DH thinks suffering is normal and should be expected

[mumofonetod]

Hi peeps,

I think i'm going crazy OR i'm extremely heartless, but my DH of 3 years (together for 10) seems to think that our relentless arguments and realising we have grown miles apart is normal in a marriage, and that I should expect to feel shit for 10 years before things get good. Apparently it's supposed to be 10 years of pain for a lifetime of enjoyment, whereas I just want out so I can feel happy again and not walk on eggshells. Am I just a cop-out?

Where the hell did he get that batshit idea from? Total bollox.

If you're walking on eggshells, you definitely need to get out. Have you got legal advice yet etc? He's just trying to control you and make you stay,

I think he’s got this concept seriously twisted. My mum did say you should give a difference of opinion 10 years in a marriage and then check whether it even still matters. She also says that the moment you loose mutual listening or mutual respect, you either need to both commit to restoring those things, or call it a day. Having different ideas/agreeing to differ is one thing. Being miserable, and a partner who is quite comfortable with you feeling like shit for 10 years is another, and isn’t remotely ok.

I agree to an extent that bad things are going to happen. Unemployment, illness, death. All of these add to suffering or pain that is the normal cycle of life.

But. In each case you take steps to move on. Counselling, treatment, communication etc.

The times maybe tough, but you are always looking forward.

By the sounds of this, it seems he is just hoping things will get better eventually without any action taken on his or your parts.

That doesn’t work.

That's a weird outlook on life! Quite tragic actually. We are o ly here a short time you are meant to enjoy all your life. Things happen which are shit but you get over them and move on. You don't decide a large chunk of your life is going to be and should be shit.

Well, if you want to follow his advice.... you've been together 10 years.... you're not happy. So you can leave now.

Seriously, you've wasted enough time on this pillock.

Get out, be free.

Normal or common doesn't mean good or healthy.

Do not throw away more of your relative youth if you're sure there's nothing that is worth preserving in your marriage. You've done the standard relationship counselling etc.?

It's so difficult because he hasn't done anything extreme like cheated or hit me etc, but the emotional abuse of going through years of 'this is why your personality isn't good enough to be my wife, and this is what you do to change it' in every situation is getting me down. It's making me believe i'm a really horrible person, terrible wife and mother and I just see that he wants me to change into his idea of a perfect wife which is a complete opposite of who I am, but i've no idea why he married me if he felt like this, unless he just expected me to merge into this new person overnight? It was so good until we got married why did things have to change D:

'Ducking hell' OP. He's good. Best one-sided comment at gaslighting I've ever come across. Wow, just wow!

Do reverse psychology on him. Turn every statement round and chuck it back at him. Sit back and observe. Get strong, get angry.

I think it's certainly true that all marriages have ups and downs and life events can lead to a "drifting apart" which doesn't have to mean the end. If you stick with it it can come good again, but all of the first 10 years? That's madness

mumofonetod please listen. He is no good for you. He is emotionally abusive, and even if he wasn't, you can leave without a good reason .

'this is why your personality isn't good enough to be my wife,"

You know what? You're right. I think I'll spare you the next 7 years and you can go now. See you laters.... not.

Get out.

Ten years into my marriage, all I wanted in life was not to be shouted at. And no, I was never hit either. I just ended up suicidally depressed & with a complete lack of confidence.

I've been out four years now & I'm flying. Every day. I still have occasional nightmares about being back there but they're rare now.

Do it now. Seriously.

Do you think those comments are normal? That you deserve them?

No they're not and no you don’t

Tell him to get to fuck

What does he say to joint counselling?
Might be worth getting things more balanced even if you go on to split. He will always be around as DCs DF.

It just sounds like he's trying to stop you getting any ideas of leaving him. Which you should. No relationship is perfect, mine sure as hell isn't, but we've been together 13 years, married for 10 and to coin a phrase from a tv show "he doesn't make me happy all the time but he makes me happy every day". No specific years of a marriage are guaranteed bad - especially not a decade! Young kids are stressful and tough but you usually muddle through.
As for the comments about your personality and how you should change - run for the hills. Real love is a million miles from this. Go out there and find it.

I think ups and downs are normal. Sometimes couples need to drift apart to find each other again. But if you're talking constant emotional abuse, no, that's not right.

OK, OP, your update is more indicative of gas lighting/EA and strongly suggests that this is about control, power, and ego for your DH. Absence of physical violence does not make him decent or imply that your relationship is really OK.

Do you aspire to be this other, very different woman that your OH wants you to be?

Someone who speaks to you like this is not an adult with whom you or children can spend your lives. If he considers that his behaviour is acceptable then he is neither an adequate partner nor father.

You might benefit from some individual counselling as it's often recommended that you avoid joint counselling in situations where there's EA or coercion.

Have you done Women's Aid - Freedom Course It's recommended with good reason, particularly for women who are in your position and might benefit from learning about the other forms of domestic abuse that are not physical.

www.reducingtherisk.org.uk/cms/content/freedom-programme

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Please don't change - you need to be yourself and be strong. Whether you can do that whilst remaining in the marriage only you can decide.

Have you told him his controlling behaviour is totally unacceptable and the marriage won't continue if he doesn't change? It might give him a jolt. If not I really hope you don't waste the next ten years waiting for your marriage to morph into something wonderful as controlling people tend to get worse over time, not better. Sounds like he has given himself ten years to mold you into his idea of the perfect Stepford wife and your idea of hell.

I wish you the very best OP.

Please don't have joint counselling with him either. It is not advised in abusive relationships

The person he ‘wants me to be’ seems like a nutjob and involves removing all my banter, independence and strong character to almost ‘melt into the background’. Hes an Asian guy and culturely his wife should submit completely and not expect thanks for doing so, but i’m not Asian or anything similar, and have quite enjoyed my independence for the previous 7 years of my relationship, so not sure why he has suddenly decided things need to change now! I think you are all right, going to look into counselling, wine (who am I kidding, I have a glass now!) and following on from that, look at my options. I know there is someone out there who would love me for who I am and would accept all my flaws, I know there is

Thank you mumsnetters, this site is a digital place of refuge!

Fucken hell OP, I'd call emotional abuse something extreme! So he gets to treat you like shit on a vague insane theory/promise that things will be perfect after TEN fecken years? Fecken hell, don't actually know what to say to that shite, except LTB!

Leave!

By the way when he say suffering is normal, he means YOUR suffering! He's not suffering at all!

Years of emotional abuse is extreme.

Do not go to joint counselling, it is never ever recommended where there is abuse, as is the case here.

He has become worse since marrying because now he thinks he has absolute control of you and you'll never leave. He views you as trapped and his possession. He will only get worse.

You don't have to live like this, and you deserve better.

I second the suggestion of the Freedom Programme.

What's currently keeping you with this abusive man?