Brutal end to a close friendship...help me get over it

[Vasilisa19]

Its not so much that my friend has decided she no longer wants to be friends (though this does hurt), I think it was the way she went about it and has left me feeling very low and unable to shake it off.

Friends for about 5 years, clicked and became close friends almost instantly, sharing childcare, nights out, could talk to each other about anything, even went on holiday together.

She moved to a different city last weekend, I sent her a text message with good luck and keep in touch. Totally gobsmacked with the reply which was basically a character assination of me and that she never wants to see me again. Never saw it coming, and was in total shock. Some of what she said was understandable but a total overreaction. Other stuff was completely untrue, not even a hint of truth. I showed the message to another friend who said they didn't recognise me in her assination at all.

Hurts like hell, and I now am questioning my own sanity. Did I say that? Did I do that? Am I so horrible?

DH says I need to just move on and forget about it but I am really struggling to shake it off. I should probably delete her message but I keep reading it over and over and trying to make sense of what had gone wrong.

Any thoughts...

That it says far more about her that she did it via text after moving away because she was too much of a shitebag to actually speak to you.

Believe the people who tell you they don’t recognise you in her character assassination and not the woman who said such spiteful things.

Also, for your own sanity, delete it. She’s wrong, and whatever she thinks of you, she’s a fucking nasty horrible person for doing what she did.

Your dh is right.

Nothing you can do. Just move on.

It maybe an overreaction to you. But she is likely to not feel that way. To her it was obviously painful

Thank you

I think I find it hard to reconcile that she couldn't just move away and phase me out. That her parting words were meant to hurt me (there was a lot of swearing and name calling).

What I thought was an over-reaction is that she said I had used her for a 'personal therapist'. We both talked to each other about our problems in a very equal way. The only thing I can think of is that I perhaps didn't show enough gratitude when she was good to me...I don't know. The other stuff just doesn't make any sense no matter how critical I try and view it.

You are right I need to delete it and move on. Try and be a better friend. I text her and apologised and thanked her for being a good friend - but she is ignoring me. Can do no more.

I had a 'friend' like this too, she deleted me off social media because I didn't ask her how her house move went!! Ffs I had just got off holiday and didn't even know where she was moving to! She then send a huge message to my best friend who she doesn't even know very well telling her that I was ungrateful and she did so much for me.
What annoys me is she tries to befriend my kids on social media..cheeky cow.

That sounds really hurtful. She's pathetic to say nothing to your face and then send you an insulting message. Moving is stressful but I don't think that's an excuse here.

There's no coming back from it. Even if she did live to regret what she said she's unlikely to admit it.

You did the right thing by not attacking her back. Remain dignified and try to forget her.

I'm always a bit wary of friendships that happen so quick like that, like instantly you're best buddies, going on holiday together etc etc It's usually a certain type of person, a serial best friender who does that alot and then gets bored and just drops you and moves on to the next best friend. Friendships, like all relationships have to grow over time I think.

Although it's not nice to read what she wrote i would just chalk it down to experience and move on, you can bet someone else will be getting that message from her in a few months or so

"I'm always a bit wary of friendships that happen so quick like that,"

Ah. Now there is something in this, you might have hit the nail on the head. When she first moved into the village, she hated everything and everybody. So I kind of adopted her to try and help her feel settled and more welcomed. In the early days she would feel sad that nobody had kept in touch with her from her old home town and did the'...after everything I did for them..' thing. I had forgotten about this.

Urgh..horrible feeling, but I know it will pass.

Hmmm OP, I am reading replies and advice with interest.
When I left university, literally the week after I moved out I got a very similar email from the girls I used to live with absolutely slating me. It was vicious and the things they said I was utterly stunned me. I saw them as close as sisters, we had shared so much and truly been the best of friends, or so I thought. It hurt. It felt worse than any break-up with a boyfriend. Like you, I was totally blindsided by it and I believed what they said about me.

That was over ten years ago now and as much as I hate admitting it, I still dream about them and the fallout. I hate dreaming about them. What they did was so spiteful. It affected my ability to form new friendships because I thought I was a shit friend and couldn't trust letting people in who might do that to me again.

Honestly it was an awful way to be treated. I actually believe it gave me some form of PTSD.

It's taken me up until recently to believe that actually, I am a good friend and a good person and to feel like I can let new people into my life. I'm still very socially awkward (I was very confident at uni and found making friends very easy) so I have had to work hard on my confidence. What they did was emotionally rip me to pieces. Unforgivable.

So I have no advice. I don't know how I could have handled it better at the time. But I'm regretful that I let them make me believe I was any of the vile things they said I was and knock me down so badly.

Their behaviour was despicable, and what your 'friend' has done is just as bad. I hope you can find a way to appropriate what she has said as her own problem and nothing to do with you. She isn't worth your upset. Don't reply. Don't give her the satisfaction. Keep your chin up.

I had a similar very very close friendship - also quite quick, which she basically ended by email as she had had enough of my help and when I needed some she didn't want to give it. It hurt for a long long time but now I see that I was just being used when she was going through a lot of trauma. No, I wasn't perfect but an email...?

. In the early days she would feel sad that nobody had kept in touch with her from her old home town and did the'...after everything I did for them..' thing. I had forgotten about this.

I bet there was some "friend" of hers from her home time who was after getting a message like you did..........

*home town

Thanks...I'm beginning to get perspective.

She also said I said something hurtful to someone we know but didn't go into specifics.

So I approached this person and asked her if I had said anything to hurt her. She looked completely stumped. Showed her the text message and she had NO IDEA what she was talking about. But she admitted she is rather thick skinned so it may not have registered.

Its like going back to highschool...need to forget it.

Hmmm I’ve actually been your friend in this situation, I got to the point where I despised a friend I’d had for 15 years. Various things I’d tried to tell her about at the time she ignored all the warning signs.

I was supposed to move abroad and planned to cut her off when I moved. Not to be nasty but so both sides could naturally just drift apart. Anyway the job abroad fell through and I ended up ignoring my friend and finally she turned up on my doorstep demanding to know what was wrong. I started by passively saying I’d appreciate she left me alone but she wouldn’t leave. I have her a load of reasons but I know now she will almost definitely twist these reasons to make it look like she’s done nothing wrong and the reasons were not good enough to stop the friendship, according to her, she’s done it with other people before. I regret telling her tbh.

I myself was hurting at the end of the friendship and what she’d done wrong. I think you’ll find there’s normally two sides to every story like this. I just wanted to move away and get away from her.
There’s not much you can change though so perhaps better to move in and invest in new friendships.

It's so hard to being on the receiving end of a character assassination from someone you thought was a friend. It shakes you to your very core because while it's almost expected sometimes for romantic relationships to end, for a friend to lay all that on you somehow feels more shocking.

I had it happen once. It was awful. It was to my face and it was from a uni friend who had guessed I was in the grip of an eating disorder (I was, very badly), but decided to approach it by having a go at me about how because I lied about what I'd been eating, none of them (she and some of our friendship circle) could trust anything I said and my obsession with food was draining them etc etc. I was utterly broken by it, I think more than she every imagined I would be (it was a long time a ago, the internet wasn't as prevelant, nor were eating disorders as widely understood. The info wasn't out there). It felt like such an intrusion into my closely guarded world of eating issues. She wrote me a long apology letter but the damage was done. My childhood friends from "back home" were wonderful and helped me see that it was all bollocks and that what this friend didn't like was the eating disorder, not who I was. But I couldn't get past it really. It's odd though as even now 15 years later, I still kind of crave her friendship in a weird way, even though I haven't pursued it at all (we are FB friends but haven't seen each other since uni). I don't understand my feelings about it really but then I don't examine them very often.

I think if she just wanted to end the friendship and move on with her new life I would have been fine with that as such relationships do change and fizzle out. It was the brutality in which she ended it which hurt and shocked me and left me feeling like a crap person.

It has also gotten under my skin because she never said anything at the time so its hard to mentally get perspective with something that happend months or years ago, where I have no memory.

It's an incredibly cowardly thing to do. But I'm betting she's got a moving away list and you just got ticked off 'tell Vasilisa what I think'. Tick! Yuck. Nasty. She probably does this every time she moves.

Look at it this way, you are also rid of this nasty person.

I agree with a pp that friendships that spring up too quickly are unfortunately unlikely to be long lasting. I've seen this with another friend who has a habit of making new BFFs and the new BFF is then involved in everything and they do everything together etc etc. And then one day, my friend realises that the BFF is actually not a very nice person or they have nothing in common or whatever. With the most recent one, the realisation came when her mother died and her friend was barely sympathetic but then expected endless support six months later when her father was diagnosed with cancer. It ws such a one way friendship.

Try to move on. It' shard, but if you and the people around you know the text message is bullshit, hold to that. I have to admit that if it was me I'd send a message back saying something like, "I'm sorry you felt this way. I honestly don't understand why you bothered to be friends with me for so long if I'm such an awful person. Please delete my number." But that's me. I like to get the last word...

Feel better already! Thank you. She has at least helped me with my diet this week as I've barely eaten a thing www.mumsnet.com/emo/te/2.gif.pagespeed.ce.pqlGYGVWqX.gif

Sorry others have been in the same situation. Its good to know life goes on..

Sorry no idea what that link is above lol

Was there not a thread very similar to this s few weeks ago? I’m sure I’ve even read one of the replies before.

Your friend did a shitty thing. I’d be tempted to wind her up as a parting get fucked. Something like "I suppose that means you won’t be interested in meeting up for lunch then?" Or maybe just be a spelling Nazi on her message and reply with a resubmitted message.

Is there any chance her DP/OH is abusive/controlling? moving away to isolate her and make her reject you? the fact that she has written things that seem to be all in her head makes me wonder if it's not her driving this.

If this isn't the case then it could just be a classic narcissistic thing, or she is just a parasite, and can't possibly have relationships that don't benefit her directly.

In short, you are of no use to her anymore...

I'm sorry, this is hurtful.

I agree, she is an user. The parting shot was a boost to her ego and had absolutely nothing to do with you.

I am also interested in the “full on at the beginning” dynamic. I am useless at sussing out ulterior motives/hidden agendas.

I'm always incredibly wary of full-on at the beginning friends. In my experience they have no internal barometer on what's appropriate. Have been badly stung in the past - even though I sussed them out early on and had a gut feeling they were bad news. They still managed to make life hell for me and DD for a year.

Some people choose to rewrite history and paint people a certain way as a twisted self-preservation method, when they might otherwise miss or be hurt by someone.