Going low or no contact with siblings

[OrigamiZoo]

For what reasons have you gone No/Low contact with siblings? any regrets? I'm thinking of shutting down any contact with two of mine, after seeing pictures of a family meet up I wasn't invited to, which involved one family travelling 200 miles to be in the same town as they other. I am in the same town.

My sister has been a bully all my life. She went very distant when I had children (she is childless) but I thought recently she had changed and we could go on to have some sort of relationship. I am in counselling which is helping me unravel lots of stands of hurt from my childhood.

My older brother (who travelled down) has been generally dismissive of me all my life. I actually can't think of a kind or nice thing he has ever done for me.

So I don't need these people in my life, will I regret shutting off contact?

In addition to these two, I sill see another brother who manages to bypass any family discomfort by ignoring everything. I told confided in him a few months ago that I was in counselling, we are on the brink of financial meltdown and my relationship with my partner is on the edge too. He has never asked me how I am since. That's bizarre isn't it?

There is a family event later this year so it might get awkward. I'm not looking forward to playing happy families to keep up pretences.

Can I go no contact with two of them, while still being part of a family, how does it work?

I am NC with two of my siblings and in loose contact with one sibling.

It is just utter joy to not have to see or speak to those dreadful people. I don't go to any family events and I can't express how wonderful that is.

Keep going with the therapy

I think if you asked my sister she’d say she chooses to be low contact with me because I’m any number of petty things that she’s decided I am to excuse herself of the fact she’s been a massive cunt to me since we were children out of jealousy and resentment

If I never saw her again and never knew what became of her or how she passed away I genuinely wouldn’t feel any grief or absence.

If she’s waiting for when our parents are gone to start making the effort then she’s going to be in for a surprise

Never again

I sometimes struggle with the anger that I have over all the stunts she’s pulled on me. I don’t know where to put that anger

I have seen Karma happen though

One of her oldest friends has finally seen through her and binned her off, among other things.

I'm NC with my sibling, she's toxic. I grieved the loss of her and it still hurts to a degree but I am so much healthier in myself without her in my life. I wouldn't change it for anything.

I am no contact with a sister. I was prepared to lose my other sister over it but she agreed with me, even though she has chosen to remain low contact with the “difficult” one. Our parents have passed.

Time marches on, it has been 11 years. I saw her briefly two years ago-very awkward and so no regrets. She called to announce that she had breast cancer, caught very early (and I can say thankfully). I choked out the offer- “ is there anything I can do for you?” And she declined. So there ya go validation.

I think the family events may be tricky. If you can emotionally detach and treat the difficult one with complete indifference then you are probably good to attend common events. Otherwise you can make a new habit of skipping the event she’s at and going a week early/later to say happy birthday, congratulations, personal Memorial, or whatever.

But be prepared to lose everyone. They might side with her. They might believe her character assassination of you or whatever. That is their choice and they are welcome to her. In time, they will see your position more clearly when she picks a new target amongst them.

NC with my sister, 7 years older than me. At some point I realised the way she treated me from 5+ was abusive and once I had that in my mind everything she did just made me angry. I was diagnosed Asperger's at 14, she would call me names like retard, spastic, you get the gist. She is now in a wheelchair due to firstly contracting an STD which attacked her immune system and then getting salmonella poisoning which left her too weak to walk. Can't help thinking this is some form of karma.

She also told me I was a disgusting slut when I got pregnant at 16, despite my eldest DD being a much loved and definitely wanted product of my at the time boyfriend removing the condom without telling me. Then she gets an STD through consensual unprotected sex and has had multiple abortions (not that I would judge anyone else for those things, but glass houses!)

The final tipping point was when I had an anxiety attack in a restaurant on mother's Day and she publicly humiliated me by loudly berating me for being a 'spoilt brat' at 24. The same person who left our mother facing disciplinary at work for calling her out too often for 'emergencies' (example: she wanted a lift to boots to buy a lipstick for an event that evening) and didn't speak to our dad for months because he couldn't leave work to go and pick up her new car the minute it was ready.

She is genuinely just a horrible person, left with no friends, bitter at the world. I know it's petty but I am thrilled by this. I wish nothing but the worst for her and the world would be a better place without her in it.

Bit of a rant, there is so much I could complain about when it comes to her. I absolutely hate the idea that anyone should put up with toxic people who make them miserable just because they happened to be born into the same family. I personally have my relationship with the rest of the family, she has hers. The last time I saw her was our grans 80th birthday party where I happily ignored her and told anyone who asked about her that I have nothing to do with her anymore. I'm sad that my 3 children have no relationship with their only aunt but couldn't risk her abusing them too or putting ideas in their heads.

I'm NC with one sibling and low comma with the other. I don't miss them as my relationship with them both is thin if existing at all. It did bother me before and now I just accept it. I think it will be more hurtful when my DM dies because then any news/ contact about them will stop completely.

One of my sister's is a complete narcissist like my mother. I've be low contact with sister NC with DM for 7 months.

Both just care about themselves and how they look. Think I am irrelevant and want to look after my son for their own selfish needs rather than through love.

Both treat people like crap!

Thank you all for sharing your stories with me. I am sorry so many of us have to do this. I almost want to cry when I see happy sister relationships but then remind myself it has never been like that unless I acquiesce and 'put up'. I have no qualms about my brother, he seems to really dislike me. I think it is because I didn't hero worship him as my sister did.

Both parents passed away so no issues there.

I kind of feel....almost excited about it... as there will be pain...but the relief will be huge. Does that make sense? Did you just decide that's it and never contact them again? Did you tell them of your decision? I'll have to unfriend on Facebook, which they will realise.

I might lose people, true. But those are people who never had my back anyway, so what's to lose.

I have to say, therapy is amazing. I'm with a community counselling service which is about one-third of the cost of the regular counselling, which I simply couldn't afford.

@MySisterTotallyis - I'd recommend some counselling.

I gone nc with one of my db and Sil completely since February but low contact prior to that. It’s been bliss. I have two older brothers and get on really well with the eldest. We always have each other’s back and make the effort unfortunately he doesn’t have kids but he’s great with mine.

Then I have the second eldest brother who I have zero nice memory as a child he completely resented my very existence and made my life a living hell the stories I could tell you would have your mouth hitting the floor. He lives away so it’s easier not to see him but he’s a condensing prick who loves to put me down. He’s now equally competitive as he has dc and my youngest can’t even have their birthday without them going over the top for dn half birthday. He shows no interest in my dc even when I made an effort with his.

The fail nail in the coffin with them was they expected my terminally ill father to travel 5 hours to see them when they could have made the trip up to see them, my df ended up with pneumonia and almost died shortly after his return and db still puts pressure on for him to come down when df cant walk to the shop.

My dm wanted me to work things out as did my df but as bad as felt for them I’m much happier not having someone like that in my life their is zero love loss there. They have accepted that we will never be in contact. I don’t know what will happen when my df does end up passing away but aslong as there’s no restrictions on either one of us being there that’s all I care about. My one advice is don’t let other family members make you feel guilty about going nc it’s totally your choice to do so.

There will always be a trade off. It's how you manage your thoughts and feelings.

I'm low to no contact with my siblings. Dm was a narc. Db was golden child. Dsis was favourite. Dm disliked me, she's dead now. All we'd ever done until she died was trauma-bond. Extremely toxic. Now there's nothing. Hey ho.

I deleted them on fb and he kicked off so blocked me I thought my brother was bad spitting and put snot on my knife and folk so I wouldn’t eat my dinner was bad but hearing some of these stories.

'My one advice is don’t let other family members make you feel guilty about going nc it’s totally your choice to do so.'

Very much agree. I'm virtually no contact with my brother after he screamed at me that I was an effing c word in front of the rest of the family. Rest of the family blamed me for it because I had called him out for being a homophobic wanker so clearly caused it all I had huge pressure from my parents to brush it all under the carpet and go back to playing happy families. I make civil conversation with him at family gatherings but have zero contact with him outside of that. He's a scary, angry, spoiled brat borderline alcoholic and I don't need that in my life

And yes, therapy is wonderful and helps so much

I’m in a kind of bizarre healing process at the moment with my siblings. (6 of them!) My mum passed away about a year ago and she caused massive damage between us all. For the last 25 years we’ve been very low contact. Now she’s no longer here to stir and meddle in everything, we’ve realised, actually we’re not all that awful. I miss my mum terribly but her death has been a way for us all to reconnect. (And we’ve also realised just how abusive she was)
I don’t regret the long period of nc though, I had to cut them off for my own mh. Hopefully things will now start to improve long term. It would be nice to have an extended family again.

I haven’t spoken to either of my siblings in twenty years. The best decision i ever made. I also went nc with my father but decided after a few years that I could have some form of relationship with him. We are not as close as we were before, it’s all a bit uneasy. He tries to tell me what my siblings are getting up to but I just tell him that unless they’ve died I really don’t care. And even then I’d just celebrate.

I hope things work out well for you too.

MaisyMaryy77 I totally identify with most of your post. She never gave us the tools to deal healthily with conflict, and played us all against each other. All our MH have suffered. Dd died with a stress-related massive coronary at 45. D-sis is on Ad's and given up on life. Db is diabetic and injects with insulin. He calculates intake to allow himself to eat shite. Also has had 2 stents in his heart before 50. I got off lightly. I've convinced myself it's because I've gone nc. It's mega stressful when we meet up/have phone contact. So I leave it out.

MySisterTotallyIs

I like your post, My brother has said the same about me.

My truth is that he can't see that he has done anything wrong and that his continual banter at my expense is not worth my time and effort to sustain what is an abusive relationship.

just because you don't see something the same way doesn't mean that your truth is the only valid PoV.

Ive been VLC with two of my siblings most of my adult life and have been NC with one of them for 2 years. I’m NC with our mother for similar reasons - toxic, liar, manipulative, jealous, and all round cunts in general. I have another 2 half siblings that I’m LC with - I’m much older, and they are the sort of people I wouldn’t be friends with, we have zero in common.

I just don’t have the mental energy to have any of them in my life.

I have a Step sister who I’m incredibly close to despite her being much younger and NC with her Mum (my Step Mum) .

I'm low contact with my sister after years of me putting the effort in and her just being a bit shit. She flakes on me constantly, has no interest in seeing her nieces and it really doesn't help that her DH is a bit of an arse to my Mum!

I should have done it a long time ago honestly...back when she wouldn't come out for lunch with me, Mum and baby DD1 in case I breastfed in public!

I am LC with one sib and NC with another.
Good relationship with the remaining 3 sibs (who are the same contact with the same sibs )
We had a big party for my mum recently where the two were present. I just treated them politely like you would a guest you hardly knew .
Works well for me.
My own family is the one to concentrate on and I work hard to insure that they have a good sibling relationship.
My mother raised us in the 'divide and conquer' method !!

I think family relationships tend to be overrated too. If you don't get on , move on.
Life is too short, etc.

I told her on the phone that I needed to take a break from the relationship. I said I was used up and my family duty to her was done. She had blown a head gasket at my surprise pregnancy at 45, and, no, I could not make my having a baby (3rd) be all about her.

I had been grey rock with her for years before I knew what grey rock was. Then she sucked me in as her golden —child— friend and we did a lot together. I let her have a lot of contact with my dcs as she didn’t have any. So the “friendship” was about the children and not me. She pushed the envelope and it felt like she was competing with me for my kids-biggest presents, shows, etc. (she carried a large credit card balance which I refused to do). It was fun, but the dynamic was clear that I was he subordinate and she loved the witty put downs that would make me the petty one if I complained. I knew I needed to distance myself...then the crap about my pregnancy was the enough is enough point.

I recently went NC with my sister and my life has been so quiet and stress free its amazing.
She has always been a very selfish and self obsorbed person so our relationship has always been strained.
She once called SS on me because my partner moved in with me. She had no actual concerns for my dc but said that i had no buisness having a relationship because i had dc and that we were moving far too fast (we had been together for 2 years before dp moved in)

She ended up homeless after a breakup so lived with me 100% free for a year and in that time she treated me/my dp and my home like shit and brought drugs into my home where my dc live. She then moved in with a new bf after a week of knowing him (ironic) because i refused to let her have my dcs bedroom as theres was bigger than hers.

Final straw came a few weeks back.
She called me crying and begging me to go get her as her bf had attacked her and was outside with others trying to get into the house. I couldnt get over as i live an hour drive away (and what could i have done against a bunch of men anyway?) So i called the police.
She then flipped out at me saying that it was all my fault she was going to loose her ds because there were drugs in the house when the police turned up and threatened to come over (with the men who had just been threatening her) to beat me up!
She also told the police that i was a troublemaker and was just trying to interfere
So much else has happened inbetween but this post is already an essay

I’ve had counselling, privately too

The fact is despite being VLC by choice we still share relations so 100% NC is impossible and she will still try and fuck with me

I Grey Rock the hell out of it and don’t show her the anger so it just internalises