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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

When your abuser finally slips up and exposes himself

77 replies

ReallyWTF · 05/07/2018 14:24

I've posted about my plight with an EA man under various usernames in the past. Today, via phone and email exchange, he finally exposed himself as the cruel tyrant he has been for years.

Yet, here I am, posting on a public forum for reassurance and confirmation - such is the extent of the gaslighting I have endured for so long makes me still doubt myself.

Here's an email that I have just sent to EA DP:

A record of what has just happened:

Yesterday you removed my bra from the study and put it in the wash. You did this without informing me. The bra does not look like a regular bra on account of having 2 massive holes in the front to enable pumping.

Me: Earlier today I told you I was feeling particularly vulnerable and told you so (anxiety issues). After searching for said bra, I phoned you asking where it was.
You: You tell me that the whole office can hear me.
Me: I hang up and email instead so not to jepodise your privacy at work.
You: tell me you're alone in the office anyway (bizarre). You also tell me "Ultimately it's your fault for misplacing stuff" (recall, YOU moved the bra; I didn't misplace anything - bizarre).

Notice the language you then used in your emails: "gosh, it's so crazy. I need to remotely locate your bra while sitting in the office? What's in your head? Of all dramas this is the most bizarre I could imagine." This is in the context of you knowing 1) that I'm feeling vulnerable today. 2) That you moved the item.

To clarify: You moved an item and I phoned asking where it was. What is "crazy" about my behaviour there?

Let's look at your behaviour: You denied knowing of an item you moved just a few hours earlier. You also mentioned that "the whole office could hear" when there was no one else in the office.

Which of the two people sound "crazy" here? The one searching for an item that was moved, or the one gaslighting at every turn?

Crazy-making:

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201403/are-you-in-crazy-making-relationship

Crazy-making is one of the cruelest things you can do to a person and it is one of the most insidious forms of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is the hardest form of abuse to prove, but today we have the proof at long last. I expect you will minimize, deny, shift blame - it's a textbook response to being called-out. I'm not taking any immediate action so no need to say "If I'm so abusive, fuck off/call police/etc". Another common response to being exposed would be to leave or tell me to leave - an attempt to scare me, control the situation and avoid facing your own behaviour.

You have temporarily let your game weaken and have exposed yourself. Your ex is not an over-reacting psycho. And the fear I feel almost every day is not simply "in my head" or me "being a psycho" as you like to frequently retort.

OP posts:
RedSaidBread · 05/07/2018 14:33

I'm a little confused. Is this your ex or your current partner? Do you live together?

ReallyWTF · 05/07/2018 14:40

We live together. He's my current partner. EA stands for "emotional abuse".

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 05/07/2018 14:40

Why are you in a relationship with this person? Why are you handing them ammunition? Confused

BarbarianMum · 05/07/2018 14:40

Sorry X post. But the questions stand.

beenandgoneandbackagain · 05/07/2018 14:41

Do you know his ex? I wouldn't normally recommend it, but perhaps reaching out to her will make you feel less alone, less crazy, and a whole lot stronger in your fight to get away from this arsehole.

MistressDeeCee · 05/07/2018 14:42

I get itz OP. It's what these type of men do.

I can see he told you his ex was 'crazy' and I suppose you believed him. If you leave, you will be the crazy etc too.

It's good you emailed him but I doubt he "finally" gave himself away. More likely he's been at the gaslighting game for ages in various ways and you've finally snapped

I don't know your age. But I hope you realise sooner than later - before it's too late - that sticking around and getting into back & for the with people such as this is a catastrophic waste of your years on this earth.

Storing up misery for yourself because you won't leave unpleasant people is pointless. It's a road to bitter tears when you've grown older.

Loads of resources and advice online, you can go to your GP, support groups etc, to help you move on. Women have survived emotionally abusive, narcissistic behaviour. There's a life out there

springydaff · 05/07/2018 14:43

Wtf WTF???

Why are you with him? SadSadSad

RandomMess · 05/07/2018 14:43

You need to end this ASAP Thanks

thefirstmrsdewinter · 05/07/2018 14:44

Not sure what there is to gain by winning this argument. I understand why winning/being right could become the focus in a relationship where you're always being told you're wrong but nc is far healthier. Just going by what you've written I can't see how maintaining this relationship will have any positive outcome. Can't you get shot of him?

thefirstmrsdewinter · 05/07/2018 14:47

PS. No one has to know this is abuse but you. If it isn't working out you don't need to prove anything, have any evidence or get anyone else's agreement, just end it.
Otherwise how many more years will this be an energy suck?

RedSaidBread · 05/07/2018 14:55

I'm glad you are able to see his behaviour for what it is. I've written similar emails myself to abusive people, some of it was to get it sorted in my head once and for all I wasn't going crazy. But some of it was still this sort of hope that by pointing out the behaviour, naming it, even yep linking to explanations for it and how this sort of crazy-making works, that the other person would also have a lightbulb moment. Then perhaps they would - seek help, stop, admit to it, say sorry....change basically. Stop hurting me.

I learned the painful lesson that it doesn't help. The only thing that does is to leave and have no contact with people who do this sort of thing. Took me a long time to get to that stage though. I hope you get there soon. Life without this kind of constant psychological torture in it is significantly more pleasant.

Flowers
BarbarianMum · 05/07/2018 14:56

I agree with mrsdewinter you don't need other people to know what he is to end it. You can just choose to end it and you don't need to give him or anyone else a reason.

Hissy · 05/07/2018 15:01

the thing you need to do is to get him out of your life asap, don't try to reason with him or analyse him or prove to him he is what you know he is.

Just get rid

ReallyWTF · 05/07/2018 15:03

I feel numb right now. Which is a new emotion for me. Not scared, not shocked, just numb.

We have a baby together and I'm scared how I would cope alone with said baby if I leave him (worried about isolation and carrying on with career). I am however in counselling and working on getting the confidence to leave. The counsellor knows of my situation.

Do you know his ex? I wouldn't normally recommend it, but perhaps reaching out to her will make you feel less alone, less crazy, and a whole lot stronger in your fight to get away from this arsehole.

I know her yes. We're not best friends but I could contact her. I plan to do so after I leave. We need to protect our children from him, as I believe he is EA to them also :(

If you leave, you will be the crazy etc too.

Indeed, but two crazy exes starts looking suspicious.

No one has to know this is abuse but you. If it isn't working out you don't need to prove anything, have any evidence or get anyone else's agreement, just end it.

I feel I need to protect future women, like his ex tried to protect me. She warned me about him, she filed police complaints against him. He said she was a crazy psycho. I have to admit, she looked crazy back then :( Now I know better.

When I leave I will report him (the police urged me to do so a year ago but I didn't feel able to whilst living with him).

OP posts:
Arum51 · 05/07/2018 15:05

Sorry OP, but he will love this Sad

It now gives him ammunition, and an opportunity to wind you up further. Stop. Just stop. It's Grey Rock time.

Direct your energy into getting the hell out of this terrible situation with as little further damage as possible. Flowers

BarbarianMum · 05/07/2018 15:07

Love, right now you can't even protect yourself, or your baby. if it's evidence of his disfunction you crave, don't worry. You'll get lots of that after you've left. Sad

Melliegrantfirstlady · 05/07/2018 15:08

This is terrible. If I was you I’d sort out alternative accommodation and make a claim for benefits ASAP

You will never ever change this man. He is dysfunctional and will remain so.

Sweetpea55 · 05/07/2018 15:09

If you already know what he's like and that you live with him,,how has he exposed himself?
Get the hell out of there woman,,

Emmasmum2013 · 05/07/2018 15:09

What he's doing is illegal. Report it to the police.

Stop focusing on proving him wrong, and trying to get the upper hand by analysing what he's said and how ridiculous it is. It won't get you anywhere. He's never going to back down and it won't make him stop.

Iamtryingtobenicehere · 05/07/2018 15:10

Why?

Why did you choose to have a baby with this ‘man’ why tie yourself to a twat for all of eternity (well at least until your child is no longer a child, but he will always be your baby Daddy?

Why? Yes, he is a moron and I feel your pain, but at least the fucking moron I ended up bound to for 16 years was my husband, why stay with him if he’s not even worth marrying?

MarthasGinYard · 05/07/2018 15:12

'I feel I need to protect future women, '

You need to get out to protect yourself and your dc

You are playing into his hands

Don't engage

MarthasGinYard · 05/07/2018 15:14

Also don't understand the 'exposed' bit?

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 05/07/2018 15:18

OP I know you know this already but just to reaffirm it-

You do not need a reason to end a relationship. You can go, simply because you want to.

You do not need proof to end a relationship. You can go without any proof, even if you have tonnes, you don’t have to present it and you don’t have to listen to any attempts to explain it.

You don’t need permission or agreement to end a relationship. You don’t owe anyone your presence, or your company. You are where you are because you say so. And you leave because you say so. He doesn’t have to agree or like it.

He may call you the crazy ex when you leave. That’s irrelevant. You don’t need his approval to be single. What he thinks of you is his problem. Don’t make it yours.

Good luck OP. Wishing you strength.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/07/2018 15:19

I'm so confused by you making plans for the future without having any intention of leaving and many excuses to stay Sad

ReallyWTF · 05/07/2018 15:24

It now gives him ammunition, and an opportunity to wind you up further.

Sorry but how?

OP posts: