Getting away from abusive partner I feel so low

[alleyesonme]

I have posted before on here I’m still in the same situation. I want to get away from my partner he is verbally and emotionally abusive. My brain is actually frazzled to a point now that I forget everything and I mean everything as I walk on egg shells everyday of my life. I went to watch the England match with my friend at the pub I never go out and the amount of abuse I got over it how I make him unhappy and why didn’t I contact him whilst I was there I was out for two hours. I’m on my own tonight my kids are at their dads house I’ve considered suicide tonight but I’m scared to do it and my kids can’t do that to them. I’ve got nothing left anymore Inside I was even scared when people were filming in the pub cos I was there even tho he was out with his dad anyway!
Five long years of this now but I’ve got hardly no friends left in really lonely he’s good sometimes but he switches on me fast and he’s narcissistic to the hilt. I feel like I’m worthless I have a good job but at work I cant concentrate either I want help I feel like screaming

I don't have a magic wand, but I wanted to let you know you were heard.

Do you have any legal ties to this dickhead? Sounds like they are not his DC. Do you live with him?

Yes we have a ties together he made sure of it. Joint business and no they aren’t his kids I’ve never had one with him despite his pleading thankfully . I just don’t know what to do I checked the date I last posted and it’s been six weeks so this is latest major abusive outburst that doesn’t mean he isn’t abusive in between those times though he is but he’s particularly bad st the moment. He twists everything so it’s my fault I never win against him. He’s handsome and charming too in public it’s a joke . I feel like I’m losing my mind

OP l realise you cannot see the situation clearly as ypou are so emotionally exhausted, but please think objectively,

First google Grey rock and disengage, let all his jibes and comments go over your head, wear headphones as much as possible with favourite music to avoid conversations, and lift your mood. Find ways to help you stay calm and practice them.

You have no kids with him....so when you go you never have to see him again.!

You have job skills. Find a way to get out or scale back on the joint business and spend the time finding a new job, don't say a word until you have one, then you can just go ......

Get a second phone he doesn't know about ( PAYG) hide it well. start rebuilding friendships by calling old friends/family members, be creative go to the ladies and have a 5 minute call/ pretend to get some milk and call, use it to get support and help.

Find a way to siphon off money and stash in a new bank account. Then when you leave and have a new job you can be paid too.

You don't mention whether you rent or have a mortgage.....

Why are you choosing to live like this when you and your Dcs deserve so much better?

I don’t know why I have never had s good support network growing up very unstable and was always eager to please my abusieb stepfather I can see I’ve mimicked my own mothers life very slowly.
If u am to long st the shop he questions me I live on a timer of life I’ve left before but I can’t cope without being controlled it’s like I can’t have freedom it’s weird it’s hard to function and he always begs me I know this isn’t normal or healthy or what I want. I just want to feel loved and secure as I’ve never had it in my life.
I want to break away I just don’t know where to start I can’t sleep and I am not eating again which is what I do when it gets like this

Suicide is not the answer it's just not. You know how they say it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem? It's so true.
I know how you feel. I really do. How you want to leave but you - it's normal to you, what you're used to which sort of makes it safe, for you. It's so difficult. But it's also so clear you need to take the first step to change it and feel better again. Sounds like you need the hospital right now, feeling suicidal and self harming (not eating/sleeping).

Contact your local Women's Aid on Monday morning. They will support you all the way. He has ground you down to such a point you can barely make a cup of tea - Women's Aid will help you. You can't do this on your own.

Thank the Lord God In Heaven you didn't have any kids with him - yay! How wise you are. When you leave him he can fuck off to oblivion.

Keep going. You can do this with Women's Aid.

He makes me feel like I am not worth being alive. I keep forgetting stuff it’s scary and then he ridicules me he stands over me like a Sargent major asking questions when he knows I’ve forgotten to do that task and I panic.
I live my life on egg shells when I’m on my own it’s worse I feel like doing something to myself to escape my feelings but I can’t because of the kids.
I went to a wedding the other week I was scared to tell him so I just got up and started getting ready and said I’m going the wedding now I didn’t say nothing all week cos I knew he would get so moody and on one because of the wedding and I couldn’t face it. He ruined my day messaging me constantly and I have to reply straight away or he won’t talk for days etc always a consequence to anything I do.
I used to be close with my mom but all that is gone now I can’t hold conversations with people close to me as I’m always thinking about the situation I’m in and am anxious all the time.
The man in the shop asked me why I’m always sad and look like I’ve been crying he asked me today he notices it and he doesn’t even know me. Just am so lost

You can't live like this. I checked the women's aid page linked in previous comments. They seem to have a 24/7 help line, I think you should ring them now.
And I do think you need the doctor asap. You sound very depressed and that's no wonder considering what you've told us here.
Suicidal thoughts are always serious even if you don't plan to act on them (and I really hope you meant you don't).

The first thing you need is some support OP, someone to help you work out a way forward. Does he work? Do you have any time to yourself when you could make calls?

I have some kind of depression last week I rang in at my job three days running and I hate calling in sick but I couldn’t face anyone and he was there telling me to go to the doctors and get signed off as the jobs making me ill like he enjoys it.
When it’s Him not my job at all , I am so glad I have my kids to keep me going. I feel like my life has always been one long struggle never any easy times or really happy times and it’s only got worse how do others have a normal happy life I want that too. I have literally been through hell in my life and he just treats me like crap which doesn’t help.
I’m 32 I. A few days he always makes sure I have a rubbish birthday and starts a row on it every year so I have that to look forward too

I work but when I get in I start work then I leave just in time for the kids I very rarely get time to myself. Like I said if I’m to long st the shops he wants to know why the questions never end and he does this thing where he questions me to catch me out.
I was at the pub thinking please no one take a pic then post it anywhere cos if he sees he will flip out.
Plus he’s done some building work on the house so the house is half done so I am screwed if he goes as I can’t afford to finish it.

It’s my house though but next year he wants in on the house hence the building works and he does all the labour so I can’t afford to get that finished without him I’ve got about a grand in my savings Acc that’s it

It would be a wonder if you weren't depressed reading about him and your childhood. It's not your job it's him (and your history you could not effect being a child).
I know what you mean. I want a "normal", happy life too. Except I still don't really know what normal is, and anyway can't do it as it gets too boring for me... and I hate it and want to change it. But for certain you're not meant to live like a prisoner for anything or anyone like you are now...!
Sounds like you have a lot of unresolved issues (and I'm saying this in a nice way, I know all about it). And being with him gathering more. You really need to break free from him. Listen to the lovely and clever posters here (the other ones). Find a way. Your way. Tell someone to start with.
About your mom. She's probably just waiting for you to get in touch again and tell her what's really going on with you. And I think you should.

Oh OP, I'm so sad to hear your story. You can do this but you do need support to help get you through it.

I also got to the stage of not thinking straight, not remembering things, confused, almost paralysed. I went to my GP first, then Women's Aid and later some counselling. They were all brilliant and helped me see the abuse I was suffering and helped me get to where I am now - in a much happier place with time to live and love my children in the way I want to that is also good for them.

It is sometimes a long journey to get free but you really can do this. Your life is worth living and it will get better. Reach out and get help, and keep posting here if you need to

You're a young woman. You're not married to him, don't have children with him and you own your own property independently of him. You've been sensible enough to not have children together, and to keep him off the deeds of your property.

So you're already in a good position. What I've said before on similar threads is that you are the stronger person here. Of course you don't feel that now, but that's because he's ground you down. But he's the weak one, because he needs to control you to be able to function in life. You don't need to do that.

You wrote that he's encouraged you to get signed off from work, and that he seems to enjoy it. These type of men do. It's another way to keep you in your place, to make you feel you can't cope without them.

Although it's so hard given the way you feel, you need to approach this in a very practical way. You know that normal loving relationships aren't like this, and that you need to leave. You need to try and ignore all the doubts and fears you have about leaving. These have all been created by him. There's no reason to stay, but probably hundreds to go. Imagine having been able to go and watch the football today with no worries about him. You could have stayed as long as you'd liked, no phone checking. That will be your life.

There's some good practical advice on here, Women's Aid is a great starting point. You need to begin to detach and disengage from him, gradually but enough to give you some head space to think.

I promise you that you can do it. So many people here have. Don't let him make you think your precious life is not worth living. You already have great insight into why you were drawn to him. This is just one stage of your life. You can change things and move on.

Thanks so much for your helpful replies it really does help to hear these things when I am this bad. It’s is very hard for your brain to function when you live with someone like this sometimes I can’t function and other times when he’s ok I’m ironing his clothes and cleaning the house like nothing happened. I wait for the massive explosion because when that happens I know I can relax for a bit till the next Episode the build up is worse then the actual event.
I know I need to get out I am just so scared to live without the control , it’s weird and also I don’t want him to go off and have this happy life without me which he says he will. He’s back later anyway :-( so back to the same old crap thanks guys

im in the same boat,im currently pregnant on mine and abusive partners second child,i feel so trapped.

i have no friends or family over here,only his. they know hes abusive and just turn a blind eye too it. but yet they sit there and tell me im part of the family,but when i need them the most they don't listen or help me.
when i go somewhere with his mum he makes a big deal about it,says i go out to look at boys. anywhere i go he makes a big deal,its got so bad that i just stay in the house just to avoid arguments and accusations. he doesn't like wear half of the time because i wear skinny jeans.
when hes with his friends he starts showing off and calling me a slut,i smell,im fat etc. hes so horrible. and even tho hes like that i still constantly feel the need to make him like me and beg for his attention. he never takes me out or our daughter and leaves us stuck in every day,but then hell be over his friends house taking him,his girlfriend and their daughter out whilst me and his own child are sitting inside isolated.

since ive been pregnant hes started hitting me. he doesn't punch me,he slaps me. both times hes done it,its resulted in me having a black eye. so i can only imagine what a punch would do to me. his mothers aware and hasn't done or said anything. i feel so frustrated cause shes the women that calls me her 'daughter',and tells me if i need anything phone her but why cant she help me get away from her lunatic son? im not being dramatic i have no family at all over here,they all live in America where im originally from. i know i cant just take his kids and im scared.

last night i locked him out and had him jump over my back gate and throw stuff through my window. i told him hes not coming back in and he said 'i wouldn't leave you on the streets would i' i told him to go sleep in his car. he then threatened to brick my window. why i didn't phone the police there and then i don't know. i ended up letting him back in and just got loads of abusive words. i was a slut,he hated me. he doesn't care about the child in my stomach. i never have sex with him but i used to jump on everyone. im a waste of space. he told me he was tinder because i tell him to leave so what do i expect? i said what the fuck,because i tell him to leave because i cant deal with this he says that's why he went on a dating app? he said 'what do you thinks gonna happen when i move out',so basically implying that as soon as we finish hes gonna go get some girl. i told him i didn't care what happens after we finish but don't sit under my roof on a dating app whilst im pregnant with your son. he calls me fat all the time then wants to go on a dating app and smirk about it!! he also brought up the fact i was molested and i want the same thing to happen to our daughter!! WHAT THE FUCK. i told him that out of confindice and he wants to say that?!! he also said to me countless of times if i got raped id enjoy it. i try kicking him out but he puts on the water works,like he has no where to go. yet hes got a family the size of a mafia and got loads of friends and a truck to sleep in!! he says he cant sleep anywhere else and i said 'so,thats not my problem!!' hes like a leech,he will not leave but sits there and tells me everyday how horrible it is to be with me!!

i wanted to kill myself,i wanted to do it yesterday but when i seen my daughter i thought i cant leave her. i was worried about where she would go,and would i really want my mother in law raising her. she needs me. i feel so confused and hurt and scared. im so scared of him,im scared of saying the wrong thing and as you said i walk on egg shells! i get scared hes gonna hear about me sleeping with someone years before me and him got together but come home and kill me. hes a psycho. im not saying all this to try and like compete with what your going through i just want you to know your not on your own:(,i feel so stuck. i just want him to go,i want to be happy! i know me and my daughter will be fine and happy without him. i just don't know what to do:( last night he was punching me but it wasn't punching i don't know how to explain it,then cause i was screaming he was covering my mouth and telling me to shut up. i thought he was going to kill me. i don't like things over my face because of him and i was panicking cause he was over powering me and covering my mouth! i wish i rung the police but i knew if he heard me on the phone id probably get hit worse.

oh and he kicks off because i had a male doctor deliver our daughter because i needed a ventouse. hes not happy that i got her out safely and me and her was okay he just wants to kick off about me having a male doctor. after i gave birth hed say all the time i like men finigering me and i wanted to have a male doctor touching me. i hate him so much,i just wanna pull my hair out and scream!! why wont he just leave!!!

i hope your okay:( if you want dm me on here if you can? we will get away from these vile men!!

i just read your comment about mimicking your mums life! i feel exactly the same, my father was an alcoholic and abusive, he slammed my mums head through a wall when she was pregnant on my sister. she finally left him when i was 3 months old but i feel like history is repeating itself! and the next boyfriend she had was the one that molested me and my sister,and i get scared:'(

Oh op and KRISTROSE....both of you have been very unlucky with your past unstable upbringings, but life CAN be better.

You have lovely children and owe them a better life, only YOU can change their futures for the better.

Leave the abusive men even though it is difficult, plan a life which seems OK... calm and consistent to begin with, take time to rebalance you dysfunctional relastionship boundaries by doing the Freedom Program and getting counselling.

Please keep posting for advice from the wise women on here who have left and can help....all of us are wishing a better future for you.

It's really hard leaving an abusive relationship. I was with my ex for nearly a quarter of a century. The end came when my daughter assaulted me in public and he condoned her behaviour. When I later told him I wanted a divorce he had me arrested saying I did something that didn't happen.

The police and everyone in custody told me to make a statement. I was referred to an IDVA and to Women's Aid. The Freedom Programme is just fantastic and I am still recieving support from my local WA. I was given the number of a specialist Domestic Abuse solicitor by the IDVA.

Later I reported an historic rape and the gears changed. I was getting confused between the historic rape and what had happened in my marriage so made another statement to the police. Since then he has finally moved out of the house.

It has all been a long time coming and a massive upheaval. My gp has been fantastic. There is still a huge black hole of the unknown ahead.

You are doing well in recognising the abuse. Please don't suffer in silence. The national helpline is always there and so are the Samaritans. I'm not out of the woods yet, but there is some progress.

OP. It's understandable that you feel you can't live without the control. When somebody has lived with something for so long, such as anxiety or depression, all you want is to escape from that situation. But being in that situation/mindset has become the norm, and will have created some coping and safety mechanisms. You don't want the control, but conversely it's what you know and the parameters you operate in.

But you can learn to live differently. As I mentioned before you clearly have some insight as to why you were drawn to this relationship. If you can manage to access some talking therapy I think it would be very helpful for you.

Kristrose : your situation sounds intolerable. Please go to the police, for your safety and that of your children. Would you consider starting a thread about your situation, you may get advice from others who have been in a similar position to you?

Kristrose I feel terrible even complaining about my situation yours sounds worse. Men always abuse more when pregnant abusive men do that’s why I’ve never got pregnant because he does push me about a bit sometimes and I know for a fact he would up the ante if I got pregnant and was trapped.
I feel so sorry for you my partners famkly know too and act like the sun shines out I fact they don’t even talk to me in their eyes I’m the one at fault in the relationship.
He’s come back today and he’s the same old horrible man he was yday. All because I took some money out the house for shopping which is my money too btw and he kicked off royal saying I should of called him for permission and that I’m a thief with money it’s my money aswell!
Krist you need to leave your in danger please msg me on here

I just want to feel loved and secure

He makes me feel like I am not worth being alive.

You do understand that this is not love? It's not being loved? It's not even being cared for? That this is not something you should have to endure from anybody?

Somebody who loved you would feel happy to boost your confidence, would be proud of you for building friendships.

People who love us try to help us thrive, they do not try to control us.

People who hate us do try to control us.

We all want to feel loved and secure. But what you've described isn't even in the same universe as love, and it can't feel that secure to constantly be walking on eggshells. Familiar, yes, but secure, no.

It frightens me a little bit that some of your posts read like you just want us to help you get through his latest outburst so you can keep enduring his abuse. Have I misinterpreted?

I can relate to what you say about have unlimited freedom after being so tightly controlled for so long can feel frightening and unbearable. But those feelings are normal, can be managed, and reduce over time.

For example, for me, I started off by initially carrying on as if I was having to live under his rules, just in a different place. So I did things the same way as he would have had me, followed the same routines, but without him there enforcing it all and hurting me for deviating from anything.

Then gradually, little by little, I would relax the things I felt comfortable relaxing. Now, I do things however I fancy and in the ways I've come to feel happy about, but it wasn't an overnight thing.mit took time, and there is no rush for you to live that way. Just because you leave/end things, you don't have to throw out all your routines and everything that is familiar.

For instance, in the beginning I kept buying the exact same type of bread he always made us have, and I used the same number of slices each day that he allowed me to have, etc. Over time I stopped in the supermarket aisle and let myself look at the other breads (which felt scary, so I waited for the aisle to be empty). Then the next time I picked one up to look closer, put it back and moved on. The time after that I bought a different bread. Then at one point I had a "wild" period of buying a different kind of bread each week. Now I have my own preference, and I decide whether I want to eat bread each day and how much. But it was a gradual process for me to feel comfortable doing that. It felt scary and awful at first, but now it makes me feel happy to be able to and to be the one in charge.

Really it is about taking baby steps going from being absolutely controlled to unlimited freedom. You can soften the landing after you leave by keeping the rules that are familiar until you're ready to start testing the water outside them. If you do the Freedom Programme at the same time and have support form Women's Aid it will help you adjust.

The important bit is that you are free from him so will eventually be able to make different choices and will not have him breaking you down and crushing your spirit.

Leaving him doesn't have to mean unlimited freedom - that part can come in slowly.

I really think you would benefit from the Freedom Programme. It really did change my life, and it helped me find the courage to leave, and the confidence to know that being loved didn't look anything like the way I was being treated. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk They do have a phone number and email address.

The thing that helped me in the early days after leaving, when it does sometimes feel worse as you've described, was to talk to people who'd been through it who could reassure me it would get easier (as you can do here), call upon the Freedom Programme, and to focus on the future beyond the transition. So how would I feel if I was still there in 10 years, with him most likely treating me even worse.

The difficulties that come in the period after leaving are temporary. They will pass. The difficulties and pain you have with him will be permanent if you stay.

That thought was worse than anything I had to go through to leave. I felt suicidal at the prospect of my life staying like that, and if you stay with him yours will stay like this. But it does not have to.

You do not have to live like this. Let people help you change it. Your life is too precious to let it be stolen by this man.

Oh, op.

Mine once told me he was going to have me sent to prison because I used my own money to top up my own phone, but failed to get his permission first. He was deadly serious (and enraged) which just made it all the more overwhelming and confusing.

Can you extend yourself the same compassion you have for others? You could have such a beautiful life, you really could.

i didn't wanna sound like i was trying to make it out like im in a worse situation,but with your relationship i can see very similar stuff that reminds me of mine and how you feel is how i feel about him. its really hard trying to leave him for some reason,i know how horrible he is and i know me and my kids deserve way better but for some reason once weve both calmed down i just feel like a puppy head over heels for him,even how nasty he is i constantly wanna get his attention and want him to like me. it makes it harder cause he is a douche a lot but ill let all of his comments go over my head half of the time. but when me and him are good its amazing but when were bad its horrible. i don't know if its cause i didn't have my father around growing up im just trying to do it for my children when i know hes not a nice person,i don't even know if im making sense. its hard to explain how i feel cause i don't even know myself.

its hard getting support too,like when i tell his mum things she doesn't say or do anything,im not saying its her fault but i do except her to do and help more to get me away from him. i think aswell cause she obviously doesn't think its a toxic relationship i think im being dramatic but i know im not his mum just wont pull her head out of her ass. if i knew my son was controlling and emotional and abusing his girlfriend especially when shes pregnant i would go ballistic,and id make sure she got far away from him! shes not even taking me to see Eminem Friday because she doesn't wanna upset him!! ive been in love with Eminem since i was a kid,pretty sure hes retiring aswell so im gonna miss a once in a life time opportunity to see him because she doesn't wanna upset her son! if it was the other way around and i didn't want him to go shed still take him! im pissed off and upset!

i know i can get help from social services but im so deathly scared of losing custody of my children,and its scary the fact someone has the authority and power to say your not a good mum and take your whole reason of living away from you:(

my boyfriend does the same,he doesn't lift a finger in the house but if i don't clean for one day im a lazy slob! its so annoying!! he was out till like 4 this morning god knows where,all i could think about was hes probably cheating:(