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Original poster

Been together 12yrs,2 children why wont he marry me !!!

52 replies

majic30 · 14/08/2004 22:42

Been with mr unromantic 4 12yrs, finally hes made a will after constant nagging,mainly for the children sake, Nothing has my name on it and he wants it left that way. i know he thinks i,l take him for every penny but im not like that.
He had a ONS 3yrs ago which really hurt me, as i was harrased by the person and eventually retaliated which was totally out of character.
I sometimes feel like packing my bags as he seems to live in his own little world building his little empire,all i want is a bit of commitement with someone who feels the same way, hes only ever told my he loved me when he got found out. Please can some one open my eyes!!!!!!

OP posts:
tammybear · 15/08/2004 16:29

I havent really got anything to suggest, I just wanted to send you hugs. How do you feel about him, if you dont mind me asking?

Original poster
majic30 · 15/08/2004 20:06

Love him to bits and hes great with kids and he does lots around the house when prompted.

OP posts:
tammybear · 15/08/2004 20:19

have you spoken to him about how you feel? if so, what did he say to you?

Flossam · 15/08/2004 20:26

Sorry whats ONS mean?

mckenzie · 15/08/2004 20:37

one night stand I think

tammybear · 15/08/2004 20:39

yeah it took me a while to figure it out too

MeanBean · 15/08/2004 21:46

Why do you want to marry him? What does it mean to you? And why doesn't he want to marry you? What does it mean to him?

harrassedmum · 15/08/2004 22:26

Does he not want to marry you as you'll be entitled to his 'empire'? Why are you not on will? I think you would certainly be entitled after it! What are his good points?

MummyToSteven · 15/08/2004 22:28

how are things with money generally with dp? do you feel that dp controls your relations with your friends/family at all?

aloha · 16/08/2004 10:38

H won't marry you because he's greedy and suspicious, which is nice. Is your home in joint names? Do you inherit anything if he dies according to his will? The legal position of cohabitees is slowly changing due to case law so you may well have more rights than you think, but your position is still pretty weak compared to a wife, as I'm sure you realise. I feel for you. I would find it hard to live that way too.

ernest · 16/08/2004 11:13

he won't marry you because he doesn't need to. He's living with you, he's had the kids, he gets his own way (by the sound of it). He's had it all, so why should he bother?

He doesn't sound very nice, caring, trusting or committed, even after 12 years. Do you both work? Have you got a safety net/ independant securtity in place? I can't imagine being with someone for 1 year, never mind 12, and never mind having kids, if they don't love you, or even say they do.

Sounds like a serious reevalutation of the situation is in order.

What do you mean by building his own little empire?

motherinferior · 16/08/2004 11:48

I am sorry. I am not married, but my DP has no problem telling me he loves me and in fact if I really wanted to get married he'd probably be up for it. So I think the marriage issue is part of a total one, not about marriage on its own IYSIM.

MummyToSteven · 16/08/2004 14:13

agree MI. a lot depends on the context of the relationship, and the way the parties treat each other financially and emotionally.

aloha · 16/08/2004 14:30

I certainly agree that being married won't mean he will be a more romantic or nicer person, and it won't make him love you more. But refusing to get married because you prefer to have all the money and property in a relationship to yourself and don't want to make any provision for your partner is not a good sign for any relationship.

Original poster
majic30 · 19/08/2004 16:36

Intersesting to see what everyone thinks really.
we both work, im part tm, have our own bank accounts,i pay my own way and tend to buy childrens things its a standing joke really because he thinks that the family allowance pays for all kids things !!
when i used the word "empire" he feels that as hes worked really hard to but his own place im not makin off with it. But i know that if i wanted a stake in any of it i could but it doesnt bother me.
I suppose i want to get married for security, for my kids as they ask questions all the time its topic of conversation for them in the house. I just feel that this relationship maybe a little one sided ? and i dont want to be feeling the same way in another 12yrs time. thanks for the advice

OP posts:
aloha · 19/08/2004 21:09

Do you jointly own your home? If not you really are in an insecure position.

MeanBean · 19/08/2004 21:19

Sounds to me like you have an incredibly unequal relationship. I pay for all my kid's stuff, too, but then, I'm a single parent. I thought one of the advantages of a partner was supposed to be that you didn't carry the financial burden of children alone. Can't see the point of having one if you do, tbh.

Sorry to be so brutally frank, but I'm always so shocked to find women carrying the financial burden of children so totally when they are supposed to be in modern equal relationships. It makes me mad.

wild · 20/08/2004 11:33

You say if you wanted a stake in it you could. Well I should, honestly. I am in similar situation only for 3 years not 12 and I'm seriously contemplating not making it 4, and these issues are a big part of it. A partnership's about sharing, not what's mine and what's yours. For me it wouldn't have to be marriage necessarily but yes, you are entitled to a share what you have built together. And yes maybe he HAS worked hard to buy 'his' own place but I bet you have worked hard too to support the family through and you both need to recognise and value this. Sorry if I come across as militant but personally I work full-time run family and am living in 'his' house permanently skint and I'm getting angry, we may take on caring role and provide for children out of love but that's no reason it should not be recognised - it should not be regarded as a subservient role but a very important one. MeanBean has given me serious food for thought here and elsewhere. It comes down not to marriage or to money but to basic respect and appreciation. Unfortunately with my dp respect is measured in £stirling - this has meant that my making financial sacrifices to put the family first has actually made him respect me less, I feel! While I hoped he would learn from me about love and putting others first I now plan to take some lessons from him about selfishness and cash!! (joke). My main point is please don't undervalue yourself as others may take you at your own valuation. LOL x

Tortington · 20/08/2004 13:14

dont marry him for material possessions. you need to sit down and draw a line in the sand - either put my name on the house hunny or am gonna go for a council house and thats where your kids will be brought up. i mean really majic - people - all people will take the piss as long as you let them. as far as i can see the only person who should be pandering to the other is your fella cos he shagged another woman. and tell him so.

sobernow · 20/08/2004 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jasper · 21/08/2004 02:59

Don't know if this helps but maybe he feels like me?

I don't want to get married. Or more accurately I don't want to get divorced.The only way I can make sure I don't get divorced is not to get married.
I was married before. Never ever expected it not to last. (won't go into details here) Still makeds me cry nearly ten years down the line.
Made NO financial claim on exhusband (very rare I believe). Subsequently bought my own house. Current dp now shares it with me, and we have three kids. We have our ups and downs but are reasonably happy and have no intentions of splitting up. If we did, don't think it is fair that he should have any claim on the house I worked very hard to buy before we ever met ( he was stoney broke and had debts I paid off). He is hopeless with money. All our day to day finances are joint.He wants to get married and it is a bone of contention between us. It's not that I don't love him. I do.
Will it last forever? I really thought my last marriage would!
Does this help at all?

sobernow · 21/08/2004 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aloha · 21/08/2004 22:05

Yes, but Jasper, presumably Majic will have the children if they split up as she is their primary carer, yet she and the children will be in a very weak position regarding a roof over their heads. I don't know how a man can feel proud of himself in that case. It gives him all the power in the relationship, while she does all the caring. Just not fair.

ChicPea · 21/08/2004 22:52

Agree with Ernest, why should he when he has everything he wants without marrying you - sorry to be blunt.
I would worry about security as well and would agree that seeking advice from the local CAB would be a good idea. Did wonder though if he/you took out a life policy so that you and the children would be provided for. Something to think about...
Re: the ONS, I think this happens more than we think (I hear stories from my DH about his friends or friends of friends) and while it's horrid, and changes the relationship, its about sex and sex only. As least it didn't turn into an affair which can result in the partner leaving.

jasper · 21/08/2004 23:39

Problem is many of you are talking about "security" which I assume means in the event of them splitting up. This is exactly why he might be so keen NOT to get married - the law's idea of security / her rights might not be the same as his! This does not mean he is a heartless so and so who would see her and the kids without a roof over her head!

Many men (and women )nowadays fear being completely shafted in a divorce, and it is a completely reasonable fear to have.

In a nutshell, some women (or men) want to marry more or less in case they split up. This is exactly the same reason their partner may NOT want to marry!