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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

*sit on thumbs* how long to leave it?

33 replies

Sillysausage12345 · 07/07/2018 19:27

Evening guys,

Feeling a little bit low this evening, it’s beautiful out and everyone in my social circle seems to have plans. Oh well I’ve done a bit of poo picking (horses) and now laying infront of the fan to cool down. Messaging MN to stop
Me from sending silly texts.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I met this lovely guy in London, I did something which I have NEVER done or even contemplated but I kidnapped him back to mine where we spent the night, nothing happened, he didn’t try anything, he was a complete and utter gentleman... only I had to drive him
Back home to next day which was an hour away.... Sad

Kept in fairly regular contact since, he works a lot, big social group, always doing something.

He came over to mine last Thursday and we had pizza, wine and generally a lovely evening. He’s been out the night before was feeling bit delicate and I said we could rearrange if he wasn’t feeling his best but no, he came over, we dtd although I had in my head I would try and wait a bit longer but I just feel so comfortable in his company. I hadn’t had sex got over 6 months before this so I was a little nervous, he knew this.

Anyway, he spent the best part of Friday here just lazing around, he had a meeting at 1pm so left about midday. All fine. However I’ve not heard anything from him since and I don’t want to text and cave in and I SO didn’t want him to be the rule but the exception.

I feel a bit rubbish with the whole thing as although you can’t possibly know someone within the first few meetings and over text I just didn’t get that vibe from him. On the first meeting he declared his love for me and proclaimed he was going to marry me, he even saved himself as husband in my phone. There was just a connection there that I don’t want to ruin!

We chatted about his mates, family, past ex’s, he showed me where he works and I just sooooooo don’t want to listen to the negative voice in my head.

I’ve had a shit couple of years and have lost all confidence and self esteem and completely screwed it with my last “bf” because he was sooo full on and I freaked out so I’m trying to stay calm and collected but this is all new to me and I have NO idea what to do or what to say and when to say it.

Him not contacting me Is fine, it’s just how long do you leave it before you leave it you know????

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/07/2018 19:31

He was love-bombing you so that you'd sleep with him. It's a horrible thing to do because you're left wanting him back and feeling bad about yourself. Delete him. Bloody "husband" - who does he think he is?

Original poster
Sillysausage12345 · 07/07/2018 19:32

Oh do you think??

This happened with my last bf. Ffs

Oh well. I’m clearly rubbish at this sort of thing, I thought I was good at judging characters but clearly I’m not. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillysausage12345 · 07/07/2018 19:34

The husband number thing was a joke, nothing to be taken seriously I probably need to add.

OP posts:
Oddcat · 07/07/2018 19:34

I would send one text with something that he has to reply to , then leave it if he doesn't respond.

Original poster
Sillysausage12345 · 07/07/2018 19:38

Weekends are busy for him as his in bar/hotel trade. I don’t think I heard from him last weekend either but I’m usually quite busy it’s only because everyone has plans this evening that I’m sitting at home feeling shit about myself.

I’ll try and wait till Tmz eve, I need to instill some boundaries for myself and try and keep my head straight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillysausage12345 · 07/07/2018 19:40

This is all new to me, I was in a long term relationship all through 20s, we split and ex was married within 5months, since then I’ve bee “single” with nothin long term and this is probably only the second guy I really like... the other one defo love bombed me.

So I’m going to try my best to let this progress at a normal relaxed rate but I’m completely at a loss of how to act in situations like this!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/07/2018 19:45

But saying he wanted to marry you and calling himself "husband" sounds lighthearted, but when you factor in the rest of it, it's not, is it? He said that and then had sex with you and then didn't get in touch. I imagine you were quite flattered and pleased by what he was saying. I also imagine if you spoke to his past girlfriends, he'd said the same to them. Some men are such twats.

SgtFredColon · 07/07/2018 19:48

Do you mean you haven’t heard from him since yesterday??

Original poster
Sillysausage12345 · 07/07/2018 19:52

Yes this is my issue, I need to CHILL OUT. I’m just so not used to this dating thing.

To be honest I’m petrified to getting hurt again and being disappointed but not having a text for just over 24hours is ok... isn’t it... I just need a bit of reassurance.

I’ve never had to deal with this before, my long term ex lived 5mons down the road (still does) so being an hour away is new to me too.

Yes I’m a nervous wreck but I actually finally feel ready to allow someone into my life... I’m just shockingly bad at handleing it all... if that makes sense...

OP posts:
babycow38 · 07/07/2018 19:52

O m g I haven't dated in years but can see
1, you are needy
2, he is a player
3, come on love!!!!
4, all the above

Original poster
Sillysausage12345 · 07/07/2018 19:53

Handling *

OP posts:
WhoWants2Know · 07/07/2018 19:54

Keep sitting on the thumbs, and if you haven't heard by tomorrow morning then delete his number.

SgtFredColon · 07/07/2018 19:54

I know it’s hard but don’t write him off just yet (unlike other posters have suggested). One day is nothing especially if he works at weekends.

Original poster
Sillysausage12345 · 07/07/2018 19:56

Haha I am defo not needy, I have no qualms in giving anyone the boot I’m just sick of getting it wrong and being taken for an idiot. I live a independent life, I don’t need anyone to support me in an sense of the word but having a man to cuddle in the evenings wouldn’t go amiss sometimes.

With him being a player, I’m not sure, he defo doesn’t come across like that and I’ve come across my fair share. Like I say this is all new to me so my judgment may be well off but I just didn’t get that vibe.

But thanks for the input.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillysausage12345 · 07/07/2018 19:57

Yes I think you’re right, leave it till Tmz and see what happens. I know the hotel was fully booked this weekend and he’s having manager issues so having to fill in for the time being.

I need a slap, I don’t think this one is a bad one.....

OP posts:
UrsulaPandress · 07/07/2018 20:01

Concentrate on your horse. They never let you down.

Oh hang on ...

TwentySmackeroos · 07/07/2018 20:03

I imagine any hotel/bar is extremely busy with folk watching football. Chin up, love, we all trust our instincts and hopefully yours weren't wrong and you won't get burned. And if he turns out to be a frog, well, i hope you had fun kissing him. Try to stay busy on here, or catch up on some Netflix Flowers

ChristmasFluff · 07/07/2018 20:04

Fact is, men who like you don't leave you hanging. Case in point - many years ago I gave someone the wrong number accidentally. I only found that out when he showed the the paper I'd written it on (I drunkenly missed a number) a week later. All he knew was my profession and where I lived and my first name. We had DTD the first night we met, I'd thought he was a one-off, oh well. But no, he tracked me down - before Google (1986 in fact).

I'd love to tell you we are still married, but no, he was a total player and heroin addict who messed me about for a full 6 months before I ditched him for good. they were a fun 6 months though, tbf!

So yes, if your player can't even be bothered to text, I'd let it lie. Even players worked harder in the olden days!

WallisFrizz · 07/07/2018 20:08

Sit in your thumbs full stop. Do not text. At all. If he likes you he will be in touch, if he doesn’t, you’ve retained your dignity and made him doubt himself a little bit because you didn’t chase him.

You’ve already slept with him (fine by the way), you don’t have to act any more keen than that. Do not text.

Original poster
Sillysausage12345 · 07/07/2018 20:08

Ahh thank you, a little bit of perspective does go an incredibly long way.

I’m know people men and women can be arses sometimes but surely there must be some decent ones left?!

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 07/07/2018 20:10

OP - I find that with people that it eventually works out - you don’t need to play games or pretend.
So - text him if you want to say hi.
It doesn’t make a difference!
There isn’t the who-text-who-when-rule.

If he lost interest - he won’t reply. And you’ll know.
Or, he may be busy.

No need to sit there and wonder. We aren’t teenagers anymore

lasttimeround · 08/07/2018 08:00

Text him if you wanr and see. I get tired of the game shit of not texting like it makes any great difference to thdcfventusl outcome.
I thought he was sounding ok until you got to the marry and husbdnd bit. Classic player imo. Esp making with the big declarations then dtd then no contact. Doesnt bode well.
But if he was nice and it was fun can you not just let it be what it was rather than feel bad it wasn't more?

LyndseyKola · 08/07/2018 08:37

On the first meeting he declared his love for me and proclaimed he was going to marry me, he even saved himself as husband in my phone. There was just a connection there that I don’t want to ruin!

What the actual fuck!

Have you messaged him since he left?

FocusOnMePlease · 08/07/2018 09:29

Play it cool if he works in a bar text along lines of " hope the rowdy lot didn't keep you on your toes after Englands win yesterday- was your place really busy/ did you get to see any of the game? " Thats not needy or desperate, its a normal passing comment with a simple question for him to respond to. He might be waiting to hear from you! If he doesn't respond THEN consider he was just playing you. Don't write him off just cos you haven't heard from him in a day when you are not even exclusive.

Chippyway · 08/07/2018 09:57

Oh my god people - seriously?!

The guy hasn’t text her for 24 hours and you’re telling the OP he’s leaving her hanging and she needs to forget about him. I think you’re all needy not just the OP!

He doesn’t HAVE to text you. You’ve met him twice. If somebody I’d only met twice expected constant contact or got stroppy because I never text them in 24 hours I’d be getting a restraining order and thinking wtf

He has a life. He’s working. It’s been 24 hours. He barely knows you and is not obliged to text you

If he’s interested then he’ll text you. Or, ya know, you could text him first? But Jesus Christ you need to chill out woman.