Keeping a child secret from the family

[eternalsunshinemymind]

Hello, I’m in dire need of some advice.

In a rather shocking turn of events I’ve just found out that my sister had a baby but is hiding it from her family. I’m not sure I would call her estranged, as she has still had contact with family during this time and there was no point of cut off, but she clearly doesn’t want anyone to know she was pregnant and now has a child.

This is obviously a very heartbreaking and confusing situation. My feelings are all over the place at the moment and I can hardly get my head straight. It’s just so unbelievable.

I’m caught in some strange moral dilemma, and I would love to hear what other people think, I’m not a parent myself so it’s hard to put myself in others' shoes.

First, I’m unsure if I should confront my sister about this. She has obviously kept me out of the loop for a reason, and I’m not 100% sure why that is, but perhaps I should just step back and leave her alone. However, I think the reason she has cut me out is she is afraid I’ll tell our mother.

I have a good relationship with our mother and I don’t know what to do about it. She is a grandmother and she doesn’t even know it! I feel like I have an obligation to let her know, I don’t even know how I can face her, with this piece of information, and willingly keep it from her.

But what good would it do to tell her? My sister wants to keep her out of her life, so our mother will never see this grandchild. This will probably destroy her! It will make this situation worse! And my sister would never forgive me.

On the other hand, if I don’t tell her it will tear me up inside and there is a good chance our mother will find out on her own, even further down the line, when the news will be even more devastating. I feel like I owe it to my sister to keep this a secret, but on the other hand, she never told me about it either so do I really owe her anything?

If she had told me that she had a child but that I must not tell our mother, then it would still be a moral grey area but I could at least try to understand and respect her point. But instead this news is now 100% my responsibility to deal with.

I feel very stuck in the middle with this information and I wish I could just erase it from my mind.

What do you think you would do in this situation? Would you try to talk it out with a sibling that obviously wants nothings to do with you? Would you tell your mother she’s now a grandmother? Or would you just sit on the information forever and let it eat you up inside?

I am literally losing sleep over this.

Wow.
You don’t seem to have considered the reason(s) why your sister is not in contact with the family, or at least you haven’t shared them in your post.
Clearly there must be some negative family dynamics, issues in her relationships with you all, and I find it strange that you haven’t mentioned anything, as surely it must be relevant.
Your attitude just sounds a bit off from your post, you sound absolutely outraged at your sister and don’t sound as if you’re trying to understand her POV.
It’s also blatantly obvious that you want and intend to tell your mother, which you say yourself is probably why she didn’t tell you in the first place.
If you want to salvage any kind of relationship with your sister, try considering her point of view and don’t tell your mother.
Your sister doesn’t owe any of you anything. Maybe she feels your mother hasn’t earned the right to be in the child’s life? Just a guess.

I didn't feel it was right to bring any family drama into it because it's very one sided and I'm very much in a middle here, it would be wrong for me to make presumptions about the situation between them. You would only get my point of view. Like I say, I can't understand her situation because she hasn't spoken to me about it, if she had, they situation wouldn't be half as bad.

I am trying to see her point of view which is why I haven't run out to tell our mother about it yet and wanted to ask for advice.

I guess I am angry but also in shock, I never saw this happening.

Sorry, I understand my sister doesn't want anyone to know about it and doesn't want my mum involved, but I'm just so lost with what to do with this information.

I am under no circumstance hoping to get them back together, I would never meddle that way, I just want to know if I should tell our mother or not, or if I should try to talk to my sister about it even though it seems she has cut me out as well. Or, just keep it to myself. That was an option. I wasn't trying to disrespect anyone, hence not bringing personal feuds into it.

Well it’s difficult to advise without understanding the context and having an idea of her reasoning even if it’s just your guess at this point.

It is difficult to know what to do, but perhaps you could send your sister a message saying that you’ve found out she’s had a baby, congratulate her and wish her and the baby well, and say something along the lines that as she hadn’t told you, you guess she didn’t want you to know, and ask if she wants to talk to you about it or would prefer not to? You could reassure her that you won’t tell anything if she doesn’t want you to, but I think you should only say that if you are sure that you can keep the promise. It is a difficult secret to keep but I do think it might be the price to pay for the possibility of a relationship with her. Difficult to say without context though.

won’t tell anyone (or at least not your mother anyway!)

Im sorry you have been put in such an awkward situation. But As conflicting as the situation is, unburdening yourself to your mum will only help you feel better but potentially have far reaching consequences that even you yourself have said you don't fully understand.

There is a reason your sister has kept this pregnancy a secret and that is her prerogative. Something which I personally feel you must respect. It is for your sister - the mother of the child in question - who determines who is involved in her child's life.

Thank you, that is roughly what I wanted to say when I said my first option was to confront her about the situation, I should have been clearer but my post was so long. I'm happy you said almost the same of what I was thinking of saying to her, I just worry she has shut me out so much it would be deeply unwelcome. Clearly she would prefer me to stay out of it completely?

There's NO grey area it's none of your business!

People very rarely go low or no contact without damn good reason and certainly when there are big events involved.

Your keeping us in the dark when you clearly have at least an inkling why your sister has cut you and her mother off is frankly insulting. I suspect you know we would side with your sister rather than that we are incapable of viewing it objectively and understanding at least a little of her side of it.

When I had DD I had NC with my SD my sisters father for 7 years I h@d known him nearly all my life (still NC) my family asked if it was okay to post about her on FB Incase he or someone saw or tell my uncle about her. This meant the world to me as they respected my decision for NC I personally did not care as I wouldn’t speak to any of them no matter what they said at this point.

It sounds like your mother if she found out would force contact to see her grandchild rather than trying to fix relations with her daughter first, I would be honest and speak to your sister and tell her that you won’t mention it if she doesn’t want you to as it’s not your place to tell you DM.

Even just talking about it to other people helps a lot as I worry I will make the wrong decision and make things worse, which I don't want to do. It's just helping me work through my choices.

This is not a situation I thought I would be in. I'm also sad because I feel like I've lost a sister because up until now we were a little out of touch but not arguing or anything.

Why do you need to do anything? She has chosen no contact, and hasn't informed you/them- leave her alone.
She knows where you all live, presumably?

Is she’s hiding it from family, then how did you find out?, have you spoke or messaged your own sister in the last year?.
It is a horrible thing to do going NC and hiding stuff but I can understand why. I have also been the middle one between family who are NC with kids. Unfortunately I was the one who was asked do you have a photo of baby 1 and baby 2, how old are they, can you pass messages on. It got rather upsetting and awkward so someone stepped in and said remove my her from this, it’s nothing to do with her. God knows how I’ll explain it all to my son when he’s the right age, he’s not going to realise he can’t talk about a certain family member in front of other certain family members.

If shes*

I'm not going to speculate about their disagreement, I don't want to take sides myself and I don't want the internet to either based on my vague description of what might have happened. Sorry. Say if one of them was the one in the wrong (as if it is only ever one person?): would your advice really be different? If my sister was the one who had done bad things shouldn't you still consider her feelings/wishes? And if you were a grandmother, wouldn't you want to know? What if you found out years down the line and that other people had been lying to you? Would you have preferred to have dealt with the truth sooner rather than later.

I think it is clearer what to do now. I really wanted the opinion from other mothers as other people I have asked haven't been able to look at it from this perspective. Like I said, I was honestly lost and confused. It has been very shocking to me.

I honestly doubt our mum would force herself into the situation though, she does try to respect my sister's space... we all do. But I couldn't be 100% sure she wouldn't so I do think it would be risky to say anything (and very hurtful too, like I said).

@eternalsunshinemymind

I really do think that is the right way to go. As a mother I know that if I had issues with certain people (or they had issues with me) and I wanted no contact between my child and them, I would be very hurt and angry that someone went against my wives and was passing information on about my child.

Really sorry for the crap situation you have found yourself in though! I hope for you all that with a little time and perspective that the situation sorts itself out naturally

*wishes not wives

Oh eternal I didn’t mean to sound harsh but I meant more like trying to get info, photographs,messages...trying to contact when unwanted etc. if your sister was in the wrong then when you speak to her about not telling DM if that’s what she wants you can tell her that a child can help start relationships again. A new life in this world can be a new start,

It should be her choice though. X I’m sure it’s hard being in your situation x

You say talk through your choices, but if you want to salvage any kind of relationship you don't really have any. As the mother, she gets to decide who is in the baby's life - not you.

You seem to brush off the family history, so you either don't think it's important or are on DM's side, which is probably why she kept it a secret from you.

I think if you want to salvage a relationship with her, message her. Give her your congrats, tell her you found out about the baby, let her know you are there for her and that you won't tell DM and leave the ball in her court. If you intend on telling DM, don't do the above but don't expect a relationship with the sister after taking her choice away from her.

If it were me, I'd tell your sister that you know, and I'd also tell her how you found out. I would absolutely not tell your mother, that's not your decision. I would make it clear to your sister that is the case and she can trust you.

It seems regardless of how she reacts, she had no intention of you or your mum being in hers or her child's life so you might find that she shuts you out, because that was what she had intended to do anyway.

Your sister has the right to decide who has contact/access to her child and if she doesn't want her mum to be part of that, then it's really her decision.

Whatever the family fall out has been, it must be incredibly serious and I highly doubt your account of it is vague in any way. I am fairly sure you know exactly what has happened.

Thank Cheesenacho, you just bought to light how awkward it would be to be the one in the middle of a situation like this, and how ongoing it would be.

I really don't like being in the middle between them and our mother knowing really would make it worse! It's much clearer now that saying anything will absolutely do no good to ANYONE! Even myself, I will always be stuck here no matter what (unless they make up) and it would be best to just let them grow further apart. I think if I say anything everyone gets hurt.

I know I have angered people, but it was honestly SO much information for me to take in all at once I wanted to know what some strangers thought of the situation. Thank you for all your help! I'm able to see things much better now.

I agree with previous posts, if your sister has chosen to hide this side of her life, she will have her reasons. You say you don’t want to take sides, which means you must respect her wishes.
I’d send her a mail letting her know you have found out, congratulating her and make it clear that you do not intend to tell anyone. Don’t leave her worrying that you’ll tell or you may drive her further away.

I don't think it would be a good idea to even talk to my sister. As many have said, she has the right to choose who is in her child's life (honestly understood that and never believed our mother would really try to interfere, but if I have 1% doubt she would, then it would be wrong to tell her! which I think it is), and as such, it would be wrong to stick myself into the situation, she would probably be more at ease if I didn't know. (or: she didn't know that I know)

It's just a shame because I wish I could have a relationship with her in the future but I worry the longer she keeps this a secret the harder it will be for her to come out to anyone and say, 'hey, lets sort this problem out, I want you in my life again'. It's mostly me who has been incognito recently and I worry she took that as a sign I wanted her out of my life too. I don't know. I was just struggling with depression and was hiding from everyone!

Also, thank you, you have all really helped me process this.

I did always have a nagging "your mum needs to know" voice, but you have quietened it quite a lot. This is why I needed all your help! I know it will be best for everyone to pretend I don't know, even if it is painful to do so, it'll get easier.

Maybe you should message your sister to say, "sorry I have been out the picture, things have been full on for a while (obvs it's up to you exactly how much you tell her re MH) how about a coffee to catch up one day next week?" No mention of babies or secrets, just a very light text/email

BigGrannyPants Good idea. I might try to keep it simpler as I don't want to pressure her. Odd thing it just before I found this out I had written a card to her, was going to send it the next day, and then all of a sudden I found this out and felt completely cut out. I then didn't send it, maybe I will anyway. Weird thing is we did exchange some super casual texts initiated by her just a month ago... I only just remembered that.