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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"friend" and husband

37 replies

sarah313 · 08/07/2018 02:19

hi everyone im new here and im really in need of advice. about 3 years ago i met a woman at my weekly church meeting she seemed very happy to meet me she was very talkative and asked for my number. for the next 8 months she called every day we also met up ALOT she was a single mother with 3 kids, and i was married also with 3 kids. our kids got on really well and i really enjoyed her company. after about 8 months confided in her about my mental health issues i have bi polar under control with meds. she was extremely helpful and told me her mum had bi polar.

As time went on i started to notice that she was always mentioning how good my husband was with our kids, how much of a family man he was and i started to realise that she would always tell her kids to spend as much time as the could with my husband (which made my husband kinda uncomfortable) anyway she started saying odd things like i feel like we are all one big family and wouldnt it be nice if our kids were brothers and sisters?

one day she called me and she said sarah can i tell you a joke i thought this was strange because who says that? you just tell the bloody joke! i said yes and she said would'nt it be funny if your husband married me as a 2nd wife (we are from a christian sect which allows polygamy). i was shocked i replied no that wouldnt be nice and my husband does'nt want you. As soon as i said that she completely changed she said you just want him all to yourself your so selfish and hurled abuse at me. then she said i no he wants me and i no he wants to be a father to my kids the only issue is you! i was so hurt i hanged up! i couldnt make sense of what just happened

i called her back and asked her to explain and she said that day when i met you in the church i already knew who you were i was looking for you because i wanted to become your friend so that you could get to no me and realise that im a good person and ask your husband to marry me (this is normal in ur community usually first wives will choose the new wives), before i found you i had already asked the head brother of our church to ask you husband to marry me but the head brother said no so i realsied that the only way to get to your husband was through you. so basically she was never my friend it was all made up just to get my husband. its been over 3 years and im still not over what happened i cant trust anyone i feel so alone and so stupid for not being able to let go of what did

my question is whats wrong with me it was 3 years ago why cant i move on??

OP posts:
callywags · 08/07/2018 04:27

What the actual.......
Is this for real?

If it is maybe because a horrible person took advantage of you to try and serve her own agenda.

fuzzywuzzy · 08/07/2018 04:37

I wouldn’t be able to get over it either frankly.

She sounds really horrible the way she weaselled her way into your life and tried to get to your husband.

I’d want to move away from her and the church!

stevesmithsmum · 08/07/2018 04:48

You ain’t from around here, are you? (Said in a southern American drawl)

Monty27 · 08/07/2018 04:51

Weirdos

Devilishpyjamas · 08/07/2018 05:00

Are you in three States?

Do you live in a community surrounded by lots of families with multiple wives?

She betrayed & used you, which is presumably why you can’t get over it. But it was her, not you. Do you still have to see her? I’d recommend counselling as you can’t alter her, only your response to her betrayal.

Does your husband want a second wife?

MiniTheMinx · 08/07/2018 05:09

I fail to see what the issue is here. You have chosen to believe as you do. I don't see what it is she did wrong really. If wives choose to befriend other women with s view to making them a second wife, then why can't women befriend others with a view to becoming the second wife.

If you have an issue with sharing your husband how can you reconcile it with your faith and belief in your community. Perhaps it would be better to turn your attention to critically evaluating your faith.

LEMtheoriginal · 08/07/2018 05:14

I presume that the fact you are active within the church means you practice your religion? Have you and your dh ever discussed the possibility? Is it something you have discounted?

Was you not aware from the begining that this woman may have an ulterior motive?

Im sorry that she didn't turn out to be a good person.

What does your dh say?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 08/07/2018 05:29

If you choose to be part of a horribly sexist society where men can have a little harem all to themselves then don’t be shocked when they do that. Her expectations are set by being part of this society. Why don’t your expectations meet up with the reality of the life you’re (supposedly) living? How far down the wifey pecking order do you want your own DDs to come?

Unicornandbows · 08/07/2018 05:47

Wow what did I just read..

Crwban · 08/07/2018 06:02

Your 'faith' is as much to blame. Why are you in this church if you don't agree with its polygamy practice?

theforceisstrong · 08/07/2018 06:04

I think you are posting in the wrong place here because none of us can really understand your way of life so it's hard to comment. That said if polygamy is normal and the wives choose the second wives I can see why she tried to be friends with you. She was using you to get to your husband but how else would she progress this if the norm is to get your approval?

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/07/2018 06:25

Do you want a second wife? Does your husband want one too?

I kind of see what minitheminx is saying. I don’t see how you choose someone unless you befriend them or vis Versa. How would it normally work?

Your instincts were good to not accept her. A friend should be a friend despite anything else. She does sound quite desperate and that’s very sad.

Do you have access to therapy? Outside your faith would be good to gain some perspective.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 08/07/2018 06:41

Perhaps it would be better to turn your attention to critically evaluating your faith Yep, MinnieTheMinx has it right. The problem is that there's a conflict between your values as a human being and the norms of your faith. It's something you need to reflect on long and hard.

Grobagsforever · 08/07/2018 06:55

I'm so sorry to hear you're trapped in a faith that doesn't respect women. I believe there are support groups to help you get out.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 08/07/2018 07:46

I always think it’s pretty grim polygamy it’s purely to fed a mans ego and woman are you cattle to them especially watching the shows where he has 3 or 4 wife’s Hmm however are you surprised when you are involved in that community? Surely if your dh wanted to commit himself completely to you where are you associated to a church who encourages polygamy?

ivechangedmyusername · 08/07/2018 07:48

Why are you (both you and DH) members of a church that promotes practices (polygamy) that you don't agree with . Not just don't agree with - but has traumatised you for three years. ?

Why on earth don't you move to a church that doesn't support this practice. You are obviously from the US - there is no shortage of churches . You are spoilt for choice all the way from the batshit crazy to liberal .. take your pick.

donquixotedelamancha · 08/07/2018 07:52

Is this for real? Seriously? You really need to ask?

Toodamnhot · 08/07/2018 07:52

I was wondering why you were so surprised if this is normal within your religion.

stressedoutpa · 08/07/2018 08:01

Oh err missus! Don't get that in the Church of England.

Bluntness100 · 08/07/2018 08:09

Well ok then, wasn't expecting this 🤣

If by chance this is real, then you elect to be in a religion that is polygamous, so I fail to see how what she did was abnormal. You yourself said the first wife picks the second. And that befriending the wife was normal.

Why are you a member of such a community where this weird shit practice is the norm if you dislike it so much?

FilledSoda · 08/07/2018 08:11

Why are you a member of this faith if you don't agree with it's teachings ?

Discotits · 08/07/2018 08:13

I think your weird religion has messed with your head.

Starlighter · 08/07/2018 08:13

But you’re part of a religion that allows this, this is your belief?! I don’t get how you can be so shocked by her suggestion?

Not nice finding out our friends have hidden agendas but I’d be constantly second guessing every single women if I was in a situation like that...

LEMtheoriginal · 08/07/2018 10:53

Discotits thats a pretty shitty thing to say and quite frankly racist

Original poster
sarah313 · 08/07/2018 11:35

im shocked at some of the replies i honestly just wanted advice not people mocking me and the religion i follow. yes first wives can choose the following wives but the following wives make their intentions clear they dont do what this woman did. i feel like she really messed with my head. i havent been able to move on i feel stuck and alone. i just want people to talk to thats all. reading some comments really hurt me please stop

OP posts:
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