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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He slept with someone a week after breaking up, AIBU?

32 replies

Alice112 · 08/07/2018 09:16

Me and my partner have been together for a few years on and off. Within this time we have had many issues, he has mental health problems which he resorts to alcohol, and with this there has been a LOT of lies involved.

We split around a month ago as I just couldn’t take any more. He will lie about anything and everything, but mainly it comes down to drinking. After about a month he we spoke on the phone and yet again I forgave him and things went back to normal.

We’re now 3 weeks on. He came round last night and everything was fine. I then told him that one of my friends had messaged me saying they had something to tell me which involved him. From then on he was acting very odd so I could tell something was up. After pushing him to tell me he eventually said that a week after splitting he slept with someone else.

After hearing this I went absolutely crazy, I was and am so hurt. I know we was technically not together so he has not cheated I just cannot stand the thought of this happening and me not knowing about it.

I know I shouldn’t of but I ended up being violent towards him and said I never wanted to speak or see him again. The thing which is really getting at me is the lies. He was very interested in knowing if I had been with anyone since we broke and who is spoken to etc. He still asks frequently if I’ve spoken to any males even on a friendly basis which I have been and always am very upfront about. When I have asked him back he has always sworn he never did anything. We also went to the clinic when we got back together to get checked, and when I asked him about his sexual partners he said the last time he slept with someone was before we had anything going on. But I’m actual fact it would have been a week ago at this point.

I am absolutely done with all the lies and crap that comes out of his mouth. He seemed quite shocked that I was put out by this, and played it down saying he had to lie otherwise he knew I would act like I did.

After trying to make everything work for so long, I feel exhausted. I really thought he had come clean on everything. I am a very open person so it baffles me how some people can lie through their teeth and then have the cheek to say they’re sorry and they love you.

The worst part is after all the crap I’ve taken of him I end up believing that I’m thinking to much into it and throwing him away. I just need someone to talk some sense into me. I know he will not change, this has been clarified, but I cannot help to feel sorry for him and blame myself for overreacting.

If you have any words of wisdom it would be appreciated!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/07/2018 09:19

Deary me.

What a toxic "relationship"
Jeremy Kyle is thattaway >>>>>>

Take a long look at your life and decide if this is how you want to live, and how you want your actions to be judged. Forget his. Look at your own and sort yourself out.

ginandnappies · 08/07/2018 09:20

Clearly this relationship isn't going to work, with the lies and most importantly the fact you were violent. Have you been violent towards him before? The fact he said he didn't tell you because he knew you'd react the way you did speaks volumes to me. At the end of the day you were together so really he's done nothing wrong towards the relationship, might be a bit quick etc. If it's making you this angry and miserable I'd probably say it's not worth it.

Beebiesandcheebies · 08/07/2018 09:21

I would move forward without him in your plans

rainingcatsanddog · 08/07/2018 09:22

Write down the reasons why you broke up and stay broken up for both of your sakes. If you feel yourself waver into having him back then read that list and stay away.

While I understand the initial angry response, you were broken up and you shouldn't have been violent. You should look into some counselling whether this is the first or last time you were violent. If this is the first time you need to recognise this as a wake up call.

lljkk · 08/07/2018 09:22

Dump him like an itchy rash, OP.
It's a Hollywood myth that love conquers all. You can always care for him but that doesn't mean you will ever belong together. Move on to get yourself someone better.

leaveituntiltomorrow · 08/07/2018 09:23

What was it that your friend had to tell you about him OP?

Sounds like you’re better off without this guy. Work on yourself.

rainingcatsanddog · 08/07/2018 09:23

Let go of the sex bit. When your mind goes to that topic recite "We weren't together"

BunsOfAnarchy · 08/07/2018 09:23

Im not sure whether him sleeping with someone else whilst you werent together matters here; It sounds like an incredibly unhappy relationship with lies distrust and alcohol and violence. Him asking you what guys you talk to even on a friendly basis is a little controlling.
Focus your eye on the relationship itself and not on the weeks/days you're broken up. It just looks so unhealthy when you're together.

The pair of you are better off apart.

Strugglingtodomybest · 08/07/2018 09:24

it baffles me how some people can lie through their teeth and then have the cheek to say they’re sorry and they love you.

Because they are lying again.

Just cut your losses with this guy and move on, would be my advice.

Kerryberry34 · 08/07/2018 09:24

It is very hurtful that he slept with someone but I’m if the thinking that men don’t see sex like women to him it was probably just a leg over where as I wouldn’t just randomly sleep with someone he may have thought you’s were over for good and often after the initial few weeks pass it’s the they regret the break up where as we are wrecks and then get stronger. Iv been cheated on in my current relationship I don’t know why I’m still here so can’t give you advice on that but one thing I do know is you never fully trust them again and I think about it every day I make excuses for him but deep down I just love him and want him to change. Ultimately I don’t think they ever do change and probably he has no respect for you and just hopes you’ll carry on forgiving him

category12 · 08/07/2018 09:25

Splitting up was a good move. Getting back together, very bad move.

Original poster
Alice112 · 08/07/2018 09:28

I can not justify myself on the violence part, it was the first time. I can get very angry I admit to that, which is hugely bought on by all the lies but I am never usually violent. It was nothing major although I am aware i took it too far by making it physical at all.

I haven’t spoke to my friend about it as I don’t want to hear anything else that’ll hurt me even more. I’m assuming it was about the girl he slept with as my friend had seen him after it happened.

The thing that drives me crazy is that he would have kept this a lie had I not of mentioned my friend wanting to tell me something. He only came clean as he thought it was this that she was going to tell me, which is most likely was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alice112 · 08/07/2018 09:31

I’m aware he hasn’t done anything wrong by sleeping with someone. But why try and amend things with me once doing this. He knows full well I wouldn’t was anything to resume after he’s slept with someone a week later. He would have been better to keep well away and accept it’s over rather than trying to get me back.

OP posts:
abilockhart · 08/07/2018 09:33

I ended up being violent towards him

You lost me there.

Get out of this relationship. Get help to stop your abusive behaviour.

formerbabe · 08/07/2018 09:42

Just forget the whole 'relationship'. It sounds like a toxic mess...what's the point?!

pissedonatrain · 08/07/2018 10:16

I don't know what it is but it isn't a relationship.

Stay broken up and get some counseling for your violent behaviour and your insistence on sticking with a toxic person. There is nothing worth saving here.

InTheLightOfTheMoon · 08/07/2018 11:24

If this was a man saying he had been violent towards his ex the responses wouldnt be so kind!

You were over and he slept with someone else! Which he is entitled to do, get a grip. There is no excuse for violence.

SandyY2K · 08/07/2018 12:29

This is an unhealthy relationship. End it once and for all.

Rainbowqueeen · 08/07/2018 12:32

Looking forward can you honestly say that you truly believe this will ever be a healthy loving relationship??

From what you have said, I can't see it.

I would move on. Learn from this but make a break and keep it broken. Block him, stay busy and focus on yourself. This man is not the one for ypu

swingofthings · 08/07/2018 12:44

You broke up with him yet again. He is fed up, confused, feeling hard done by. He thinks this time is it likely to be over for good. He meets this person, she is up for it, he thinks that sleeping with someone else will help him get over you and move on.

Then you call him back. He is over the moon as he loves you and hope this time it will work. He knows that if you were to find out that he slept with someone, you will go berserk and probably break up with him again. She met nothing to him, if he'd known you would ask him to try again he would never have done it. All in all, it's better to keep quiet about it.... too bad he got caught!

Honestly, your relationship sounds very unhealthy and dealing with too much damage for a full repair.

abilockhart · 08/07/2018 14:01

If this was a man saying he had been violent towards his ex the responses wouldnt be so kind!

This.

If a poster posted that her partner had been violent in these circumstances, she would be advised to log the incident with the police.

dirtybadger · 08/07/2018 14:10

As others have said, end the relationship now for both your sakes. You aren't good for one another.

Imagine that during your time apart, you went out with some friends for a few drinks to take your mind off the whole thing. At this point you think things are over for good. You meet an attractive guy, have sex, and nothing comes of it. You get back with your DP. Do you tell him straight away? From his perspective I can see that this is hard although he did actively lie. When you do eventually tell him....he is violent. Acceptable? No. The relationship is dead and you are both better on your own because it sounds like you both have a lot of your own stuff to sort out. This will keep happening, and you know you cannot trust yourself now, either. You probably think you would never do it again. But I am sure you didn't think you would do it the first time, either!

dirtybadger · 08/07/2018 14:11

Oops "he is violent" was supposed to be in italics.

Gruffalina72 · 08/07/2018 14:13

Get yourself on the Freedom Programme and learn what a healthy relationship looks like. (Spoiler: nothing like anything you've described.) www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Of course he's surprised you care about his lies this time - you've tolerated it for years before now.

You've said about feeling sorry for him. What about feeling sorry for yourself and the miserable life you're dooming yourself to if you don't break out of this cycle and address the underlying issues?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2018 16:13

Why are you still interacting with this loser? It's OVER and you should be thrilled that it is. Who cares if he slept with every girl in town after you broke up? It isn't your concern or problem. Move on and don't look back.