DH against me getting contraception sorted

[LongerThanEver]

Just having a conversation to DH and mentioned that tomorrow at my GP review, I will be asking for a coil.

He is completely against it. Says why when you probably won't get pregnant again anyway (I have a through fertility issues but can easily just take the once, one time, as everyone knows)

He said "fine then, but you won't ever get pregnant again" I said it isn't a hormonal contraceptive, it won't impact my current level of fertility. He's adamant it doesn't matter.

He says "You know how I feel about it, I don't want you going on contraception. You know I'd like a sibling for our baby".

I said but that baby isn't even 1 yet, why would you risk another pregnancy so soon

He said well that's just the way it is.

I said well you'd be the first to complain if I had an abortion due to unplanned pregnancy that I didn't want. He said "I wouldn't be complaining, that would be the end of us. Why the fuck would a married couple abort a baby". I said because it isn't the right time, things happen, circumstances change.

He said I must be the worst Catholic ever if that's how I feel. I said I'm not strictly a Catholic, I believe a woman has a right to choose what to do with her own body (for contexts, he isn't Catholic).

I asked "Well why would you want to put me in that position. I suffered terribly with HG (pregnancy sickness) throughout. I don't want that again.

I'm not saying never, put how I feel at the moment is that I don't want any more children. I'm prepared to revisit the topic in 2/3 years but until then, it's a definite no.

He's really pissy about it.

But he's not hands on with DS at all and usually isn't much interested in giving him his time as he 'works too hard' and 'needs some down time'

He says I just can't believe you wouldn't consider how I feel. I said I have, but considering what you feel doesn't mean going along with what you want. This is after all, me who would be carrying another pregnancy.

He said "well I'm not saying that".

I think he is

He's now in one of those moods where it isn't a mood exactly, but the dynamic feels different and his tone seems different. Not rude or hurtful, just different.

It's so draining and I can't be bloody arsed. I very stupidly haven't been on contraception since the baby was born and I'm acting on that ASAP because I do not want another baby and don't feel like I should have one just because it's what he wants.

I'm drained

Do you actually WANT to have sex with this man anyway?

How did his life change when you were pregnant? We're you often too ill to argue, did he get his own way more? Did you have time off work and become more of a housewife?
If he wants another child but isn't really that bothered about the one you already have then its worth looking at what else comes along with you being pregnant again right away, ESPECIALLY bearing in mind that you suffered so much the first time.

I think he only just realised you weren't on the same page regarding enlarging your family.

You need to discuss this properly when the dust settled and you've both calmed down a bit

Sounds like a rubbish parent and partner.

Your body. Your choice. If one person in a relationship does not want a child, that is the end of the story. It can break up the relationship, but your H does not have the right to dictate his wishes to you.

Is this the first time he has been controlling or is this familiar behaviour but in a different context?

Tell him to piss off. Your body, your choice!

Quite apart from the fact he seems to be being a prize idiot, it sounds like he doesn’t understand how the copper coil works.

Print off some NHS info www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/iud-coil/ and underline this bit “It can be taken out at any time by a specially trained doctor or nurse. It's then possible to get pregnant straight away.”

You also need a proper conversation about how his attitude has made you feel, and he needs to commit to listening properly and treating you with respect. Or if this is typical of the way he speaks to/treats you, I’d consider calling it a day.

Good luck with everything.

Is it particularly the coil he is against or any contraception? Either way hes acting like an arse, if someone in a relationship doesnt want a baby then thats not really something you can compromise on. Besides its not like you said never again just not atm and as a mum to a 1 year old i completely get where you are coming from on the not right now front.

It's difficult. He's very affectionate but something controlling has happened before, but I stopped it straight away, luckily, due to MN reassuring me it wasn't acceptable.

A good few months back now, I had planned with my mum to stay with her for 4 days (different area, 2 hours away). I offered him the chance to come too, but he didn't want to.

He was extremely upset and bothered that I would consider taking the baby away and be away from him during the week, when all he wants to do is see us after he comes in from work, apparently. He said he would be too sad to see us go.

As a bit of background, he would always ring up before coming in the door during the week as my Mum would visit every Wednesday and drive down from 2 hours away. He would ring to ask if they were going or making a move soon, and if not, when.

This would make my mum and nan really uncomfortable, they knew that's what he was ringing for by my replies on the phone.

To cut a long story short, I went away anyway and now do so on a regular basis, sometimes I go away for a few days every fortnight.

When I first went that time, he came round by Day 2 and just said "Sorry but it's just that I miss you two so much".

He now is usually fine with us going and doesn't say anything.

I just feel like he has some controlling tendencies and it's annoyed me.

He sounds very controlling.
He also sounds manipulative and gaslighty.

You need to discuss this properly when the dust settled and you've both calmed down a bit

I've tried before but the conversation always gets shut down.

He always says I don't want to argue, why are you arguing, I'm fed up of arguing.

It's so frustrating, I can't talk to him properly about it because he's always shutting what I have to say down

So he has form. You're going to have to fight the battle again and win it again.

Then you need to have a long hard conversation with him about his controlling tendencies in general and what he is going to do to end this behaviour, because it will break your marriage in the long run. You sound strong and independent and you will not keep on tolerating new manifestations of this, so if he does not put in the work to change, he will lose his family.

He said "I wouldn't be complaining, that would be the end of us. Why the fuck would a married couple abort a baby". I said because it isn't the right time, things happen, circumstances change.

He said I must be the worst Catholic ever if that's how I feel. I said I'm not strictly a Catholic, I believe a woman has a right to choose what to do with her own body (for contexts, he isn't Catholic).

How on earth did you manage to get married and have a child with someone without discussing both of your feelings on contraception and abortion??

AWoman We did. I was always very much on the fence about abortion, I always thought I'd never have one myself but always supported another woman's option to. DH use to say it we okay but he didn't agree above a certain gestation.

He's since changed his tune

Fucking hell, so your mother isn’t allowed to visit you at your house and you weren’t allowed to visit her at hers until you insisted. Wow. How on earth would another baby even be possible when your partner is so disgustingly unattractive?

And as for the hormonal coil, I had mine out after 2 years and was pregnant 11 days later. It doesn't necessarily impact that way.

I agree with Stormtreader. And I would advise you to strongly think about having another child with this man.

I couldn’t have a second baby with a guy who wasn’t hands on and helpful with our first , and that’s the first thing I’d say to a guy talking about second- I’m not yet convinced you can parent one child dh so until that changes there is zero chance so no point discussing. How could I possibly get through a pregnancy like that if you can’t do the majority care of dc1 all weekend, and evenings? I could hardly get through it without a dc to look after.

I guess he is also one who doesn't like using condoms?

Sort your contraception out and have a good look at your relationship.
I remember your post about visiting your mum and am pleased to hear he didn't manage to stop you.

The best contraception is to ltb
Seriously

Just go and get your contraception sorted out - you don't need his approval.

Just go and get contraception. He doesn't have to like it.

In fact - honestly, this is a gift. Get contraception and see what happens then. He may move on to show you who he is, even more clearly. Then you'll know what to do.

He sounds shit, unsupportive and controlling. The combination of those points to a man who feels entitled to a woman servicing HIS needs and HIS idea of what family life is meant to be.

He's being arsey and shutting you down because you are standing in the way of HIS needs/requirements being met. This is dangerous because it reflects an attitude of "UGH stupid fucking woman why can't she shut up and do as she's told", as if you don't even exist as a human being. fuck him.

This marriage probably isn't going to last. If it does last, it's going to be a battleground. You shouldn't have to fight for normal, respectful behaviour op. It's not meant to feel like this.

This is about much more than contraception! He is controlling you can't you see that!

Totally controlling, but you know that. Be vigilant...and get that coil fitted. He would love you to have baby after baby because that ties you to him. The more kids you have, the more vulnerable you are. Don’t have a babe until you want one.

It strikes me that there are far more fundamental problems with his behaviour here.

I don't think his issue is with contraception, his issue is very much with being the one in control of you and your body. He doesn't respect you, he views you as his property to use and control.

Shutting down every attempt you make to discuss things with him is a way of controlling you.

A man who tried that persistently to cut you off from your family and isolate you is not a good man. Trying to isolate you and restrict who you can see, when, where, and for how long is a way of controlling you.

The moods and sulks are a way of controlling you.

Trying to keep you pregnant is a way of controlling you.

Taking no interest in parenting is a way of controlling you.

Making you too afraid or exhausted to disagree with him, or second guessing your own reasonableness, is a way of controlling you.

All of this is abuse, you know. It's coercive control.

What makes all his mistreatment worth enduring? Do you not think you deserve to be treated decently? Normal, healthy relationships do not look like this.

Does he do anything that shows he even cares about his child? Shows, not says.

He doesn't sound like he cares about anybody except himself and getting what he wants. It doesn't matter how hard you try, you'll never be able to change that and therefore you'll never be able to improve things if you stay with him.