Advice needed please no support in RL

[Justme1981]

Hi All
Im new to mumsnet, this is my first post although i've lurked awhile....
Im married with a beautiful DS 1 year, together with DH 13years, we have struggled in past but got through it, since DS born relationship has been rocky at best. Weve had counselling which went nowhere. We have a joint bank acc which he refuses to separate as I earn more so 'its not fair' money is a big issue, he has a sole acc too & suspect he is putting money into that through cashback on shopping. I also have a sole acc with nothing in as a loan went into it a while ago to help me pay off some debts, he knows this. He is rude & can be very nasty, verbal nothing physical. When his brother asks how he is standard response is fat wife, little rat & hoping for a meterite. We clash on values alot e.g. i'd prefer he didnt each DS to play with guns shooting at people, he told me im ridiculous. I set up a toy for DS DH walks in & kicks it over just cus. Im not attracted to him & he clearly thinks im fat. (Im size 14-16 & working hard to lose weight) we have nothing in common . He is currently sleeping on sofa as its hot. I thought things were getting better & we were looking at pics on his phone, i then saw he has pics of my credit card statement, pics of my account details, pics of my phone contacts log. He brushed it off & took phone away saying im paranoid. We rarely kiss, marriage is sexless (ds is from ivf). I feel like crap, he will flip out at smallest thing then tell me its my fault. E.g. he was tired the other day said only 3hours sleep (ds & i woke him when i was getting ready for work as he was downstairs alseep) i said sorry ive left it as late as i can but need to get ready for work, you were up late on your pc though n knew id be up by now. his reply was i hate the way you talk to me, you are so snotty. If it wasnt for ds id leave, but im terrified he will take ds from me. He has threatend this before. He has also told me if we spilt he wants me to pay him maintenance. (I have a career, he has a job hes never wanted a career and ive always encouraged him to push himself but he cant be bothered) I feel stuck, trapped & alone. My dad passed away & i have no contact with mum, i have no where to go. Im miserable, sat here crying, i know it sounds stupid. Well done if you made it this far, i dont know what im after really. Just needed to vent i guess. Thanks.

Well there’s nothing here to salvage is there? Can you set up a savings scheme of your own? It’s time to make a plan. He doesn’t sound very nice, why would you think he’d get custody of your son. Start getting good advice from good people. Can you set up paperless billing? Do your financial stuff goes to a private email account. Photos of your phone logs and accounts sounds weird, like he’s planning something himself.
Why no sex?!

See a solicitor. It sounds like he might be getting prepared for a split, so make sure you do the same. Make a log of all the bullying behaviour he does towards you. He wants to make you feel you can't leave so he has all the control.

Hi both

Thank you for replies.
Im so scared he will get custody as he looks after ds when i work, he can be charming & play victim well when we had counselling he told lots of lies, made me look like a neglectful mum (because i work full time) & got the counsellor on his side, she ended up telling me that i should have tea ready when he gets home & its not that hard!
No sex it just fizzled think part of that was ivf, weve had sex twice since i was pregnant but i dont feel attractive & if i get dressed nicely to go out for a meal with him.i'll ask if i look ok he will say you look fine, nothing more.
Ive just dont know how to salvage anything, i dont want my son growing up thinking this is normal but i dont know how to leave. He would be vile & difficult, although he calls ds names he'd fight me for custody to hurt me, pretty sure he would drain the joint acc too.
Sorry to moan no where else to vent

When his brother asks how he is standard response is fat wife, little rat & hoping for a meterite

Stopped reading after this. What a disgusting twat, I couldn’t care less if it’s said in jest or it’s “his humour” that’s the hallmark of cuntery right there.

FGS consult a solicitor

she ended up telling me that i should have tea ready when he gets home & its not that hard!

What kind of "counsellor" did you see?? It doesn't seem like something any counsellor will say, that's ridiculous! It is 2018, not the 50's!!!

Why do you say he refuses to separate the joint bank account? You do it. Just do it. Go into the bank and tell them to take your name off, as you won't be paying any more money in.

That should sort out that problem. You need to discuss the loan, and opening up another current account. As far as that horrible man you are unfortunate to be married to is concerned, you need to get out. You know it's going to happen sooner or later, so why let yourself be miserable a moment longer than necessary?

Thank you all
The counsellor was through relate! I should have complained but ended up leaving it.
I wish i had the courage to just take my name off the joint account!! I have no back up money & nowhere ds & i could go to. Its horrible situation to be in. Like i say hes not violent, just rude/disrespectful/hurtful/selfish. Many people are in worse situations, i guess im just feeling worse than usual today.

Can you change your bank to your solo one, so your pay goes into that one and not the joint?
This is not a life, he sounds like a horrible person. You and you DS deserve to be happy.
The pictures he has, he is definitely getting his ducks in a row, incase of a split, can you consult a solicitor to see the steps you need to take next?

I dont often comment on relationships but I really felt for you. He sounds like a massive twat and you sound worn out with it all. I agree with PP he sounds like he's getting ready for a split and I would be doing the same. Stop getting money paid into joint accounts, get some legal advice especially if you think he will get spiteful about your child. Seems like he's getting more out of this than you are and hes money orientated so hit him where it hurts. Take some time to set yourself up so you can make the first move. The resentment will only build up and things will only get worse

Time to put on the big girl pants, OP!

How much is in the joint account? Transfer it all over into your account! Don’t even tell him. It’s your earnings right? Google for family solicitors in your area andbook to go see one. It’s time to get yourself sorted. If you don’t then he’s going to surprise serve you with divorce papers one day and you’ll be really in trouble then. Protect yourself.

Agree with all of the other comments, he sounds awful. Also had relate counselling a few years back and had similar problems and the counsellor openly flirted with my charming husband! Good luck life is short you’ll be fine on your own with dc x

Thank you all for your replies, & to those who sent kind words very much appreciated.
There is currently approx £1600 in joint acc i pay in 2000 he pays in 1100 but spends lots!!
You are all right, i need to put my big girl pants on & get sorted, im just putting off the inevitable i guess....

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond

First thing to do is sort out childcare! And then you hold your head high and you go to estate agents and apply for a place...and you and your child go. On payday. If my husband ever called my child a little rat and kicked his toys I would be out immediately...that is not a loving father and I know you know what you have to do. You have the right to separate accounts, simply change it. Focus on practicalities and you will feel more empowered. Talk to solicitor. Talk to a Women's Aid advisor, they are there to support. Good luck!!

Go part time in your job your child needs you and use childcare when you work
Then go for maintence form him

He won’t get custody you’d have to be some sort bad bad mother my DH ex wife has drug and alcohol addictions and my DH couldn’t get custody as she’s the Mum.

Is it your house or joint ?

Thank you both. Unfortunately going part time in my role isnt an option, hes fine with ds when hes happy & playing its the other stuff he struggles with :-( nights & early mornings are a massive struggle for him.
The house is rented jointly so thats not an issue. I wouldnt get maintence from him which is fine, but he wants to get maintemce from me if we split as i earn more.
He was nice last night made me a drink before i went to bed, gave me a hug said hes sleeping downstairs because its hot not because of me, said he loves me 'if its worth anything' maybe it is my fault n im just being too sensitive & overly critical? I just dont know anymore.

Anyone?

OP, please get your ducks in a row as other posters have suggested. He sounds very abusive and may be lulling you into a false sense of security now he knows you have seen photos he has taken of your bank statements. Why would he have done this unless he had taken advice about leaving?
I also had a bad experience with Relate. The therapist was quite taken by my narc partner and didn't think the fact that he'd been physically abusive (resulting in me going to a and e) an issue at all.

hes fine with ds when hes happy & playing its the other stuff he struggles with :-(

In other words, all of what it is to be a parent?

I know how harsh this sounds and I’m not coming across as some @AnyFucker tribute act but he was nice to you and made you a drink and now you’re all like “ooooh, maybe I’m the horrid one”.

Please wake up.

The nice comments after horrible ones is classic gaslighting. It throws you off balance mentally, makes you doubt yourself and question everything. It is classic narcissist tactics. They are charming to others, make you seem like a bitch or foolish or wrong - "see I'm just a saint to put up with her aren't I?"
You need to get out, but I think you know that.
From my own experiences you need to stop your wage going into the joint account - he is operating on the "what's yours is mine, and what's mine is also mine" - what's the worse he will do as he will be angry. If there's any hint of violence or you feel scared call the police as it will be logged.
Tomorrow call Women's Aid and they will help. I met someone at my GPs and she gave me strength to get things in order.
He won't take your son off you - he is entitled to a relationship with his child but you can go to mediation to agree terms. He might take you to family court for access but this is not as frightening as you might think. I'm saying this from experience as I went to court and represented myself (can't believe I actually did this!)
You can get half an hour free with a solicitor for advice too.
When I stayed and knew I should go I thought about my children - did I want my girls growing up thinking that this was the way a relationship should be
You can do this and we will be here for you but you can only do it yourself. You are stronger than you think you are, I promise

First of all have your salary sent to YOUR account and then transfer 1100 in to match what he puts in to the joint account. Or start doing cashback at shops to stash away.

Secondly you need to get out of this he sounds like a total wank.

Good luck OP you can do it

He can fuck off with his 'maintenance'.

You cannot live like this. Go and get some legal advice and get your ducks in a row. That is what he is doing, with his pictures of your finances. Get your employer to pay your salary into the account in your name only and take your name off the joint one.

Get angry!

Thank you all for replies, the days he is nice (which are few & far between) i worry that it is me, that im just too sensitive. Thank you for telling me im not - i think im at the point of just needing to be told what to do if that makes sense? I keep second guessing myself & dont want to break up our family if im just being sensitive.
Thank you for sharing your experiences alwaysonmymind i didnt think womens aid would be able to help as he isnt physically abusive - i will call them on my break tomorrow. Its good to hear they were able to help you.

So i got up the confidence to call womens aid today, so worried i was wasting their time. They were great, gave me a local number to call they have taken loads of details im now waiting to be allocated someone to support me. Its VERY scary, im still so worried that im wasting time of services which are so precious. I guess i just need either someone to reassure me that im doing the right thing or someone to tell me im being over sensitive & to stop complaining...

Well done for calling Women's Aid! You're fantastic.