.

It sounds like he's playing the long game to see and judge your reaction

As a one off comment ide say no harm no fail

But there's half a dozen or more comments that keep arising and they aren't going away, even though you have expressed your preference
It would be interesting to see how he would handle the exact same comments back to him, but I wouldn't bother im sniffing a wolf dressed up in sheeps clothing

Thank you all so much for your time and input, and sharing your own experience - I appreciate it all.Thank you Gruffalina - I am actually going to book on a local course of the Freedom Programme, as you say it will help set me up for the future. I never knew about it so really appreciate you sharing it.

It is extremely early days still, but I think I am just going to back off slowly. Even if I'm wrong and it's not controlling behaviour that will escalate, truth is I'm not happy with how it leaves me feeling, like I'm not fine how I am just now. If I'm seeing this so early on then it could just escalate. I have been feeling over shadowed and a bit over-beared to be honest. And that's not me, I'm quite an outgoing and happy person - but it does leave me at times questioning myself, other time's quite pissed off and feeling like I don't have a voice in my own life, even if the instances are quite minor at this point. Xx