Is there anybody out there?

[columba6]

I can't sleep and just wanted to reach out.

My 18year marriage is on the buffers. My husband says he's got nothing left. There is no connection.

He's self employed and goes where work takes him so for most of our union he's worked away. Coming home at weekends.

He's gutted that he's not seen the kids grow up. They're 17 and 15.

He says he doesn't really know who he is. What he wants. He just knows he hates the life he lives. He's in therapy. If I mention I think he's depressed he disagrees. If I suggest seeing a GP, he won't go. Don't even think he's registered with one.

In practical terms I just keep my head down and function. Ensure kids are good. Go to work. Come home. Repeat.

I have no family aside from my kids. Friends are consumed with their own lives and I feel so alone.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so alone.

You say lots about how unhappy your husband is, but don't say nearly so much about how you feel.

Do you still love your husband? It sounds as though you still want the marriage to continue, is that right?

I do want the marriage to continue. We're arranging counselling. I've said best case scenario, for me, is to work through issues and come out other side better, stronger, happier and together. He agreed up to the last point. He says that we may not be together at the end of it all Why bother if we're both expecting different outcomes?

I guess I feel frustrated. We've both been good at prioritising the kids. Perhaps, at the expense of "us". Guess I believed that he'd get work closer to home at some stage and we'd see life improve. If s definitely a challenge when you both get to the end of the week exhausted.

.

We both come from families if divorce and dysfunction so potentially we saw each other, when we first met, as kindred spirits. Probably, with naive views of love and relationships.

Over time, because he works away. The geographical distance doesn't help. In some ways, life continues as normal and then every weekend we pause to be together.

Says he's in so much pain from spending years away. Think having time on his own allows him a lot of time to contemplate the shortcomings of his existence. I'm in pain too from living a life, raising great kids but essentially on my own.

He's developed bad coping mechanisms to deal with the loneliness he feels of being away. Online connections that he knows aren't real but I think are like a virus in our relationship.

You two need to go on a lovely weekend by yourselves. Get your marriage back, or at least find out if there's anything to save.

Monty27. We just had a family holiday that we cut short to come home. He left to go back to his flat (for work) 3 days earlier than planned. Said he couldn't understand why I was so upset. (I'm upset because I think my marriage is crumbling). Why is he so unemotional?

Im sorry but i think you should be looking out for a third party

Taking some time out for just the two of you, without the kids, sounds like a good idea. You don't have to go mad, just a few lunches or evenings out together would be a good start.

It sounds as though you're very committed to working through the problems in the marriage, but it's not clear how much your DH is prepared to do to make things work.

What explanation did he give for cutting your recent holiday short?

Does he intend to sever the online connections he's made?

I'm sorry but it sounds like he has already checked out and fully plans on separating but doesn't want to tell you straight.

I would put a plan together to cover yourself.

It also sounds like he has plenty of opportunity and his own flat so are you sure there isn't someone else?

If u are feeling bad about being away you wouldn't stay away further?

I'm sorry and I could be way off but there's nothing wrong with being prepared. What is your gut telling you- do you think he actually wants to work things out or is he doing the groundwork to leave?

Remember you are important too and deserve to be treated with respect regardless of what is going though his head right now.

there's nothing wrong with being prepared

Agreed.

LEMtheoriginal. Appreciate what you're saying and I've gone round that, with him a zillion times. The online stuff feels like there's not one individual but that he's looking for a "connection". What he needs is fri MD's I think. The nature of his work and changing locations every 6 months or so makes everything a bit more challenging.

He says he spends his time at work or rattling about on his own. He's lonely. What I think his he's essentially a married man with a single man's life until the weekend. Don't see that changing any time soon unless of course, we are no longer together.

Typeracitve. He's committed to seeking help to make sure we're both happy I guess whatever the outcome. But for him if happiness turns out to be separation and divorce then so be it. For me, that wouldn't be happiness.

We agreed 3 potential ways forward:
Do nothing and wait and see how things go. This is worst option as we both recognise we have needs to be met.
Separate / divorce - to me they are the same thing.
Evolve the marriage and work on it with some help.
We chose the last one.

Cutting the holiday short was a result of his own exhaustion, unhappiness and stress of being unable to unwind. The discussions we were having when we spent time together, without kids, ended up going round in circles and ultimately got us nowhere.

In hindsight, sometimes, because he spends so much time away, the last thing we should do is then go away again but you book these things so far in advance you don't know what circumstances will be.

Typeractive.
The online connections he says are more like friends. Not sexual but have offered advice and connection in some way. They share some common ground. In this instance, it's kink and feeling shame.

SilverLiningSomewhere
We visit the flat. Kids go down and his relatives do once in a while. There's no sign physically. Mentally though he's not sharing.

I wish I knew where to start in preparing. There is no one to help. I don't have family beyond kids and don't have friends where we actually live. They're dotted about the place. So when I think about that. When I stop to think about a different life. I freeze. The sense of loneliness is palpable. I've been with him for 23 years. Almost half my life. It feels like a huge hole that won't be filled.

We are both tied up in every facet of life. Shared ownership of our company. Shared financial input to that company. Shared bank accounts. It's complicated.

SilverLiningSomewhere.
The working away thing was never our plan. The nature of his work just means there is little opportunity where we live so in order to provide for us, he has to go where work takes him and that's down South. He says he continually looks for work up here.

I've said look for something less senior that would at least get him back closer to home but, I suspect his ego isn't keen.

Could you move down south?

I can speak from experience of onlibe "connections " it is addictive and poisonous. Escapism. He owes it to you to just stop and i doubt he can do that while effectively living alone.

The internet us a wonderful thing but has ruined many lives

What’s he in therapy for if he’s not depressed and hasn’t seen his GP? What type of therapy and how did he find it?

The online connections he says are more like friends. Not sexual but have offered advice and connection in some way. They share some common ground. In this instance, it's kink and feeling shame.

So he has ‘friends’ online he’s discussing his sexuality and sexual fetishes with? Let me guess, it’s BDSM stuff you’re not really into and he feels ‘sex shamed’ for being into it?

LEMtheoriginal
Kids just sitting exams so wrong time to move for now. I've said I would when they go on to whatever they do next. Again, there is no certainty in where work will take him. So I could move to X and he'd end up in Y.

LyndseyKola. You're on the money.

LyndseyKola. I'm not 100% averse to some adventure but I'm well aware of my own boundaries.

He’s having emotional affairs, and cheating on you OP. If it hasn’t turned into physical sex yet, which it could easily have done if he’s away all week.

Being into kink doesn’t mean you get a free pass to talk about your kinks and fetishes with others outside of your marriage. Have you been aware he’s doing this for a while, have you been tolerating it?

I’m into kink, much more than my OH, though he’s open minded and more than willing to play.

But there are extra things, more intense, taking it further that I’m into but we don’t do, because I would never wanna do anything my OH isn’t really into.

I don’t use that as an excuse to find men online to fantasise with or talk about it with. Guarantee you he’s getting his rocks off while he does. Because being into something sexually doesn’t mean you have to do it, or talk about it, or find others who like it too.

Is he trying to paint this as some kind of ‘this is my sexuality I can’t change that and I need to fulfil it and if you don’t let me you’re shaming me’?

LundseyKola. I
Yes and no. He says he doesn't know who he is.

I suspect some connections have been sexual. Sadly. And for me it is infidelity. He seems to be able to differentiate between the "unreal" (but in my mind real enough) connections.

I get where you're coming from in terms of not harming the relationship and your partner. I'm just not sure my husband thinks the same. I agree with you in so far as if you want the marriage to continue then find what works to do that. Not find what will break it.

LyndesyKola. The shame belongs to him. He's carried it with him before we met. The shame is about sex full stop in any of its forms.

LyndseyKola. When he's tried to talk about certain things my reaction has caused him to shut down. To no longer try to discuss what ticks our boxes. I wonder how you can got to our ages (to close to 50 for comfort) and not have an idea of who you are?

How are you feeling now op?