Aibu to this is unfair?

[JellyBeanQueen1]

Me and DP are TTC. We've had a few issues in the past year with miscarriages and me being very down in the dumps about it. But we are still very happy together and he's a great man.

This weekend it's one of my friends birthdays and she's decided she wants to go into the city centre nearest to where we live for drinks in the day time. Now I'm really not a massive drinker nor do I enjoy going into the city at all. It would absolutely not be my choice of thing to do but my DP is working this weekend and I've felt pretty shit this week so was looking forward to seeing my girl friends and letting my hair down a bit which I told him.

He's now said that he 'didnt think I was that type of person' and how he thought we had more in common than that. He doesn't want to commit to a child with someone who's just going to want to go out and get drunk with their friends when it gets too hard.

He has children from a previous relationship and according to him his ex was very much like this. Got bored when they had kids and left him alone to look after them whilst she went out. I know she cheated a few times and this is why he eventually left her.

I feel like he's unfairly projecting his past onto me. I very very very rarely go out and now he's made me feel like some teenage clubber because I was thinking of going to a bar for a few hours with some friends for a birthday.

I also don't want him to change his mind about TTC because it's what I want so badly and we have a brilliant relationship. I was really surprised when he said all this.

I know he's been hurt in the past and I understand it must be hard for him to get over but I really think it's unfair of him to compare me so much. I'm not the same person as his ex and I feel like he's already convinced himself of what's going to happen when we have a baby and that I'll change because of his bad experience with someone else.

I've had a really shit time this past year and I know getting drunk isn't the answer but I was really looking forward to just having a little fun this weekend and now I don't feel I can.

Wake up @JellyBeanQueen1 !

Add a baby in to the mix and you will be in a bloody hostage situation. This is about control.

You are a grown woman. You go where you want, when you want. He is dangling the TTC carrot over you to get you back in line.

The occasional lift to a place is great, but he regularly drops you off and picks you up? Where is your autonomy, your independence from him?

You clearly do want to go out with your friends, so why do you preface your post like going for a drink in the day time is akin to an orgy?

It takes two people to get divorced. You should remember that too!

My partner is like yours. Your world becomes very small when someone is monitoring your every move and what you do needs to meet their approval. Don't bring a baby in to this.

"I don't think I could define him as a controlling arse just from this one incident because it really is the first time."

But isn't that simply because the situation hasn't arisen before now because you don't usually like going into the city?

Be very wary, I unknowingly put up with loads of controlling behaviour all done under the guise of wanting to protect and care for me.

We've had a few issues in the past year with miscarriages and me being very down in the dumps about it. But we are still very happy together and he's a great man.^ This is what rings alarm bells for me. "A few issues with miscarriages and me being very down in the dumps about it." Plural miscarriages^ are devastating - are you allowed to be devastated about this? Or are you trying hard not to be too down in the dumps about it so as not to rock the boat with your extremely busy and devoted dad of a man? I'm not normally one to leap to conclusions but there is a tone to your post that's says you have to act in just the right way in order to please this man. Does the fact that he never goes out with friends not make you wonder? Does he have friends? Do you socialise together with friends? Sorry to add to the chimes but I wouldn't have a child with this man if I were you. I think you may have to ask yourself some tricky questions about this relationship - but better now than later

Apologies for formatting fail

Iknowimcoming

It is plural miscarriages yes. And I am absolutely devastated. He knows this and honestly he doesn't make me feel I have to hide it. I'm openly upset with him often and he's been really supportive through the whole thing. He comes to every appointment with me and has been my absolute rock through this whole thing. That's why I'm struggling to just say he must be a controlling arse because of this one thing. It's really out of character from what I know of him and as I've said in thread I was really surprised by his reaction.

A couple of people have brought up the ex situation and as I've said up thread I know he may be exaggerating the situation as people do about exes. I know he's not perfect and probably contributed to their problems. I've been very careful to say things like 'according to him' when speaking about their issues. I get on with her well and she's a great mum to their kids and that's the only judgement I have of her. I'm not stupid I don't hate her because of things he's said I know it takes two.

I do however think the fact she cheated is relevant to the situation and I know for a fact that it is true due to other people telling me not just him. It's relevant because I feel it's what's caused him to have these trust issues in the first place and he's agreed.

I just want to add that I absolutely am still going. I've made that clear. We've spoken now and he's admitted he was very selfish to use our situation against me because he was scared. He's apologised and so I guess I'll have to see if it's a recurring thing or not.

I think it's difficult when you know someone in RL. This doesn't define him for me. He's been good to me in so many ways and as I say he's been there through every tear and heartbreaking moment we've had recently.

I just want him to trust me.

I just want to add that I absolutely am still going. I've made that clear. We've spoken now and he's admitted he was very selfish to use our situation against me because he was scared. He's apologised and so I guess I'll have to see if it's a recurring thing or not.

That's good to hear, the fact that he's acknowledged he was wrong and apologised is a good sign I think.

Trinity me too. Perhaps I'm stupid only time will tell.

I think he panicked in the moment and said things he shouldn't have. I'll be keeping an eye open for future similar issues though.