39+ weeks pregnant and been so let down by DP

[Namechange97]

I can’t believe I’m writing this. I’ve read others peoples posts before and felt so heart sorry for people in rubbish situations with partners and here I am feeling so low just before I give birth.

Bk story, I have one dd(9)with ex partner and met my partner 2 years ago. I fell pregnant whilst on pill but I thought he was different and this was my “happy ending”. Recently things just haven’t felt good. He’s so moody, impatient, snaps at slightest thing and I feel like I need to watch what I’m doing and saying sometimes. We don’t click. Maybe too similar.

Today we had a family bbq. My uncle was joking around and very annoying I admit and was going on and on about dp making more effort with extended children as he will be a father soon. Dp explained he didn’t want to join in the game but he kept on and on and dp (short fuse) decided to retaliate and say he doesn’t do what people tell him to do etc. He completely hit the roof. This is one of the first times meeting my family properly and I felt there was a more mature way of dealing with things. He’s angry at me “not sticking up for him” but I just said my piece “he’ll get enough practise soon enough” tried to laugh it off and bypass the situation. Uncle continued and said some silly things I admit. DP has told me he doesn’t want be part of family or with me when I don’t stick up for him etc. It’s opened a can of worms as I already had so much doubts. I’m lying here so upset and can’t believe I might have to be a single parent again to 2 children to 2 diff fathers so soon, how did I think this would work yet be left here feeling so down so close to the birth of dc.

I'm so sorry. Do you have any friends or family who can support you?

What was the ex like that make you think this time was "different" and your "happy ending"? Did he behave like this too?

If his behaviour was genuinely in response to your uncle's comments then it was a massive overreaction and he owes you and them an apology. I'm sceptical whether that is really the case and it wasn't more about having his "power" challenged (hence the comment about nobody telling him what to do).

That comment in the context of what else you've shared is concerning. As is his responding to harmless albeit irritating comments with a rage and threats of never seeing your family or staying with you if you see them. Seems like he's using it as an excuse to try and isolate you.

You coped before as a single parent, you will cope again. I know it won't be easy, but you will be able to do it. And it would be a damn sight easier than having to deal with his mistreatment at the same time.

To be honest, I’m with your DP here. If on one of the first times I meet my partner’s parents, I repeatedly got a hard time for their aunt or uncle who you admit said some silly things, I’d be disappointed in my partner (you) for not sticking up for me, too.

Re reading your post, and the comment about having to watch what you say and do to avoid setting him off.

I'll cut to it, my concern on reading your post was that your ex was probably abusive, then when you met this new man he seemed different to the ex so you assumed he therefore was not abusive.

He sounds abusive to me. There are a few reasons, but having to change your behaviour to try and avoid setting them off is a hallmark of abuse.

Right now is not the ideal time, I get it, but have you done the Freedom Programme? And if not, would you please consider it? You can do it online www.freedomprogramme.co.uk if you can't get to a group anytime soon (which I realise is likely).

If nothing else, it might make you feel less bleak about the future. It teaches you what abuse looks like, how it affects us, and what healthy relationships look like as well as how to spot the warning signs in new partners. Those last two points were what gave me my hope back when I was feeling like I was irreparably broken and the world was filled with untrustworthy people.

You have nothing to lose by checking it out.

Take care

Nah, normal people don't flip their lid at somebody joking around in an inoffensive way they happen to find irritating, because normal people have manners and know how to behave.

Also: context of the outburst in the rest of their life highly relevant. It's not trivial in context.

Thank you for your response.

It was just different in the sense my ex was a different person from him (and me) he was my opposite and he made me laugh and I knew he loved me but he had many many faults and an addiction which caused us to break up due to lies and the actual addiction. It was toxic due to this but I didn’t doubt he loved me? Don’t know if this makes sense.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with power tbh. It’s gave me food for thought. He doesn’t like being told what to do at all. I don’t know if it’s an insensitivity to maybe being made to feel as if he’s being put down or inadequate? By being told to make more effort? My uncle was an absolute pain in all honesty and pushing him towards going etc. If it had been me I’d have laughed it off and walked away and perhaps even just done it as I would be making a massive effort with new people and for DPs sake. He sees it as I should know this would have annoyed him and spoke up. I’m just annoyed at what it’s brought out which is his lack of patience and how quick he is to snap! He sees it as I let him be humiliated etc. Uncle approached again giving it drunken chat like “oh I’ve fell out with u now” and “hopefully you’ll be a better dad to this one than u were today” uncalled for but drunken and I just think should have been handled more maturely. Dp then went on to snap when just me and him and tell me it’s over after we leave as he was so angry at me.

Not so much wanting to isolate me I don’t think. I don’t see that side often but just making sure I hear fact he doesn’t want to see that side and doesn’t want to be with someone who lets him be humiliated like that. I just think I’d have reacted so differently and feel so let down. I thought he was different and my “happy ending” as he seemed so laid back before, worked hard, would ensure our family was well looked after, no lies, open and honest but I’ve came to realise brutally honest, no respect for some people, snaps so easily etc. I feel like I’ve just jumped into this and people are going to think I’m such an idiot falling into yet another failed relationship. I’m due to give birth in a few days and I’m completely on my own feeling the opposite to what I had expected.

I am wary of highly sensitive men as you have to watch your words and actions to protect their fragile sense of self.

Firstly don't feel judged, those who care about you will be protective and disappointed for you.If some judge then they are not people you need in your life.

Some men (people) don't show their real selves for a long time..once they feel a shift in power the mask will slip.
I think its understandable you thought you had swapped a non addicted man for someone upstanding.

Forgive yourself, talk to family, take care of you and focus on your baby.

@TokenGinger I get this and I understand but he had made it so incredibly awkward seconds into it I couldn’t find the words, when he walked away I did say “why would he want to do that, no one else is joining in, he’ll get plenty of practise soon, he practises with dd already and his own family” I tried to “stick” up for him but it wasn’t necessary I didn’t think, it was friendly over the top drunken annoying banter. Yes very annoying, maybe a bit awkward for him but a need to snap? I didn’t think so or maybe I’m just a very different person. And to then stand by ear shot and come back with “don’t start any of that because I don’t do what people tell me to do” I just feel it was blown up terribly and he had just done a number of things I wouldn’t on meeting a partners family. Again maybe I’m just a very different more mellow person and totally get your opinion but I didn’t feel it was at a point I had to cause more of a fuss by jumping in and being defensive and over the top! I just tried to cut the conversation short and move on.

What's your housing situation op?

If you broke up would it mean him finding somewhere else to live?

Can I just thank you all for taking the time and effort to reply to me. Sat here in tears and I’m just thankful. I’m so scared my labour comes on and I’m in this position but tbh the damage is done and I don’t feel like I’ll be feeling much better regardless of what happens tomorrow.

I had to drop dd off earlier and when I came back he told me he had expected an apology from me. I didn’t apologise. I’ve had so many doubts recently this is just something else added on top! I’ve struggled with this pregnancy and this is last thing I’ve needed. He’s packed his bags so I assume he will leave in morning and I don’t know where that leaves me. I was so excited to be in a happy settled relationship and to enjoy every minute of pregnancy and look forward to our arrival. I’m just so upset things have went this way and I feel like a complete fool. He doesn’t see things my way and I’m wrong of course. He just goes on about how I’m so quick to point out everything he does wrong. I was wrong to not defend him and he doesn’t want to be with someone like me amongst many other statements bringing me down and telling me how he’s right and I’m wrong. I’ve not once stuck up for uncle, I don’t care in all honesty, it’s his reaction that’s been the nail in the coffin for me.

@Guiltypleasures001 I rent my home just now. We were looking to move when he bought another house for us but due to personal situation it’s been held off so I am fine where I live just now and he will go to his own flat so I’m fine in sense of housing and money, I’ve been a single parent before and I have always made sure I pay my own way and work full time. Maternity pay will be hard but I’ve done it before and if necessary I will not only cope but will provide the best I can for my children, no doubt about that.

Oh lovely he sounds like a joy sucking imbecile

We all make mistakes, fuck me have you got all night? I have a smorgasbord of rare fuckwittery delights I tell thee 🤷‍♀️

But you have a new bubba on the way, and it doesn't matter what number he she is or how many fathers have gone before them.

So why not make it all,about you for now, he's made his choice, and to be honest baby or not you would have turned him out anyway, you already knew he wasn't right, but baby made you want to try anyway.

There's no shame to be had in any of this, theirs no fault to be had other than his,
So hoik ya big girly spanks and gather the troops around you.

Knowledge is power and it's not like you haven't done this before, so Monday morning it's counsel for rates discount, and any other benefits you might need.

Make a list, and check stuff off as you go along, you sound so strong and please give yourself some credit for seeing him for what he is.

💐

Wow, one idiot drunken relative, one occasion when you didn't do what he thought you should and he's packed and leaving!? Please let him go. He's expecting you to apologise and beg him to stay, and therefore hand him all the power. This would then become a pattern. You step out of line, he threatens to leave, you back down and he's 'won'. If he can't have an adult discussion when issues occur before a new baby, he's certainly not going to be able to when you're both knackered and stressed.

@Thingsdogetbetter he did actually say when I got in he was waiting to see my reaction as he was expecting an apology. Obviously when he didn’t get one he left. Fair enough. Still not getting an apology. I’ll apologise when I feel I have something to apologise for and I won’t be begging anyone to stay in my life regardless of a baby. He came bk. slept on couch and we’ve spoke today a bit more calmer and explaining to him he can’t react to things so sharply and needs to respect people and have a more tactful mature approach. I’m still humiliated by the situation n I hope to god no one else really overheard! I was all for walking away and pointed out all aspects of his behaviour I’m not happy with and having been in a relationship before that I let ruin me I’m not willing to stick another one out if it’s going down that path! Have also had the baby conversation as in things are about to get a whole lot harder to shape up or ship out. I’m not saying I’m perfect and my past relationships and anxiety probably play a part in some of the arguments, he’s said his piece on this and suggested we speak or do something to help my anxiety and his temperament. Right now I’m not sure but I just want to get the next few days/weeks over with and focus on me and baby and what will be will be with me and him. If this means doing it on my own so be it, it’s just the embarrassment more than anything of telling people of another baby and another failed relationship and I had always set out hoping for a family life. I feel guilty if I bring another child into the world without a father

@Guiltypleasures001 thank you for taking the time to reply! I’ll take it a day as it comes! I can’t be bothered getting overly stressed in my last days of pregnancy but 100% yes if it comes to it I’ll be yanking up those big girl pants and getting on with it! I might cry forever and a day but I’ll always be ok and I’ll always provide the best I’m just a bit ashamed to be in this situation

Don't let embarrassment or shame keep you in a crap relationship tho. Pretty embarrassing to be tied to someone who causes a scene like that anyway.

@category12 very true! Which is why I’m considering doing it on my own also as I’m also embarrassed that I’ve ended up with someone who reacts like that when I thought he was the absolute opposite! I’ll relax today and try not stress and see what the next while brings but I won’t be staying put in anything that isn’t working. Better to cut ties than drag it out, I’ll just need to deal with any embarrassment if this is the case

Was it drunken annoying banter - or was your uncle clumsily expressing what everyone else at the party was thinking?

When the baby arrives, for the love of God don't register him/her in your ex-DP's surname. Don't allow him to attend the registration with you. The legal consequences could be endless.
If he wants a relationship with his child, he can still work on this, but he won't have the same power hold over you. You will still be able to claim child support. Do your research before you make a painful and costly error here.

I'm another one thinking how strong you sound.

In my experience other people don't judge us anywhere near as harshly as we judge ourselves. At least not the decent humans we want in our lives.

I think your assessment of how you would have expected him to behave is reasonable and sensible. It's what normal people would do, especially given he was meeting them for th first time.

I do think it's a shame you're letting him stick around when a few hours before you were so clear that his behaviour and controlling tactics were unacceptable. I hope you don't let him worm his way back in.

@MiniMimi00 I don’t think so. It could have been I guess but as I say it was first time meeting people so I think for him to be overly mixing with children he doesn’t know would have been a tad awkward? I wouldn’t have expected him to be playing around with them more than anyone else was when he didn’t know them. He was with my dd as normal as she is older and comes and goes doing her own thing. He did nip in to watch a bit of football so maybe that’s annoyed him or he’s felt that’s rude? I’m not sure! But he was being sent to do something that none of the other dads were even doing and he said he felt uncomfortable and the more he pushed and he did physically push at one point it made him more and more uncomfortable and then the reaction came. Said he considered doing it but then realised no one else was and he was totally singled out he felt uncomfortable by it and I guess I would be too but doesn’t excuse the reaction or the bite back at all.

@Gruffalina72 thank you, I don’t feel strong especially when it’s all in the mix and going on and I am highly anxious but I do know I have gave dd my all and I will do same with this dc and will cope regardless. I’ll just no doubt have a few meltdowns inbetween!

As for letting him stick around - I still believe it was unacceptable and I haven’t backed down whatsoever, he knows exactly what I feel and he says he’s took it on board and will try. If he doesn’t then that’s when I have to access things but right now I’m due to give birth so I’m thinking we need to be civil and mature enough to leave this till baby is here and see where it takes us. It’s not that I’m putting something off or letting him worm in, I’m not swallowing any pack of lies or promises I’m just thinking I can’t be bothered having any more arguements or stress when I should be putting everything into having this baby first and foremost. Whatever happens between me and him will happen. I just want to try relax as much as I can just now as I don’t want to feel as anxious as I did last night this far into my pregnancy. In saying that I do hope I’ve said enough for him to get a grip but if he doesn’t then I’ve made it very clear I am more than ready to do this on my own

Two things, your Uncle is a prize arse and how your partner reframed from decking the arsehole I do not know. Banter appears to be what abusive people and their apologists use to describe away abuse. I’m really confused as to why you think your partner should accept being abused so as not to embarrass you? I really would rethink a relationship with someone who stood by while their family member behaved so appallingly towards me.

Secondly, there’s a good chance your your partner will come around and then what? Are you going to suddenly forget the uneasiness you feel around him and his behaviour towards you? Given your relationship history and your family dynamic, I would recommend doing the freedom programme.

Several things jump out at me from your post...firstly, yes your uncle was an arse but why is that your problem? Your DP was angry at you. Why? Sure be angry at your uncle but you aren’t responsible for other people’s behaviour just because you know them. If you and him are walking down the street one day, a car pulls up and an old schoolmate of you starts throwing eggs at him, would that be your fault? No it wouldn’t. Why does he think you have the power to control other people? You are going to spend your life with this man second guessing everybody and every situation because of his unreasonable expectations. You are only responsible for your behaviour and your own words. He then expected you to apologise. That’s completely unfair and weird. I would advise you to be very careful around this man because his expectations and reactions aren’t normal. Don’t marry him in a rush of new baby hormones. Don’t sign anything that binds you to him. Keep your own back account and don’t give him access to anything. Think very carefully. Don’t give him your DPs surname (you’re not married, you don’t have to) because once you do there’s all sorts of implications and you are tied to this bloke legally for the next 18years.

With the situation you have described, I’m honestly more with your dp. If dh let me be subjected to unrelenting teasing/abuse/horrendously picked on I’d be furious if he didn’t say something firmly on my behalf to his family member, and more firmly if the ‘banter’ - yeah right, carried on.

But I think it’s more that we don’t know what he has done before to make you question the relationship.

So on that one incident I’m with him, although seem to be in the minority. But if you are having second thoughts anyway, do what everyone is saying re baby name and getting yourself on a position where you could move on (in life, I know you can stay living where you are) without him.

There isn't that much information to go I here. We don't even know what your relative said but it is clear he crossed the line and you didn't back your DP up as he would like. Gender reversal on this would see some very different comments from MNetters I'm sure.

On the info you have provided I'd have to say you've both handled this badly. He clearly wasn't in the mood (perhaps he is stressed by the pregnancy or something else) and angered (although I'm not sure that having the patience to withstand a significant amount of unwanted 'banter justifies him being labelled as having a short fuse). He shouldn't have got angry over something so petty but sometimes it happens.

The info you've given is certainly not enough to label him as an abuser as some have ridiculously done on this thread.

I think it is reasonable for your DP to expect you to deal with unwanted behaviour by your relatives in your home. Certainly if I was in your DPs situation I'd find it difficult (as I would be stuck between wanting to tell the uncle to f off and not causing a major issue in your family) and would want bailing out by you. I do think you could have done better in that situation.

But now this all comes down to stubbornness risking your relationship and the relationship of your dc with their father. You aren't perfect here so why not apologise for not backing him up but make it clear that his angry outburst is not the right response and he needs to provide a reciprocal apology as well. Then you can discuss how to manage these situations better in future and what both of your expectations are in terms of being supportive dp's to each other.

Two separate issues but linked in your mind...and may be. From what you describe, I'm not surprised how your DP was after putting up with the behaviour from your uncle. He sounded a total nightmare and I would not have found it acceptable in any form.

If separately and not connected to that incident you are concerned as to how he is, then you need to talk to him without the confrontation over the family BBQ. Don't suddenly decide your relationship is over unless you decide that there are fundamental flaws that make you incompatible. A relationship is formed on compromise at times as long as that does mean the compromise crosses red lines for one party

Everybody has an Uncle Dickhead in their family

Mature and secure people rise above it.