"friend" and husband

[sarah313]

hi everyone im new here and im really in need of advice. about 3 years ago i met a woman at my weekly church meeting she seemed very happy to meet me she was very talkative and asked for my number. for the next 8 months she called every day we also met up ALOT she was a single mother with 3 kids, and i was married also with 3 kids. our kids got on really well and i really enjoyed her company. after about 8 months confided in her about my mental health issues i have bi polar under control with meds. she was extremely helpful and told me her mum had bi polar.

As time went on i started to notice that she was always mentioning how good my husband was with our kids, how much of a family man he was and i started to realise that she would always tell her kids to spend as much time as the could with my husband (which made my husband kinda uncomfortable) anyway she started saying odd things like i feel like we are all one big family and wouldnt it be nice if our kids were brothers and sisters?

one day she called me and she said sarah can i tell you a joke i thought this was strange because who says that? you just tell the bloody joke! i said yes and she said would'nt it be funny if your husband married me as a 2nd wife (we are from a christian sect which allows polygamy). i was shocked i replied no that wouldnt be nice and my husband does'nt want you. As soon as i said that she completely changed she said you just want him all to yourself your so selfish and hurled abuse at me. then she said i no he wants me and i no he wants to be a father to my kids the only issue is you! i was so hurt i hanged up! i couldnt make sense of what just happened

i called her back and asked her to explain and she said that day when i met you in the church i already knew who you were i was looking for you because i wanted to become your friend so that you could get to no me and realise that im a good person and ask your husband to marry me (this is normal in ur community usually first wives will choose the new wives), before i found you i had already asked the head brother of our church to ask you husband to marry me but the head brother said no so i realsied that the only way to get to your husband was through you. so basically she was never my friend it was all made up just to get my husband. its been over 3 years and im still not over what happened i cant trust anyone i feel so alone and so stupid for not being able to let go of what did

my question is whats wrong with me it was 3 years ago why cant i move on??

You might be able to find a therapist who deals with issues in religions, sometimes called 'religious abuse'. There are some out there, especially in the USA where there are religions like your own. They would be very respectful and understanding of people's faith.

Also me and my husband are no longer part of the church she was fully aware that we were leaving because we had issues with somethings i told her that we wanted to leave but i feel she befriended me to ruin my marriage i no there are alot of horrible people in the world i understand but im still so hurt maybe my mental illness is playing a part here aswell but how do get over this?

Also, you are not stupid for not being able to get over it that easily. This woman gained your trust for her own purposes, then betrayed that trust because her only aim was to secure a husband for herself. Because she shared your church, that was a bigger betrayal because what she did didn't feel like the values you all share. Yet she made it out that you were the 'bad' one who did something wrong.
It must have felt like a huge threat to your family and your children.
Anyone would feel like you do in that circumstance.
You are no worse than anyone else.
Has your husband supported you or did he know about this?

Do you and your husband talk about this?

i told her that we wanted to leave but i feel she befriended me to ruin my marriage i no there are alot of horrible people in the world i understand but im still so hurt maybe my mental illness is playing a part here?

Do you mind if I ask how long you’ve been out? Have you had much life experience outside the religion? I get the impression you don’t have a very thick skin if the fairly mild comments so far have upset you. I think this is why you might be unable to move on from this woman’s behaviour. It’s unpleasant but as an outsider it doesn’t seem that surprising. I assume she had a pretty small group of men to choose from with a lot of women for competition. That doesn’t make it ok of course but why so shocked? Have you met many other duplicitous people? I feel like women who go after other people’s partners are not even vaguely uncommon. At least she had the decency to ask you.

sadie thank you for your message yes my husband was very supportive and still is we have decided to leave the church because we dont agree with somethings. i really appreciate you taking time to talk to me. your right she tried to make me feel like a bad person for not wanting to follow that part of the religion. polygamy was something i grew up in so i understand it, but ive never seen someone do what she did. usually any woman who wants to be a sisterwife would ask the first wife and husband if they want her to join the family, she tried to ask my husband behind my back when that didnt work she decided to become my friend with the intention of manipulating me into agreeing she knew about my mental health issues and she knew that any stress could trigger my mental illness, she didnt care this is not how things are done. when i said no i do not want to do polygamy she verbally abused me and tried to make me feel like i failed in the religion

God!!!! Which country is this because you can’t marry 2 wives here. Anyway it’s all just weird.i would just find another church if I were you

User your post is not helpful and ignorant

Hi Hun so sorry to hear what you are going through. A lady at my church would only be friends with my husband and not both of us. One day she says she needs a word and then was laughing and joking with him in the coffee room. I was then not happy to hear she had texted him after the service when I told her we had to go. I got her number from a friend and said if she behaves again like that she will have more than a text message from me to deal with. Not heard from her since. I would completely cut this woman out of your life now. Don’t respond to anything else x

Sarah, maybe she just wanted your husband any which way. It does indeed seem she used your willingness to be friends to try and get what she wanted. Of course that is hurtful. However, if polygamy is part of that faith and way of life, a teaching of the sect you belong to, her parting comments are at least correct.

I'm very glad to hear you and your husband are making your own way and have left. I always think that in marriages that exist within this sort of faith community that there are always more than two people in the marriage. There is always the couple and the church, the couple and the church elders, the couple and a huge amount of pressure to conform to the church, and of course Jesus. Ok, this might suit some, but I think marriage vows are between two people. I can well imagine that even in the most faithful of households that not everyman or woman wants to bow down to church doctrine. I've read of men taking a belt to their wife, whether that is because they follow the teachings, or because they have misinterpreted those readings is not the issue.....the issue is this, that many of these religious communities are apt to allow a certain wilful ignorance. They'll encourage the chastisement of women and children, wilfully misread scripture.....when it suits, and at other times point to it and declare it must be read literally. And all the while women are not only married to their husband, another person they could reason with, debate, agree, plead for kindness, or expect protection, nooooooo they are married quite literally to the church.

I think time will heal this, and making new friends. Not everyone is out to use others. How about joining a group to do a hobby? I think you need to restore your 'faith' in human nature.

Op have you actually left the church? You say you have, but then move to decided to leave like it's still to happen.

If you've already left, just put this behind you. She went about it the wrong way, you said no, she didn't take it well, end of,

Discotits thats a pretty shitty thing to say and quite frankly racist

No, not racist. Shitty maybe, but I think a religion that allows men to have more than one wife is shit. And I do think it’s messed with her mental health.