When your abuser finally slips up and exposes himself

[ReallyWTF]

I've posted about my plight with an EA man under various usernames in the past. Today, via phone and email exchange, he finally exposed himself as the cruel tyrant he has been for years.

Yet, here I am, posting on a public forum for reassurance and confirmation - such is the extent of the gaslighting I have endured for so long makes me still doubt myself.

Here's an email that I have just sent to EA DP:

A record of what has just happened:

Yesterday you removed my bra from the study and put it in the wash. You did this without informing me. The bra does not look like a regular bra on account of having 2 massive holes in the front to enable pumping.

Me: Earlier today I told you I was feeling particularly vulnerable and told you so (anxiety issues). After searching for said bra, I phoned you asking where it was.
You: You tell me that the whole office can hear me.
Me: I hang up and email instead so not to jepodise your privacy at work.
You: tell me you're alone in the office anyway (bizarre). You also tell me "Ultimately it's your fault for misplacing stuff" (recall, YOU moved the bra; I didn't misplace anything - bizarre).

Notice the language you then used in your emails: "gosh, it's so crazy. I need to remotely locate your bra while sitting in the office? What's in your head? Of all dramas this is the most bizarre I could imagine." This is in the context of you knowing 1) that I'm feeling vulnerable today. 2) That you moved the item.

To clarify: You moved an item and I phoned asking where it was. What is "crazy" about my behaviour there?

Let's look at your behaviour: You denied knowing of an item you moved just a few hours earlier. You also mentioned that "the whole office could hear" when there was no one else in the office.

Which of the two people sound "crazy" here? The one searching for an item that was moved, or the one gaslighting at every turn?

Crazy-making:

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201403/are-you-in-crazy-making-relationship

Crazy-making is one of the cruelest things you can do to a person and it is one of the most insidious forms of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is the hardest form of abuse to prove, but today we have the proof at long last. I expect you will minimize, deny, shift blame - it's a textbook response to being called-out. I'm not taking any immediate action so no need to say "If I'm so abusive, fuck off/call police/etc". Another common response to being exposed would be to leave or tell me to leave - an attempt to scare me, control the situation and avoid facing your own behaviour.

You have temporarily let your game weaken and have exposed yourself. Your ex is not an over-reacting psycho. And the fear I feel almost every day is not simply "in my head" or me "being a psycho" as you like to frequently retort.

He's just got home and is trying to talk to me. He can tell I'm angry and he's turned on the "soft" gentle rare version of himself. It's so predictable and I'm done with it. I've moved to a different room.

If you already know what he's like and that you live with him,,how has he exposed himself?

Because he denies it.

Now I have cast iron proof and could use it with authorities?

I'm confused - did he move the bra? Or had you misplaced it?

I must admit, if I was at work, and my DH rang me to ask where his pants were, I would find it really bizarre that he couldn't sort that for himself, and wouldn't be impressed. And if they were dirty (and even quite possibly if they weren't), then I'd expect the wash to be one of the places he would work out that he needed to check, without reference to me.

That said, I know none of the background here, and it's clear that you feel highly stressed, and this is just a snapshot of your life, so we really can't judge anything from it. If you feel that you are being abused and gaslighted, you absolutely must get out, for your sanity, and for your child.

Don't stay in a situation that makes you unhappy.

Just a reminder that when you live on your own, no-one moves your bras

Sorry but how?

Let me play devil's advocate

Ahem...

"WTF are you even doing leaving your bra in the study? And you didn't even think to look in the wash?? I'm sick of having to tidy up your mess. You should have thought to look for it there. Why do you need to ring me at work to even ask?"

"And the phone was on loudspeaker when there was someone in the office, so yes other people could hear you ranting about your underwear. just because I was alone when you emailed doesn't mean I wan't before"

This is the response from him I'm expecting. Making you doubt yourself. You've just given him a perfect scenario, where you've actually shown a bit of confidence... that he can now diminish.

I'm confused - did he move the bra? Or had you misplaced it?

Yes he moved it. I found it in the washing basket (I would never put it there as I never wash it). He did the same recently with tea bags.

I could not have double-pumped breastmilk for our baby without it and I had to pump before a certain time due to an appointment.

You've just given him a perfect scenario, where you've actually shown a bit of confidence... that he can now diminish.

Yes, possibly.

I have hope in my counsellor. She has much experience of helping EA victims. I see her again on Monday.

Thank you everyone for talking to me about this. It helps.

What appointment was that? was it something for your benefit? for work or something?

*Because he denies it.

Now I have cast iron proof and could use it with authorities?*

Honestly?

I mean this kindly, as you are obviously extremely vulnerable and distressed, but to me your OP reads that:

Your bra was misplaced.
You think that your DH moved it (but there's no proof or evidence that he did)
You rang your DH up at work, and expect him to know where it is
He feels that you, the owner of the bra, and the person who is in the same place as the missing item should be able to locate it yourself, and he should not have to do that remotely from the office.
He doesn't want to talk on the phone in the office about underwear.
He thinks you are making an unnecessarily big drama about this.

His language is disrespectful, and not as kind as I would expect a supportive husband to use towards a struggling anxious wife, but I'm not sure that there is evidence of anything?

And I really think you should have been able to look for and find your bra yourself, without involving your husband, who was at work.

But please, please be kind to yourself. What comes across in your posts is that you are clearly struggling and at the end of your tether, and that your husband isn't giving you the support that you need.

Get out

Post on here when you escape the scum

Just get out

It will get worse
Trust me
Been there

'I must admit, if I was at work, and my DH rang me to ask where his pants were, I would find it really bizarre that he couldn't sort that for himself, and wouldn't be impressed. '

TBH I agree

But not knowing the background there is obviously heaps more to it.

What did he do with the 'tea bags'?

See, I'm worried now, as all I can see is exactly what you say your husband would use as a defence. I guess it's all about context.

Did he deliberately move it to inconvenience you? Does he have a history of doing similar stuff?

OP I hope you get the support you need, and the strength to leave if that is what you think is the best thing to do.

Emma
I don’t understand why you would say what he’s done with the bra and calling op crazy is illegal. Am I missing something?

Really
Of course I’m not in your situation. However, I’m struggling to understand how your partner has revealed himself. My dh could do the exact same thing. Ie put a piece of paper in a file or an item of clothing in the linen basket and forget he’d done it. If I then said I’d finally caught him, he could easily say I was crazy. For me, my dh would have been working on autopilot and forgotten he’d done something.

What do you need to be in place in order to leave OP?

I bet if it had been a pair of dirty socks or a used tea-cup he'd have left them there for ever! But because it's something you use regularly in a particular place, obviously it must be moved out of that place because... because obviously.

I’m confused by what your cast iron proof is that you could use with ‘authorities’?!

The appointment was a driving lesson.

And I really think you should have been able to look for and find your bra yourself, without involving your husband, who was at work.

I also work full time (from home). HE moved a personal belonging that was essential for our baby. He tells me to phone him any time. So I phoned.

He has history of moving my belongings and denying it.

What did he do with the 'tea bags'?

He moved them and when I asked him "Have you thrown out my tea bags" (he has said in the past he wants to throw them out because they take up space) he said no. And didn't care to mentioned that he'd moved them.

What do you need to be in place in order to leave OP?

Some kind of childcare that I cannot afford at the moment :(

As I said previously, the police have urged me to report him as he EA his ex. He will also EA the next woman, I am certain of that.

Please stop questioning if he is EA (can you not see the irony of doing so?) He IS EA.

Op im sure you could have pumped braless Op.

Childcare, why can’t yiu afford childcare if you’re working FT? You would be entitled to some help from working tax credits.

HE moved a personal belonging that was essential for our baby.

I can see you’re upset about this one. Just trying to be logical. Why are you unable to express unless wearing a specific bra? I just used to unclip my feeding bra.

'What did he do with the 'tea bags'?

He moved them and when I asked him "Have you thrown out my tea bags" (he has said in the past he wants to throw them out because they take up space) he said no. And didn't care to mentioned that he'd moved them.'

So he moved them but forgot to tell you or did he throw them away?

@Mummyoflittledragon in a previous update OP said it was a bra to allow double pumping - meaning her hands could be free as the bra would hold the pump in place. I've double pumped without one and it's a ball ache.
OP, I agree with other posters, you don't need evidence or proof in order to leave and end the relationship. Have a look at the grey rock technique (or speak to your counsellor about it) and get yourself out as fast and as safely as you can.

*As I said previously, the police have urged me to report him as he EA his ex. He will also EA the next woman, I am certain of that.

Please stop questioning if he is EA (can you not see the irony of doing so?) He IS EA.*

Ok. I don't know the context, and so can only take your word for it.

However, without the context, the situation that you posted makes you sound like you are overreacting, and yes (sorry, and I do see the irony) a little bit crazy, and your husband is being perfectly rational (if a bit disrespectful). It doesn't prove what you think it proves, in fact, it paints the opposite picture.

That said, I absolutely accept that there's often more going on in the background than it appears, and if you feel he is EA then I completely believe you that he is. However this exchange is not proof of anything at all, I'm afraid.

Any emotional abuser would just see this as ammunition and have a field day with it though, OP. He isn't going to hold his hands up and say 'ok you've got me'.
Don't waste any more time or energy on him.

I would very strongly advise firstly removing yourself emotionally and mentally from these destructive interactions. Every time something nasty comes up from him, redirect your energy into moving towards your goal of being independent of him. I would take advice on financing, speak to local services/charities for abused women to see if they can give you any information about moving out. It doesn't matter that he is not physical, there must be some support to help women be free from this situation. You don't have to prove anything to anyone and I suggest you don't spend time justifying your feelings. I would say you need friends to support you in moving towards independence, you need practical help and not emotional support type help at this stage.