Do I confront him???

[ruth184]

So, this morning I found a thread of messages on my husband's phone (I know I shouldn't have looked but I was intrigued!!). Anyway, turns out he's been moaning to some girl about our lack of sexual activity. Talking dirty and there were a few explicit messages back and forth. He went away a few weekends ago to a festival and one of the messages said that if he'd got an offer of sex while he was there he would have jumped on her!!
I feel sick and don't know if I should bring it up with him. I know it was wrong to go through his phone but nonetheless we shouldn't be hiding anything from each other, right??
Should I confront him about it and admit I was snooping??
What would you do????

Yes! Of course confront him that's disgusting, I wouldn't even stay with him

Really don't feel bad for going through the phone. Turns out you were right. Do you have children together. Are you married?

Sorry just realised you said husband.

Yes. We're married and we have 3 children together.

Confront. Then boot the fucker out.

If it were me I would chuck him out but then I could do this without it affecting my living situation. You should definitely confront him.

Confront him and then call your solicitor.

Do you think there is a problem in your marital sex life? Does he have a point? Feeling frustrated and feeling tempted are normal for humans, no? Do you ever talk about how satisfied each of you is with this area of your relationship? If you want to save your marriage I’d start by initiating a conversation about how happy he is in the marriage right now and see where it goes from there.

If he has a problem with their sex life, I doubt very much that discussing it with other women behind his partner's back is going to help matters

Sure, but maybe there’s a reason he doesn’t feel able to bring it up with the op.

God why do people come on here and be purposely obtuse?
Like PP said, discussing his sex life with another woman isn't likely to help. Nor is cheating on his wife at the first chance he gets or sending dirty messages to some random. Get a bloody grip.

Bloody hell, what does he think he's playing at. How could you
not confront him after seeing with your own eyes what a sly dog he is, op.
There'd be no excuses that could ever justify that behaviour to me.
Sorry you're going through this, op.

You need to comfront him ..his behaviour is disgusting

What do you hope to achieve by confronting him?

Profuse apologies, promises never to do it again, and reassurance you've misunderstood?

Will you ever trust him again?

Tell him to fuck off and move out, what a pile of shit he is.

I am not really in the position to kick him out as his wages pay the rent and I'd struggle to manage on my own. And there's no way I'm leaving him with my kids!!
Our sex life is dismal and we haven't really been intimate since conceiving our 3rd child which was over a year ago! I just don't have the drive I used to and with him working late and me working and seeing to the kids I don't really feel up to it. I know that's a typical excuse but he could have spoken to me about the way he was feeling.
I don't think he has cheated on me or would and jeapordise his relationship with the children but there is a lack of respect in what he did.
I don't know what I want to achieve by confronting him apart from the fact that I feel sick and could do without feeling this way.
I'd like to think it's a way we could sort out the issues and move forward but right now I feel completely disgusted.

He hasn't cheated this time but he will.

You'll only have yourself to blame for the way you feel as well.

Why don't women realise they deserve more?!? It's fucking infuriating. Who battered your self esteem so badly you think this is the kind of relationship to confine yourself to?!

I’m not excusing his behaviour, but I am saying that you’ve only got two options: - give up on the relationship (which might mean splitting or living miserable separate lives under the same roof); or talk about what’s gone wrong, then if he’s sorry forgive and move forward (which will require you to talk to him about this). If you do nothing, he will eventually have an affair and that will be harder to recover from.

If you have a suspicion then why not go through his phone? Otherwise you don't know what kind of person you're dealing with and if there's truth in why you feel there might be something going on! I never understand people who say "no sympathy, you went through his phone", well good thing because he obviously had stuff to hide and his wife wouldn't have known and carried on normally with their 3 kids while he's sending horrid messages to random women. I'm sorry this has happened to you OP and I think you know what you need to do to be honest. Boot him out & tell him good riddanc.

Riddance*.

OP has this lack of intimacy for 12+ months ever been discussed?

If not then I imagine frustration / resentment etc has been building - try and get the discussion going, you don't necessarily need to confess to snooping through his phone although he may put 2 and 2 together.

It sounds like the usual advice of 'boot him out' isn't practical in your situation. I wouldn't assume it means he's definitely going to have an affair either but you need to have a grown up discussion about it.

Agree with those advising a proper grown up discussion about the lack of intimacy and trying to work through solutions. Don’t listen to the automatic boot him out LTB brigade

You can't have a "proper grown up discussion" by yourself

This bloke has already proved himself an immature jerk

It is a shame you feel you have no choice but to continue the marriage given what he has done. I think you will need some serious help to get through it and to be honest whether you will ever trust him again is doubtful. The reasons why things went as they did are totally understandable but it underlines the risks to relationships when that happens. Having said that he is to blame for his disgraceful behaviour

The OP hasn’t said if the lack of intimacy over 12+ months has ever been discussed , and if it never has then the bottled up resentment may be the reason for his behaviour. That’s not to excuse it.

It’s easy to say ‘boot him out’ but for a lot of people it can’t be as easy as that - at least try and discuss it first before making a fundamental life decision.