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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Aibu to this is unfair?

32 replies

JellyBeanQueen1 · 06/07/2018 11:22

Me and DP are TTC. We've had a few issues in the past year with miscarriages and me being very down in the dumps about it. But we are still very happy together and he's a great man.

This weekend it's one of my friends birthdays and she's decided she wants to go into the city centre nearest to where we live for drinks in the day time. Now I'm really not a massive drinker nor do I enjoy going into the city at all. It would absolutely not be my choice of thing to do but my DP is working this weekend and I've felt pretty shit this week so was looking forward to seeing my girl friends and letting my hair down a bit which I told him.

He's now said that he 'didnt think I was that type of person' and how he thought we had more in common than that. He doesn't want to commit to a child with someone who's just going to want to go out and get drunk with their friends when it gets too hard.

He has children from a previous relationship and according to him his ex was very much like this. Got bored when they had kids and left him alone to look after them whilst she went out. I know she cheated a few times and this is why he eventually left her.

I feel like he's unfairly projecting his past onto me. I very very very rarely go out and now he's made me feel like some teenage clubber because I was thinking of going to a bar for a few hours with some friends for a birthday.

I also don't want him to change his mind about TTC because it's what I want so badly and we have a brilliant relationship. I was really surprised when he said all this.

I know he's been hurt in the past and I understand it must be hard for him to get over but I really think it's unfair of him to compare me so much. I'm not the same person as his ex and I feel like he's already convinced himself of what's going to happen when we have a baby and that I'll change because of his bad experience with someone else.

I've had a really shit time this past year and I know getting drunk isn't the answer but I was really looking forward to just having a little fun this weekend and now I don't feel I can.

OP posts:

notanurse2017 · 06/07/2018 11:25

Your partner is a controlling arse. Does your knowledge of his ex come purely from him? If so I would assume that he is lying.

HollowTalk · 06/07/2018 11:26

Does he have a habit of spoiling things for you?

HollowTalk · 06/07/2018 11:26

And does he ever go out with his friends?

HollowTalk · 06/07/2018 11:27

If I were TTC and my partner showed this side of him, I would take a break from it for a while to make sure he was the right guy for me.

Sometimes when women TTC they lose sight of the fact the guy isn't the right one, because they just want that baby.

Trinity66 · 06/07/2018 11:28

I also don't want him to change his mind about TTC because it's what I want so badly and we have a brilliant relationship. I was really surprised when he said all this.

If anything it should be you rethinking having a child with this man. Once you do you're tied for life and I wouldn't ignore these warning signs, it's a glimpse of controlling behaviour. Trying to cut off your supports system other than himself is a bad sign but a very common one in controlling Partners

HollowTalk · 06/07/2018 11:28

Does he ever suggest that the child support he pays his wife is spent on her going out? When he has the children, does he mention to you that she goes out?

Original poster

JellyBeanQueen1 · 06/07/2018 11:29

No not at all. He's never acted this way before which is why I was surprised.

He really isn't an arse. I think he's dealing with hurt from his past that he doesn't know how to express but I don't know how to help him with it without stopping doing what I want to do.

He was the one who told me about his ex yes. And I'm very mindful not to believe everything which is why I never say a bad word about her. We actually get on okay. I have been to a family event where one of her friends were and they brought up the cheating so I do know that it is at least partly true. I know people exaggerate when it's about an ex though so I'm not completely niave.

OP posts:

Original poster

JellyBeanQueen1 · 06/07/2018 11:31

I don't know about his ex now or how often she goes out. He doesn't mention it to me in the current just about when they were together.

He doesn't go out at all. He works really hard and pretty much every weekend. We've been out together a couple of times but he doesn't ever just go for drinks with his mates. He doesn't drink at all really.

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 06/07/2018 11:32

I don't know how to help him with it without stopping doing what I want to do.

Definitely don't do this anyway, it's a slippery slope. If I were you I'd sit down with him and tell him that you are not his ex and you don't appreciate being given ultimatums and having the fact that youre TTC held over you as a threat. Tell him that he needs to sort his head out or else YOU will be having second thoughts about having a baby and staying in a relationship with him

HarshingMyMellow · 06/07/2018 11:32

When you have a child together it's only going to get worse.

Go out, enjoy yourself and take time to think about what your partner has said to you.
When someone tells you who they are, listen.

WildIrishRose1 · 06/07/2018 11:34

I think his attempt to make you feel guilty over ONE night out is very strange. Questioning your relationship? Comparing you to his ex? I agree with PP and would put the ttc on hold, while you take a good hard look at this man. Do you really want to commit to someone who overrreacts like this? It won't get better if you give in to this emotional blackmail.

Original poster

JellyBeanQueen1 · 06/07/2018 11:35

And no he doesn't mention anything about maintenance. He's a very good dad even she would be the first to say that.

He pays her and has done since they split and has the children 3 nights a week and bases it all around her work schedule etc... They work very well together as co parents actually.

I don't think it's about that though. I think he has trust issues which he's struggling not to project onto me. Which I can understand but also can't let dictate what I do.

I guess I'm asking how to help him with it without stopping living my life too?

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 06/07/2018 11:39

I guess I'm asking how to help him with it without stopping living my life too?

The only way to help him is by helping him to see that he's the one that needs to change his behaviour not you, maybe suggest he sees a Councillor? Changing your perfectly ok behaviour is only going to tell him that he's right to be acting like he is and it will isolate and make you unhappy and you will start to resent him so no good for any of you or your relationship or your baby if you go through with it

Cricrichan · 06/07/2018 11:47

Yes controlling and you'll eventually change your behaviour so you don't annoy him. I was cheated on by my ex but I still trusted my current ex. My current ex is massively insecure and controlling so I ended up rarely going out without him or the kids. I never did anything wrong yet got accused of affairs.

Original poster

JellyBeanQueen1 · 06/07/2018 11:47

That's what worries me Trinity. Giving him a green light to do this again.

It's really weird I mean I have been out locally with friends before and he's been absolutely fine. Dropping me off and picking me up telling me to have a good time and he's glad I'm getting out of the house.

It's just this time because I'm going into the city that he doesn't like it.

He mentioned about the football being on and there being loads of men there all drunk and trying to talk to me etc...

I could understand more if it was a case of 'id worry about you getting hurt if there were to be fights going on with the football etc...' it was his comments about me not being that type of person that upset me.

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 06/07/2018 11:56

I know it's hard to be rational when you want this baby with him so badly but seriously what he's said to you is awful, threatening you with not having a baby, the thing that's made you need a night out and support from your friends unless you do as he wants, that's really bad.

Popchyk · 06/07/2018 12:04

Why does he drop you off and pick you up when you go out without him?

And why does he think he gets to tell you what to do on your day off? It is none of his business what you do.

It all points to a controlling person. You can't help him. He doesn't actually see anything wrong with his behaviour - he thinks you are the one who should change.

Original poster

JellyBeanQueen1 · 06/07/2018 12:08

Popchyk he does that because I ask him to so I don't have to get a taxi. We share a car and my friends all live in the next town over so he drops me off and picks me up (or I get a taxi back occasionally if I'm later than usual) to save money.

I do understand what you're all saying. I never thought of myself as someone who would let myself be walked over. It's just difficult when you're here in RL and I genuinely don't see him as a controlling person in any other aspect of my life. This is the first time I've ever even thought his behaviour was a bit bizarre.

I've been in an abusive relationship both emotionally and occasionally physically and honestly I might sound niave but he is nothing like my ex. I firmly believe that.

I think he's shown me that he does have some issues but I don't think I could define him as a controlling arse just from this one incident because it really is the first time.

OP posts:

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 06/07/2018 12:10

If his ex was so bad, I assume the children live with you/spend a lot of time with you?

Original poster

JellyBeanQueen1 · 06/07/2018 12:12

They are here 3 nights out of the 7. The days change every week to fit her work schedule so it could be week nights or over the weekend.

Honestly this has nothing to do with him as a father. He's a good one. He does a lot for his kids and a lot for his ex to make sure they have what they need.

OP posts:

Popchyk · 06/07/2018 12:21

So tell him that he doesn't get to tell you what to do on Saturday. That you'll do exactly as you see fit given that you are an adult.

Or do you not want to tell him that?

Original poster

JellyBeanQueen1 · 06/07/2018 13:01

I have done in perhaps a softer tone.

But I also love him and don't just want to dismiss the trust issues he's clearly displayed. I want to help him through it rather than just saying 'well sod you I'm doing what I want'.

I suppose all I can do though is to do what I want to do and probe to him along the way that it doesn't mean I'm going to hurt him.

OP posts:

mogratpineapple · 06/07/2018 13:47

Alarm bells

Thingsdogetbetter · 06/07/2018 14:00

How is a new baby going to fit into his mega work schedule? Is this why ex cheated? Not saying it was a good thing to do, but was he always working weekends? How is childcare going to work? I presume he sees himself continuing as he does now and you doing 100% child care. Who looks after his kids when there are with him? You or him?
How does one night out suddenly turn you into some drunken hussy he won't want a baby with? I won't want a baby with someone who makes such snap decisions because of his past wife's behaviour. It sounds like he has very rigid ideas of the perfect wife and mother, and until now you've been within those boundaries. Step outside them and suddenly you're a drunken slag he doesn't recognise. Alarm bells sounding and red flags waving!

Cricrichan · 06/07/2018 14:08

I love going out and partying and have always done so (I'm 48). Not once havw I had a one night stand or kissed anyone I wasn't in a relationship with. I've been drunk lots. Going out and having fun and enjoying it doesn't make you a hussy or change your personality.

I'd be very wary of starting a family with this man.

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