Deceit, bare faced lying and lying after swearing the truth was absolute

[bewilderment]

Hi - bit of a lying problem, hoping for some good ranges of advice on what to do about this so I don't stay married to Pinocchio.

Have been married for 8 years, very happily, with some beautiful young kids. Everyone describes him as a lovely guy - other mums in the playground gravitate round him like catnip as he knows how to change the baby's nappy, is witty and charming.

My recent experience has been that a sociopath has invaded my marriage. As things have come out of the woodwork.....hidden friendships with a colleague who sends him porn videos and racist videos (FFS), a secret emotional affair with a female work colleague, using cuckold porn when he had agreed he would no longer use it several years ago. Cruising on craigslist for cuckold couples in the neighborhood...but only to look apparently.

I'm angry that he has damaged the intimacy of my marriage in so many ways. He swore to me this week that he had answered all my questions truthfully, but turned out that Pinocchio is still lying. Caught him out re meet ups with woman at work. Given the relentless lying, I don't see a way to put a marriage back together. How could he have been this different person the whole time? That weird thing happened tonight, whereby in a moment your partner and best friend becomes a stranger. I take it that separation and divorce is on the cards - can you come back from deceit, bare faced lying, promising never to lie again and then diving straight back in for a real porker in the same conversation?

No, you can't. You need to get rid of this man - he'll destroy your mental health, otherwise.

You can trust a theif but not a liar. Divorce really. Nothing to be gained analysing this over and over again. Put your energy into sorting out your new life.

Yuk get rid of him. You have lost respect from him and I hardly blame you. What exactly are cuckold couples? Swingers?

can you come back from deceit, bare faced lying, promising never to lie again and then diving straight back in for a real porker in the same conversation?

I have to assume that it's theoretically possible. Can I cite a single example where it's happened? No.

Liars called on it lie again. From your outline, this is a pattern of lying, infidelity, and betrayal.

Whatever you decide, I wish you peace of mind and heart.

Reading your post haunted me the exact same thing has happened to me this week. Found out about a 7 month affair with a woman at work. Me too married 8 years 2 young kids. My life is in pieces and my heart broken. I can sympathise totally. The ongoing lies and so many chances to realise what he has but continue with it is what has destroyed me. I feel i could have potentially bounced back from a remorseful one night stand but the ongoing deceit is unforgivable. This is not the man i thought I knew. If you're like me your brain is trying to find a way to fix it and restore to normality where in reality I know he's gone forever I hate him and what he's done to our family. I'm so sad for the kids. It is so so hard. I hope you're ok.

Seems to be so many break ups this week??? ...After a very unexpected turn of events I am leaving my long term DP. Just 48 hours ago I worshipped the ground he walked on, and now it's all over.

For similar reasons (not as extreme) as yours OP. The trust and respect has gone and so now I'm going to focus on me and making a good life. I hope you do same

Eeeeeeww. What a slimebag. Get him gone.

Ok, pls take it from someone who knows and who only saw sense after 36 years - NO, this leopard will not change his spots.

Awful-so sorry to hear this.Please leave whilst you still have your sanity/confidence&self-worth..been through exact same thing,forgave,trusted &moved on so many times over years til i didnt even know who i was&what i was doing..10yrs on&i could never live with another bloke again..it couldve destroyed me but instead just my trust.

Thanks for the replies and support.

This is difficult because I have no evidence of physically cheating on me, and don't think he would have found the time given busy life. This was an emotional betrayal and what seemed to be starting to create a 'secret life' in last few months. My wariness comes from his inability to stop lying about details, which becomes another nail in the coffin when I uncover it. eg in this example with emotional affair with former work colleague I asked him if they ever spent time together alone eg lunch, dinner etc. He said absolutely not. Then I found 2 texts arranging to meet up and asked him wtf. He sais he had 'forgotten' about those occasions and they didn't matter anyway as he didn't see them as a problem.

He was a good husband and a great friend. I simply cant reconcile this pathological liar with the honest, decent man I've shared my life with. I suppose my question is really.......does the lying make this marriage pointless even if he wasn't lying to cover up something huge?

Wolfywynnie - what happened? I'm sorry you're going through something similar.

Wildernessie - does it destroy ability to trust someone else in the future?

Hollowtalk, Coughie, Floradoranora - strong opinions, but I understand. Trust is the foundation of all relationships and so much lying, so easily, and for very little reason is horrifying to me given how honest I had believed our marriage to be.

OP sorry you're going through this

The lies, although don't seem to be covering something huge, are definitely enough. It's the weird sense of control people like this have which manifests itself in pointless lies and secrets. You're doing the right thing by leaving, he doesn't respect you and an emotional affair is not a downgraded affair, it's every bit as awful as a physical affair.

Even his decision that those 2 forgotten meets ups weren't important rings alarm bells for me. Run for the hills OP, you deserve better than this x x

My first H looked me the eyes and swore he wasn't having an affair when he was. And I believed him so completely that when he did confess all, a few weeks later, I was absolutely shocked. And what finished our marriage off wasn't the affair, which for various reasons I could understand and even forgive, it was the fact he looked me in the eyes and lied to me. That was the bit I couldn't forget.
Some women get past it - maybe in time you'll be able to. There's no need to rush anything. I really feel for you - it's bloody hard.

A previous poster hit the nail on the head. I think in these situations we try to think in a way of justifying their actions to make things normal again.

Sadly, from experience it doesn’t work. I have just started divorce proceedings and it’s breaking my heart. My husband also lied, and is still trying to win me back, still lying! It’s heartbreaking because I have had to come to terms with the fact he is not the man I married. He is not who I thought he was at all and now 17 years together has meant that all I’m doing now is trying to make sense of it all. It’s hard but truthfully you won’t trust him again and you’ll never have peace mind and there is a lot to be said for that x

Peace of mind

OP strong opinion based on practical experience of this type of man. And yes they can mask it for a long time before the genie to be well and truly out of the bottle. But by the same token they have a knack for choosing partners who themselves aren’t as emotionally intelligent as they could be and it can take them having an emotional growth spurt for them to finally understand what they’re dealing with and make changes in their life.

Oh and make no mistake. Three people are not mentally ill. They have a personality disorder and there’s no fixing it.

Some people are so accomplished at lying and so used to it, it becomes their everyday reality. Personally I despise habitual liars because it means nothing they say or do can be trusted. And if there isn't trust but rather constant doubt, it will have a big impact on you OP. I have to say I would want out at this point. You only get the one life and I wouldn't want to spend it with a consummate liar!

Could it be true that he has only lied to protect me or because he wants it all to go away? That's what his excuse was - saying he hadn't spent time alone with her / going out for lunch etc was just a 'little lie' because he didn't think it mattered and he wanted it to all go away so we could try and fix our marriage.

It seems that when there is no trust left and he knew the consequence of more lies, to have continued to do so (for whatever reason) seems like a lot more than a little lie. It feels like everything.

No, the lying is to try and have his cake and eat it. He doesn't want the marriage to end but he wants to have his "freedom" on the sly.

Please don't ever ever try and kid yourself that the lying is for anything other than his own ends.

In a weird way he's probably telling what he thinks is the truth about why he lied.

He lies to you. He more than likely lies to all these other people he's lying to you about.

From the experiences I've had with these types of people - he will be lying to everyone about everything. He tells people what he thinks they want to hear so everyone is happy with him and he can carry on doing whatever he pleases. He comes first, always and it's all so ingrained he can't see it's all for his own benefit - oh, I didn't want you upset translates to I didn't want to deal with you upset with me, not because your hurt pains him.

He's is extremely unlikely to change.

Thanks all.

Treesybreezy, I think thats a very interesting view, and absolutely correct. He doesnt like confrontation of any type and the fact he wont talk to me or tell me the truth shows he is continuing to put his feelings first. He even told me earlier that he deleted all work instant messages and calendar invites for lunch from her as soon as I found out about their relationship - he had been deleting texts as he went along.

Those arent recoverable, so I will now never know what the basis of their relationship was and how far it went. He took that away from me and I cant accept not knowing because all he will ever do is tell lies about it. I have to assume it was a full blown emotional affair, moving towards a physical affair. He kept the relationship secret for years. Im so angry, just deeply deeply angry and hurt that he took away my chance to try to trust him by deleting everything they sent to eachother. My whole life has tipped on its head and I dont know how to keep going.

OP - you are hurt and very angry at this point.
So - you probably don’t want to hear any other points of view.

For what it’s worth - I don’t think he is a sociopath.
And having some things private and personal - is OK in a relationship.
You sound like a person who doesn’t share that belief - so, Instead of confrontation, he just quietly indulged in that. That’s about porn, btw. (And I do think controlling that part of a partner personal life doesn’t ever help a relationship)

As to his emotional affair - that’s hard to say what went on.
Why don’t you talk to the woman?

OP he wont change. Once a liar always a liar and thats from experience!

OP you can't believe what he says any more because the trust is broken. He's already cheated, emotionally at a minimum and possibly physically. I think once someone has cheated they are unlikely to stop, he wants to have his cake and eat it and will find a way, no doubt lying to you and anyone else to suit his needs.