Help I guess

[manicmummyday]

I don't know what I expect from this, I'm just a bit lost and lonely.

DH has walked out, phone off. To be honest he's never done this before, but over the last few weeks it's like something has changed.

Tonight it was he was looking for a fight, he seemed to start it out of no where and when I stood up for myself he said he was leaving, he then proceeded to leave DD and I in tears.

I've had a text since then saying he can't believe he ever loved me and he's off to his mums.

I'm sitting here, in an area where I have no one just feeling crap.

For disclosure he's having a hard time at work, but he's said tonight he doesn't lobe me, he hopes I fail at life, he hates me, wants to punch me.

I don't have the right words, but I fear if I don't hold onto the wall il fall down.

I just thought I would reach out.

I don't know what to say but I didn't want you to be alone x someone will come along with sensible advice any minute

Thanks @donutsarelife it's kind of you. Part of me is breaking down (most of me) and part of me says get a grip pull yourself together. I appreciate you reaching out, it's the first kindness I've had in a long time.

I’m sorry this happened. It sounds awful. Have you got anyone close by?

For now - Listen to the part telling you to stay together for now. Make a plan. Stick to it. Your daughter will thank you.

My dad left (vanished into thin air) and my mum was so strong. I will always remember it and my god I love her for it.

Big hugs to you xxx

@GandTthankyou

Thank you, I've no one within a 500 mike radius

It's so strange I'm so calm but so utterly heartbroken at the same time.

I think I know if he can walk out and leave us here, with no one and no communication then he's never here anyway if that makes sense.

I don't feel strong I just feel numb xxxx

Regardless of any stress he's experiencing at work his behaviour is outrageous.

You have a lot of think about in terms of managing your future / finances etc however put all that to one side for now and call in the help of someone you can trust. They don't have to be close by - you can give someone a call.

Essentially the main thing to remember is that you and your daughter will be better off without him in your lives. You both deserve someone who will love you unconditionally and treat you with respect.

Oh wow that’s truly awful. Do you think he is just in a bad place due to work and related stress and spouting nastiness to you helps him refocus all that angst? Not saying it’s right at all but he does seem to be transferring a lot of his own issues to you. Try and get some rest and start again tomorrow with a clear head and see if he is ready to engage in an adult way. Really feel for you sounds horrendous

He's in a bad place yeah, but he's been totally saying how much he loves me etc and then he just looses it.

He has a habit of blaming everything on me, I can't explain it but basically everything is my fault like absolutely everything.

I've got family and friends but its embarrassing to tell them, probably sounds silly I know

How can you walk out on your wife and child and cut all contact? I mean he's normally a rational person.

Don't worry about feeling embarrassed - talking to someone you can trust about all this will help you process it all and provide you with support that you need too. You don't have to go through this alone.

I've been there. My marriage became insufferable and I felt isolated as I was literally hundreds of miles away from all of my friends and family. It was a truly horrible feeling.

However, I realised that my son deserved better and so I made a call home. Two days later I was on a flight back to the UK and I've not looked back since.

I swore I'd never get involved with another man ever again and kept my word for 4 years. However my soulmate turned up and we've never been happier. I can't imagine life without him. My son adores him and he makes it his mission to ensure we are happy. There are better things ahead. Your life doesn't have to be the way it is now.

Do talk to your family and your friends.

How long has he had this habit of blaming everything on you?

And why is this the first kindness you've had in a long time?

What were things like before the "work stress"?

Are the other small things you haven't trusted anyone with because they seemed trivial taken alone?

How did you end up living 500 miles from any of your support network?

There is no excuse for any of the behaviour you've described (including the blaming everything on you part), and you're right in that he has clearly shown through his actions that he does not love either of you at all.

I'd wager he walked out and sent those messages because you stood up for yourself. (Do you normally?)

It's a tactic straight out of the textbook for controlling men.

They want to hurt you so that you buckle, break, and start apologising and bending over backwards to "make it up to him" for having defended yourself in the face of his unreasonableness.

Also likely to be why he alternates between telling you he loves you and then demonstrating he doesn't with his viciousness. It's designed to make you think that if you buckle and do whatever unreasonable thing he wants then you'll get the "loving" version of him back, and that it's your fault for "making" him "lose" his temper rather than that he chose to kick off to get control of you.

You are stronger than you feel. The fact you've already identified that his behaviour was out of order and not of somebody who loves you will help you get through what comes next.

Hello,

Thank you for all the posts @ShinyPinkLipgloss well done for having the courage to walk away, I'm glad you're happier now!

@Gruffalina72 so as not to drip feed, we moved for my DH job, I agreed, actually wanted to but it's just not worked out now we thought.

I guess a lot of our relationship he has blamed me for things, not to the extent that I would notice as it wasn't serious things if that makes sense?

Before work stress, there was finding a job stress, I guess he is stressed a lot.

I don't want to paint this as I'm some angelic wife, I'm a pain in the ass, probably not the most understanding of his moods.

I've not had a lot of kindness as I'm alone 90% of the week. The one time we had someone to look after DD he went with his friends to watch the football as I was home alone.

How can you walk out on your wife and child

@Gruffalina72

Hello,

Yes, as soon as I stood up for myself he walked, and your right I want to buckle because I just feel like rubbish.

I'm sitting thinking "where is he" rather than "why has he left us"

I don't know what to do, part of me wants to pack a bag and go to mums in the morning, part of me wants him to come home.

I know I should be strong, it's just hard, I feel like I've no confidence.

He clearly has other priorities!

He's made his choice - now it's time for you to make yours. Are you going to put up with this nonsense? if not - what's your plan B? Look to friends/family for help and support regardless of where they are. At times like this you really need them and they'll be there for you through this.

@ShinyPinkLipgloss

He certainly does.

I don't have a plan B, I'm not even in the headspace to think of one to be honest.

I feel like I'm looking down on me that isn't me, I would love to Beyoncé it, but the fact is I just don't have it in me

Pitiful I know, I've became dependant on someone who doesn't give a f**k.

I just don't know how to break that cycle.

I understand completely.

When I look back at myself in the last few months of my marriage I don't recognise myself either.

Imagine it this way.....you go into a time machine and fast forward 20+ years and witness this exact same scenario except you are not you - you are your daughter. What would you want her to do?

Call home.

@ShinyPinkLipgloss

Totally, I tell her to walk, run, climb away.

I don't want to sound like a broken record but it's not that easy. It's just not.

He's in the legal system (as in works) he's already told me he will make my life hell.

I got a new job, and probably the first time in a long time I was proud of myself. He told me he hopes I fail, and he's no doubt I will

The spiteful things I'm used to, but I'm his kids mum, surely me failing would hurt DD?

I don't get it, I just don't.

You can't allow yourself to live a life of misery as he's threatening you.

Think logically - when have you ever seen a father get custody of a young child? It's rare and it's in EXCEPTIONAL circumstances (such as the mother being proven to be a reckless drug user etc).

Get legal advice. You don't not have to be bullied by him.

@ShinyPinkLipgloss

I don't think he will get custody or even try to be honest, but he will stop me taking her back to my family, it's a different country.

It's nearly midnight now, he's not coming home is he?

What he wants doesn't necessarily have to be what happens.

I highly doubt he's coming home - which is good. Do you really want such a toxic person around?

Take care of yourself and your daughter. Speak to friends/family and engage with legal advice. Do what's best for you and your daughter you deserve better.

@ShinyPinkLipgloss

Thank you so much for being here and replying to my posts it's means a lot

Sleeps overrated anyway ha ha.

It's no problem. Feel free to PM me.

I completely understand what you're going through.

I lived abroad (in ex-husbands country) and shared many of your concerns.

I just hope you realise it doesn't have to go on like this. It can't. You deserve a better life than this - you only get one shot at it.

Oh girl xx

On Monday morning contact your local Women's Aid. They will help you.

Darling, you're in an abusive relationship, he is an abuser. I know it's a shock.

Believe it or not, the law is bigger than him. Just bcs hes a lawyer, or works in law, doesn't mean he owns the law and can do what he likes. On the contrary, he has to obey the law the same as anybody else.

Women's Aid will sensitively help you. Do this for your daughter

Sounds like classic controlling behaviour. Gruffalina72 has him sussed, I know what it feels like as well. Tell your family and friends -if the situation was reversed I'm sure you would want to help them. Sorry for how you are feeling, things will get better

Pack a bag, go to your mum, get some real life support and work out what you want from there. Don’t chase him. He is a stroppy, tantrumming man child. Time to keep standing up to him. He’s horrid!