Message from his friend

[klm2018]

So this morning I woke up to a strange message from a friend of DP who I have only met once years ago saying ' I have a problem with xxxx and was hoping I could have a quick chat with you'

My gut is telling me to tell DP and forget about it but my worry is that he will play it down or not tell me what it's about. I don't believe we should have secrets. However if he will only play it down I am tempted to reply to his friend to try to find out more.

What would you do??

Find out

Reply to it?

My concern will be when it comes to telling DP about it, as he will rightly think I should have got the message and come to him first

I would find out in case my husband was in trouble of some sort and needed my help.

Is xxxx a person or an issue?
Sorry if I'm being thick.

Why would your husband downplay it? Do you suspect he's cheating?

I'd call and have the quick chat I think. Self preservation.

I'm with you both on this

I just don't know how I will explain not coming to him first and saying 'this one has messaged me this about you'

I guess it depends on your relationship but I think I would speak to DH first. Say something along the lines of "do you still keep in touch with xxxx?" And then tell about the message. It feels like a situation no good will come of as it's a bit of a weird thing to do out of blue. It's difficult because I would really want to know but at the same time, it would feel really dishonest to go behind DHs back when I have no other reason to suspect any problems. Also, the timing of the message is a bit suss - late at night - was the sender drunk I wonder? Clearly this person thinks there's an issue but I would try and pursue it with husband first.

Sorry xxxx is a person (my DP)

He is very traditional and doesn't like to worry me with anything so if something bad has happened then that's what I think he will downplay.

Doubt it's cheating, this friend has only met me once in several years, no idea how he even has my number, but would have no loyalty to me to be telling me about it if it was if that makes sense

I would msg back and find out what the issue is. Just say 'Sure, what's up? Is it anything I can help with?'

How long have you been with DP? Do you live together?

I know they still talk as they were on the phone the other day

The timing was unusual (ie drunk) as was in the morning.

I just know my DP and his expectation would be for me to go to him first. I'm just concerned that won't give me the full story. Stuck between a rock and a hard place I guess

Thanks for all the responses everyone!

Yes live together, 2 years

From the wording it doesn't sound like he's cheating.

Maybe your dp owes him money or something.
Very tricky situation. I think my curiosity would get the better of me though and I would ring him. I would make it very clear that you are on your dps side, in case it's lies or some kind of set up.

I’d reply and say something like ‘happy to chat but you should know I’m not comfortable keeping secrets from DP so I reserve the right to speak to him about whatever it is afterwards. If that’s a problem then I think you should find someone else to speak to’

It isn’t necessarily something bad though, the ‘problem’ could be that he’s planning a surprise for him or something like that!

Namechange fail here op

Just in case you hadn't realised

Find out what it is then go to your bloke.

If it's money or friendship tell the friend he needs to talk to to him.

I don't think it's cheating either
He would have no reason to tell me about it, his loyalty definitely wouldn't lie with me there

Like the idea of messaging but saying he should know I'll be discussing with DP

I suppose just concerned of any backlash from DP that I didn't just go straight to him with it. He would see that as sneaky and I can't blame him as I would think the same if the situation was reversed

I would message back and find out what’s going on

I think I'm going to reply
The dishonesty of it just isn't sitting right with me though. Just need to make a decision quickly as the longer in the day I leave it the more shady it will look

I would speak to the friend before speaking to my partner, in this instance.

Hollowtalk and bluedog and anyone else that has said speak to the friend first, what is your reasoning for this

I feel like I know what I'm going to do I just need to justify it further

I think I might have called him back straight away and then told DH. But only if the friend isn't known for being a drama queen.

I don’t think there’s any harm in responding to the message and finding out what’s what and then talking to your DH about how you got a message today from friend about x. That’s not being dishonest, it’s just replying to a message.

I would call back. Presume that the friend has your DPs best interests at heart.

I would call him because either he is worried about your DP or he is trying to cause problems for him. I'd want to know which it was. I'd find out what he had to say but be careful not to say anything that implied you were colluding with him behind DP's back. And as soon as I finished the call, I'd speak to DP about it.

My thoughts process is that you said he keeps things close to his chest and doesn’t want to worry you about things. What if it’s something important or worrying about your dh that he’s not telling you (I don’t mean anything untoward). I’d also most definitely tell your dh about the conversation and show him the messages. I’d be worried more than anything.

id have to find out. I wouldnt tell dp till after, if at all