Page 2 | Going low or no contact with siblings

OrigamiZoo · 2018-07-07T18:48:37+00:00

For what reasons have you gone No/Low contact with siblings? any regrets? I'm thinking of shutting down any contact with two of mine, after seeing pictures of a family meet up I wasn't invited to, which involved one family travelling 200 miles to be in the same town as they other. I am in the same town. My sister has been a bully all my life. She went very distant when I had children (she is childless) but I thought recently she had changed and we could go on to have some sort of relationship. I am in counselling which is helping me unravel lots of stands of hurt from my childhood. My older brother (who travelled down) has been generally dismissive of me all my life. I actually can't think of a kind or nice thing he has ever done for me. [confused] So I don't need these people in my life, will I regret shutting off contact? In addition to these two, I sill see another brother who manages to bypass any family discomfort by ignoring everything. I told confided in him a few months ago that I was in counselling, we are on the brink of financial meltdown and my relationship with my partner is on the edge too. He has never asked me how I am since. That's bizarre isn't it? There is a family event later this year so it might get awkward. I'm not looking forward to playing happy families to keep up pretences. Can I go no contact with two of them, while still being part of a family, how does it work?

MySisterTotallyIs · 08/07/2018 15:32

Boney

Oh absolutely two completely versions of events

I am very much the Wicked Queen of her story, and there’s no getting around it

It’s not true however

She believes her own lies and the reason her friend has axed her was because she painted a Dickensian portrait of a Cinderella childhood in a virtual slum that was simply a lie

After 20 years this friend visited my mothers home for the first time my sister probably having lost track of her lies, found a nice area, nice mother, nice home, and commented on it and hasn’t spoken to her since

She’s a fantasist

Ophelialovescats · 09/07/2018 10:13

I do worry about how I would feel if I heard of of the LC/NC sibs were ill or one of their kids were....not sure how I would feel or react then.

workinprogressmum · 09/07/2018 11:36

@Ophelia don't worry about it now / until it happens and you can respond with all the information available. I have chronic illness and my LC sibling gives not a jot. My NC mother is only worried about the fact my illness impacted her visitations with DS.

I just feel like if the dgaf about you / your feelings then you're entitled to behave how you wish.

Ophelialovescats · 09/07/2018 12:02

Thank you Workinprogress, this thread is very helpful.
I have always thought that family relationships are overrated . When I was little my aunts could say whatever they liked to me (usually comments criticising me) and were allowed because they were older relatives. They don't get away with that now!

HeebieJeebies456 · 09/07/2018 15:46

I'll have to unfriend on Facebook, which they will realise

So what if they do?
You've got the option of adding them to your 'restricted' list on facebook, that way you stay 'friends' but they only have access to your 'public' shared stuff.

SoddingUnicorns · 09/07/2018 15:50

I went NC with my brother and his fiancée because his behaviour towards our Mum in her last days was unconscionable, his behaviour towards our Dad during and after Mum’s last days made me into a person I didn’t recognise. And the thieving of Mum’s jewellery (anything of value) on the day of her funeral put the tin lid on it.

I’m not proud of this but I’ve gone NC because as an adult I have never, ever had the urge to physically assault anyone. But I want to smash his fucking filthy disrespectful selfish self serving fucking face in. So being away from him is the only way I can not become a person I don’t want to be.

He apparently hadn’t noticed, because after 6 months they both text last week wondering why I hadn’t been in touch

So I told them both straight to fuck right off and never contact me again.

manywanderings · 15/01/2025 04:35

I know this is an old thread but it came up on a search as I had the same question and it's helpful seeing the answers on here and realise I'm not alone. My sibling has done and said some awful things over the years. We sort of got along when my parents were older, but it was fake really. Although as usual I started to slip into thinking it was real. The final crunch came when our second parent died. The first one was bad enough - I had to keep dropping everything and traveling because although she lived nearer, she wouldn't help. The second parent was really tough as it was during the pandemic and I couldn't get there. As if that wasn't bad enough, she did and said some awful things - had her and her H shouting at me over the phone. I won't go into details but it was a defensive reaction because she'd lied about something so told her whole family it was me. It made me really ill - the shock of a parent dying suddenly and then this vile behaviour. It took me some time, with grief counselling to process everything, but it was clear to me then - I needed to protect myself. I went low contact. As in I never contacted her. If she sent an email I would ignore for a whlle and then send a very brief polite one and make excuses. So it was just birthday and Christmas cards. I didn't want to cut contact completely as didn't like the idea of that affecting my nieces and nephews. I suppose I hoped I might still have a semblance of contact with them occasionally or if one got married or something.

It's been a couple of years now and I just had a really good holiday with OH and son and was feeling quite jovial. Then I got an email. It was a general chatty one and she was being very nice and for a moment I forgot who it was from and replied in a fairly friendly way - but didn't answer all her questions. One of which was she would like to speak on the phone and/or meet up. She replied again and said she'd like to speak on the phone. And the whole lot came flooding back as if it was yesterday. That last phone call. When I knew I could never speak to her on the phone again - she always turned abusive and I always fell for the friendly invite to chat.

So I guess what I'm saying is - I think I need to go no contact, block her email - I was getting on with my life and feeling much happier in life generally. Ok things aren't perfect - we all have the usual issues in life - but it wasn't till I got that email and everything came flooding back and I feel quite ill.

But somehow I hadn't wanted it to get to this - going complete no contact. But I imagined being invited to one of her kids weddings and just knew I couldn't go and pretend to be friendly - there has never been any apology or attempt to apologise. So that was that decided - if there was a wedding I could make my excuses and send a gift. But I can't do that if I go no contact. I guess I'm just thinking it would be uncomfortable for my nieces and nephews to know I had cut myself off completely - but then if I wanted to keep contact with them I'd have to keep contact with my sibling.

So I guess I have to go no contact. And know I never have to have the bad feelings flooding back when she contacts me - because she can't. Although then she'd probably just write a letter or something. I have my suspicions as to why she wants to keep in contact but can't go into that but it's the usual mercenary reasons - probably just wants to know if I'm still alive.

But once you do it - you can't really turn back can you? I know I want to do it. But I'm not the kind of person to just cut people off.

I suppose what I'm saying is - I know I need to go no contact to protect myself and get on with my life. But it seems unfair to give up having nieces and nephews! And wouldn't want them to think I didn't care about them. But I guess they'd just have to accept it and hopefully not take it personally.

MySisterTotallyIs · 15/01/2025 12:22

@manywanderings

As this is a thread ifrom 2018 I think you would be better starting your own new one

SuckLime · 15/01/2025 14:05

manywanderings · 15/01/2025 04:35

I know this is an old thread but it came up on a search as I had the same question and it's helpful seeing the answers on here and realise I'm not alone. My sibling has done and said some awful things over the years. We sort of got along when my parents were older, but it was fake really. Although as usual I started to slip into thinking it was real. The final crunch came when our second parent died. The first one was bad enough - I had to keep dropping everything and traveling because although she lived nearer, she wouldn't help. The second parent was really tough as it was during the pandemic and I couldn't get there. As if that wasn't bad enough, she did and said some awful things - had her and her H shouting at me over the phone. I won't go into details but it was a defensive reaction because she'd lied about something so told her whole family it was me. It made me really ill - the shock of a parent dying suddenly and then this vile behaviour. It took me some time, with grief counselling to process everything, but it was clear to me then - I needed to protect myself. I went low contact. As in I never contacted her. If she sent an email I would ignore for a whlle and then send a very brief polite one and make excuses. So it was just birthday and Christmas cards. I didn't want to cut contact completely as didn't like the idea of that affecting my nieces and nephews. I suppose I hoped I might still have a semblance of contact with them occasionally or if one got married or something.

It's been a couple of years now and I just had a really good holiday with OH and son and was feeling quite jovial. Then I got an email. It was a general chatty one and she was being very nice and for a moment I forgot who it was from and replied in a fairly friendly way - but didn't answer all her questions. One of which was she would like to speak on the phone and/or meet up. She replied again and said she'd like to speak on the phone. And the whole lot came flooding back as if it was yesterday. That last phone call. When I knew I could never speak to her on the phone again - she always turned abusive and I always fell for the friendly invite to chat.

So I guess what I'm saying is - I think I need to go no contact, block her email - I was getting on with my life and feeling much happier in life generally. Ok things aren't perfect - we all have the usual issues in life - but it wasn't till I got that email and everything came flooding back and I feel quite ill.

But somehow I hadn't wanted it to get to this - going complete no contact. But I imagined being invited to one of her kids weddings and just knew I couldn't go and pretend to be friendly - there has never been any apology or attempt to apologise. So that was that decided - if there was a wedding I could make my excuses and send a gift. But I can't do that if I go no contact. I guess I'm just thinking it would be uncomfortable for my nieces and nephews to know I had cut myself off completely - but then if I wanted to keep contact with them I'd have to keep contact with my sibling.

So I guess I have to go no contact. And know I never have to have the bad feelings flooding back when she contacts me - because she can't. Although then she'd probably just write a letter or something. I have my suspicions as to why she wants to keep in contact but can't go into that but it's the usual mercenary reasons - probably just wants to know if I'm still alive.

But once you do it - you can't really turn back can you? I know I want to do it. But I'm not the kind of person to just cut people off.

I suppose what I'm saying is - I know I need to go no contact to protect myself and get on with my life. But it seems unfair to give up having nieces and nephews! And wouldn't want them to think I didn't care about them. But I guess they'd just have to accept it and hopefully not take it personally.

Edited

The problem is as soon as you cut contact with your sibling, you WILL lose your nieces/ nephews. they will never choose a relationship with you over their parent, and in my experience this doesn't change with age. No matter how horrible their parent may be they will ALWAYS choose them and your name will be smeared and slandered to make sure you look like the bad one. It's the painful but truthful reality of having horribly toxic families - even the innocent parties get dragged into the mess.

manywanderings · 15/01/2025 18:42

Yes I think I've realised that now. I will try and put it out of mind but it has knocked me for six a bit just when I was happy in life. Maybe I'll just remind myself not to reply to any email I receive straight away - give it some time, and ignore, and then remind myself to only send something very brief and polite and not tell her anything about our lives. I don't want her intruding mentally. Even just asking questions. And I'm sure if I did cut contact she would just post a letter. So I'll leave it as low contact for now. It just catches you unawares when you're happy and getting on with life and drags you back. I can't tell you some of the awful things she's done - and not just to me - to our parents (RIP).

My name has already been smeared with her own family - they are grown up and I think they don't really believe it, but are aware there is an issue between us and of course they are loyal to their parent. I don't have any direct contact with them personally but it affects minds if you do a complete cut off. They would feel like they'd been cut off too.