39+ weeks pregnant and been so let down by DP

[Namechange97]

I can’t believe I’m writing this. I’ve read others peoples posts before and felt so heart sorry for people in rubbish situations with partners and here I am feeling so low just before I give birth.

Bk story, I have one dd(9)with ex partner and met my partner 2 years ago. I fell pregnant whilst on pill but I thought he was different and this was my “happy ending”. Recently things just haven’t felt good. He’s so moody, impatient, snaps at slightest thing and I feel like I need to watch what I’m doing and saying sometimes. We don’t click. Maybe too similar.

Today we had a family bbq. My uncle was joking around and very annoying I admit and was going on and on about dp making more effort with extended children as he will be a father soon. Dp explained he didn’t want to join in the game but he kept on and on and dp (short fuse) decided to retaliate and say he doesn’t do what people tell him to do etc. He completely hit the roof. This is one of the first times meeting my family properly and I felt there was a more mature way of dealing with things. He’s angry at me “not sticking up for him” but I just said my piece “he’ll get enough practise soon enough” tried to laugh it off and bypass the situation. Uncle continued and said some silly things I admit. DP has told me he doesn’t want be part of family or with me when I don’t stick up for him etc. It’s opened a can of worms as I already had so much doubts. I’m lying here so upset and can’t believe I might have to be a single parent again to 2 children to 2 diff fathers so soon, how did I think this would work yet be left here feeling so down so close to the birth of dc.

Recently things just haven’t felt good. He’s so moody, impatient, snaps at slightest thing and I feel like I need to watch what I’m doing and saying sometimes

This is why the Op has felt sensitive.She is also 39weeks pg and not sure she should be sorting out a drunk uncle.

I do understand if he felt abused and you didn't later explain your uncle was out of order but if you didn't defend your Uncle then what were you supposed to do? Many people don't react quickly when in these situations but your partners response escalated it and he took it out on you.
If he had ranted about your uncle, said he would never speak to him again etc that would be understandable but he jumped to blaming you and that is the issue...he didn't let you two be a team on this.

Your uncle was seriously out of order but I don't think a heavily pg woman is responsible..this is where there is a gender difference, she will be feeling more vulnerable and so I would not expect her to jump in.

I'm with your DP on this one. He suffered relentless abuse from your uncle and you did nothing to defend him and displayed a complete lack of respect. If the genders were reversed the responses would be very different.

For people on DPs “side” I completely understand and take on board all opinions. I don’t think there’s necessarily sides. I didn’t react the way he expected, he didn’t react the way I hoped. We are different people, im more placid and thought best approach was to defend in a way I seen fit as opposed to causing a scene at a family get together for what I thought was innocent yet very annoying and over the top due to having had too many drinks. I tried to explain he’ll get all the practise he needs and he doesn’t need to go with the other children especially when no one else was joining in in the games especially all the dads and tried to end the conversation and move on. I just didn’t want it to blow up. I think my hurt was more at his reaction as it’s been on my mind how much he snaps and reacts and is quick to fly off handle and maybe I judged this on how I’d react as id have made a joke or walked away or even joined in just for the sake of shutting them up and because it’s first meeting. But we are two different people! He has said himself we are meant to be a team so I guess he was hurt by fact he expected me to jump in and I didn’t (the way he wanted) and wasn’t there when I said what I did. We are a team, I should have his back and I do but I was so focused on I can’t believe he has bit back and made it worse than it could have been, perhaps cause I’m an anxious person, perhaps because I’m 39 weeks pregnant and raging hormones and perhaps because I’m nervous this relationship doesn’t last and almost waiting for the inevitable.

I don’t think he felt abused but he was taken out his comfort zone and automatically went into fight mode which is to run his mouth off. I just want him to be a bit calmer that’s all, a bit more tactful and have a little bit more respect! We meet all sorts of pains in the bums and I’d like to think he would have enough tact not to just jump to speaking his mind and being rude every single time someone says something he doesn’t like!

We’ve both spoke, both said our piece and hopefully it’s something we learn from

It's not about being on your partner's side, it's the excuses you make about your uncles obvious abusive behaviour. He wasn't annoying, he was abusive. The alcohol didn't turn him into an arsehole, it exacerbated it. The not intervening I can understand but the excuses and the keep your mouth shut and suck it up expectation, hell no. Being passive is not rising above a situation, it's being a doormat.

Can you give other examples of his behaviour because you've been a bit vague. However, you feel the way you feel and such differences are hard to bridge if neither of you are not prepared to meet in the middle.

It's di

I think, in this scenario, you should definitely have bollocked your uncle, who sounds like a dick. If this situation had been reversed, everyone would be shouting you have a DP problem, ltb.

From everything else you’ve said, however, you just aren’t suited and need to take a step back from each other. Awful timing for you, tho.

You uncle was using 'banter' to jostle and dominate the new male in the pack, it's not rocket science. I expect being a man and proud, your DP took quite a lot on the chin rather than be baled out by you or be rude or assertive to your family, but when you didn't read the situation with emotional intelligence, he bit and did it himself. I'm with him on that one.

He's also going through the nerves of bringing a life into a relatively new relationship and everything that means, including binding himself to your family for life and on the strength of uncle dickheads obnoxious behaviour and your lack of support, he's probably not filled with optimism. I hope you can sort it but it doesn't sound like you're too well suited at the min.

Can you really not see how horrible your uncle was? Can you not see how frustrating your excuses are, banter, too much alcohol etc. I’m not sure about your family dynamic but your inability/ refusal to see how toxic your uncle’s behaviour was, coupled with your disproportionate reaction to your dp’s reaction to his behaviour, is really quite unsettling, Just look at the language you use, your uncle was ‘annoying and your DP was ‘running his mouth’.

You're on the verge of giving birth, and he's expecting you to go out to bat for him emotionally? What planet's he living on?

You've plenty to keep you occupied before and after the birth, let that be your focus.

Problems with your DP and your uncle - push them aside as much as you can, they'll keep. If something doesn't absolutely need to be dealt with just now then put it off.

I definitely would have felt hurt if I was meeting extended family for the first time, and my DP sat there making mealy-mouthed excuses rather than defending me from someone being rude to me. I would expect them to be saying "You are being extremely rude to my partner and it's not acceptable. You can either apologise and stop bothering us, or we can leave."

If a member of my family had behaved so badly, and I had done nothing assertive to stop it, I would apologise. (In fact I would apologise even if I'd said "Did you mean to be so rude Uncle? Do fuck off now." Because it's a member of my family.)

On the flip side however, you said he has been snappy and off with you for a while. This doesn't bode well and I wonder if he's slowly realised that he's created another life with you and is about to be responsible for a child for the next 18-odd years.

You do sound strong - honestly. You have already thought through what happens if he's gone for good, and you've already been there as a single mum. OK your kids have different dads, that happens, it's not a bloody badge of shame! As long as you are the best mum that can be to both of them, then you are absolutely fulfilling your parental role.

Invl

Uncle sounds like a manipulative bully who picked on the newcomer, your partner.
Hope you can both get over this and that the birth goes well.